Friday Funnies

[mike carey]

An own goal by the mother, you could say.

 

[KrisParr]

It’s almost Friday. True story:

 

So I get an email this morning that an order from my mail order pharmacy, scheduled for delivery today (and requires a signature), would be delayed until tomorrow. That’s a problem since I’m going to be out of town. A few minutes later, I get a phone call (recorded message) with the same information, but if I want to reschedule, simply call this 800 number and they will be glad to deliver at a more convenient time. Cool. I call the number.

Hello (computer voice) ... and the usual half dozen prompts to be sure it’s me. Finally, “how can I help you?”

Reschedule delivery.

No problem.

Then a litany of my last 3 orders ... a plea for me to enroll in a medication packaging plan, and eventually it takes me to the main menu.

I repeated, “reschedule delivery”

“She” replied, would you like to hear your order history?

Fuck no. Customer service.

Do you mean, “representative?”

Sure.

Human comes on the line. I explain the whole situation. He tells me to call UPS.

But YOU called ME with YOUR fucking phone number! Why didn’t you TELL me to call UPS in the first place?

No response from human.

So I ask, can you give me the number for UPS?

I’m placed on hold, and eventually get the number.

===

Thank you for calling UPS (computer)

Please enter a bunch of digits from your tracking number.

Okay.

“Your package is on the truck scheduled for delivery by 8 pm today”

Wha??

Would you like to reschedule?

Uh, hell, I don’t know.

Just a reminder- your package requires a signature.

Whatever.

=======

5pm - doorbell rings - my package, which supposedly requires a signature is on the doormat and the UPS driver is headed down the street and sort of waves.

=======

Ah, technology. Ain’t it swell?

[+ poolboy48220]

I really hate the automated systems that make it so difficult to get to a real person. I patronized Wal-Mart for a time, because despite all their other issues, they had a real person answer the phone on the first try. I don't know if they still do.

[gallahadesquire]

Yesterday, I tried to make an appointment for a medical procedure.

 

I was on hold for AN HOUR AND TEN MINUTES, and then it went to voice mail.

 

I left a message and got a return call in five minutes.

[mike carey]

I actually have no idea about this, but I'll take her word for it, and it is something to allow you to have a bit of a laugh should you hear someone pontificating about 'cocaine-fuelled sex parties', or as Dan Savage quipped in retweeting this, perhaps they should have said 'cocaine-foiled sex parties'!

(I like the little droopy symbol.)

[mike carey]

[mike carey]

I've rewatched this every time it appears in my feed, and laugh every time.

https://twitter.com/JonDeeOz/status/1395945994320105476?shttps://twitter.com/JonDeeOz/status/1395945994320105476?s=20

Edited May 23, 2021 by mike carey

[mike carey]

Ok, so this isn't ROFLMAO style funny, more like smirk-worthy. QR codes are pretty much universal here and no one seems to baulk at using them (except for the one person who tweeted that their mother had been photographing them rather than scan them).

Naomi Wolf complains that having to scan a QR code to enter her NYC hotel's rooftop bar makes NYC 'actual hell'. Predictably the thread under Dr Wolf's tweet contained a mixture of agreement and ridicule, but I liked this retweeted take from a student at my alma mater.

https://twitter.com/SavvyBeeBen/status/1397491901289275397?s=20

Edited May 26, 2021 by mike carey

[+ Lucky]

On 8/27/2010 at 9:20 AM, jackhammer91406 said:

With the recent path my life has taken, I have found it helpful to try to focus on upbeat things, especially humor (a relative term to be sure). Some of my close friends have taken to sending me jokes. I thought you might like to see a few.

If there is interest perhaps I will post some more along the way.

You might have a joke that would make me laugh out loud, so feel free to add it to the thread.

 

Here are few for today:

 

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

 

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

 

And then....

 

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

 

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

 

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

 

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

 

Finally........

 

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

 

Today is Friday, and the Friday Funnies continue, even if the posts don't go up on Fridays. Jackhammer was a friend of mine and a valuable contributor here. Let's not forget that he gave us this thread. RIP

[wsc]

7 hours ago, Lucky said:

Today is Friday, and the Friday Funnies continue, even if the posts don't go up on Fridays. Jackhammer was a friend of mine and a valuable contributor here. Let's not forget that he gave us this thread. RIP

Here, here! Jackhammer was a fine man who left us a wonderful legacy in this thread.

To continue the tradition:

 

A man joins a very strict monastic order. Their core principle is the Silentium Magna, or Silentium Sancta; the Great Silence, the Holy Silence.

The monks are not allowed to speak except to their abbot, and only two words and only once every ten years. The abbot himself may speak as needed at any time.

The new monk meets the abbot for the first time, and the abbot says, “Welcome.” Mindful of the rule, the monk replies, “Thank you.”

Ten years go by and the time comes for the monk to meet the abbot after his first decade in the order. The abbot says, “What would you say to me, Brother Monk?” The monk says, “Bed hard.” The abbot, raising his eyebrows a bit, says, “Thank you, Brother Monk, I’ll make a note of that. You’re excused.”

Another ten years elapse and the monk goes to his meeting with the abbot. “What would tell me now, Brother Monk?” The monk says, “Food cold.” The abbot, again raising his eyebrows, says, “Thank you, Brother Monk, I’ll make a note of that. You may go.”

At the end of the next ten years, the monk meets the abbot again. The abbot says, “What’s on your mind today, Brother Monk?” The monk says, “I quit.” The abbot says, “Well, I’m not surprised. You’ve done nothing but bitch since you got here.”

Edited May 28, 2021 by wsc

[mike carey]

A couple of days ago was International Bee Day, for all the reasons you'd expect related to climate change, the threat that loss of bees would have on crops that rely on them for pollination, and the prevalence of the veroa mite.

i'd heard about it and got all the reasons that it was important, but then I heard it referenced without any context a day or so later, and my immediate (though thankfully brief) thought was, 'What the hell is an international bide... Oh, right!'.

[lonely_john]

[Guest]

[lonely_john]

[+ azdr0710]

[+ azdr0710]

[+ azdr0710]

[+ azdr0710]

[+ azdr0710]

[+ azdr0710]

[+ azdr0710]

[+ azdr0710]

[mike carey]

By way of background, the ABC over recent days has been trotting out snippets of public opinion on what Australians think about an incredible range of issues. It is based on an independently conducted survey that asked 60,000 people about 600 questions.

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2021-05-23/australia-talks-national-survey-how-it-works/100113880

Tonight they ran a 90 minute TV special, on which one item stood out (at least to report in this forum). The survey had asked how often people masturbated, and noted that the federal electorate that had the highest level of, ahem, self gratification (or at least that was admitted) was Sydney which encompasses central areas of the city, including much of the gaybourhood.

They had a well-known comedian do some vox pops on the subject, and finished the segment with him devising a simulated ad campaign to sell that aspect of Sydney. He took it to the federal MP for Sydney, the Labor party's Tanya Plibersek. She sits as he rolls out his pitch to her, looking alternately amused and bemused, with an occasional eye-roll. At the end he is going through a series of [lame] slogans for the ad, when in a pause she says, 'We welcome all comers'?

Has to be a mic drop, I don't care whether it had been scripted for her.

Edited September 8, 2021 by mike carey
I misspelt Tanya's name

[+ jeezopete]

Seen on twitter:

@MustardSally1

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.

Apparently he waved to another woman so to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

[+ jeezopete]

Also on twitter:

@Rachel_Harper

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won't even return a hello...turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPARATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.