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Desperately seeking laughs


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After a week of stress, hot topics and just general malise over the Dodgers play, I found myself looking for a laugh in paper this morning.

 

From the other paper in Los Angeles..The Daliy News opinion section:

 

 

Robertson may be speaking in tongues

Schwarzenegger to put his own recall on the ballot

By Steve Young, Guest Columnist

 

Who knew murder was against the Ten Commandments? - The 700 Club's the Rev. Pat Robertson suggested the assassination of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez as a good, money-saving policy. "We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability," Robertson said Monday on his Christian Broadcasting Network. "We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one strong-arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with."

 

Robertson immediately said that his comments were misinterpreted by the media and that he had not said what he said. When it was pointed out to him that what he said about what he said was bearing false witness and against the Ten Commandments, he apologized for saying he hadn't said what he had said and what he meant to say was that he believed that Chavez was an "ass-in-his-nation."

 

"Is mispronunciation a sin?" asked Robertson. "Next thing you know, they'll be condemning me for sloth," added the televangelist as he asked 700 Club viewers to pray for him to collect the money he needed to hire someone to repair his image.,

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Presidential vacation update: This past week, President George W. Bush took a few days from his vacation to visit a number of U.S. military bases. "Most people aren't aware that the president's monthlong vacation is, in actuality, five weeks," said an anonymous White House spokesman, "and the president needed a well-deserved break from his Crawford holiday." The spokesman added that "the president is a man who thrives on challenges, and with Cindy Sheehan away in Los Angeles, he just felt that with no one worthwhile not to talk to, there was no reason not to go someplace where there were more important people not to ignore."

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Mother of Jackson accuser accused of welfare fraud: The mother of the boy who accused pop star Michael Jackson of sexual abuse was herself charged with fraudulently obtaining welfare payments. The 37-year-old woman has fought back, charging welfare department officials with holding her hostage, putting her through involuntary Rodeo Drive shopping trips while forcing her to take money from the government. "And I wouldn't be surprised at all if the entire staff at the welfare department had cosmetic surgery," the mother said. "I can't be sure. I'm just saying," she added.

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Location, location, location: A recent study revealed that 70 percent of this country's auto thefts take place in California. What the numbers fail to show is that the cars that were stolen just happened to be in California at the time of the thefts. That's not about crime, my friends. It's just geographic dumb luck.

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Shiites, Sunnis and Kurds, oh my: The Iraqi constitution delay went into its second week with the country's three main factions still at odds. "It was not so much a question of getting us on the same page," said one constitutional participant. "It's just that most of us keep getting our sects mixed up. I'm an Iraqi and I can't keep them straight."

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Mascot no-no update: Because of their history with the Native American tribe, the Florida State University Seminoles were permitted by the NCAA to keep their nickname. However,the Savage Injun Scalpers of the Columbia School of Insults is still under investigation.

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Bull manure could be energy alternative: The Panda Group of Dallas plans to fuel a $120 million ethanol plant set to open next year in Hereford with manure and other waste as fuel ingredients. If true, the fuel from Congress alone could run Washington for years.

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Base closings faux pas: In a mix-up over base closings, the Defense Department ordered the shutdown of the Pentagon. "Some joker in the budget department thought it would be funny to add the Pentagon to the locations under scrutiny," said a Defense official who asked not to be identified. "But, golly, the closer we looked at it and all the mistakes we made and money we were costing the government, we had no choice."

 

Another closing: West Point. "We focused on the cadets' football team, which had been deemed a lost cause, and, gee whillikers, we just thought that keeping the place open would only add to the Army's embarrassment."

 

Spared: The Air Force Academy. "Everyone felt we'd be lost without the yearly scandals."

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Governor faces high disapproval: In a radical move to deal head-on with his tumbling job-approval ratings, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced plans to place his own recall on the Nov. 8 special election ballot. "The governor has never backed down from a fight," said an anonymous staffer from Schwarzenegger's Sacramento office. "He has always felt that going directly to the people was the best way to take a poll. Additionally, it will take untold numbers of petition gatherers standing in front of Wal-Mart back off the unemployment rolls."

 

In actuality, the governor doesn't feel that the 54 percent of Californians who disapprove of his performance is a big deal. "You should have seen the reaction to 'Kindergarten Cop,"' said a source in the governor's career-in-film-reference department. "If it wasn't for Jeffrey Lyons, no one would have had a good thing to say about those cute kids."

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Rolling Stones tour update: In an attempt to get as rich as possible, the Rolling Stones were booked and performed in two different venues on the same night. The booking blunder for their "Hurry And See Us Before We Die" tour revealed a heretofore undisclosed, well-kept secret: There's more than one group. "We're kind of like the Temptations," admitted one of the Mick Jaggers. "If you look real close, you'll see that none of the original Stones are in the band. In fact, on one of the foreign tours, Keith Richards was played by a girl. And not a very pretty one."

 

Steve Young is author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" and can be heard on Los Angeles' KTLK AM 1150, Saturdays 1 p.m. to 4 p.m.

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