Seeking genuine clarity

[cautious]

I’ll start by saying I know this board in general can be very helpful but also pretty harsh at times, so go easy on me, please

 

After a few really bad experiences hiring over the years I recently hired a well reviewed escort and for the last 2+ months have had great experiences. I hired for education/fulfilling needs that aren’t met by my partner but we also ended up having a few get togethers that were more about talking and sharing points of view. It has always seemed mutually enjoyable and I think I’ve been fairly generous in terms of tipping/gifting and always booking multi hour appointments.

 

We spoke about potential future travel (he considered it and said he was excited) and recently, the hire offered to be my (paid) personal trainer as well and seemed quite excited about broadening his skill set. I know, from another thread on here that some see this as dangerous but we both seemed realistic about this being a different dynamic than our escorting time.

 

After any session there were often kind messages of thanks sent to me and the occasional ask/well wishes sent my way. I enjoyed that but also realize it could just be great “customer relationship management”, though it seemed genuine.

 

To wrap this up, after two last enjoyable meetings last week (one training, one physical) and him reaching out to schedule more, I’ve found myself being cancelled on a few days in a row and then ghosted .

 

I know I already clearly broke the cardinal rule of not getting attached or else I wouldn’t be bothered by this (I get it, I really do!) but I think I was pretty fair and, while open and vulnerable with him (as he was with me), respectful of our dynamic and not crossing lines.

 

I sent the “thanks for everything and would appreciate knowing what went wrong” message and will not reach out again, but is this common to ghost a client who had rapidly become a regular? I guess in absence of clarity from him maybe one of you may have insights into the psyche of what could have gone wrong here.

 

It’s been harder on me than it should, so don’t worry I’m already beating myself up - I know I shouldn’t have gotten attached.

[+ José Soplanucas]

I am sorry you are going through this. You said it, you broke the cardinal rule and got attached. Now you just have to let time do its work and heal. Move on, and learn your lesson.

I would not say that ghosting a regular client is a common occurrence, but it does happen now and then. We do not know what happened, the possibilities are countless. Do not beat yourself thinking about what you did wrong. The chances are you did not do anything wrong and his decision has to do with his own life.

Make sure you learn your lesson and try to figure it out why you got emotionally involved even when you knew you shouldnt. If you are not in a good place emotionally, you should not hire.

Hugs.

[Rudynate]

If you are not in a good place emotionally, you should not hire.

Hugs.

 

 

The voice of wisdom.

[+ Tarte Gogo]

Totally agree with @latbear4blk , there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with you, don’t beat yourself up, it could be anything on the escort’s side.

 

For example maybe he has found a partner that asked him to stop seeing clients, and he wants to make it work with that partner and so he has agreed to cut off all contact with his previous life.

 

Or anything else that could be good news for him, or maybe he has issues to deal with etc.

If you don’t think you did anything wrong, you need to give him space for a while, or forever, and move on.

Edited January 17, 2018 by Tarte Gogo

[LaffingBear]

Dont beat yourself up.

 

You write that you know what you did was wrong. I dont necessarily agree, but if you feel that way, everything else is irrelevant.

 

Dont dwell on it. Easy to advise, difficult to do. But try. Time for a change of focus. Go walking, see a show, sign up for a class.

 

Distance lends clarity. Time and perspective. You may never achieve clarity in knowing his reasons for what happened, but you'll gain clarity/perspective regarding its effect on you.

[+ freecahill1965]

Yes, it is tough to be ghosted. When I first started hiring. I had nice young escort. God, he was awesome. He complied to all my every wish and he was reasonably priced. I saw him twice a week for about a month. The sex was incredible. One day, he ghosted the appoitment. I never saw him again. I never got an explanation. He was still on RM for a while. I even offered to pay for his time to talk because I thought it was me. I moved on but still curious to this day.

[+ nycman]

God damn you fuckers are a smart (and compassionate) group.

 

Not much to add, other than realize that getting attached is not all bad.

It proves you’re still human, that’s all. Even the most ardent among us

occasionally breaks the rules we’re so passionate about.

 

Yes, we usually get hurt and kick ourselves in the end, but I’d be lying if

I didn’t tell you some of the most glorious days of my life...have been

because I allowed my guard to drop and to be open. Of course, that’s

also true of some of my darkest days....unfortunately you can’t have

one...without the other.

 

Stay strong...and don’t let the saddle get too cold and hard before you

jump back on....adventure awaits!

[FTM Zachary Prince]

How long has it been since you last heard from him?

[+ poolboy48220]

@FTM Zachary Prince 's question came to me too. I got the impression that it's only been a week since you last talked. Possible there's some emergency going on that he needs to deal with?

[+ José Soplanucas]

How long has it been since you last heard from him?

@FTM Zachary Prince 's question came to me too. I got the impression that it's only been a week since you last talked. Possible there's some emergency going on that he needs to deal with?

 

It is a legitimate and reasonable question. However, given the context I think we are discussing here, I do not think it is a healthy or convenient train of thoughts for our friend. He needs to move on and I even think that he should not hire him again in case he reappears.

[cautious]

The voice of wisdom.

 

You’re both very right. Honestly, when I first hired this guy, I was in a fantastic place. Now not so much, so for sure I’m on a hiatus.

[cautious]

@FTM Zachary Prince 's question came to me too. I got the impression that it's only been a week since you last talked. Possible there's some emergency going on that he needs to deal with?

 

Yes I’ve definitely wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. The issue is he flaked on a scheduled meeting 15 mins before and asked to move it to the next day (but didn’t confirm a time), when I reached out that day to confirm the time he then asked to push it one more day. Then radio silence when I tried to confirm a time.

 

All in all 48 hours of silence doesn’t seem like too much and he could have things going on, but when we’re trying to reschedule (at his request) he rarely lets more than an hour or two pass. And now that I’ve sent the “hope everything is okay, if it’s not, I’d appreciate the feedback” without a response, I’m not hopeful that it’s just a misunderstanding. I also notice he’s logged into Rentmen, so it’s doubtful he’s dead.

 

And to someone’s later point, while I’d breathe easier if I do hear back, unless there’s a compelling reason, I think the bond is probably broken.

[cautious]

So in writing today, I was partly expecting a barrage of “if you can’t play the game properly, get out!” replies, so I can’t thank you enough for the supportive comments and valid questions. What’s helped the most is hearing that it has happened, without obvious reason, to others so it’s not just me sitting here racking my brain about what I could have done.

 

Given what I’ve seen of him, he prob has a lot going on in his real life. And maybe because he’d talk to me about it, our meetings were too taxing vs with others. Not my fault. Not his. Just prob can’t continue. (Though it would be nice to have had that communicated).

 

Thanks everyone.

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

It's not that you shouldn't get attached. It's that you need better judgement as to who to get attached to.

 

When you keep lobbing a tennis ball to a partner who doesn't return the serve, that says everything. You're chasing him, but clearly he's not returning the favor. If I were in your shoes, I'd stop communicating entirely and see what he does: That will tell you everything you need to know.

 

I get wanting that special connection. We're human and unless you're a completely damaged person, we're wired to want to find a common ground and mate. As others have already suggested, don't let this keep you from moving forward.

[BluDay]

All in all 48 hours of silence doesn’t seem like too much and he could have things going on, but when we’re trying to reschedule (at his request) he rarely lets more than an hour or two pass. And now that I’ve sent the “hope everything is okay, if it’s not, I’d appreciate the feedback” without a response, I’m not hopeful that it’s just a misunderstanding.

 

He seems to be very interested in time with you, and unless you were giving him signals that you wanted to start dating (which I doubt, you said you hadn't crossed lines), it's entirely possible something has come up, and I'd suggest giving him the benefit of a doubt for a bit. I know I've been swamped with things sometimes and left people I was close to because I had other things I _had_ to do and they would understand when I got to them.

 

48 hours isn't very long in the big scheme of things - much longer than his usual gaps, but I'd suggest leaving your mind open for when he does get back to you.

[jjkrkwood]

You will NEVER be able to get into anyones psyche. Sometimes its difficult to understand your OWN actions. So, its best to TRY and just move on and remember, most hires are NOT looking for your friendship, or a relationship other than one that is business related and financial.... Emotions are tricky, but best to keep them in check. As the kids today say....STAY WOKE !

[+ José Soplanucas]

It's not that you shouldn't get attached. It's that you need better judgement as to who to get attached to.

 

When you keep lobbing a tennis ball to a partner who doesn't return the serve, that says everything. You're chasing him, but clearly he's not returning the favor. If I were in your shoes, I'd stop communicating entirely and see what he does: That will tell you everything you need to know.

 

I get wanting that special connection. We're human and unless you're a completely damaged person, we're wired to want to find a common ground and mate. As others have already suggested, don't let this keep you from moving forward.

 

You are right, it is not possible not to get attached when two human beens share quality time together, regularly. But the big question is not to who you get attached, but how you do it, as there is a how for everyone. If after a 48 hours silence you feel everything is falling down and start questioning what you did wrong, I do not think you are developing the right kind of attachment.

[MikeBiDude]

And maybe because he’d talk to me about it, our meetings were too taxing vs with others. Not my fault. Not his. Just prob can’t continue. (Though it would be nice to have had that communicated).

Some people just don’t have the communications skills/confidence, especially when serious things need to get discussed. Unfortunately a huge portion of society would stick their heads in the sound and “ghost” when things get sticky.

 

It's not that you shouldn't get attached. It's that you need better judgement as to who to get attached to.

This, good advice. Most times my attachment judgment is impeccable, other times well.....

 

P.S. and yes don’t beat yourself up

[Reluctant Daddy]

I'm getting ghosted in the Patrick Swayze sense. He disappears, reappears, we make pottery together, then he disappears again. The latest was a series of texts - the last was a question to him about the holidays (a harmless chat) that hasn't been answered in over 2 weeks.

 

I genuinely like this guy, opened up to him and made myself completely vulnerable. And I'm kicking myself for being so damn stupid. At my age, you'd think I'd know better.

[Rudynate]

I'm getting ghosted in the Patrick Swayze sense. He disappears, reappears, we make pottery together, then he disappears again. The latest was a series of texts - the last was a question to him about the holidays (a harmless chat) that hasn't been answered in over 2 weeks.

 

I genuinely like this guy, opened up to him and made myself completely vulnerable. And I'm kicking myself for being so damn stupid. At my age, you'd think I'd know better.

 

 

Is it possible to accept the relationship for what it is? Just asking.

[+ newatthis]

Totally agree with @latbear4blk , there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with you, don’t beat yourself up, it could be anything on the escort’s side....

This may not be relevant to your situation, but it illustrates the kinds of things that can happen.

 

A few years ago, someone I had been seeing regularly in Montreal abruptly flaked on me. To set the scene: we met early in the week and had something set up a few days later. That morning we exchanged texts setting a time; he also sent me some family pictures. He never showed up and never responded to my texts from then on.

 

Fast forward a year or so. I mention my experience to another escort who knows him quite well. His response: most likely my guy had been arrested that day and has been too embarrassed to stay in touch. (I knew that my guy was a "bad boy" -- not in any way that impacted on our encounters --but that had never occurred to me.)

[Tarheelboy214]

If I am understanding your communication correctly, you had many successful meetings with this individual with encounters often initiated by him. Then, you had a scheduled meeting in which he canceled 15 minutes prior and asked to reschedule. Now, you haven't heard from him since then. That makes me think something very ominous has happened with him. The short notice cancellation from someone with whom he'd had a seemingly good relationship reads like something very unexpected arose on his part... His suggestion to reschedule for the next day may have been just wishful thinking on his part is that this would not be a prolonged situation. I would be inclined to believe that it sounds health and/or legal-related.

 

I did have someone reschedule for me shortly before an appointment. Unlike your situation in which you have no idea what happened, my guy did indicate that he was not feeling well and thought he would be better the next day. The next day I didn't hear from him at all and texted to find out what had happened/if he was feeling better. I did not hear anything for about 48 hours when I then learned that he went to the doctor and was taken to the emergency room for appendicitis. He was in the hospital for two days and did not have a cell phone charger with him. He did contact me early on the third day to let me know he was recovering from surgery and will be willing to meet in about two weeks. W ended up meeting about three weeks later and it was wonderful. He apologized about 1000 times though I assured him it was unnecessary.

[Rudynate]

I have never had an escort cancel. If he did, it would mean that I probably wouldn't be able to see him again for weeks or months. It's difficult for me to carve out a couple of hours here and there for playtime.

[+ SundayZip]

You've gotten some great advice on this thread and for the most part, I agree. Here's my two cents:

 

Go ahead and hire even if you suspect you're not in a good place emotionally. If you wait until you're 100% happy and life is great, you may never get there. You'll miss out on some great experiences.

 

You can't control how you feel, but you can learn to accept how you feel. If you develop an emotional attachment to an escort, well... it is what it is. You haven't done anything wrong. You're human. The first time it happened to me I kicked myself for feeling hurt and disappointed when it ended. Now I don't care so much. It's like when you stub your toe. It hurts for a while, but even as it hurts, you know it will pass. I'm not going to spend my life wearing steel-toe boots just because I might stub my toe again.

[Reluctant Daddy]

Is it possible to accept the relationship for what it is? Just asking.

 

I guess I'm really unclear as to exactly what it is. Definitely business, at times extremely friendly, at times crickets. I guess I'd like to get a better handle on what it is so that I can adjust either aspect accordingly.