I'd have given different advice

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: I recently left my job and flew across the country for an internship on a small farm to learn about sustainable farming. I have been here a week. I have met some awesome people and have been having some fun with them in my free time. However, I’m now having second thoughts.

 

This is hard, physical labor, and my living conditions are a lot more rustic and communal than I was led to believe. There is no electricity in our quarters, and we cook our meals outside on a propane stove. Also, the internship is unpaid, and I’ll have to pay to take a summer class.

 

While I feel I am benefiting from this experience, I miss my old job (which I can get back) and the more comfortable lifestyle. Do you think I need to give this internship more time? -- ACROSS THE COUNTRY

 

DEAR ACROSS: You signed on for the internship for a good reason -- to learn. Having done that, it will be not only educational but also character-building to see it through until the end of the summer. This isn’t forever, and the lessons you learn may last a lifetime. No a/c? Get the #@*% out of there ASAP!!!

 

DEAR ABBY: Just months before our 30th wedding anniversary, my husband told me he doesn’t love me and never wanted to marry me. I am beyond devastated. I feel I have wasted the best years of my life. We have two beautiful daughters who are my everything.

 

When he revealed this news to me, it turned my life upside down. I don’t know how to process it or what to do. I have spent years begging him to be more affectionate and loving. I always assumed he just didn’t know how to show love. It never crossed my mind that he has never loved me. I feel naive, betrayed and robbed. -- HOPELESS IN THE MIDWEST

 

DEAR HOPELESS: When your husband handed you that “bouquet,” was he angry or inebriated? It is hard to believe that a man would stay married for 30 years to someone he didn’t love and didn’t want to marry in the first place. (Shotgun weddings are long out of style.)

 

Revisit that conversation with him, and if he tells you he meant what he said, you are justified in feeling the way you describe. The questions then become are you better with him or without him, and what are your legal rights in the state in which you and this man live. (Not referring to him as your “husband” was not an oversight.) Have you ever considered the possibility that you are just unlovable?

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: I have a wonderful mother-in-law whom I love very much. She frequently stays overnight in my home. I also have two young sons.

 

My mother-in-law recently mentioned to me that she doesn't wear underwear to bed and never has, including while staying at my house. I'm troubled by this because she wears nightgowns to bed, and I'm afraid my sons might accidentally see her lady parts. Also, she sleeps on my furniture like this, and I feel it is disrespectful and unladylike.

 

I don't know how to say to her that, for the sake of my furniture and my sanity, I need her to wear underwear to bed when she stays at my house. Do I broach this subject, or am I being unreasonable? -- PROPER IN OHIO

 

DEAR PROPER: What your mother-in-law wears to bed is her business, not yours. Unless your little boys are playing peek-a-boo underneath her nightie, they won't notice -- or care. How long is that garment anyway? If it reaches below her knees or to her ankles, there should be no "bootie contact" with your sofa. In the interest of family harmony, I recommend you take a chill pill and leave the subject alone. MORON...

 

DEAR ABBY: I'm in love with a man who doesn't want us to be described as anything more than friends. We are together every day, and he knows I love him. We have sex, and I sleep over whenever possible. He wants me there all the time but with no status. Am I wrong for wanting more? Will there ever be more? -- NAMELESS IN PENNSYLVANIA

 

DEAR NAMELESS: The answers to your questions are no and no. Your "friend" wants the benefits of being a lover and none of the responsibility.

 

Have you talked with him about this and how it makes you feel? You are not "wrong" for wanting more, but you are mistaken if you think that being at his beck and call is the way to get the commitment he seems to be so unwilling to make. You might have better results if you quit being so available. MORON...

 

DEAR ABBY: I'm recently married to my second wife. We have a great relationship, but I feel like she has a better relationship with my two daughters than I do. They do everything together, and my daughters don't want to do anything that includes me.

 

Part of me is grateful they have such a great relationship, but I'm also jealous that my relationship with them is not as good as hers. Should I say something? I don't want to ruin what they have, but I feel neglected. Am I being selfish? Should I just ignore it and get a hobby or something? -- ENVIOUS IN THE EAST

 

DEAR ENVIOUS: I wish you had mentioned how old your daughters are. I see nothing to be gained by not discussing this with your wife. Parenting is not supposed to be a contest.

 

Your daughters may not mean to exclude you, but may assume you wouldn't be interested in the things they are doing or discussing. (I'm thinking of things females like to do together.) If you let them know you're sincerely interested in joining in some of their activities, you may be surprised at how quickly they include you. Also, set a standing (monthly) breakfast or lunch date -- just you and your daughters -- so you can spend some quality time together. MORON...

 

Edited June 26, 2019 by samhexum

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: I'm a girl in my teens. My best friend moved away, and I miss her so much. It feels like the world has turned against me, and I am depressed.

 

I don't like to text her, and I don't think she would let me call her every single day, although I haven't asked. I'm afraid we're not going to be friends anymore, and I feel so distant from my other friends. I made a new friend this year, but it isn't the same.

 

What should I do, Abby? Do I talk to her about it? Or should I stop being her friend? -- MISSING MY BEST FRIEND

 

DEAR MISSING: It is painful when life separates people. As you pointed out, friendships, unlike Lego blocks, are not interchangeable. Do not suddenly stop communicating with your friend. You should absolutely talk to her and tell her how you are feeling because she may be feeling the same way.

 

With more time, you will get past this. You will meet more people and establish new relationships. But in the meantime, try to stay busy, which will help you feel less isolated. Cut your hair into a butch cut, buy a plaid shirt and a pair of Doc Martins, and start hanging out at Home Depot.

[samhexum]

Dear Abby: All my boyfriend wants to do is clean the house and make love to me. He also cooks for me, massages me, worships my body, insists that I take naps and makes me laugh nonstop. What’s wrong with him?

 

– Pondering in the Sunshine State

 

Dear Pondering: What’s wrong with YOU? This must be a new relationship. Give it time, and I am sure you will uncover something. He has terrible taste in girlfriends.

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: I could use some advice on the best response to my 89-year-old father's letters. He cleverly inserts insults into them without writing anything for which he could be criticized.

 

For example, he has always talked about how he hates fat people. I am very overweight. My father sends me letters talking about how fit and trim another relative is who had just visited. That's all he says about them, and it's all he writes to me about. I can certainly read between the lines.

 

This isn't a one-time thing, just one example. I know my father will never change. He was abusive to me, my siblings and my mother. I see these letters as another way for him to continue his abuse, so I ignore them. Not engaging is my way of taking the high road. Extended family and friends bug me to talk with him about it, but I have never had a good experience with talking to my father.

 

I would have hoped that being closer to death would cause him to reconsider his interactions with his children, but he just isn't able to do so. Could you recommend a response other than silence? — READING INTO IT IN ILLINOIS

 

DEAR READING INTO IT: As a matter of fact, I can. Write him back and say something like this:

 

"Dear Dad, you may have been wondering why I don't respond to your letters. They contain nothing more than comparisons to other relatives who are skinnier and more fit than I am, and frankly, I find them painful to read. I am not writing this as a criticism of you, but only so you will understand my silence.

 

"Sincerely,

 

"Your Daughter 'Judy'"

 

You do not have to talk to him. This should get your message across. Visit him and sit on him. That action will carry more weight with him than any words could.

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband for 38 years. Our two children are adults now. Our older son has had the same girlfriend for 11 years, but my in-laws still won't accept her because they aren't married, so they don't include her in some family functions. How can I let them know in a nice way that she is family to me?

 

Even my husband doesn't regard her as family.

 

I understand some people are that way, but I was raised by a mother who saw all of our friends and boyfriends and girlfriends as family, even after some were divorced. I feel like skipping these family functions if my children and their girlfriends aren't included. What can I do? -- INCLUSIVE IN OKLAHOMA

 

DEAR INCLUSIVE: Your in-laws have a right to their opinions, and so do you. Listen to your heart. If it's telling you that you would rather spend those times with your children and their girlfriends, go ahead and do it. I am assuming that the son who is involved in the long-term relationship would not be leaving his girlfriend home alone when these gatherings are held, because if that's the case after 11 years, she should dump him. Have your son and his trollop had any bastard children that the family also won't accept?

 

 

DEAR ABBY: My sisters and I grew up in California. One of my sisters moved to Texas with her husband 29 years ago. Over the years I have had to listen to her put California down. On the occasions when she visits, she never fails to mention how crowded it is, how the air is terrible and how our government is a joke.

 

Recently, she asked to come here for a visit, and I agreed. The next day I got a text from her with an article attached about "Why California Sucks." I am so irritated that I no longer want her to come next month. How do I handle this? -- ANNOYED IN CALIFORNIA

 

DEAR ANNOYED: Are you telling me you have tolerated your sister's jibes about our great state of California all this time without putting a stop to it? That woman has a lot of nerve! If she truly hates it here, why is she willing to come?

 

Although California may have its natural disasters, a large homeless population, unhealthful air quality, scorching heat waves and the promise of even higher taxes to come -- other states are not without their challenges. Yet folks still seem to want to immigrate to California in droves, judging by the traffic.

 

The time has come to draw the line. Tell your sister you don't like her needling, and if she doesn't cut it out, her invitation will be rescinded. Send her a text saying "at least we never elected Ted Cruz."

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: Because my husband and I work, I take our 6-month-old to a sitter several times a week. I understand little ones tend to be mean sometimes — hitting, biting and pushing — but in this case, it’s a little different.

My sitter cares for her 3-year-old granddaughter as well as her clients’ children, and her granddaughter pushes the littler ones. I have seen her push a 1-year-old down. I have never observed any of the other children do it, only the granddaughter.

 

I wouldn’t be so worried if my daughter were 2 and could defend herself, but she’s only 6 months old. She is crawling, sitting up and standing already (braggart), and I’m gravely worried the girl will harm my infant. I don’t want my baby ending up with a head injury. What can I do to try to resolve this? — DEEPLY CONCERNED IN THE SOUTH

 

 

DEAR DEEPLY CONCERNED IDIOT: Talk to the sitter about your concerns. Ask if it is possible to keep the older girl separate from the younger ones, however, the only way to be absolutely certain your little one is safe would be to change babysitters. If you need somebody to tell you that you need to get a new babysitter, somebody must've given YOU brain damage when you were a baby. OR... have the granddaughter arrested for assault.

 

 

DEAR ABBY: I made a friend on Facebook. “Drew” and I texted through Messenger, and I went to ride four-wheelers with him one day. We hit it off great. We started dating, and he moved in with me for a few months.

 

In the beginning, Drew didn’t mention he was working only part time. After he told me he had been moved to part time, I told him he needed to tell his boss he needed full time or a different job. I wrote a comment to that effect on their page, and his boss texted me back saying Drew can work as much as he wants! He also said Drew hasn’t worked full time since he started working there.

 

Well, Drew got mad at me and left. I still love him. I thought he was my soul mate. Should I keep wishing we could get back together? — FEELING LIFELESS

 

DEAR FEELING LIFELESS IDIOT: No! In a sense, you were taken for a ride, and I’m not talking about four-wheelers. Your next soul mate should be someone who is completely honest and, preferably, fully employed. Drew is neither.

Who the h-e-double hockey sticks do you think you are commenting on his workplace's page about his employment? Drew may be lazy, but you are a pushy manipulator. He is SO much better off without you.

 

DEAR ABBY: I have been remarried for four years to a wonderful man who treats me like a queen. However, he and my 18-year-old daughter dislike each other, which causes a huge amount of stress and conflict. They fight, and I’m stuck in the middle. I don’t know what I can do to resolve this problem. I love them both with all my heart! — DESPERATE FOR PEACE

 

DEAR DESPERATE IDIOT: I wish you had mentioned why your husband dislikes your daughter and vice versa. Is he overbearing and trying to parent her? That is YOUR job, not his.

Your daughter is no longer 14. At 18, she is now considered to be an adult, and because the “combatants” are both adults, they should act like it, be civil and refrain from turning their disagreements into open warfare. Your mistake has been allowing yourself to be placed in the middle. A better solution would be to get family counseling if your daughter plans to continue to live with you. As my aunt Ann Landers used to say "wake up and smell the coffee." They are obviously having an affair, and are hoping the stress and conflict drive you to leave him, so they can be together.

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee, "Diane," and her two sons live in a nice home. I also have a nice home, newly constructed. It's located 1,200 miles away, near my parents, my son and my job. Diane currently has no job nor family within 500 miles of her town. Her boys' father (whom she shares custody with) lives within 50 miles of me. My job and the custody arrangement for my son preclude me from living where Diane does.

 

Together, she and I would have three sons. The spacious five-bedroom house I own is more than adequate. Diane has made clear that if I sell my home and buy my neighbor's, which is a larger seven-bedroom manor, she will be on the next flight. If not, she won't leave. We could buy the manor with cash if I sell my home and she sold hers and put her savings into the purchase, but she doesn't want to use her savings.

 

Diane is my everything, but it feels like I may just be chasing a dream. I worry that if I'm not enough, will I be enough when I own a manor? -- IT'S COMPLICATED

 

DEAR IT'S COMPLICATED: I'm proud of you. You are seeing things clearly, which is unusual when emotions are involved. It appears your dream girl, the fair Diane, is attempting to blackmail you. If she can't be the "lady of the manor," she's not interested in uprooting her life. If you give in to her now, do not do it without an ironclad prenuptial agreement. Please stay strong, because if you don't, you may regret it for a long time. Dump the gold-digger and run for the hills!

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: My 34-year-old daughter lives with me to get ahead on her student loans. She has a good job, pays rent and has a serious boyfriend. My niece, her cousin, recently died by suicide, and naturally, we are all devastated, but my daughter took the news especially hard. I had to be out of town for three weeks, and during this time she has been spending time with my sister-in-law's family as they all navigate this tragedy.

 

My niece left behind several pets -- dogs and a mama cat with kittens. My daughter called me, announced she had brought a kitten home and declared that this kitten has helped her in her grief process. I am livid that she didn't ask me first (she knew the answer would be a firm "no"). She's now claiming that I don't care about her grief.

 

I feel emotionally blackmailed, and I'm dreading the confrontation when I get home. This kitten has taken this devastating tragedy to a new level. How should I handle this? -- FAMILY GRIEF

 

DEAR FAMILY GRIEF: While I understand your feelings, handle it by being less hard-nosed about the fact that your daughter didn't follow protocol by asking permission before bringing home the kitten. Allow her to keep it, and during those times when she can't be home because she's working, etc., encourage her to leave the little furball with her boyfriend. Make plain that the creature is -- and will be -- her responsibility, meaning she will be responsible for feeding, vet bills, litter box, etc. And, most important of all, try not to fall in love with it because when your daughter leaves, Kitty will be going with her. Don't be such a pussy. Kick them both out, you heartless bitch.

 

DEAR ABBY: I am a straight female. I have been divorced for 10-plus years and recently decided, after five years of trying to attract a new man through online dating, that I want to be single and celibate for the rest of my life.

 

Literally days after I wrote the decision in my journal, guys are coming at me out of the woodwork, chatting me up, even giving unsolicited hugs. I'm bewildered.

 

I subscribed to a dating site for a full-year membership and got not one single reply to any of my messages. Not one! I also tried a different dating site, where my friend met her spouse. It yielded crickets. No man ever messaged me to say, "Hey, I like your photo and want to know more about you." This reinforces my decision that I want nothing to do with men. -- LEAVE ME ALONE

 

DEAR LEAVE ME ALONE: And your question is? If you are asking me to validate a decision you made out of frustration after a year of terrible luck, I can't in good conscience do that. We can't run from life because we are afraid of the pain of being open. That is the coward's choice.

 

If men are showing an interest, allow them to get to know you and vice versa, instead of hiding. Be present and live your life in situations that include available people, which sometimes yields better results than the pressure of online dating.

So become a nun, and then you will get none.

[samhexum]

Dear Abby: I’m an American man who was adopted as an infant. Several years ago, I found my birth parents. They are not from America. My mother came here to give birth and left. Sometime later she married my father and had more children. I’m in touch with the entire family, but mainly my birth parents.

 

My biological siblings are jealous of my success in life and make it plain they don’t approve of much that I do. They also make sure I know I’m not REALLY part of the family because we didn’t grow up together (although we are, by blood, 100% siblings).

 

I deal with this the best I can, but now I’m getting flak from them because of my political views. (They saw a photo of me at a political fundraiser.) When my sister turned 40 this year, I sent her a card, a Facebook post and a text message. I turned 50 at the same time and heard not a word from her.

 

Although my siblings are not Americans, they feel the need to trash our country, our government and our way of life. I’m tempted to cut ties with them. There is little respect coming my way, and I think I’ve had enough. I value your opinion, which is why I am writing to you now.

 

BTW: I had an amazing set of (now deceased) parents and wonderful siblings growing up. I just wish I had a better relationship with my biological family.

 

– Disappointed And Excluded

 

Dear Disappointed: Your family is the family that raised and nurtured you. I, too, am sorry you don’t have a better relationship with these jealous, judgmental people. You are related by blood – nothing more trashes our government. That means Trump. They sound like sane, rational people to me. They do not have the every right to criticize your political views or your lifestyle, andy more than you have the no right to criticize theirs. (And I doubt know you would.) Because you are neither respected nor included, you have every right to back off and head in a different, more positive direction. not REALLY part of the family, Frankly, I suspect you they will feel better as soon as you do disappear from their lives.

 

Dear Abby: I’m a 26-year-old male in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend, who is 18. I love her to the moon and back, but I feel like she only stays with me because I can buy her things. She gets upset with me when I don’t get them for her. She says I value my mother and others before her.

 

I love her so much, and I want to marry her. I’m a minister at a church. She thinks she should take priority before my bills and taking care of my mother, who can barely walk. What do I do?

 

– Uneasy In New Jersey

 

Dear Uneasy IDIOT: From what you have written, it appears you are involved with an 18-year-old self-involved gold digger who does seem to be with you only because of what you give her. She hasn’t yet learned (1) That a gift should be voluntary and appreciated, rather than extorted, and (2) the way a man treats his mother is the way he will treat his wife, and (3) that a 26 year old minister who thinks an 18 year old can have a serious long-distance relationship is an IDIOT.

 

Since you asked my advice, here it is: Close your wallet and ditch this “girl.”

 

 

 

 

DEAR ABBY: I have a question about etiquette. My son is getting married soon. In a conversation with the bride-to-be, I asked if she had chosen a florist and was told that her mom will be making all the wedding flowers out of natural materials. Abby, I hate silk, i.e. “plastic” flowers! Would I be creating a huge problem if I offered to purchase my own wrist corsage from a florist, or should I keep quiet and deal with ugly fake “flowers” with my beautiful dress? Or, can I remove the fake corsage directly after photos are taken? — OFFENDED MOM OF THE GROOM

 

DEAR OFFENDED MOM: The proper thing to do is keep your opinion to yourself and go along with the plans your soon-to-be daughter-in-law and her mother have made. Wear the corsage and your sweetest smile for the wedding photos. After that it shouldn’t cause a problem if you QUIETLY remove it. FUTURE ROYAL PAIN IN YOUR DAUGHTER IN LAW’S ASS: While of course the bride’s wedding day is all about you, try to fake caring about her (and your son’s?) wishes. It’ll at least postpone her finding out how selfish and petty you are.

 

DEAR ABBY: My best friend of nine years, “Sierra,” and my boyfriend of two years, “Jaden,” strongly dislike each other. They were both at a cookout I had for my birthday, and Sierra kept making passive-aggressive comments to and about him.

 

At one point, she criticized something controversial that he said, and when he tried to engage her in conversation about it, she ignored him and pretended he didn’t exist. Jaden then launched into a series of verbal attacks against her, and although I attempted to get him to drop it, I was unsuccessful.

 

Sierra ended up leaving, telling me she needed to take a break from our friendship. She has since unfollowed me on social media, leaving me with the impression that our friendship is over because of the argument between her and my boyfriend.

 

I know Jaden was more at fault, and we have discussed the situation at length, but Sierra isn’t willing to talk to me about it. They’ve never had an interaction like this, ever. She’s never liked him, and I know she will never move past this. If Jaden and I were to break up, I don’t know if I could bring myself to resolve things with Sierra because I feel like she was unwilling to preserve our friendship. Should I accept her reaction and behavior and move past this? — BETRAYED AND CONFUSED

 

DEAR BETRAYED: You have no choice but to accept Sierra’s reaction. Not knowing what Jaden said that was controversial, I can’t offer an opinion about what generated the argument. If she preferred not to engage with him further, it was her privilege. For Jaden to have pursued and verbally attacked your friend was abusive, and she did the right thing by leaving.

 

 

Sierra appears to have a strong sense of self-esteem, and I doubt there is anything you could say to her to convince her to subject herself to Jaden’s presence again. She’s intelligent enough to know that until your romance with him has run its course, remaining out of the line of fire is the best course of action. If Jaden becomes history, give her a call. I’m pretty sure you two can clear the air then. How am I supposed to give you helpful advice if you don’t tell me how good Jaden is in bed, and how much money he has?

[samhexum]

Gregory Giangrande has over 25 years of experience as a chief human resources executive and is dedicated to helping New Yorkers get back to work. E-mail your questions to GoToGreg@NYPost.com. Follow Greg on Twitter: @greggiangrande and at GoToGreg.com.

 

I had a disagreement with a work colleague during a Zoom meeting. He then said — in front of other team members — “Why can’t COVID find the right people?” I was stunned and so was the team. Do you think I should confront the person, report it to HR, or just let it go?

 

Every multiple-choice question has at least one answer that is obviously wrong and can be eliminated immediately. Guess which one that is here? For those of you playing at home, correct — ignoring it is not an option. Let’s replace “COVID” with something else, like “cancer,” “AIDS,” “heart attack” or even “death,” and see how it feels. You have to say something, and there would have to be extraordinary circumstances for me to not fire that individual — like if they just lost a loved one to COVID, are grieving and had a momentary horrible lapse. But that’s about the only excuse I can think of. Get a gun...

 

My employer filed for Chapter 11 last spring and the company closed shortly thereafter. Its assets were sold to another business, which is now in the process of reviving the original company. Fewer than 10 percent of the employees have remained on board with the new owners. The rest were “downsized.” On LinkedIn, the remaining employees often gloat about the “rebirth” of the company, which I find extremely insensitive since so many people lost their livelihoods. Am I justified in feeling this way, or should I congratulate them on LinkedIn?

There are too many people glued to social platforms who are flaming and trolling and rewiring the synapses in their brain and basically becoming digital attack zombies. LinkedIn is not that place and not for those people. You have the right to feel what you feel, but is it possible that their business and job revival under new ownership is justifiable cause for celebration, and they are not actually gloating? If they are being insensitive, you can simply not congratulate them. No harm in that. Or, congratulate them and wish the many colleagues who lost their jobs well, and express hope that the LinkedIn community provides assistance in their job searches. Get a gun...

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: I have been on and off with a man for two years. In all this time, he has never spent a holiday or Valentine’s Day with me, or introduced me to his family or friends. He told me to stay in the bathroom at his office when his friends showed up unexpectedly. When I objected, he said, “It’s only for 20 minutes.” I was horrified.

 

He accuses me of picking fights and says I will never be happy with anyone when I try to talk with him about it. He breaks up with me at holiday time, never calls when he’s on vacation and our dates are always last minute. I realize he is using me for sex, but he insists I am wrong and he is a decent man.

 

Two birthdays passed, and he didn’t even wish me a happy birthday, yet he buys presents and cards for every occasion for his friends and family. He blocks my number if I don’t “behave properly.” He calls me “Miss” in public, but calls waitresses “Sweetie” the few times we have gone out.

 

Narcissistic and emotionally abusive? Am I wrong? He tells me no one will stay with me once they know the type of woman I am. I’m not always at fault like he wants me to believe. He buys me nothing to drink or eat when we are together. I pay my own way. I regret the day he entered my life. How can I make him see what he does is wrong? — ALMOST DONE IN NEW YORK

 

DEAR ALMOST DONE: This shameless man may never view what he has been doing as wrong, so don’t try to “make” him see anything. End this sorry excuse for a relationship now, because it is degrading, a waste of your time, and it’s very likely that he is married and cheating on his wife. IDIOT: How does it feel to be the personification of every cliche about stupid women and the men they date?

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: I have two wonderful grandparents I love very much. They are the most important people in my life, and I always think about them when planning anything in my life because I want to make them happy.

 

The problem is I want to go to college out of state and pursue a career that isn't possible in the city or state they live in. They want me to live with them in a city I can't be happy in because of this.

 

How do I tell them I can't see myself staying there for the rest of my life? I know they won't be happy hearing it, but I don't want to disappoint them or make them think I don't love them anymore by leaving. Please help. I don't know what to do or what path in life to take. -- AT A CROSSROADS IN TEXAS

 

DEAR AT A CROSSROADS: You ARE at a crossroads. You're standing in the intersection of adolescence and adulthood. You deserve the chance to fulfill your dreams, so it's time for an adult conversation with your grandparents. Explain that you love them and don't want to disappoint them, and outline what your plans are regarding your education and your career. While they may be disappointed, if they love you as much as you love them, they won't stand in your way. There are several very important questions about your grandparents I need answered before I can give you my sage advice: Do they have money? How much? How old are they? How is their health? Do they have other beneficiaries grandchildren?

[samhexum]

Dear Abby: My beautiful 17-year-old stepdaughter, “Amelia,” recently became sexually active. She’s in a “serious” relationship with the boy she had sex with. They have been together for six months, and from what she’s told me, they both gave each other their virginity and protection was used. She has not disclosed this to her parents.

 

My husband and Amelia are very close, but she and her mom recently had a falling-out. Amelia pledged me to secrecy, and I immediately scheduled her to see an OB/GYN to get her on birth control.

 

 

My question is, should I tell my husband? I feel awful not telling him, but she has told me she doesn’t want either of her parents to know. I’m grateful she comes to me for things like this, but eventually, it’s going to come out when my husband sees the explanation of benefits from the insurance.

 

Amelia’s mom and I have a solid relationship, and my husband and her mom also have a good one. I don’t want to keep secrets regarding their daughter, but I don’t want to betray my stepdaughter either. Please help.

 

— Struggling Stepmom

 

Dear Stepmom: It isn’t necessary to betray your stepdaughter’s confidence to get her the help she needs. Go online to plannedparenthood.org, locate the nearest Planned Parenthood clinic and share that information with Amelia. The organization provides a wide range of low-cost services to women and men, including family planning, STD diagnosis and treatment, and birth control on a confidential basis. You should also encourage Amelia to discuss this with her parents. She is behaving responsibly in wanting to protect herself. Tell the little harlot you will not put your marriage at risk by covering for her wanton ways.

[samhexum]

HOLD HIS FAMILY AT GUNPOINT

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: My daughter was accepted at a college of her choice in Pennsylvania that offered loads of grant money. Our out-of-pocket is about $6,000 if she gets a Stafford loan or works this summer to help with the $4,500 that would be the loan. My husband is insisting on a community college, which she doesn't want to attend. He constantly cites the fact that our house is in foreclosure and that he owes money to the IRS for his business, which is why things can't be.

 

I think our children should be able to do things if they're workable. I encouraged them all through school to do their best and follow their dreams. My husband offered no assistance with homework or anything else. Any compliments they got for extracurricular involvement and excellent grades, he'd always say it was because of me -- and rightly so, but it was also them.

 

Incidentally, our firstborn wanted to go to a particular college, but his father convinced him to go to the community college by promising he'd pay for it and get him a car. He never even taught the poor kid to drive. I offered professional driving lessons, but my son declined.

 

Now my husband is using the same tactics on my daughter. Should I send her to follow her dreams against his wishes? You can't stifle them forever. -- ENCOURAGING MOM IN NEW YORK

 

DEAR MOM: With the house in foreclosure and money owed to the IRS, your husband is right to be concerned. Sometimes the best-laid plans go awry because of circumstances beyond our control, specifically the volatile economic climate we have been experiencing.

 

That said, I think you may be overdue to have a frank talk with your daughter about what she may have to do in order to supplement the grants being offered by the college of her choice. If she is willing to work over the summer and possibly beyond -- and considers taking out a student loan of her own -- she should be given the chance to live her dream. Suzy Orman: I hope your daughter is going to study something that will enable her to make a lot of money someday so she can buy her parents out of the poorhouse her stupid mother insisted they move into so she could get a degree and then go work in a McDonald's because no jobs were available.

 

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together 15 years. We used to be inseparable. He was my best friend.

 

Ever since our daughter was born nine years ago, we rarely spend time together. Most of his free time is spent in the basement doing woodworking; I spend my time upstairs or outside. I don't think he enjoys my company anymore.

 

I have told him this, and he says it's not intentional, and he loves me more now than ever. But it feels to me like we are growing apart, and I am very lonely. Because my daughter is who I spend most of my time with, she is the one who suffers my moods when I'm sad and upset with him. What can we do to be friends again instead of just parents? -- MISSING IT IN OHIO

 

DEAR MISSING: Explain to your husband that you are lonely and need more of him than you have been getting since your daughter was born. Start exploring child care options and then schedule some adults-only date nights for just the two of you. This works for many other couples, and it may help the two of you renew some of the excitement that was there when you were child-free. Your daughter is a prime age for sex traffickers... (just sayin')

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: I'd like advice on how to handle a problem that crops up every time family members invite me out to a dinner they are paying for.

 

I know the rule of etiquette is to order an item that's the same or less than what the host is ordering, but I am often asked to order first. This means I have no idea what the payer's meal will cost. If it means ordering something on the menu other than what I'd rather have -- a burger instead of a steak -- in that case, should I offer to pay for my own meal? What if they won't hear of taking any money from me? Can I still order the steak since my offer to pay was refused? -- LIKES TO FOLLOW THE RULES

 

DEAR LIKES: A way to get around ordering first might be to say, "I haven't decided yet. I'd like to hear what the others are ordering." However, if you would be uncomfortable doing that, and your hosts won't let you have a separate check, be a gracious guest and enjoy every bite of your steak dinner. "Lets all go a to a vegan place," and that way you know NOBODY will be ordering anything.

[samhexum]

Dear Abby: Like a lot of people, I’m working from home. Today I was completing a complicated procedure between calls from customers and getting conflicting instant messages from my supervisor and manager. I exclaimed a cuss word and suddenly got an IM from the manager saying I shouldn’t cuss. I’m at home, in my room, using my computer and on pause so I can’t receive a call from a customer, and my manager is listening to me? Was I in the wrong here?

— Caught in Texas

Dear Caught: Yes, you were. If you did something during business hours that you wouldn’t do at the office, you shouldn’t have been doing it at home. (In the future, if you want to blurt out a few choice words, do it while you are well away from the microphone!) FUCK, YES!

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: I recently attended my first rodeo, and during the singing of the national anthem, I realized I was getting the "stink eye" from a pair of teenaged boys. I hadn't removed my straw sunhat because I was taught that a woman's hat is considered part of her outfit and need not be taken off on such occasions. I'm the wife and daughter of veterans, and this is their understanding as well. Have the rules changed? -- "HATTY" IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR "HATTY": According to EmilyPost.com, fashionable hats can be left on when the national anthem is played and when the flag of the United States is paraded by. However, if the person is wearing a baseball-style cap, members of both genders should respectfully remove it.  Did you ever consider that maybe your deodorant wasn't working and you stank worse than the animals?

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: My mom and I have always been close, but since I got married, I have been having a hard time setting boundaries. My parents divorced when I was 12, and Mom went through a string of boyfriends — including an abusive one. She hasn’t dated anyone seriously in the last five years. My father is a pilot. While I was growing up, it was mostly Mom who raised me. It was the two of us against the world, until I met my husband, “Eric.” We started dating four years ago and were married last summer.

Eric knows Mom and I have always considered ourselves to be each other’s best friend. He also knows we have taken many trips together. It’s a tradition Mom was hoping we’d continue after my wedding. She has recently begun discussing a vacation, and Eric wants to tag along. She, however, wants it to be a “just us girls” trip. I’m not sure how to handle this. Mom and Eric are the most important people in my life. Must I really choose between one or the other? Who comes first? And how do I break the news to whoever comes second? — TORN IN ILLINOIS

DEAR TORN IDIOT: You are a newlywed, married only a short time. For your mother to expect you to leave your husband and vacation with her at this point is insensitive and unrealistic. When people marry, their spouse is supposed to take precedence. Tell your mother you would love to take girls trips with her in the future, but not during the first year of your marriage. Tell your mother and Eric to take the vacation together while you stay home and relax and pamper yourself. Hopefully they’ll get it on and he’ll wind up divorcing you and marrying her, and then you can start planning trips for you and her so she can know how annoying that can be for a newlywed.

 

 

[samhexum]

Dear Abby: I have three daughters who live with me. My ex-wife told them what I used to do for work after I got out of the service, before they were born. I was a mercenary. I was hired by a reputable security firm, and I never did anything illegal or morally wrong, but my daughters look at me differently now. How do I set this right?

— Full-Time Dad in Oregon

Dear Dad: I wish you had mentioned how old your daughters are, and described how they are treating you “differently.” You need to have an honest talk with them – in an age-appropriate way – about your former career and be prepared to answer any questions they may have. In a case like this, being open and forthright is the solution. Shoot their mother. (DUH!)

Dear Abby: My son and daughter-in-law went through a lot to have a baby, but she had a miracle child in her 40s. The boy is now 12. The problem: She’s still sleeping with him regularly. She’s very cuddly and “smoochy” with him, and they use baby talk with each other. My wife and I are worried about his development and future. Should we be? Is there anything we, as grandparents, can or should do? We’re not comfortable bringing it up in conversation.

— Doesn’t Seem Normal

Dear Doesn’t: OK, so you’re not comfortable talking to your daughter-in-law about it. But where is your son in this scenario? Have you asked him what he thinks about it? How does your grandson feel about the fact that he still sleeps with his cuddly, smoochy mother? He’ll be a teenager in another year, maturing from boyhood to young manhood. While you and I might consider what’s going on to be stunting your grandson’s development, other than talking with your family, there is nothing you can or should do. Film them. Reality TV can always use more interesting couples.

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: When my boyfriend talks about women, he doesn’t always refer to them by their name. In most cases, I don’t know the individual. But even if he does refer to her by name, what bothers me is he always follows it by describing her boobs (i.e., “the one with the big boobs, she has got to be at least a 42D, they stick straight out,” or, “she’s petite with a very small waistline”). Yet, he says he loves my figure and always expresses he loves the way I’m built.

I have ignored the “big boob” comments because (I’m guessing) he gets some kind of satisfaction from making them, so I have gone along with it. However, it is becoming increasingly annoying. How can I get him to stop these comments and either refer to the women by name, or “Jerry’s wife,” “the woman” or “the lady”? Frankly, I’m not interested in the description; her name will suffice. Also, can you explain why he always slips in the description of the woman’s anatomy? — MORE THAN A BODY

DEAR MORE: A direct way to get your boyfriend to cut it out would be to tell him in plain English that the graphic description of these women’s anatomy is a huge turnoff. As to your second question, your boyfriend does it because this is how he classifies the females he meets. He does not view them as individuals; he identifies them according to their anatomy. Tell him if he doesn’t cut it out you will start referring to him as ‘the one with the micropenis’ or ‘the one who can’t keep it up’ to all of his friends and family. Or maybe ‘the one whose dick isn’t getting anywhere near me until he stops his annoying habit.’

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: My niece is getting married this spring, which has created a dilemma for my immediate family. When the save-the-date cards went out, she addressed them only to the women in the family. We thought it was a mistake at first, but now the invitations have arrived, and they are also addressed to the women only.

My husband and my son (her first cousin) feel slighted. My son’s wife was invited, but she doesn’t know the bride at all. It seems the bride has a limited number of guests she can invite for the venue. She also has a large number of friends and the groom’s family attending.

Out of respect for my son and my husband — and a son-in-law who was also excluded — we all will respond that we will not attend. I feel terrible not being able to see my niece walk down the aisle, but I’m not used to my spouse being ignored. Am I doing the right thing? — PUZZLED IN FLORIDA

DEAR PUZZLED: Before you refuse the wedding invitation, call your niece and ask if she is intentionally excluding the men. Because women make most of the social arrangements, she may not have realized that EACH guest’s name must appear on the invitation. Rather than an attempt to exclude family members because their chromosomes are not the same as hers, this may simply have been an etiquette boo-boo. a lesbian. You know how man-hating they usually are.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 35 years and have a recurring problem with no solution in sight. My wife sets frozen meat on the counter to thaw. She says she can’t count on thawing it in the fridge because it takes too long and interferes with her meal planning. Her mother has always done it this way, and no one has ever gotten sick. I try talking to her but it only ends up in a fight. Any suggestions would be appreciated. — RISKY IN ILLINOIS

DEAR RISKY: The Food and Drug Administration has issued guidelines about food preparation because people have gotten VERY sick when it wasn’t done properly. Over the last 10 or 15 years, conditions in some of our slaughterhouses and agricultural operations have deteriorated, and consumers have died because of it. Whether you can convince your wife to change her ways, I can’t predict. But you might be doing her a favor if you visit fda.gov and print out some information for her and your mother-in-law. Better to be safe than sorry. Prepare your own food, and make sure your wife’s will is up to date.

[samhexum]

DEAR ABBY: Is it customary to give a house cleaner or cleaning service lunch or offer them food if they are doing an extensive cleaning job? I ask because my mother-in-law hired a cleaning crew. She watches my infant daughter during the day. She doesn't cook or clean, although I pay her. Well, she gave the crew lunch. Mind you, she didn't ask me if it was OK or if I wanted the leftovers for my own lunch. I wouldn't mind, but I'm wondering if this is typical. -- CLEANING CREW LUNCH

DEAR CLEANING CREW: Let me put it this way: It is intelligent and hospitable to offer lunch if you want a happy, energetic cleaning crew who look forward to coming back. The practice is not uncommon.

P.S. If there are leftovers you would like to have for lunch, take them with you before the housekeepers arrive.

[+ Tygerscent]

On 10/24/2021 at 10:45 AM, samhexum said:

DEAR ABBY: My mom and I have always been close, but since I got married, I have been having a hard time setting boundaries. My parents divorced when I was 12, and Mom went through a string of boyfriends — including an abusive one. She hasn’t dated anyone seriously in the last five years. My father is a pilot. While I was growing up, it was mostly Mom who raised me. It was the two of us against the world, until I met my husband, “Eric.” We started dating four years ago and were married last summer.

Eric knows Mom and I have always considered ourselves to be each other’s best friend. He also knows we have taken many trips together. It’s a tradition Mom was hoping we’d continue after my wedding. She has recently begun discussing a vacation, and Eric wants to tag along. She, however, wants it to be a “just us girls” trip. I’m not sure how to handle this. Mom and Eric are the most important people in my life. Must I really choose between one or the other? Who comes first? And how do I break the news to whoever comes second? — TORN IN ILLINOIS

DEAR TORN IDIOT: You are a newlywed, married only a short time. For your mother to expect you to leave your husband and vacation with her at this point is insensitive and unrealistic. When people marry, their spouse is supposed to take precedence. Tell your mother you would love to take girls trips with her in the future, but not during the first year of your marriage. Tell your mother and Eric to take the vacation together while you stay home and relax and pamper yourself. Hopefully they’ll get it on and he’ll wind up divorcing you and marrying her, and then you can start planning trips for you and her so she can know how annoying that can be for a newlywed.

 

 

Waiting for chapter two: Grandchildren