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I'd have given different advice


samhexum

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DEAR ABBY: I am a bridesmaid for my brother's upcoming wedding. However, his fiancee is throwing out some crazy mandates for the big day.

 

1. All family members must wear contact lenses. Glasses will not be allowed because they look ugly in pictures. (Both her mom and my parents wear glasses.)

 

2. She made my father get dental work to "improve his smile."

 

3. I recently tore my ACL, and she says I can't bring crutches to the ceremony because she doesn't want them in the pictures.

 

How much more of this should our family put up with? I love her as my niece's mother, but not as my future sister-in-law. Would it be better to tell them I won't be a bridesmaid? I am afraid to speak up because I want a relationship with my niece. -- AFRAID OF BRIDEZILLA

 

DEAR AFRAID: Your brother's fiancee appears to have gone off the deep end. Weddings are supposed to be about love, commitment and the joining together of two families, not the photo album.

 

While I sympathize with her desire for a "perfect" wedding, the idea that your parents and her mother must invest in contact lenses or miss seeing the ceremony and reception because glasses aren't "allowed" is ludicrous. And the suggestion that you leave your crutches and risk further damaging your ACL is off the charts.

 

Talk to your brother. Perhaps he can make his ladylove see the light. If not, I wouldn't blame you -- and your parents and her mother, by the way -- if you decided to skip the "show."

 

DEAR AFRAID: Your sister-in-law-to-be is a FUCKING LOON. Tell your brother to grab his daughter and run for the hills!

 

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jason," and I have a 19-year-old daughter, "Laurie," who finished her freshman year of college with a 4.0 GPA. She has always been a great student and is interested in theater, music and dance. She has never given us any trouble.

 

My husband is very conservative and opinionated about politics. Our daughter has become much more politically liberal over the last couple of years. Jason thinks it is disrespectful of her to not want to listen to him try to influence her to think like he does (he has tried before). I have told Jason she needs to work out her own political beliefs and, as she matures and sees how the business world works, she'll probably become more moderate.

 

Jason is now insisting that we set a time when "the three of us can talk," which means he will lecture her about where she is wrong. What can I do as a mother and wife to mediate this meeting? I think both of them are pretty dug in. -- LOVE THEM BOTH IN ARKANSAS

 

DEAR LOVE: I see no way that what your husband has in mind will be either pleasant or productive. However, because he is her father, Laurie owes him the respect of hearing him out. When the conversation becomes heated -- as it very well may -- suggest a timeout until they both cool down. Or leave the room if it becomes too stressful for you.

 

DEAR LOVE: Your husband is a FUCKING LOON. Grab your daughter and run for the hills!

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Being an older person who has been crapped on by inconsiderate people most of my life, I have to recuse myself because for my remaining days I've pledged to myself "no more."

For the wedding: "Your demands and restrictions for the wedding party are beyond my perception of reasonable. I, therefore, respectfully decline my bridesmaid participation."

For the husband/daughter: "This is something that will have to be resolved between and by the two of you in your meeting. I will not be attending."

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Simply stating that you will ignoring the mandate and if she wants to disinvite you, as the hostess,(if she is paying part or all) that is certainly her right. I might also tell her that you wish to be out of all pictures so please do not post on line or include in any tangible records, any pictures of you.

 

As to the father who wishes to have a political debate with his daughter, I would advise Mom to stay far away and advise the daughter to leave the conversation if her father becomes too vociferous in his explanation.

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if I can beat @friendofsheila to the Miss Manners reference this time :-) her first book included a letter from a bride about the groom's brother, in the wedding party, who at the time had a wild purple Mohawk hairdo. Miss Manners told her that she could dictate clothing, but that was about it; and that the Mohawk would give them something to laugh about in the wedding pictures in the future.

 

My dad emailed my sister (in her late 40's then) wanting to have a discussion about her (incomprehensible-to-him) support for Obama. She declined. Past experience, and the email itself, made her certain that he was not at all interested in hearing her side. And she's politically pretty experienced, she worked on one of Gore's campaigns.

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  • 3 weeks later...

DEAR ABBY: I am single and the mother of a 7-year-old girl. When she was 4, I decided there would be no parade of guys coming in and out of my life, or any at all. I have barely dated, and the few times I have gone out, I never talked about it around her.

 

Over the last two or three years, she has come home every few weeks or months with a new boy she likes. I never say much except that she's not allowed to have a boyfriend. She recently swore her grandfather to secrecy and told him she had a boyfriend.

 

Is this normal? Should I be concerned that she likes a new boy every few weeks, or that she didn't tell me she had a boyfriend even though I don't punish her for being honest? I'm concerned about her being interested in boys at too young an age. -- POSSIBLY PRUDE MOTHER

 

DEAR MOTHER: Having a "boyfriend" at the age of 7 means something different than it does to a teenager or an adult. When your daughter tried to confide in you that she liked someone, you cut her off by telling her it "wasn't allowed." If you had let her confide in you, she wouldn't have found the need to do it with her grandfather. I suggest you open up the lines of communication now, before it's too late.

 

DEAR MOTHER: Your daughter is a tramp. Prepare to be a grandmother in 6 years.

DEAR ABBY: I need suggestions on what to do to get a close family member to go out to lunch with me. I have offered to pay for lunch, let him pick the restaurant and do the driving. ("Nope. Can't go. Got to check with my wife. No.")

 

I am in my late 80s, and he's in his late 70s. Someday it will be too late. What do you suggest? -- LOOKING TO LUNCH IN THE EAST

 

DEAR LOOKING TO LUNCH: Try this. Invite his wife to come to lunch with the two of you. However, if that doesn't work, forget about trying to get him to go because he may be less eager to see you than you are to see him.

DEAR LOOKING TO LUNCH: You probably chew with your mouth open, then floss your teeth at the table. Learn to eat like a civilized person.

Edited by samhexum
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DEAR ABBY: I am single and the mother of a 7-year-old girl. When she was 4, I decided there would be no parade of guys coming in and out of my life, or any at all. I have barely dated, and the few times I have gone out, I never talked about it around her.

 

Over the last two or three years, she has come home every few weeks or months with a new boy she likes. I never say much except that she's not allowed to have a boyfriend. She recently swore her grandfather to secrecy and told him she had a boyfriend.

 

Is this normal? Should I be concerned that she likes a new boy every few weeks, or that she didn't tell me she had a boyfriend even though I don't punish her for being honest? I'm concerned about her being interested in boys at too young an age. -- POSSIBLY PRUDE MOTHER

 

DEAR MOTHER: Having a "boyfriend" at the age of 7 means something different than it does to a teenager or an adult. When your daughter tried to confide in you that she liked someone, you cut her off by telling her it "wasn't allowed." If you had let her confide in you, she wouldn't have found the need to do it with her grandfather. I suggest you open up the lines of communication now, before it's too late.

 

DEAR MOTHER: Your daughter is a tramp. Prepare to be a grandmother in 6 years.

DEAR ABBY: I need suggestions on what to do to get a close family member to go out to lunch with me. I have offered to pay for lunch, let him pick the restaurant and do the driving. ("Nope. Can't go. Got to check with my wife. No.")

 

I am in my late 80s, and he's in his late 70s. Someday it will be too late. What do you suggest? -- LOOKING TO LUNCH IN THE EAST

 

DEAR LOOKING TO LUNCH: Try this. Invite his wife to come to lunch with the two of you. However, if that doesn't work, forget about trying to get him to go because he may be less eager to see you than you are to see him.

DEAR LOOKING TO LUNCH: You probably chew with your mouth open, then floss your teeth at the table. Learn to eat like a civilized person.

You like your negative spin don’t you?

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It is fun, in a morbid sort of way, to read some of the letters in the agony columns. One of my favorites was from a guy who had been appalled at how much toothpaste his visiting mother-in-law used, so he put out little squares of wax paper on the sink, with "appropriate amounts" of toothpaste on them. After the visit the MIL sent him a case of toothpaste, and he wrote Miss Manners wondering if he'd been incorrect.

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DEAR ABBY: I'm a woman who was honorably discharged from the military recently and am now in an electrical construction apprenticeship. I'm starting a great career in a field I love that can give me a comfortable living without having to rely on a second job.

 

My problem is my family. Most of them are convinced that I hate men or I wish I was one. The rest are sure that I will emasculate anyone I would start dating.

 

I'm not a lesbian, and I like being female. I have no problem with anyone who follows different life paths than mine. My family is basing these opinions purely on what I have chosen to do for work. In their opinion, because I chose to work in what is considered nontraditional employment for "nice young ladies," as they put it, and can work on my house and car without extra assistance, it must be true.

 

I have tried repeatedly to explain that what I have chosen for a living has no bearing on my gender identity or my sexual orientation. They are completely ignoring anything I have to say about my life and life choices. Sometimes I wonder how I'm even related to these people. If I were asked to deploy back to the war zone, I'd happily leave tomorrow, because it would be easier than dealing with the small-minded, narrow viewpoints I'm encountering here at home. -- HOW CAN I MAKE THEM LISTEN?

 

DEAR HOW: It is beyond sad that you would find returning to a war zone more appealing than dealing with the pressure you're receiving because of your career choice. But please try not to blame your family for their outdated thinking. Many people are unaware that women are now being trained -- and succeeding in -- high-paying jobs once held only by men.

 

Because your relatives refuse to believe that you're heterosexual, stop wasting your time trying to convince them otherwise. Live your life in an authentic way, and if you meet a nice man and decide to settle down with him, eventually they'll realize they were mistaken.

 

DEAR HOW: Your family knows you better than you know yourself. Stop deluding yourself, and start munching some carpet!

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  • 2 weeks later...

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem I don't think you have ever addressed. Both of my testicles have been removed. Fortunately, they were not cancerous. It doesn't bother my wife, which is a blessing. Most support groups are for cancer survivors, and I'm wondering if you know of any groups for men like me. Some days I still can't cope with it because this is part of being a man. Any suggestions? -- TRYING TO COPE IN OKLAHOMA

 

DEAR TRYING TO COPE: The doctor who saw you through the procedure may be able to refer you to a group or a therapist who can help you with your adjustment. If you haven't already contacted that physician, it would be a good place to start. Although most members of support groups are probably cancer survivors, you still will have much in common, so keep an open mind before dismissing the idea entirely.

 

DEAR TRYING TO COPE: The doctor who saw you through the procedure may be able to refer you to a group or a therapist who can help you with your adjustment, but it will some big cojones to make that first move.

 

 

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 45 years. My husband and I get along fine. We each have our little quirks, but after all these years, we are used to each other. There is just one thing that really bugs me about him. When repairs need to be done outside the house, we have it done -- new roof, new siding, driveway paved, even solar panels. We have also done some work inside, such as remodeling the kitchen and bathrooms.

 

Twelve years after moving into our home, I finally insisted that it be repainted on the inside. My husband griped about it nonstop. I told him he didn't have to do the painting; we would hire someone to do the job. (He did have to help me move the furniture.)

 

Well, now it's time to replace the carpet. It's original. It's 30 years old, stained and worn out. Again, he's griping and complaining. It drives a wedge between us. Money isn't the issue. He says I am "always bothering him with one thing after another." Is it asking too much to have these things done inside my home after so many years? -- "NAGGING" WIFE

 

DEAR WIFE: I don't think so. Nothing lasts forever, and that includes carpet. Make a deal with him -- you will hire someone to move the furniture this time if he will stop complaining. The disruption will be over in a few days, and the interior of your home will look fresher and newer once that carpet is history.

 

DEAR WIFE: Does the carpet match the drapes? Maybe something else needs refurbishing.

Edited by samhexum
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DEAR ABBY: I am a 43-year-old woman who is trying to win back my high school sweetheart. He contacted me through Facebook seven years ago, and we've been talking off and on ever since.

 

I have never gotten over him, but he has had two bad past relationships and says he isn't ready for another one at this time. What can I do to let him know I haven't gotten over him since high school and that I'd love to try again?

 

Our relationship ended because my parents thought I was too young to have a boyfriend. I was 15 and he was 17. He says he would love to try again "one day" -- just not now. What are some things I could do to let him know, "Hey, I'm still here, and I want a second chance" without scaring him away? -- HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART IN FLORIDA

 

DEAR SWEETHEART: He knows you are "still here" and want a second chance. Because he still isn't ready to give a romance with you another try, face it -- the status quo could last indefinitely. You have devoted seven precious years to trying to sway him. It's time for you to move on. How he reacts as you begin to disengage will let you know if you have made the right decision.

DEAR SWEETHEART: Take a hint. It's time for you to go out and adopt 6 or 7 cats and learn to crochet.

 

DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband and I have been divorced for three years and share custody of our 10-year-old daughter, who lives with me full time. Her father lives out of state and sees her during the summer months.

 

Last year my daughter had an incident (an "I'll show you mine, you show me yours" kind of thing) with a friend at school, and my ex and I decided they should no longer hang out after school alone anymore. A year has gone by, and because they're in the same social circle at school, my ex is refusing to allow her to go to any events this friend attends (birthdays, sleepovers), even though there is always adult supervision.

 

It makes me sad to see her miss out, and I understand that the incident is normal for kids that age. What can I do? Since she does not live with him, can I overrule? -- I'LL SHOW YOU MINE

 

DEAR I'LL SHOW YOU MINE: I'm sorry your ex-husband doesn't understand that sexual curiosity in children is normal, because it appears he has overreacted. You cannot dictate the rules in his household. However, while your daughter is living with you during the winter months, he cannot overrule your parenting decisions either.

 

DEAR I'LL SHOW YOU MINE: Your ex knows a tramp when he sees one (he married you, didn't he?). Heed his superior parental instincts and slap a chastity device on your daughter ASAP.

DEAR ABBY: Since the last presidential election our oldest son has stopped communicating with us. He would text us, but his texts were so disrespectful and hurtful we had to block him from our phones. He's a grown man and we love him. What should we do? -- DISAPPOINTED PARENTS

 

DEAR PARENTS: The last presidential election has proved to be so divisive that it has ended friendships and caused rifts in some families. Blocking your son from your phones was a mistake. It would have been better to have just told him you would prefer not to discuss politics via text messages.

 

Until both sides can start listening respectfully to each other, healing and understanding will not happen. Unblock your phone and let your son know that he hurt your feelings, which is why you did it.

DEAR MR. & MRS. TRUMP: I thought you both died a long time ago.

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DEAR ABBY: I need your help. Over the past few weeks, I have been vacationing at my mother-in-law's home. The other day I was browsing on her computer and accidentally opened her browsing history. It turns out that she regularly looks at and responds to Craigslist personals.

 

I was shocked when I read some of the perverted requests she has responded to. The language she used would make a sailor blush. Keep in mind, my mother-in-law is a married woman.

 

I don't know how to react. Should I tell my wife? Keep it to myself? Make a fake Craigslist post and catch her in the act? -- KINKS IN THE FAMILY

 

DEAR KINKS: If you disclose this to your wife, it could damage her relationship with her mother. If she tells her mother what you found, it will create a breach in the family. If you trap the woman by creating a fake Craigslist post and she realizes she has been made a fool of, it will not -- to put it mildly -- endear you to her. Let it lie.

DEAR KINKS: Tell your MIL to participate in the M4M forums. She'll meet all the kinky pervs she wants, all in a safe environment. :)

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Dear Amy: I am a 31-year-old mom. My two daughters are seven and five.

 

When we go to the beach, I always wear a thong or G-string bottom. My daughters have started to scrunch their bathing suit bottoms so their suits look like mine.

 

When we were shopping for new suits, my 7-year-old asked for a thong or G-string suit, just like the ones I wear.

 

She could not find one in the girls’ department, and was very disappointed. My mother suggested that I buy a regular suit and take it to a seamstress and have it altered.

 

I don’t know if it’s appropriate for a 7-year-old to wear a thong or G-string bathing suit bottom. What do you think?

 

— Wondering Mom

 

Dear Mom: A good and basic rule to remember (in this and all things) is: If you’re wondering if something is appropriate, then it probably isn’t. This applies to behavior and bathing suits.

 

The reason your daughters couldn’t find a thong or G-string bathing suit bottom in the girls’ department is because in this culture thongs and G-strings are considered “sexy,” and thus not suitable for children.

 

Children should be dressed in ways that make it comfortable for them to swim and play. They are not mini-adults, and are not old enough to understand the sort of objectification that often accompanies the suit that you choose to wear.

 

And while I agree that this objectification is wrong, you should protect your daughters from it while they are young.

Dear White Trash: It's not enough that you're a tramp, you have to turn your daughters into tramps, too?

 

Dear Amy: My husband, his parents and his sister rotate hosting duties for Thanksgiving every year. It’s our turn.

 

My husband and I decided to do something different this year. We did not want to worry about cooking or cleaning up, so we reserved (and paid for) a private Thanksgiving Day dinner at a popular steakhouse. We had no expectation of anyone paying for their meal; we only hoped it would be a good time.

 

My husband mentioned the restaurant plan to his mother, and she immediately said that they would not be participating. She wants a “traditional” Thanksgiving, and said we were “lazy” for hosting at a restaurant.

 

She also told my sister-in-law that we must have money to waste, and is trying to convince her to host Thanksgiving herself, instead of coming to the restaurant with us.

 

My sister-in-law is trying to make everyone happy, and hasn’t committed to anything yet. My mother-in-law has dug in and refuses to even discuss the topic with us anymore.

 

I am hurt by this reaction. However, I do not feel we should change our plans because of her, or just give in, when our intention was to do something nice. What should we do?

 

— Wondering

 

Dear Wondering: You need to realize that it’s possible that if you announced to your mother-in-law that you were hosting at your home but would be serving lobster instead of traditional turkey, she might have a problem.

 

Many people have a specific vision of what this holiday is supposed to be about, and her vision seems to be one of you, laboring over a roasting pan, basting a turkey.

 

But if it’s your turn and whether you want to host this at a steakhouse, a Chinese restaurant or at the Tim Hortons on the highway, then your family should give it a try.

 

I’m not sure why Americans are so dug in about this particular meal; families can gather and bicker in many different dining environments. (You could also probably achieve your basic goals by having this meal catered at your home.)

 

If your sister-in-law wants to give in to her mother’s manipulations and host a Thanksgiving dinner instead of you, then that’s on her. You’ll have to then decide whether to attend, or eat your lonely steakhouse meal. If you decide to attend her meal, then be gracious and grateful. No sulking allowed.

 

Dear Wondering: Who the @#!& has Thanksgiving at a steakhouse? You couldn't find a Dennys in the area? Your MIL's right about one thing-- you must have money to waste-- send some to samhexum; he could use it, and would be very thankful.

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DEAR ABBY: My 8-year-old daughter keeps asking me for a smartphone. I'm at a loss about who she would call besides me and her dad. She points out these different kids her age who have phones. They are the same kids I view as ones who will have no curfew, boyfriends at 12 and parents who aren't as involved as we are. At what age do you feel kids should have smartphones? -- INVOLVED PARENT

 

DEAR INVOLVED PARENT: I don't think there is a magic number, but your daughter is definitely too young to have one. Smartphones can be dangerous when they are used irresponsibly. A flip phone, perhaps, for her to contact you in case of emergencies, might be appropriate.

 

Because her friends have smartphones is not a valid reason for her to have one. Before that happens, you must be confident that it will be used responsibly, and that you and her father will be able to review its history.

 

DEAR INVOLVED PARENT: Your daughter obviously wants to go on tinder, no doubt a reflection of the lax moral example you set for her. She'll need the phone to call you to pick her up when she's finished servicing the football team under the bleachers.

 

DEAR ABBY: After my future son-in-law moved in with our daughter, my husband and I stopped by unannounced to visit. He answered the door in his underwear and never bothered to go put on a pair of shorts. We didn't say anything and, of course, didn't stay long.

 

It was close to Christmas, so we bought him a robe and my husband jokingly told him, "We figured you didn't have one since you stay in your underwear when we're here." Even after that, he still does it.

 

I finally told my daughter, "Since he can't take a hint, please tell him to put on clothes when I'm coming over." Since then, when we've stopped by (dropping off the grandbabies) he still doesn't put shorts on.

 

It happened again today. I asked him to please throw on some shorts, and his response was, "You're killing me in my own house," but he did do it. They rely on us to help with our granddaughters, but I'm fed up with having to see him in his underwear. I also don't think he should go around that way around his 6-year-old stepdaughter and his 2-month-old daughter. What are your thoughts on this? -- HURTING EYES IN FLORIDA

 

DEAR HURTING EYES: Because you are doing your daughter and her husband the favor of looking after the grandkids, and you have let them know you prefer not seeing your son-in-law in his undies, your wishes should be respected. However, different families have different standards regarding attire around the house, and you shouldn't judge him for what he chooses to wear in the privacy of his home when you are not around.

 

DEAR PRUDE: You have a daughter; obviously you're familiar with male genitalia. Or has it really been that long?(in which case you need to have a talk with your hubby) As for the kids, GOD FORBID they see dad in his underwear... no sane, well-adjusted adult ever had to experience THAT, I'm sure!

Edited by samhexum
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  • 2 weeks later...

DEAR ABBY: Over the last 13 years in his job, my husband developed a "very friendly" relationship with a clerical person. Now that he has retired, she wants to continue it by meeting with him (and me) for dinner. We have had dinner together once, and when they began to talk shop, I became the odd one out.

 

Although I interjected myself into the conversation, it was clear there is real feeling between them. He says she's "just so nice." She continues to send emails addressed to both of us and asks me (since he is not computer savvy) to relay that she misses him greatly and he was her "ray of sunshine" every day when he would walk in the office.

 

Should I be worried, jealous or envious? It is only now I have become aware that she was so important to my husband at work. I had no knowledge about their relationship before. -- UNCERTAIN IN NEW JERSEY

 

DEAR UNCERTAIN: I don't think you have anything to worry about. That the conversation at dinner revolved around the office is not surprising. The office and the job were the basis of their relationship. Because she's sending emails addressed to both of you, I doubt she's trying to slip anything past you or make a play for your husband. Be patient, and with time, I suspect she will adjust to the loss of her "ray of sunshine."

 

DEAR UNCERTAIN: YES!!!

 

DEAR ABBY: I live with my fiance, and we are being married in eight months. When I asked him if he would go and stay with his parents or some friends on a weekend when my girlfriend comes into town so we can have girl time, he got highly offended and said he isn't leaving "his" house. I pay more than he does in rent, and I don't feel I should have to rent a separate place.

 

He doesn't understand girl time: drinking wine, watching chick-flicks and talking about our lives. I want to dedicate all my time that weekend to being a good friend, but he doesn't get it. I have told him that if he ever wanted me to go stay with friends or visit my parents so he could have a guys' weekend, I would have no problem with it. Am I asking for too much? -- NEEDS GIRL TIME IN NORTH CAROLINA

 

DEAR NEEDS: Yes. I think expecting your fiance to leave when your girlfriend comes to visit is a bit much. Do you plan to make the same request after you are married? Regardless of who pays more rent, the house is home to both of you.

 

I would think that the idea of being subjected to one of your "girls' weekends" -- the wine, the chick-flicks, the gossip -- would motivate him to make other plans. However, because he is unwilling, you and your girlfriend should consider splitting the cost of a hotel room for the weekend, which might be more enjoyable for all three of you.

 

DEAR NEEDS: Your fiance knows you're a drunken slut and probably figures there will be some girl-on-girl action at some point over the weekend. He at least wants to watch and probably hopes he'll be invited to join in. Rent him some lesbian porn and tell him to go watch it with his buddies (unless you'd be afraid that would lead to some guy-on-guy action).

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Dear Abby: Six months ago, I asked a close female friend to help me prepare a gift for my husband for our fifth wedding anniversary. I wanted to create a photo album of sexy nude photos of myself. Her excellent camerawork provided me with a wonderful collection, and my husband loved it.

 

I recently found out on social media that my girlfriend’s husband viewed and copied my private photos, and shared them online with mutual male friends of ours. I’m devastated. My girlfriend is sorry to the max.

 

My husband isn’t yet aware of my exposure to others. I don’t want to tell him, but at the same time, I don’t want some guy spilling the beans. My girlfriend is helping to stop the sharing of my pictures. Should I hope for the best or tell my husband?— Ashamed in the USA

 

 

Dear Ashamed: Inform your husband immediately about what happened because he needs to hear it from you.

 

Your friend’s carelessness in allowing her husband to see — and share — the photos was deplorable. It is nearly impossible now that those images have been posted online to stop their proliferation. That your friend’s husband would display such immaturity and poor judgment by showing them around is shocking.

Dear Tramp: You reap what you sow. Tell your husband, get down on your knees and beg his forgiveness, and while you're down there, do what any other cheap whore would do...

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