Seeking genuine clarity

[cautious]

I'm getting ghosted in the Patrick Swayze sense. He disappears, reappears, we make pottery together, then he disappears again. The latest was a series of texts - the last was a question to him about the holidays (a harmless chat) that hasn't been answered in over 2 weeks.

 

I genuinely like this guy, opened up to him and made myself completely vulnerable. And I'm kicking myself for being so damn stupid. At my age, you'd think I'd know better.

 

Ok. This one makes me feel so much better that is not me. Not just me. When he reappears, does he ever offer any kind of explanation; do you request one?

[cautious]

I guess I'm really unclear as to exactly what it is. Definitely business, at times extremely friendly, at times crickets. I guess I'd like to get a better handle on what it is so that I can adjust either aspect accordingly.

 

At least knowing what to expect and the reasons may help set expectations. It would at least for me.

[Rudynate]

I guess I'm really unclear as to exactly what it is. Definitely business, at times extremely friendly, at times crickets. I guess I'd like to get a better handle on what it is so that I can adjust either aspect accordingly.

 

Well, it seems like it is, for him, a non-committal relationship wherein you see him when you see him. If you're looking to "adjust" aspects of the relationship, then I guess you're not willing to accept it for what it is. So, just telling yourself, "It is what it is," is not going to be helpful. I'm reminded of what Carrie Fisher said in an interview about her father. At the end of his life he was very dependent on her, she had become the parent and he the child. The interviewer asked her if that had been satisifying for her. She replied something like, "That was the relationship that was available, and I took it gladly."

[Deadlift1]

Go have dinner with General Tso he always makes me feel better.

[Reluctant Daddy]

Ok. This one makes me feel so much better that is not me. Not just me. When he reappears, does he ever offer any kind of explanation; do you request one?

 

There is an explanation. Initially, it was relevant but it’s really not applicable now.

 

Well, it seems like it is, for him, a non-committal relationship wherein you see him when you see him. If you're looking to "adjust" aspects of the relationship, then I guess you're not willing to accept it for what it is. So, just telling yourself, "It is what it is," is not going to be helpful

 

I see him when I see him, and I’m good with that. Because of location and financial considerations, that’s just the way it is. It’s the in between times, simple, personable civil conversation that’s feast or famine. This last exchange had me wondering, who just walks away in the middle of a conversation? Is the exchange of pleasantries that much of a commitment?

[rvwnsd]

I’ll start by saying I know this board in general can be very helpful but also pretty harsh at times, so go easy on me, please ...

 

What the hell do you mean by calling us "harsh?" When the hell is this board harsh? Huh? When? Give us an example!!

 

Just kidding.

 

...After a few really bad experiences hiring over the years I recently hired a well reviewed escort and for the last 2+ months have had great experiences. I hired for education/fulfilling needs that aren’t met by my partner but we also ended up having a few get togethers that were more about talking and sharing points of view. It has always seemed mutually enjoyable and I think I’ve been fairly generous in terms of tipping/gifting and always booking multi hour appointments....

 

While I am not criticizing you for tipping/gifting and booking multi-hour appointments, you deserve to be treated nicely whether you book one-hour sessions and always pay the stated rate and not a penny more or you do as you have done. On the other hand, no need to feel bad about doing so.

 

...We spoke about potential future travel (he considered it and said he was excited) and recently, the hire offered to be my (paid) personal trainer as well and seemed quite excited about broadening his skill set. I know, from another thread on here that some see this as dangerous but we both seemed realistic about this being a different dynamic than our escorting time...

 

I'm on the fence about hiring an escort to be a trainer as well as being a playmate. I also don't believe doing so caused the next set of behaviors to occur.

 

...After any session there were often kind messages of thanks sent to me and the occasional ask/well wishes sent my way. I enjoyed that but also realize it could just be great “customer relationship management”, though it seemed genuine.

...

 

I also do not believe great "customer relationship management" and "being genuine when one does so" are mutually exclusive.

 

...To wrap this up, after two last enjoyable meetings last week (one training, one physical) and him reaching out to schedule more, I’ve found myself being cancelled on a few days in a row and then ghosted ....

 

Well, that certainly sucks. While there is a decent probability that this behavior is a result of too many sessions within too short of a time, there is an equally decent probability that something else is going on. That "something else" might well be completely unrelated to you.

 

...I know I already clearly broke the cardinal rule of not getting attached or else I wouldn’t be bothered by this (I get it, I really do!) but I think I was pretty fair and, while open and vulnerable with him (as he was with me), respectful of our dynamic and not crossing lines....

 

Nothing you said indicates you broke any cardinal rules of not becoming attached. It does not sound like to fell in love with him nor does it sound like you were trying to maintain an exclusive relationship with him. To me, it sounds like you are disappointed that someone you enjoy spending time with has abruptly ceased contact. As @nycman said, this shows you are human.

 

...I sent the “thanks for everything and would appreciate knowing what went wrong” message and will not reach out again, but is this common to ghost a client who had rapidly become a regular?...

 

I have not been ghosted by an escort. Guys have explained why they would not be able to see me, but not just ceased contact. I also don't think this is "common," but not having studied a broad sample of escorts it is impossible to say whether it is or is not.

 

... I guess in absence of clarity from him maybe one of you may have insights into the psyche of what could have gone wrong here....

 

Not being or knowing the escort, it is impossible to give insight into his psyche. However, it is entirely possible one of the following has occurred:

• Something is going on his life that makes it difficult or impossible to spend time with you and he doesn't know how/doesn't have the bandwidth to say so.
  
• He is experiencing feelings of some kind that have caused him to decide he can't see you and at the same time he is not able to say this to you.
  
• He is overwhelmed by something and isn't in a place where he can tell you for reasons completely unrelated to you
  

... It’s been harder on me than it should, so don’t worry I’m already beating myself up - I know I shouldn’t have gotten attached.

 

Stop beating yourself up!!

 

Whoops, was being harsh again.

[coriolis888]

So in writing today, I was partly expecting a barrage of “if you can’t play the game properly, get out!” replies, so I can’t thank you enough for the supportive comments and valid questions. What’s helped the most is hearing that it has happened, without obvious reason, to others so it’s not just me sitting here racking my brain about what I could have done.

 

Given what I’ve seen of him, he prob has a lot going on in his real life. And maybe because he’d talk to me about it, our meetings were too taxing vs with others. Not my fault. Not his. Just prob can’t continue. (Though it would be nice to have had that communicated).

 

Thanks everyone.

 

 

My response may not be the reassuring words you want to read.

 

I learned that in this exciting hobby we have (meeting escorts), many of us occasionally let down our guard and get too much emotionally involved when some special escort comes along.

 

Of course, we know it is foolish and unwise to become emotionally attached to a paid companion, but it sometimes happens anyway.

Then, one day, things change and the relationship comes to a halt.

 

When this happens, it does not mean that one party did something wrong to cause the relationship to expire; it just happens.

 

As I have said in similar threads, quite simply, the fire goes out and the close bond that seemed to exist, just vanishes.

 

Others above said, you will get over the empty and puzzled feeling over time; I agree.

[BaronArtz]

@cautious - I have a very basic question for you: IS HIS AD STILL UP?

 

If it isn't - you got your answer right there. Although he could have ended it more graciously with you. Which he didn't.

 

If it is - consider sending him an email message from a different email address. You will find out if if he is still seeing clients. In that case, I am sorry to say, something happened between the two of you.

[+ José Soplanucas]

@cautious - I have a very basic question for you: IS HIS AD STILL UP?

 

If it isn't - you got your answer right there. Although he could have ended it more graciously with you. Which he didn't.

 

If it is - consider sending him an email message from a different email address. You will find out if if he is still seeing clients. In that case, I am sorry to say, something happened between the two of you.

 

Respectfuly, I do not think this is good advice. @cautious needs to move on, instead of stalking the guy.

Edited January 19, 2018 by latbear4blk

[cautious]

Respectfuly, I do not think this is good advice. @cautious needs to move on, instead of stalking the guy.

 

Yes, of course this goes without saying. If I’d need to pretend to be someone else to prompt a response, I’m not interested in the response.

 

My ego has already taken a hit - no need to open it up for another blow.

 

I’m grieving the “loss” and if he ever reaches out, I’ll cross the bridge when it comes, but I don’t intend to reach out again beyond what I did earlier in the week.

[+ José Soplanucas]

Yes, of course this goes without saying. If I’d need to pretend to be someone else to prompt a response, I’m not interested in the response.

 

My ego has already taken a hit - no need to open it up for another blow.

 

I’m grieving the “loss” and if he ever reaches out, I’ll cross the bridge when it comes, but I don’t intend to reach out again beyond what I did earlier in the week.

 

My friend, I have a good feeling about you. I think you definitely have the right attitude. You made a mistake that I may make in the future despite all my experience and the fact that I have made it several times in the past. You will recover and will have a lot of fun. I hope so and I think so.

[LivingnLA]

I have really enjoyed reading so many thoughtful and supportive replies to this thread by @cautious.

 

For me, I would say, you did nothing wrong. I wouldn't even think of it as a "mistake." You were authentically you. Yes, you may have "crossed a line" with an escort, but this experience has offered you an opportunity to learn something about yourself, this "hobby," and how you want to react and move forward.

 

You may never know why he stopped communicating and honestly, it does not matter. It's your reactions, emotions, thoughts, and actions that matter. Take care of yourself. Lick your wounds. Heal. Learn. Grow. You sound like a sensitive thoughtful guy. I'm sure you'll be fine and have plenty of fun interesting future experiences.

[cautious]

I have really enjoyed reading so many thoughtful and supportive replies to this thread by @cautious.

 

 

I agree! Despite the “distress” that caused me to start this thread, hearing others’ experiences has been empowering. Especially hearing that I’m not the only one to have this happen, that sometimes ghosting isn’t forever, and that there’s so much else that could be at play in his world has helped me find some peace.

 

The most important shift over the past couple days has been coming to terms that whether something about our interactions contributed to the disappearance or not, I didn’t actually do anything to cause this to happen. Clearly there is something else going on with him and it could have zero to do with me, or I could have been a trigger - but I’m def didn’t do anything wrong to him.

 

So over time I will get over it. I know I’ll miss him as a person, and our moments together a great deal. It won’t be easy to forget. And I’ll always have it nagging at me, wanting to ensure he’s doing okay and hoping that he doesn’t harbour any ill will. And I hope he knows he made a difference.

 

I don’t think I will hire again after this outcome. But it’s still fresh. We’ll see what time brings.

 

Thanks all.

[coriolis888]

 

snip

I don’t think I will hire again after this outcome. But it’s still fresh. We’ll see what time brings.

 

Thanks all.

 

 

Are you a betting person? I am. I would bet a high sum that you will hire again.

 

You might not find someone of the caliber of person that motivated you to create this thread, but, you will hire again. Count on it.

 

Good luck on your next encounter.

[MikeBiDude]

Are you a betting person? I am. I would bet a high sum that you will hire again.

 

You might not find someone of the caliber of person that motivated you to create this thread, but, you will hire again. Count on it.

 

Good luck on your next encounter.

 

I don’t think I will hire again after this outcome.

Over-Cautious

[rvwnsd]

...I don’t think I will hire again after this outcome. But it’s still fresh. We’ll see what time brings....

Count me in with @coriolis888. I think you will hire again. There are plenty of escorts who can make a connection with their clients and not disappear. Should you hire again, here's a suggestion: find at least two guys you connect with and space out playdates. That way, the play won't get stale and no one feels pressured to hire or be hired. That is NOT to say you pressured the guy who prompted you to start the thread. It simply says you will have a couple of guys so if one isn't available or needs a break you have the other.

[+ José Soplanucas]

I am up for the betting game! The odds are against you, @cautious .

 

http://giant.gfycat.com/MeaslyGiantBlackfly.gif

[+ José Soplanucas]

Actually, do you know what the best way to move on is? Start thinking of who the next one is going to be. Would you mind sharing your location?

[cautious]

Actually, do you know what the best way to move on is? Start thinking of who the next one is going to be. Would you mind sharing your location?

 

I’m in Toronto. But it’s legit slim picking for my taste (athletic, young, clean cut). But definitely not looking ATM.

[+ José Soplanucas]

I’m in Toronto. But it’s legit slim picking for my taste (athletic, young, clean cut). But definitely not looking ATM.

 

It was just playful, although serious advice. I respect your decision, my friend.

[cautious]

It was just playful, although serious advice. I respect your decision, my friend.

I do appreciate it

[+ VictorPowers]

If a bad experience occurs, don't let that get to you. There are plenty of reputable escorts out there that'll show you a good time and remind you why you started looking in the first place.

[Aaron_Bauder]

It's okay to be sad, but speculation is not good, even though we can't help it. You just don't know what's going on with people. I've known of suicides where everyone was blindsided -- there was no indication of depression. Could be family issues, mental health issues, trauma issues that resurfaced, money problems, housing problems, physical problems, a significant other that said "never contact that client again I don't like you getting that close," or maybe he was never into it. We really just don't know what's going on with folks, and there's too many possible scenarios to worry about them all. Grieve the loss of a special relationship but try not to take it personally, and try to move forward. Loss is inevitable.