i think my teen has been seraching my computer

[Guest verymarried]

My teen daughter has not spoken to me for two weeks. She has taken special care not to cross my path or to look at me. My wife and I have been trying to figure out why this occurred. I had a minor argument with her before this began but nothing major. I have just this moment come to the realization that she has been on my computer and has tracked my internet searches which lead to sites such as this. She is probably trying to figure out whether to tell her mother what she has found and is probably extremely shocked. I am writing this here because I have no one else to tell. I am very sad about this and of course only have myself to blame. This is a good lesson to those of you who are living untruthful lives. No need to respond to this as I am signing off for good.

[+ purplekow]

Either the horse is out of the barn, so there is no need to sign off for good, or there is another reason your daughter is annoyed with you. It is likely time to talk with your daughter and find out which. I think that conversation should probably center around personal privacy rather than anything she may have found. I would not deny looking at the sights to her, only tell her that she has invaded your privacy. If she has found these sights, i would also tell your wife that your daughter has been spying on your computer searches, that she found porn, including gay porn.

[wisconsinguy]

I am one of many I am sure, whose horse is always trying to kick his way of the the barn. Simple, yet wise advice purplelow. Perhaps I'll keep it in my back pocket to use someday.

[Guest boiworship08]

God, I'm so glad I'm not married to a woman. The precautions one has to make!

[Steven_Draker]

There are several ways to prevent someone else looking/spying into your computer and your favorite sites (sic!) and especially if it's a computer you share or might be checked by a third party.

[Phlmuscle]

You may be building bridges here. Check your history first, and see if she went to sights that you don't go to, and maybe she shouldn't either. If she has, hit her head on and ask her why she went on your computer without permission. You have the upper hand here not your daughter. Maybe she needs to know who is the boss. See where the conversation goes. If she brings up sites that you visited, say you were checking something out that the guys at work were talking about. It's that simple. Don't admit to anything, things would only get worse.

[jimboivyo]

I think if you were smart and wanted to keep this charade going, you would sign off of here, clean up your act and play dumb

 

If you were wanting to find the right time to come clean, now would also be the time. The situation isn't going to get any better in the future

[Jaker27]

Either the horse is out of the barn, so there is no need to sign off for good, or there is another reason your daughter is annoyed with you. It is likely time to talk with your daughter and find out which. I think that conversation should probably center around personal privacy rather than anything she may have found. I would not deny looking at the sights to her, only tell her that she has invaded your privacy. If she has found these sights, i would also tell your wife that your daughter has been spying on your computer searches, that she found porn, including gay porn.

You make it sound so easy. Yeah, that will be a real "cat out of the bag" conversation.

 

Me and my siblings used to go through Mom and Dads porn stuff all the time when they were away. When you have kids you really don't have much privacy. Kids are just naturally very curious. Mom eventually got locks for everything.

[+ purplekow]

I do not think this is easy to do, but it is not getting any easier as you wait. Good luck one way or the other.

[+ azdr0710]

don't know if vm will see any of our replies as he said he's signing off for good as of ten hours ago....he and I had a couple quick PMs and he sounds like a good guy who may be facing some life-changing events starting now....if he does see these replies, I hope he is honest with the family and doesn't hide anything....there's no other way to be at this point, though it may mean tough times ahead for all concerned and lots of adjustments and concessions.....going to be a long process, maybe....

 

or it may turn out like one poster I know who is happily married with kids and the entire family knows and all is generally well.....

 

everybody has a story....

[Guest Starbuck]

This is a good lesson to those of you who are living untruthful lives.

 

I wish you well, vm, and hope this turns out to be less than the crisis you are imagining. If you check in again, I know you'll find guys here willing to be sympathetic and supportive of you. Certainly you're not the only one here whose life is ... complicated. I'd have a hard time jumping on the advice bandwagon (which isn't what you asked for, anyway) since I don't know what you want or presume to have an opinion of what you should want.

 

The comment I quoted is the one from your post that really caught my eye. If I read it right, you wrote it in a moment of great regret at not "towing the line" of being a married man, a family man. Trouble is, vm, the truth is complicated too. You already know this. Despite being husbands and fathers, even if we've put "the gay thing" in a box on a shelf in a dark closet for a long time, that's still true too.

[+ FreshFluff]

I'm sorry to heart that, VM. I wish you the best.

 

I can't imagine going into my dad's computer. I'd probably find porn if I did, but who cares? And I'm glad my dad doesn't go into my stuff when I'm back home for vacation.

[instudiocity]

If I read it right, you wrote it in a moment of great regret at not "towing the line" of being a married man, a family man.

VM may have been 'towing' the line. But for accuracy's sake, it's 'toeing' the line.

 

As to VM, and the rest of us, if it's a secret, you should have a way of using your computer in a privacy, do not track, alternate user mode, so that your voyeurism isn't detectable in the normal mainstream of your computer use. You can easily create another user on your computer or use the Privacy mode in your browser so that your trips through cyberspace's sex related sites(!) are not traceable back to your browser or your main user identity.

 

If you don't know how to do this, find out! I'm good for Mac OS X and iOS devices. Others here can tell you how to do it on Winders and Android devices.

 

But for your sanity's sake, learn how to browse privately, with privacy, undetectably.

[Guest Starbuck]

... for accuracy's sake, it's 'toeing' the line.

 

Well THAT's embarrassing ... and surely not the last time I'll have mental brown-out while posting here ... I believe my last one was "disfunction" instead of "dysfunction." But worse than the sloppy typos, and back to the point, it's just as easy to get sloppy about online privacy, so thumbs up (toes too) to instudiocity's well-made point about getting smart about browsing privately.

[+ Chris Eisenhower]

The best defense is a good offense. Make the computer disappear—tomorrow—and loudly complain about that "goddamn virus those assholes from work" sent in an email. Destroy the hard drive and say the guys at Best Buy told you to to prevent identity theft. If the daughter says anything, turn the suggestion that one of her friends used your computer to look at porn and use that as justification to put a 37-digit password on it.

 

New computers are much cheaper than a divorce. Good luck.

[+ azdr0710]

though I'm sure VM is a very good guy and a great family man, I think it's too late to lie about this....VM seems to be sure (not just suspecting) his daughter has discovered what he's been looking at....

 

"I have just this moment come to the realization that she has been on my computer and has tracked my internet searches which lead to sites such as this."

 

he and his family need to face the truth and work through it as best they can....I hope it can be handled in a mature way by all with civil discussion and forward-looking plans....

 

again, I don't know if VM is seeing these replies since he said he's signing off for good as of 17 hours ago.....

[instudiocity]

Well THAT's embarrassing ... and surely not the last time I'll have mental brown-out while posting here ... I believe my last one was "disfunction" instead of "dysfunction." But worse than the sloppy typos, and back to the point, it's just as easy to get sloppy about online privacy, so thumbs up (toes too) to instudiocity's well-made point about getting smart about browsing privately.

My intent wasn't to embarrass you. I got a chuckle from the concept of "towing" the straight 'line' about as a closeted gay man. Just hit my humorous bone.

[instudiocity]

The best defense is a good offense. Make the computer disappear—tomorrow—and loudly complain about that "goddamn virus those assholes from work" sent in an email. Destroy the hard drive and say the guys at Best Buy told you to to prevent identity theft. If the daughter says anything, turn the suggestion that one of her friends used your computer to look at porn and use that as justification to put a 37-digit password on it.

 

New computers are much cheaper than a divorce. Good luck.

DAMN! You think as fine as your ass looks!!!

[Steven_Draker]

VM seems to be sure (not just suspecting) his daughter has discovered what he's been looking at....

 

He was speculating. Until he reestablishes communication with his daughter and understands what is this about, he doesn't need our advice.

[+ FreshFluff]

though I'm sure VM is a very good guy and a great family man, I think it's too late to lie about this....VM seems to be sure (not just suspecting) his daughter has discovered what he's been looking at....

 

"I have just this moment come to the realization that she has been on my computer and has tracked my internet searches which lead to sites such as this."

 

he and his family need to face the truth and work through it as best they can....I hope it can be handled in a mature way by all with civil discussion and forward-looking plans....

 

My guess is that she suspected that VM was looking at gay porn or meeting with guys. What teenage girl goes into her dad's computer just to check whether they prefer HotTeenGirlsSuckingLollipops.com or FuckYeahBustyBlondes.com? Something must have tipped her off.

[Boink]

"I have just this moment come to the realization that she has been on my computer and has tracked my internet searches which lead to sites such as this."

 

I have a dumb question - how can someone tell when another person has been 'tracking their internet searches'? Is it a 'History' thing? Otherwise I assume the only way to tell is if she actually entered into the questionable sites and then that activity showed up in the history.

[+ FreshFluff]

Has VM ever mentioned whether he's gay or bi? His wife will be shocked and pissed off either way, but many women can tolerate bisexuality better. (Of course, that's if he only admits to the porn, not the other stuff.)

[+ deej]

He was speculating. Until he reestablishes communication with his daughter and understands what is this about, he doesn't need our advice.

 

Except that he did sort of ask for our advice.

 

One thing I haven't seen mentioned is that she may just be BEING A TEENAGER. Almost all teenagers go through a phase where they won't talk to one or both parents unless it's absolutely necessary, and then they'll make it very clear they don't much appreciate the intrusion.

 

Don't always assume the worst, folks.

[+ Chris Eisenhower]

Except that he did sort of ask for our advice.

 

One thing I haven't seen mentioned is that she may just be BEING A TEENAGER. Almost all teenagers go through a phase where they won't talk to one or both parents unless it's absolutely necessary, and then they'll make it very clear they don't much appreciate the intrusion.

 

Don't always assume the worst, folks.

 

I agree with several points here. Mr. Draker and others are right about speculation. Something similar to what VM is going through right now happened to me once, and I almost jumped the gun thinking I was going to have to do some major damage control. I waited, and I'm very, very glad I did. Also, many of the lurkers and participants on the board offer up life stories, anecdotes and so forth because they want to be helpful. After all, didn't VM do exactly that as what hopefully isn't a parting shot? This is an unusual sort of situation, where waiting around could be good, or it could be bad. Really bad. We don't know the particulars of VM's situation, and IMHO no one has really offered up truly bad advice, because the situation could turn out in a myriad of ways. Personally, I'd dump a glass of OJ into the computer while the wife was at work, as a stopgap measure if nothing else. If the daughter knows, this might give VM some time to come up with a plausible solution. If she doesn't know, then it's an expensive, but necessary wake-up call to take steps to prevent something like this from ever happening again.

[wisconsinguy]

Without boring most of you with a life story, here are my quick facts. I continue to live what most of you consider a lie. According to Legendary Dave's "test" I test out as bi. Writing today, I know on my scale, I am way more gay. I hide the facts about the "real" me quite well. This includes many items on my computer and mobile that if found out by my family, would certainly be the out time for me. I disagree with Chris. Making up a further detailed lie about the computer stuff could only lead to even further anxiety and more lies. I often play out in my mind about what I would say if "outed" by my family. I honestly believe that I would fess up. It often has a feeling of relief when I think about it. I also am very married, and if VM joins again, I would be happy to share. We could probably help each other. P.S. I used to post with a different name, computer stuff you know! (Former: "Healthguy").