Thoughts on a respectful email I am contemplating sending to a potential client...

[BoogieNights]

So this isn't my first rodeo and I'm wary, but my gut instincts guide me to be kind towards a gentleman who I'm not totally sure of, but has the potential of being quite stalker-ish. I'm setting up boundaries and he get's one shot to course correct. Maybe he will turn into a great client, but I expect him to continue on his current path, in which case I will then just cut him off.

 

So my question... I haven't sent it yet... Should I send this email or am I just wasting my time? Is he a potential powder-keg or harmless? Did I just waste the past 45 minutes writing it, which ultimately doesn't really hurt me at all? I'd just be going to the gym or reading the news. Isn't it part of good, professional business? Are there other escorts out there that have done this before with a good outcome?

 

Thanks for your thoughts...

 

Alec

 

 

"Good Morning XXXXXXX -

 

We sincerely appreciate the nice email. Very kind and generous gestures indeed, however unnecessary they may be.

 

Please allow me to be blunt, doing so not only out of professionalism and kindness towards you, but also to set boundaries for us. None of what I'm going to write is meant to offend, be mean or hurtful. Just taking the time, considerable time because I want this email to be perfectly and kindly written, to offer some free advice... so take it for just that and do what you will with it. I suspect it might not be the first time you've heard similar overtures.

 

We have been warned by the community about you in regards to your modus-operandi, and to be blunt, the kind yet overly aggressive advances towards escorts you barely know. This is only our second, maybe third communication with you, and you are already offering an very unusual client/escort set-up. It's suspect. We are complete strangers after all. It comes off as a bit stalker-ish which can be scary, and from those themselves immature, might garner harsh reactions that I suspect leave you feeling rejected. It's all so unnecessary and I don't like to see people, whether you, us or another escort get hurt. There is enough pain in life, why create it for others if we don't have to?

 

So my free advice, take it or leave it.... Escorting can be a wonderful thing for both the escort and the client, but only if the two parties are blunt and honest about their intentions towards the other. When you stray from a straight-forward transaction, cloudiness abounds in the waters and leaves both parties unsure of where they stand, well, swim in this metaphor. Example: Your email. It offers multitudes of details and insight into you, who you are, and advances the idea of remuneration in return for long distance communication. I, the escort, could react in a couple ways depending on my maturity level, personality and moral compass. The reactive combinations within these choices are exponential.

 

A: Decide to dance with you. Could be because I am naive and don't have enough experience in life/escorting, or because I have too much experience and decide to play along with either the good intentions of playing it out... or the more sinister approach to take advantage of you as much as possible. I suspect at least one, probably both parties get hurt in the end in one way or another. These dances can be a month long or years long, and can often quite painful, both to the pocketbook, but more importantly to the psyche. Of course there is always the possibility that things work out.... I personally have had a 10 year long, most amazing relationship with a client. I escorted for 9 months when I was younger and hotter, and that's how I met him. He was the only one I kept seeing when I stopped. He has become my best friend, confidant, mentor. He is the biggest mitzvah, blessing in my life, next to my partner of course. He knows everything about me and I am so grateful for him. You could have this too, whether with us or someone else, but I just personally feel your approach is way off and threatening, at least for me.

 

B: Cut you off completely from the beginning, whether kindly or not so kind. A stinging rebuttal indeed, but brief and easy to recover from... that is until you move on to the next young man, which may or may not offer the same response, if a response at all. Years of these responses accumulate into one, and thus feel like a larger lifetime rebuttal which can hurt as much, if not more, than a well danced relationship that didn't work out.

 

C: Somewhere in between, the route I am choosing. I would love to be optimistic yet cautious with regards to our relationship with you. I, We, are escorting because we need help in life, want to EARN our future, build it and become stable members of the community. Escorting is usually very short lived and we want to make the most of it. Most escorts I suspect have a very brief shelf-life. You are hiring us because you want a connection, hopefully with someone you are attracted to. Like most relationships, escorting is about a connection, it's not about sex... it's about two people coming together, in this case a tactile way, to touch each other's souls. Sex is cheap, meaningless and easy... this connection is the evolution of sex into something tangible, honest, real and meaningful. So the possibility of a healthy relationship is there. Let's cultivate it openly and honestly with integrity.

 

If you want two nice young men, us, to spend some time with you, then let's meet in person.

 

1. You can either fly us out to NYC for however long you want, I'd love to show Ryan the city with you by our side. I lived there for 4.5 years and he doesn't yet know the sweet city for all its glory.

2. Come visit us. Everyone needs a vacation. LA is warm, offers a lovely getaway for a few days, and you can visit us, break bread with us, and let us show you our playroom.. that is when you aren't visiting LACMA, Disney Hall, the Griffith Observatory or walking down the beach with Catalina Island your the view.

3. Wait until we find our own way out to NYC, probably when another client brings us out, and we will make every possible effort to enjoy your company.

 

Sans these three options, then there really isn't much we can make happen. We are not interested in a prolonged, electronic long-distance communication. We want a real, in-person connection. If that real connection comes to fruition, then of course a long-distance relationship if part of the equation, just part of being a friend. We don't need nor want your money or gifts XXXXXXX just to talk to you. We offer you our time, the friendship is gratis, and in-turn you offer us some financial help in life so we can save for the new Doggy Daycare business we want to open. I don't know how long it might last.... You may end up not liking us, or us you, just fizzle out, or it could last a lifetime... more than likely somewhere in the middle. No one knows the future. It's that simple and straight-forward.

 

I appreciate you reading my rather long missive. I hope you took it in with an open heart and I trust your reply, if there is one, will be generous, kind and straight-forward in return.

 

Respectfully - "

[bigvalboy]

Pass on this one: You were a bit vague in describing precisely what this client is doing, and without knowing that, it is difficult to assess, however, based on what you have said here, I would not send the email. I sense a genuine concern you have for you and your partners safety, and one has to wonder, that in the end is it worth dealing with someone who is more likely than not to turn into a stalker. Surely in LA there is a large enough client base to choose from, without dealing with someone who is potential trouble, and who dances on the edge of reality. IMHO....good luck guys.

[big-n-tall]

I'm not an escort but I'll throw in my two cents.

 

If a potential client has caused you to write the above email, causing some sort of red flag to go off in your head... follow your instincts. It's really not worth trying to convince someone to act accordingly. Especially one who appears to be overtly aggressive in a way that rubs you the wrong way in some regard. Your email, although aiming to be polite, may just make the client act worse. To add fuel to the fire, as it were, it appears you have been warned by others about this potential client. I would personally cut off contact.

[+ sf westcoaster]

Follow your instinct. Stop all communication and do not send the email.

[+ honcho]

I'm not an escort, and financial challenges have even precluded me from hiring much lately (but I did in the past).

 

I say, if your intuition tells you that you can reach out to this person, and possibly get through and contribute to changing his life without significantly increasing your (collective) current level of risk, and you've invested as much time and psychic energy to write that later as it obviously took, you should.

 

I'm sure you wrote this out of compassion and not out of financial distress ...

 

Thank you for sharing that side of your nature with us.

[Todd99]

I'm a client and a little new to this, but I wouldn't send the email. If you are worried about a client thinking his relationship with you is more than a business transaction, your email actually opens the door to this. I'd suggest you politely decline having any ongoing communication with this person. Better safe than sorry. Good luck.

[AdamSmith]

Agree wholeheartedly with all the above advice. Tempting as it is to imagine that we can reason a nutcase back to sanity, that in itself is to begin participating in his delusion.

[Bosguy]

I am not an escort either and I totally agree with the 4 gentlemen above. Do not send the email. You appear to be 2 very classy guys that many people would love to meet and spend time with. You don't need to take crap from this guy and you shouldn't lower yourselves to his level to be nice guys. Just forget him and move on.

 

Hope to meet you in PS.

 

Boston Bill

[+ Charlie]

I agree with all the advice above. You have essentially described to this person everything that is going on in your own thought processes, apparently quite frankly, which actually puts you at a disadvantage if you fear he may be trying to manipulate you. I would, in very neutral language, simply decline whatever offer he has made.

[+ ArVaGuy]

I concur with the client advice here. Do not send the e-mail. Just look at it as a cathartic exercise and move on. It's likely best to cut contact off as well.

 

You indicate that the alleged client in question is known to your escort colleagues and they have raised the red flags. That being the case, it's even possible that said alleged client may be a lurker on these boards (or active member). Not out of the realm of possibility, so he may have already gotten your message here. Note, this is just speculation on my part but such could be the case.

 

Best not to give the crazy any more fuel by being drawn into his game with a reply. Be cognizant that he may try to contact you under another guise so look out for other too-good-to-be-true offers over the next few months.

[maninsoma]

Another client chiming in to say not to send the email. Just close the door and ignore the guy. If you feel you must send some final communication to him, it shouldn't be much more than, "Sorry, this isn't going to work out between us."

[Steven_Draker]

What are you smoking there in California, guys? (pardon my joke)

 

For the sake of clarity, Alec and Ryan, I couldn't get the problem with this potential client until the 10th and penultimate paragraph of your letter: "We are not interested in a prolonged, electronic long-distance communication"

 

If I were you, I'd make an effort and try to be both more clear and concise.

 

Isn't it part of good, professional business? Are there other escorts out there that have done this before with a good outcome?

[+ nycman]

Cut bait and run

[+ poolboy48220]

I am most in agreement with Steven Draker on this. This is way too long a letter. I'd shorten it to something like "This is moving a bit too fast for us to be comfortable. Let's meet up, either by you coming here or you flying us out there, and see how things click from that point and see if we're all comfortable with going further."

[jawjateck]

Dayum! All I know is I desperately wanna hire you guys. ;-)

 

Otherwise, I agree with the consensus opinion as to your request for feedback.

[+ FreshFluff]

Follow your instinct. Stop all communication and do not send the email.

 

This is the strategy advocated by Gavin de Becker in the Gift of Fear. A response, no matter how negative, is a reward to a stalker.

 

No response is also best if he's merely jerking you around and not going to hire you. You could be spending that time with paying clients or just enjoying yourself on your own.

[Juan Vancouver]

Hey guys,

 

I am very aware that many escorts get into the profession not only for the money and thrills, but also heading a deep calling, a vocation of service. Like in every service oriented profession, helping is a second nature in many of us and we have to keep a vigilant eye on this urge of ours because sometimes it can come bite us in the butt. This is especially the case when we try to help someone who doesn't want to be helped, hasn't asked for our help and isn't ready to receive it.

 

This prospective client seems to be one of those people. He might not even think he needs help learning ways to be a better client or getting fewer rejections. He is just asking for a service that you do not provide... and supposedly in a very aggressive way. You have been warned about him by your peers, you have a bad feeling about it and don't feel comfortable going ahead...

 

Listen to your gut.

 

Always.

 

All horror movies, almost all crimes and most entertainment in the world are possible because people every single time decide to ignore a clear intuition that is begging them to act in a different way. When one does that, one inevitably ends up in trouble.

 

When it comes to trolls and stalkers the best strategy is not to engage in any way. Do not explain, do not fight, do not show any kind of vulnerability or interest. When a stalker or a troll gets nothing from you he will inevitably move on to his next victim. I can see your kind intention of being helpful and possibly creating a new business relationship but I assure you that no business relationship is worth risking your wellness or your partner's.

 

Gently and kindly say that you won't be able to provide what he is looking for and that you sincerely wish he will find someone who will. Then stop communicating. at all. Even if he insists, calls three times a minute or gets all pushy. If you keep ignoring him he will sooner or later get bored and move on.

 

I hope that in the future you guys will be approached by fun, respectful and nice men with whom you will engage in many healthy and fun ways. Guys who value you, respect your privacy, your bond, your wellness and your boundaries. I am sure you will make that kind of man very happy!

[BoogieNights]

Wow.... I am a bit overwhelmed at the immediacy and thoughtfulness everyone has showed. I had no idea this was such a powerful website... less that 6 hours and all the reply posts. Thank you all so very, very much. The consensus is quite clear and Ryan and I are very grateful and will heed the advice.

 

Regards - Alec and Ryan

[BoogieNights]

Now that I reread it... I guess I am super long-winded... Maybe that is why I have such amazing stamina.... hmmmmm..... food for thought... Maybe that's why I always hear "less talk... just go faster" from my bf... Forgive me... I'm blonde... It takes a minute.

[hornytwells]

Don't feel bad about the long-winded one, just don't send it! When I deal with similar (non escort-related) difficult people, I generally write too long an email, sleep on it, send it to a friend and then revise it the next day to that which is concise and non repetitive, having got all the other stuff out of my system. I agree with the above advice!

[Epigonos]

You guys appear rational; most likely your client is not. Any email you send isn't going to change his state of mind. I would suggest that you cease all further communication with the client.

[DeNeufaille]

Pass on this guy, BooBear... the first thought and from the "gut".........yet, for such comment there is much more ya have not shared nor do ya need.

[tom1980]

I definitely agree with the consensus. If you sent this, the guy would feel like he won a major victory by getting you to invest all that time in him. On the other hand, drafting a long message like that can be very cathartic for you as well. I currently have 138 unsent draft emails in my google account. I probably have 5x that number in my work account.

 

Sometimes messages do need to be sent. When I need to get something off my chest, I write an email (usually omitting a name in the "to" field so there is no accidental sending) to the partner, associate, opposing counsel, or client who has failed me in some way, save the draft, and close the message. Then I open a new message, and write an email that is 1/3 the length, objective/unemotional, focused, and clear about what needs to happen in the future. I feel better, and the person getting the email receives the necessary message without a lot of extraneous junk that clouds the issue. If you feel the need to say something to this guy, make it short and sweet.

[+ poolboy48220]

Don't feel bad about the long-winded one, just don't send it! When I deal with similar (non escort-related) difficult people, I generally write too long an email, sleep on it, send it to a friend and then revise it the next day to that which is concise and non repetitive, having got all the other stuff out of my system. I agree with the above advice!

Ann Landers recommended that approach all the time, and I've used it many a time. It's a marvelous way to organize your thoughts and separate what you just need to get straight in your head vs what you need to say to the other person.

 

And just to be sure, I start out addressing the email to myself, rather than the recipient, so if I *do* reflexively hit 'send' at some point, no harm done.

[+ Ace]

Guys;

Take it from someone who has been there......WALK AWAY!

Entering into a dialogue with this person will only escalate into something not good.

REMEMBER: he knows more about you than you know about him.

Move on.