The Passengers’ Airplane Behavior Bill of Rights

[Steven_Draker]

How not to behave on an airplane: a passengers’ bill of rights

 

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* airplane cloud

 

Article I: The right to remove shoes

Passengers shall be allowed to remove shoes from their feet, but only if the aforementioned feet don’t stink or present health risks to other passengers. The right of the passenger to go to the lavatory without shoes shall not be infringed, as it is really your own business should you want to stand in the urine of others.

 

Article II: Freedom from unreasonable aromatic assault

No passenger shall, in the time of flight, be subjected to unreasonable aromas, be it from powerful perfume, foods redolent of onion, or other fragrance wholly unnecessary whilst on an airplane.

 

Article III: The right to reasonable light

All passengers shall be allowed the right to use their own overhead light to read when the cabin lights are turned off, as that is its intended use. No passenger shall be unwillingly bothered by the thoughtless opening of window shades during this period; window seat passengers are not delegated the power to blind their fellow passengers.

 

Article IV: The article of reclension

A well-justified act of reclining one’s seat shall not be prohibited at all times, apart from meal time and other times specified by the flight crew. All instances of reclension shall be preceded by a rearward glance so as not to unwittingly crush the patellas or portable electronic devices of the affected passenger.

 

Article V: Freedom of no speech

There shall be no requirement for other passengers to listen to you drone on about your child, cat or other subject not directly germane to an immediate inflight emergency situation. The right of other passengers to give you the ‘book-off’ shall not be infringed, nor shall you assist with the answer to 14-across if unprompted.

 

Article VI: The right to bear armrests

In all cases where an armrest is shared by two adjacent passengers, both parties must respect the right of the other to keep the armrest down. Passengers relegated to a middle seat shall be afforded special status, and aisle and window passengers shall endeavour to accommodate.

 

Article VII: Conditions of passenger quarters

Passengers shall not be subject to the rubbish of others crammed thoughtlessly into seat-back pockets, or tossed onto the floor in a cavalier fashion. Chewing gum shall not be pressed to any surface affixed to an aircraft.

 

Article VIII: The right to heed the call of nature

A well-organised attempt to use the lavatory, being necessary for inflight calm and gastrointestinal health, shall not be impeded by aisle passengers sleeping or otherwise. The rights of others waiting to use a lavatory shall supersede the frankly ill-advised wishes of current lavatory users to waste time poking around said lavatory.

 

Article IX: Provisions concerning use of electronic devices

The assurance of safety shall not be infringed by the desires of others to make one last phone call, update their social network status to brag about their impending holiday, or to plant cauliflower in their virtual farm. Whilst MythBusters and others have debunked most potential dangers of using common electronic devices on planes, safety and calm shall take precedence.

 

Article X: Cruel and unnecessary aisle clogging

No passenger shall, in the time of disembarking, hastily grab their bag and congest the exit route before actual movement is possible. Likewise, when it comes time to exit, no passenger shall unaccountably act surprised that it is their turn to leave.

 

Article XI: Freedom from feral children

The right of passengers not to be kicked in the back, have their hair pulled, be presented with unasked-for mucous-moistened objects, or be otherwise assaulted by feral children shall not be infringed. Crying babies cannot be held accountable for their actions, and are therefore exempt.

 

Article XII: The right of reasonable alcohol consumption

No person, apart from those who are drunk and obnoxious or minors, shall be prohibited from imbibing an alcoholic beverage should they feel that it is a good idea, despite all indications to the contrary.

 

Article XIII: The right to private media

Reading over others’ shoulders shall not be inflicted, unless achieved in a particularly stealthy fashion causing no annoyance to the book holder. The same shall be true for films and other non-private media.

 

Read more: http://www.lonelyplanet.com/blog/2011/07/13/how-not-to-behave-on-an-airplane-a-passengers-bill-of-rights/#ixzz2i4xbY6Uy

[Steven_Draker]

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[tanman4u]

I use to work for a guy who commuted from Miami to London on an almost weekly basis, always in First. If he wound up seated next to someone who started chatting with him we would tell them he sold life insurance which almost always served to get them to shut up.........until he told someone that on a flight and the guy said "Really? I'm the President of Prudential........" He confessed and the Prudential guy thought it was hilarious.

[+ Chris Eisenhower]

I've had a number of interesting conversations with people, the best being with an Olympic athlete.

[adriano46]

Laughed at these incidents.

 

Hate people who decide to play chatty Kathy/Matty on a plane - bore me to death. I usually put in earplugs and hope they get a hint; if not, I read a novel in some language they do not know (OK I am multilingual) and if they ask a question I turn to them in Russian and say, "I have no idea what you are asking,." (in Russian, of course)

 

On odors; once had a female passenger next to me who fell asleep with her left leg up on the middle seat (she had the window), ad in the middle of the night let loose with a LOUD, WET, SWAMP-FUMES-FROM-HELL fart that awoke everyone around me. It was gagging!!!!! First people looked at me, but I pointed (with fingers pressed on my nose) to her gaping rump under the blanket.

[+ FreshFluff]

Article X: Cruel and unnecessary aisle clogging

No passenger shall, in the time of disembarking, hastily grab their bag and congest the exit route before actual movement is possible. Likewise, when it comes time to exit, no passenger shall unaccountably act surprised that it is their turn to leave.

 

I see it exactly the opposite way. I find it annoying that people take up a spot in line and then get their item out in a leisurely fashion only when all others in front of them are gone. This holds up everyone else.

 

I think the right way to do it is to get one's items out while the doors are still closed so that you're ready to move (and not holding up others) when you're at the head of the line.

 

Article IX: Provisions concerning use of electronic devices

The assurance of safety shall not be infringed by the desires of others to make one last phone call, update their social network status to brag about their impending holiday, or to plant cauliflower in their virtual farm.

 

Hey, I need to plant my cauliflower before the flight so that it's ready to harvest when we land!

[+ FreshFluff]

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8. Advise the passenger on other possible elective surgeries he might try.

 

20. "Please control your children." People never hesitated to do this when my sister was a baby and I was sitting next to hear.