Andy Borowitz rocks

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FEMA HEAD REFUSES TO BE EVACUATED FROM OFFICE

‘You’ll Never Take Me Alive,’ Says Shotgun-wielding Brown

 

A tense standoff continued in Washington, D.C. today as Federal Emergency Management Agency head Michael Brown refused to be evacuated from his office at FEMA headquarters.

 

The White House made the call to evacuate Mr. Brown from his office after it decided that his decision to remain there posed a threat to everyone in the Gulf region.

 

Agents from the Department of Homeland Security first approached Mr. Brown’s office over the weekend, urging him to evacuate and offering to help him empty out his desk and pack up his files.

 

“We offered to move him to another office far away from the FEMA building, where he could do no harm,” said Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff. “We told him that he would have a nice desk, a telephone and a secretary, and that he could spend all day rewriting his resume.”

 

The Homeland Security agents had hoped that the evacuation of the FEMA chief would proceed without incident, but instead of an agreeable team player, the Michael Brown they encountered was a shotgun-wielding madman who doggedly refused to budge.

 

“You bastards!” shrieked a visibly unhinged Mr. Brown. “You’ll never take me alive!”

 

As the standoff moved into its third day, Mr. Brown told reporters that he had enough food and water to remain in his office for another six months and that it was unfair to evacuate him after “only one major screw-up.”

 

“They would never do this to Rumsfeld,” he said.

 

Elsewhere, climatologists said today that President Bush’s approval rating is now below sea level and should remain there for at least three years.