A question for those in relationships, or that have been in relationships.

[+ carlos45]

In my 30+ years, as an out, gay man, I have heard that men have great sex lives, well past middle age, though on more than a few occasions, I understand that sex wanes after a number of years in a long term relationship, can anyone offer insight as to why that is??

[escortrod]

Both partners change, physically and mentally. Unless both of their tastes happen to constantly coincide with who their other half becomes, there's a good chance the sex will wane.

[jjkrkwood]

You get comfortable with each other, know WHAT to expect, and realize the person is around ALL the time, so there really is no big Urgency to have sex with them. And you get so caught up in the other aspect of your lives together, that the sex part becomes less important

[youngboldone]

My husband's and my sexual paths have definitely diverged as time as gone on. We never did have what I'd call a robust sex life. I foolishly thought when we got married that our sex life would improve and get better with time and eventually peak. It never did. We have now been in a sexless marriage for the last 11 of our 18 years together. Other than the sexual component, the rest of our marriage is great, so it's not like I want a divorce. But he's almost 60 and done with sex. I'm only 44 and just now coming into my prime, if my raging libido is any indication. So I finally had a frank convo with him and told him I wasn't ready to be celibate for the rest of my life. We now have an open marriage, and I have his permission to get my sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere.

[escortrod]

So I finally had a frank convo with him and told him I wasn't ready to be celibate for the rest of my life. We now have an open marriage, and I have his permission to get my sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere.

So much better than the 'traditional'/heteronormative approach of suppressing your urges until they spill out in an affair, or 'cheating', thus destroying an otherwise excellent relationship. Bravo.

[youngboldone]

Thanks, escortrod. Believe me, it wasn't easy to have that conversation. But after 11 years of no sex, only masturbating, and going the heteronormative/suppression route, I knew something had to change. I've always had a fairly healthy libido, but the intensity of what I'm feeling now in my early 40s has really taken me by surprise. I realize we don't live forever, and I want to experience lots of sex before I die.

[jjkrkwood]

My husband's and my sexual paths have definitely diverged as time as gone on. We never did have what I'd call a robust sex life. I foolishly thought when we got married that our sex life would improve and get better with time and eventually peak. It never did. We have now been in a sexless marriage for the last 11 of our 18 years together. Other than the sexual component, the rest of our marriage is great, so it's not like I want a divorce. But he's almost 60 and done with sex. I'm only 44 and just now coming into my prime, if my raging libido is any indication. So I finally had a frank convo with him and told him I wasn't ready to be celibate for the rest of my life. We now have an open marriage, and I have his permission to get my sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere.

 

That was certainly the rational and Mature solution. If you are both secure in your love and comittment to each other, it should work Great....Applause !

[liubit]

I have been in a relationship for 15 years now. Although I am older than my partner, my sex drive is way stronger than his and, while my libido has grown, he has become less and less interested in sex. Nevertheless, he understands my needs and, with certain rules, he allows me to fool around with escorts who fulfill my urges. Our relationship has certainly evolved over the years and we are still very much in love, to the point that when we have sex, it is still absolutely mind-blowing, with fireworks and everything.

[Rudynate]

I've been with my partner for over 25 years and we've been married for three years. When we met, we were both in our early forties, so neither of us started the relationship with an adolescent libido.

 

12 or 15 years into our relationship, sex had become routine and less and less frequent. We were lounging in bed one Sunday afternoon and he told me he wanted me to fist him. I thought "Wow!!" and said Ok. That really woke our sex lives up. We have sex once or twice a week, and it has remained fresh and interesting.

 

I also hire and have a small circle of FBs that gives me additional variety. Recently, I hire more and see the FBS less. Hiring is so much easier to fit into my life.

[+ Lance_Navarro]

From my perspective, what usually causes sex problems in relationships isn't that people grow apart, but that they become emotionally fused. They depend too heavily on one another's validation, which becomes tiring and old and causes each to have less respect and therefore interest in the other. It's essential a struggle between being connected to another and having autonomy.

 

This is a natural occurrence in relationships, but in order to get the relationship and sex back to a healthy place, each person has to become more "differentiated", in other words learning to stand on their own two feet, be able to self-validate and have a stronger sense of self, rather than just being 1/2 of a relationship.

 

Kind of like what @Rudynate said, his partner opened up, express his interest in getting fisted (differentiation) and that sparked a positive shift.

 

Most people avoid saying or sharing things with their partner that are uncomfortable, but conflict is natural and when handled respectfully, is the key to growth and increased intimacy.

[+ carlos45]

From my perspective, what usually causes sex problems in relationships isn't that people grow apart, but that they become emotionally fused. They depend too heavily on one another's validation, which becomes tiring and old and causes each to have less respect and therefore interest in the other. It's essential a struggle between being connected to another and having autonomy.

 

This is a natural occurrence in relationships, but in order to get the relationship and sex back to a healthy place, each person has to become more "differentiated", in other words learning to stand on their own two feet, be able to self-validate and have a stronger sense of self, rather than just being 1/2 of a relationship.

 

Kind of like what @Rudynate said, his partner opened up, express his interest in getting fisted (differentiation) and that sparked a positive shift.

 

Most people avoid saying or sharing things with their partner that are uncomfortable, but conflict is natural and when handled respectfully, is the key to growth and increased intimacy.

Thank you! I'd never though of it that way.

[jjkrkwood]

From my perspective, what usually causes sex problems in relationships isn't that people grow apart, but that they become emotionally fused. They depend too heavily on one another's validation, which becomes tiring and old and causes each to have less respect and therefore interest in the other. It's essential a struggle between being connected to another and having autonomy.

 

This is a natural occurrence in relationships, but in order to get the relationship and sex back to a healthy place, each person has to become more "differentiated", in other words learning to stand on their own two feet, be able to self-validate and have a stronger sense of self, rather than just being 1/2 of a relationship.

 

Kind of like what @Rudynate said, his partner opened up, express his interest in getting fisted (differentiation) and that sparked a positive shift.

 

Most people avoid saying or sharing things with their partner that are uncomfortable, but conflict is natural and when handled respectfully, is the key to growth and increased intimacy.

 

 

A relationship is only one part of you. You have to put yourself FIRST and make yourself happy, before you can make someone else happy. And talk, talk, talk... You may think you know everything about the other person and their feelings, even if you've been together a very long time, but ill wager that you really Dont ?

[N13]

Almost 50 years in. We still love each other and can't imagine being without the other one. Sex between us left many, many years ago. Over the course of our relationship there have been bumps in the road - usually sex driven...but we have survived them because of our love, respect and liking for and of each other.

Our arrangement for the last number of years is that when we are apart it is ok to hire....when we are together we do not let anything interfere with our time together.

 

I think each couple has to decide what works for them. But it does take work! Too often beak ups happen that did not have to if the couple was honest with each other. Breaking up is not always the answer.

[+ Gar1eth]

So much better than the 'traditional'/heteronormative approach of suppressing your urges until they spill out in an affair, or 'cheating', thus destroying an otherwise excellent relationship. Bravo.

 

I’m not so sure about that. I mean obviously open relationships work for some. But sex is also one of the things that binds people together. Without it-or it if you ‘bind’ with someone else-it could be a death knell for the relationship.

 

Gman

[escortrod]

I’m not so sure about that. I mean obviously open relationships work for some. But sex is also one of the things that binds people together. Without it-or it if you ‘bind’ with someone else-it could be a death knell for the relationship.

 

Gman

That's not my experience. I daresay the 'binding' requires belief that sex has that effect, and since I don't, it doesn't. Happily I know many people in successful long-term open relationships. Sadly I know many whose long term relationships disintegrated because monogamy was a hard requirement that one or both parties was/were not able to sustain.

[OCClient]

In my 30+ years, as an out, gay man, I have heard that men have great sex lives, well past middle age, though on more than a few occasions, I understand that sex wanes after a number of years in a long term relationship, can anyone offer insight as to why that is??

I forgot where I heard the old saying, and it was directed towards traditional style couples (is it still Pc to say that?), that if you put a penny in a jar each time you have sex during the first year of marriage, and then start taking the pennies out each time you have sex after the first year ends, you will never empty the jar.

 

On the other hand Dr Oz mentioned that men can continue into their 80s. The trick is to keep at it because once you stop boinking your partner, you'll likely never start again. He also talked about health and diet choices and the effect on erection function and so on.

 

Finally, if the excitement is lacking, isn't that something a couple can figure out together? The others in this thread that talk about binding a couple together with sex have a strong point.

 

I am saddened how often people return their dog to the shelter when the canine companion reaches senior years, and really wonder if that is what people do with each other when they decide they have lost interest.

 

[BSR]

So much better than the 'traditional'/heteronormative approach of suppressing your urges until they spill out in an affair, or 'cheating', thus destroying an otherwise excellent relationship. Bravo.

I can understand the "heteronormative approach" because of the risk,of pregnancy. If a man has sex with someone else and that woman gets pregnant, the ramifications are awfully weighty. If the other woman decides to have the baby, then the man and by inevitable consequence his wife will pay a heavy emotional and financial price. If a woman has sex with another man & gets pregnant, the fallout is similarly life-changing.

 

To those gay men who have an open marriage, if it works for all involved, more power to ya!

[+ nycman]

I foolishly thought when we got married that our sex life would improve...

Oh god....I can’t stop laughing.

 

You seriously thought this??!?!?....lmao!

[youngboldone]

Yes, I did, nycman. But I'm glad you're getting so much pleasure at my misery. You are a cruel human being.

[+ carlos45]

I appreciate all of your responses.

[LADoug1]

I’m not so sure about that. I mean obviously open relationships work for some. But sex is also one of the things that binds people together. Without it-or it if you ‘bind’ with someone else-it could be a death knell for the relationship.

 

Gman

I see a guy who’s in an open relationship. It’s had its consequences. I’m in love with him. I should stop seeing him except the sex is mind blowing. Plus he won’t see me more than every three or four weeks because he doesn’t want to develop romantic feelings for me. So I guess the arrangement works well for him and not so well for me.

[Rudynate]

I see a guy who’s in an open relationship. It’s had its consequences. I’m in love with him. I should stop seeing him except the sex is mind blowing. Plus he won’t see me more than every three or four weeks because he doesn’t want to develop romantic feelings for me. So I guess the arrangement works well for him and not so well for me.

 

 

You get to yearn for something you can't have. That's not so bad.

[OCClient]

Episode Five of

Falling for Angels:

Silver Lake

talks about the exact same issues you guys are discussing. I won't paste the link here, since it belongs in Comedy Drama. Should I paste it over there? Probably. It's a good epi.

[+ Gar1eth]

I see a guy who’s in an open relationship. It’s had its consequences. I’m in love with him. I should stop seeing him except the sex is mind blowing. Plus he won’t see me more than every three or four weeks because he doesn’t want to develop romantic feelings for me. So I guess the arrangement works well for him and not so well for me.

 

You get to yearn for something you can't have. That's not so bad.

 

Well if you’re an artist, maybe that can lead to inspiration. For a great many of us, however, it just leads to depression.

 

Gman