i think my teen has been seraching my computer

[+ FreshFluff]

Except that he did sort of ask for our advice.

 

One thing I haven't seen mentioned is that she may just be BEING A TEENAGER. Almost all teenagers go through a phase where they won't talk to one or both parents unless it's absolutely necessary, and then they'll make it very clear they don't much appreciate the intrusion.

 

Don't always assume the worst, folks.

 

That's true, but he has noticed a difference in her behavior over the last 2 weeks. That's a pretty sudden change.

[+ deej]

That's true, but he has noticed a difference in her behavior over the last 2 weeks. That's a pretty sudden change.

 

Yeah, "the change" can happen over night.

 

Note to parents everywhere: your teenagers usually know exactly what's on your computer (and what isn't) long before they ever become teenagers.

 

Don't get me wrong. The worst case scenario is always possible. It's just not the only scenario, and sometimes we assume the worst case when it isn't that at all.

[bostonman]

I wish the original poster could explain more as to why he specifically thinks his daughter has been finding things on his computer. Without more details on that, it does sound like a possible "jumping to conclusions" based more on (understandable) feelings of guilt, etc. Maybe he does have tangible reasons to think she has found something out. But maybe he's just assuming this whole thing must be his doing, and maybe, in fact, she doesn't know anything at all about his private online life.

 

In any case, I wish him well, and hope that this whole things is much less serious than he thinks.

[Guest]

VM may have been 'towing' the line. But for accuracy's sake, it's 'toeing' the line.

 

[+ poolboy48220]

This reminds me of the time I was in my teens, and my mother had made my bed - I was panicked that she had found the Sears Underwear catalog that I'd stashed between the mattress and box spring. Nothing ever came of that.

[Steven_Draker]

I wish the original poster could explain more as to why he specifically thinks his daughter has been finding things on his computer.

 

Well, I doubt we'll hear from 'verymarried' anytime soon. It looks like his profile here has been deactivated.

 

I wish him well too and let's hope for the best.

[+ dupontversDC]

Admit nothing. Deny everything. Issue countercharges.

[Jaker27]

Admit nothing. Deny everything. Issue countercharges.

I agree. Tell the daughter she was just seeing things. If she tells on you just make it sound like she's got issues and some kind of grudge against you. Yeah, that should work..

[jimboivyo]

I agree. Tell the daughter she was just seeing things. If she tells on you just make it sound like she's got issues and some kind of grudge against you. Yeah, that should work..

 

agree. if she keeps going with it, send her to boarding school where she can build up even more resentment

 

immediately start watching NFL games, drinking american beer and buying large amounts of beef jerky. practice metered random grunting.

[Becket]

OOO, a married guy who likes boys. How unusual!!!! The energy we spend trying to hide, or defend, or explain. What a waste of time! Of course one only figures this out later.

[+ Gar1eth]

OOO, a married guy who likes boys. How unusual!!!! The energy we spend trying to hide, or defend, or explain. What a waste of time! Of course one only figures this out later.

 

That's pretty heartless Becket when if the OP's daughter really did find his histories on the computer, it has the potential to destroy his family. The situation with being a closeted gay/bisexual and married is fraught with enough tension as it is. But to possibly have it explode in his face like this is most likely not to anyone's benefit.

 

I'm not married- but I was thinking about someone finding my search trail. My siblings now know about me. But I'd still prefer they don't know about my hobby of hiring. And I recently reacquired a laptop that had been in storage for awhile. I had been using it while around my brother. There was a good chance he would want to see the computer. And many of the current versions of the popular web browsers make it very easy to see where you have been surfing lately.

 

To prevent this- I made an alternate log on on the computer. The web browsers' history caches should in general not show what I am doing on my main log in. So I have at least that small protection in case a family member asks to borrow the computer. I log out of my Master Profile- and they log into the one without a history.

 

Gman

[robberbaron4u]

The water is ankle deep in the grand saloon, and, all life boats are away, a sink or swim situation which calls for a clear head and steady hand. . .

[+ FreshFluff]

That's pretty heartless Becket when if the OP's daughter really did find his histories on the computer, it has the potential to destroy his family. The situation with being a closeted gay/bisexual and married is fraught with enough tension as it is. But to possibly have it explode in his face like this is most likely not to anyone's benefit.

 

I'm not married- but I was thinking about someone finding my search trail. My siblings now know about me. But I'd still prefer they don't know about my hobby of hiring. And I recently reacquired a laptop that had been in storage for awhile. I had been using it while around my brother. There was a good chance he would want to see the computer. And many of the current versions of the popular web browsers make it very easy to see where you have been surfing lately.

 

To prevent this- I made an alternate log on on the computer. The web browsers' history caches should in general not show what I am doing on my main log in. So I have at least that small protection in case a family member asks to borrow the computer. I log out of my Master Profile- and they log into the one without a history.

 

Gman

 

That's smart. What you browse is your own business. If you really want to throw them off, view some harmless sites on the regular profile.

[raife]

Every current popular browser has an "incognito" or private mode that refrains from storing history, cookies or other incriminating info on the computer, and if you want to be really thorough/paranoid, use a VPN so even your Internet service provider can't tell which sites you're visiting.

[wisconsinguy]

I always have my private mode on.

[+ Charlie]

I agree with Gar1eth about not automatically blaming those who are secretive about their sexuality, when they have the kind of crisis that verymarried has described. Nowadays it's easy to forget that most of us over 50 grew up in a time when it was illegal in most places to engage in any kind of gay sex, and it certainly was not respectable to be gay at all. It took favorable circumstances and a commitment to one's own sexual freedom to be open about one's sexuality in even a limited way. Many young men convinced themselves that their attraction to other men was a phase that would pass, or at least something they could control. Even though social attitudes have changed greatly in the country as a whole, gay marriage is still illegal in two-thirds of the states, there are many communities where gays are not socially accepted, and jobs in which it difficult or impossible to be open. For someone who is already entrenched in a marriage, with children, and a career, coming out is no easy task, no matter how psychologically liberating it may feel.

 

One of the closest friends I made through this site was a man who knew he was attracted to other men when he was young, but he lived in a small town where his family was prominent and where he expected to spend his life. Right after he graduated from college, he married a woman he loved, settled down in the town, had three children, and he and his wife both had satisfying careers in town. He discovered this site when he was 60, and while travelling on business, he hired an escort from this site, for his first sex with anyone other than his wife. Luckily, the escort was kind and supportive, so he hired him on a few more occasions when he was travelling alone. The last time he had a note from the escort, which he shoved in his coat pocket and forgot, and when he got home, his wife collected his clothes to take to the cleaner, and found the note. And thus he was involuntarily outed, like verymarried.

 

The outcome of the story was bittersweet. He was relieved and "liberated," in a sense, to be able to finally admit his desires, and he and his wife reached an amicable divorce settlement. But he had to leave the small town where everyone knew him, two of his grown children accepted his new status, but the youngest was very upset and non-accepting. Many of the couple's friends in town blamed him for the divorce and cut off relations with him. He moved far away, to a place where he could be openly gay, but he could not find the fulfillment he longer for, because he wanted a partner, not just sex with men, and the men he was attracted to were not interested in a relationship with him. A year after his divorce, he admitted to me that he wished he were still living with his wife and family, whose companionship he missed very much, because except for the sex, the "straight" life he had lived was the one he really wanted. If he were graduating from college today, he would probably be able to be open about his sexual interests, and might even marry a man that he loved and settle in that same small town with him.

 

Although verymarried may not return to this site, let's be gentle to him and wish him well.

[leigh.bess.toad]

I obviously have a very different perspective than almost all of you. I've been verymarried. I know exactly what he is going through. Scared that your spouse, your son (in my case) will see your browser history, come downstairs at the wrong instance and see what you are looking at on line. Perhaps you will fall asleep at the computer when you shouldn't. To say this thread has stirred tremendous emotions and memories in me would be the massive understatement of the decade. The last 3 years of my life have come poring into my memory. Three years ago. Three years ago today when I came out to my wife. And I am so terribly conflicted as to what I would say to him. It isn't simple, it isn't glib. I don't know the specifics of his situation, which would dictate a lot of what I would tell him.

 

Part of me wants to tell him to do exactly what Chris says. I've seen friends here who have come out after me from their marriages. And things have not gone well. To put it mildly. Deny it, destroy the evidence, whatever you have to do.

 

But then I know what my life has been like. And I know I am the anomaly. I know my wife being hurt but accepting that I am a gay man is unusual. But for me, I know what it has been like to life live in authenticity. To be able to proudly say I am a gay man. To be able to live as a gay man, love as a gay man. The ability to find the love of my life. None of that, none of the happiness and peace that I have found in the last three years would have been possible if I had followed Chris' advice. Which was the advice of several of my escorts which I was contemplating coming out. Others advised following the path I did. So I know it isn't easy.

 

I don't know if verymarried will see this or if he will ever return. I wish him well, no matter what. But if he does, and wants to talk to someone who has been exactly where he has been, someone who can see both sides of the fence, feel free to contact me.

 

And I know I'll be thinking of him, and reliving the events of my life 3 years ago this weekend. Just like it was yesterday.

[+ Chris Eisenhower]

I obviously have a very different perspective than almost all of you. I've been verymarried. I know exactly what he is going through. Scared that your spouse, your son (in my case) will see your browser history, come downstairs at the wrong instance and see what you are looking at on line. Perhaps you will fall asleep at the computer when you shouldn't. To say this thread has stirred tremendous emotions and memories in me would be the massive understatement of the decade. The last 3 years of my life have come poring into my memory. Three years ago. Three years ago today when I came out to my wife. And I am so terribly conflicted as to what I would say to him. It isn't simple, it isn't glib. I don't know the specifics of his situation, which would dictate a lot of what I would tell him.

 

Part of me wants to tell him to do exactly what Chris says. I've seen friends here who have come out after me from their marriages. And things have not gone well. To put it mildly. Deny it, destroy the evidence, whatever you have to do.

 

But then I know what my life has been like. And I know I am the anomaly. I know my wife being hurt but accepting that I am a gay man is unusual. But for me, I know what it has been like to life live in authenticity. To be able to proudly say I am a gay man. To be able to live as a gay man, love as a gay man. The ability to find the love of my life. None of that, none of the happiness and peace that I have found in the last three years would have been possible if I had followed Chris' advice. Which was the advice of several of my escorts which I was contemplating coming out. Others advised following the path I did. So I know it isn't easy.

 

I don't know if verymarried will see this or if he will ever return. I wish him well, no matter what. But if he does, and wants to talk to someone who has been exactly where he has been, someone who can see both sides of the fence, feel free to contact me.

 

And I know I'll be thinking of him, and reliving the events of my life 3 years ago this weekend. Just like it was yesterday.

 

LBT's comment makes me feel the need to clarify what I posted earlier. It's not my intention to be glib or clever or to post some simplistic solution to VM's problem (the hypothetical problem, since it's unclear what's actually happened here). I think someone in VM's situation needs to have time to figure out what the best course of action is, and to not have something forced upon him that he may later regret. I don't normally advocate lying or deception, but this is an unusual situation that could have permanent and severe consequences. We still live in a world where escorting carries a huge stigma, and combining that with coming out, infidelity and a marriage with children, and it's probably going to be a pretty ugly situations. I hope VM is able to work through this and come to a positive solution. Everyone is different and it's always a possibility. It's also important to realize that LBT's situation has a significant difference in that coming out is not the same thing as having one's child catch you using gay escort sites.

[leigh.bess.toad]

LBT's comment makes me feel the need to clarify what I posted earlier. It's not my intention to be glib or clever or to post some simplistic solution to VM's problem (the hypothetical problem, since it's unclear what's actually happened here). I think someone in VM's situation needs to have time to figure out what the best course of action is, and to not have something forced upon him that he may later regret. I don't normally advocate lying or deception, but this is an unusual situation that could have permanent and severe consequences. We still live in a world where escorting carries a huge stigma, and combining that with coming out, infidelity and a marriage with children, and it's probably going to be a pretty ugly situations. I hope VM is able to work through this and come to a positive solution. Everyone is different and it's always a possibility. It's also important to realize that LBT's situation has a significant difference in that coming out is not the same thing as having one's child catch you using gay escort sites.

 

I don't think you were being glib in the least bit Chris. And it may be the best solution for verymarried. And I am in a bit of an emotional spot today anyway, remembering the last 3 years, remembering coming out to my wife. Knowing how much verrymarried's situation was my situation. But I don't think your answer was glib in any way at all. And it may have been the only practical solution available.

[Guest Starbuck]

It's not my intention to be glib or clever or to post some simplistic solution to VM's problem (the hypothetical problem, since it's unclear what's actually happened here). I think someone in VM's situation needs to have time to figure out what the best course of action is, and to not have something forced upon him that he may later regret. I don't normally advocate lying or deception, but this is an unusual situation that could have permanent and severe consequences. We still live in a world where escorting carries a huge stigma, and combining that with coming out, infidelity and a marriage with children, and it's probably going to be a pretty ugly situation. I hope VM is able to work through this and come to a positive solution.

 

Thoughtful and well-stated, Chris! Most of us have a measure of complexity to our lives and problems that defy simple solutions. Yet there is a tendency to think that getting a whole bunch of TRUTH out on the table makes things better. Well, not always. As VM seemed poignantly aware of in his post, there are others to think about beside himself. Whether the man is gay or bi or whatever does NOT necessarily mean he wants to leave his wife, hurt his family or trade in his current life for a new one. If anything, it seems pretty clear that when he wrote that post he wanted nothing more than to preserve the status quo of his life. I wouldn't assume that he regards that life as fake or inauthentic or a lie. I assume he regards it as HIS, warts and all, complex and contradictory and--right now--mighty difficult.

[+ Chris Eisenhower]

Thoughtful and well-stated, Chris! Most of us have a measure of complexity to our lives and problems that defy simple solutions. Yet there is a tendency to think that getting a whole bunch of TRUTH out on the table makes things better. Well, not always. As VM seemed poignantly aware of in his post, there are others to think about beside himself. Whether the man is gay or bi or whatever does NOT necessarily mean he wants to leave his wife, hurt his family or trade in his current life for a new one. If anything, it seems pretty clear that when he wrote that post he wanted nothing more than to preserve the status quo of his life. I wouldn't assume that he regards that life as fake or inauthentic or a lie. I assume he regards it as HIS, warts and all, complex and contradictory and--right now--mighty difficult.

 

I don't know about the rest of you, but it's one of those posts here I can't get out of my head. I wish VM would let us know what has happened, and that somehow we could reassure him that everything will be okay. I feel bad for him.

[+ purplekow]

VM seems to have left the building. i can remember as a teen, masturbating and feeling it was dirty. it made me feel good and then ashamed. I would promise myself that I would not do it again, but the next erection spoke louder than any promise I made. I think eventually, VM will surface again either here or at a similar site. At some point he will need to deal with his shame and fear. That does not necessarily mean admitting his preferences to others, only admitting to himself that this is what he likes and that it is alright to like it. I wish him well but mostly I wish him the courage to see himself as he is without shame or fear.

[leigh.bess.toad]

I wish him well but mostly I wish him the courage to see himself as he is without shame or fear.

 

And that is the hardest thing in the world to do. At least it was for me.

[Guest countryboywny]

I'll just say that my heart goes out to VM.

[doitb4ugo]

I wish VM what it is that he wants for himself whatever that means to him. I would counsel him to seek the help of a therapist to discover what that is and gain comfort from the knowing.