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I appreciate all the posts in this fascinating and important thread. I'm adding my point of view because I don't think anyone has quite represented it...

 

First, I assume that everyone that I have sex with is HIV+. Concerns about HIV were a huge issue to me as I went through my coming out process in the late 80s, and I think I'm pretty paranoid about it. At that time, If I could have turned straight or celibate just to avoid HIV, I probably would have. I'm proud to boast that I've always been extremely vigilant about safe sex practices, and managed to use protection even in the heat of extraordinarily hot and even [extremely] drunken moments.

 

However, even with my 100% track record of safer sex practices, I would avoid sex with an escort (or hookup) that I knew was HIV+ or had a known history of barebacking. Here's why: I think that safer sex requires a diligent commitment from BOTH parties involved. A bottom, for example, might not realize that the condom has broken, and depends on the top to recognize the problem and correct it. If the top is HIV+, and feels they're not at risk of personal harm, can they be trusted to stop the action in the heat of the moment? In my opinion, no. I want to have sex with someone who is just as terrified of HIV as I am. I want us both to have a vital interest in safety, not just a "handshake" agreement that we'll play safe.

 

So, what about the liars and the people who don't know they're positive? Well, yes, that is a risk we all take. There are no 100% guarantees. But, remember, I assume that everyone is HIV+. What I'm really trying to do is screen out is people who are uncommitted to safer sex.

 

Before shooting holes in my attitude about this, please realize that I have some concerns about it, too. I think that my way of thinking does nothing to help HIV stigma and isn't particularly fair to those that are open about their HIV. That makes me sad. I have the upmost respect for escorts who are open about their HIV status, but I'm afraid I wouldn't hire them. Sad. Attitudes like mine discourage escorts from being open about their HIV status. Sad. (For what it's worth, I'm ok with hiring an erotic masseur who is HIV+.)

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Not trying to shoot holes in your attitude (as you've already addressed that when lamenting that your attitude likely contributes to HIV+ stigma). But the glaring hole in your logic is that you've said that you're trying to screen out people who are uncommitted to safer sex practices, while acknowledging that you're willing to have sex with purported "negative" people who either lie or don't know their status. As to people with "a known history of barebacking," then perhaps that logic might hold generally (although not in all cases). However, many responsible positive people will be the most committed to practicing safer sex, and the liars and those who remain ignorant of their status don't exactly strike me as ambassadors for safety and responsibility. Plus, you're willing to trust the potential liars with the handshake agreement to use the condom properly during sex, but you won't trust the person who's upfront about their HIV status? If it makes you feel better, then of course, continue on as you have been, but TBTH, that just isn't a very reliable screening tool.

 

I don't say the above to insult you, and I hope you don't take it that way. But you describe being fearful, terrified even, and I think that's truly sad, as it's making you act irrationally, worry needlessly, and probably miss out on some good connections with some great people, while lowering your guard against some potentially horrible and/or dangerous people. But no matter what, you should still just do whatever you're comfortable with. I hope that one day you're no longer terrified and can more freely enjoy the gift and blessing that is human sexuality.

 

I appreciate all the posts in this fascinating and important thread. I'm adding my point of view because I don't think anyone has quite represented it...

 

First, I assume that everyone that I have sex with is HIV+. Concerns about HIV were a huge issue to me as I went through my coming out process in the late 80s, and I think I'm pretty paranoid about it. At that time, If I could have turned straight or celibate just to avoid HIV, I probably would have. I'm proud to boast that I've always been extremely vigilant about safe sex practices, and managed to use protection even in the heat of extraordinarily hot and even [extremely] drunken moments.

 

However, even with my 100% track record of safer sex practices, I would avoid sex with an escort (or hookup) that I knew was HIV+ or had a known history of barebacking. Here's why: I think that safer sex requires a diligent commitment from BOTH parties involved. A bottom, for example, might not realize that the condom has broken, and depends on the top to recognize the problem and correct it. If the top is HIV+, and feels they're not at risk of personal harm, can they be trusted to stop the action in the heat of the moment? In my opinion, no. I want to have sex with someone who is just as terrified of HIV as I am. I want us both to have a vital interest in safety, not just a "handshake" agreement that we'll play safe.

 

So, what about the liars and the people who don't know they're positive? Well, yes, that is a risk we all take. There are no 100% guarantees. But, remember, I assume that everyone is HIV+. What I'm really trying to do is screen out is people who are uncommitted to safer sex.

 

Before shooting holes in my attitude about this, please realize that I have some concerns about it, too. I think that my way of thinking does nothing to help HIV stigma and isn't particularly fair to those that are open about their HIV. That makes me sad. I have the upmost respect for escorts who are open about their HIV status, but I'm afraid I wouldn't hire them. Sad. Attitudes like mine discourage escorts from being open about their HIV status. Sad. (For what it's worth, I'm ok with hiring an erotic masseur who is HIV+.)

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Thanks, Strafe, for your thoughts. No insult taken.

 

However, many responsible positive people will be the most committed to practicing safer sex,

 

This is the part that I have the most trouble accepting. Ironically, I think I'm more comfortable with the idea of a long-term relationship with someone who is HIV+ than a hookup or escort hire. In the context of a relationship, there is (or should be) a lot more caring and respect, which isn't necessarily the case with a casual hookup.

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Why is there stigma related to HIV and AIDS?

 


  •  
  • HIV/AIDS is a life-threatening disease, and therefore people react to it in strong ways.
  • HIV infection is associated with behaviours (such as homosexuality, drug addiction, prostitution or promiscuity) that are already stigmatised in many societies.
  • Most people become infected with HIV through sex, which often carries moral baggage.
  • There is a lot of inaccurate information about how HIV is transmitted, creating irrational behaviour and misperceptions of personal risk.
  • HIV infection is often thought to be the result of personal irresponsibility.
  • Religious or moral beliefs lead some people to believe that being infected with HIV is the result of moral fault (such as promiscuity or 'deviant sex') that deserves to be punished.
  • The effects of antiretroviral therapy on people’s physical appearance can result in forced disclosure and discrimination based on appearance.

source: http://www.avert.org/hiv-aids-stigma-and-discrimination.htm#sthash.HTtVhvVM.dpuf

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Two questions for everyone:

 

- Would you have protected sex with someone who tells you he's HIV positive? His viral load is undetectable if that matters.

 

- A super hot guy (the man of your dreams) is claiming to be negative. He pushes on barebacking and reassures you that there's no risk. Would you proceed and have unprotected sex with him?

 

You can add me to the list of clients who are conflicted about having sex with someone who is HIV+. If I knew for certain that his viral load was undetectable and he was taking the prescribed dosage of HAART drugs, then I'd like to say that I would be willing to do it. But when I think about the actuality, I think the knowing for certain that he has HIV would prevent me from enjoying the experience and quite possibly prevent me from going through with it. I'd like to say that I treat every escort I hire as though he has HIV, but if that were the case, there would be more limits on the activities I was willing to pursue. For example, I don't think I could bottom for an escort I knew was HIV+ because I'd constantly be worried that the condom would slip or break. I might be able to top since I would be in control of the condom.

 

The answer to the second question is much easier: Nope. I once had an extremely hot escort make this request. I immediately ended the appointment because I knew he did it with tons of other people, and that knowledge would have prevented me from enjoying the appointment.

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You can add me to the list of clients who are conflicted about having sex with someone who is HIV+. If I knew for certain that his viral load was undetectable and he was taking the prescribed dosage of HAART drugs, then I'd like to say that I would be willing to do it. But when I think about the actuality, I think the knowing for certain that he has HIV would prevent me from enjoying the experience and quite possibly prevent me from going through with it. I'd like to say that I treat every escort I hire as though he has HIV, but if that were the case, there would be more limits on the activities I was willing to pursue. For example, I don't think I could bottom for an escort I knew was HIV+ because I'd constantly be worried that the condom would slip or break. I might be able to top since I would be in control of the condom.

 

The answer to the second question is much easier: Nope. I once had an extremely hot escort make this request. I immediately ended the appointment because I knew he did it with tons of other people, and that knowledge would have prevented me from enjoying the appointment.

 

I'm in this boat as well. If I know they are HIV positive, I won't hire them. I didn't live through the horrible AIDS crisis in the 80's. I was too young. My views, however, have been colored by the men who survived it and watched so many of their own friends fade away. When I came out, my parents didn't vilify me, they wept to think that I might suffer from HIV/AIDS like their childhood friends. It's been imprinted in me that safety comes first and nothing is worse the risk, especially something like skin on skin versus a layer of latex.

 

I've never had unprotected sex and I never will even if my future partner and I have been together for decades. All it takes is one indiscretion on either of our part to put both of us at risk. I agree with Strafe that I may be missing out on some things but I do have enjoyable, careful sex. I'm a bottom and I make sure we change condoms with every position and that I'm never sitting there for hours and hours of pounding that weaken the condom. So far, it's been enough. I do ask about the HIV status in my hires and, if they say they are negative, still make sure that we are both willing to take the steps to make it a safe encounter.

 

So after all that, I would say no to both counts of Steven's question. If I knew for sure the individual was positive, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to have an encounter with them, at least not in this stage of my growth as an individual. And as for no.2, I have encountered that situation in escorts and in regular relationships and said no. That won't be an option till the cure is found.

 

Lohengrin

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He's simply stating his opinion, just like you're doing.

Sorry MiamiLooker, he's not stating an opinion, he's seeking a pledge, and never once has he said, "my opinion", plus he's using things like ethical and responsible to describe his exalted position looking down on those who maybe HIV+ and earning a living as an escort.

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Sorry MiamiLooker, he's not stating an opinion, he's seeking a pledge, and never once has he said, "my opinion", plus he's using things like ethical and responsible to describe his exalted position looking down on those who maybe HIV+ and earning a living as an escort.

 

Is there any post in this thread in which the poster doesn’t think his own position is ethical and responsible?

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