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jackhammer91406

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And So it Goes.....

 

A man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.

 

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

 

 

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.

'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.

 

 

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

 

 

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND......

 

 

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A history lesson for baseball fans

 

In Macedonia, in an area mainly inhabited by Greek Orthodox Serbs, there's an ancient Catholic convent. It's only there because of an agreement negotiated between the two churches; it will remain Catholic as long as it is occupied. Its current only occupant is the 84 year old Sister Anita, but she's likely to be there for a while - she's in good health, gardening, maintaining the chapel, and following the rules of her Order.

 

The convent has a deep history. It traces back to a pagan temple at least 2500 years old; it was a temple to Eros, the god of love, and had a famous (and somewhat scandelous) statue of the god. The statue was destroyed by iconoclastic Christians early in the Christian era, who sanctified the site as a Christian convent, which it remains to this day.

 

Later, the armies of Atilla the Hun encamped in the area, and the famous general himself commandeered the convent as his headquarters. During the winter he expressed a desire to learn about the history and customs of the Greeks, and commanded scholars and wise men to bring him scrolls and documents, and translate and read them to him. However, he became so enraged at the contradictions, speculation, inconsistancies and quarreling of the philosophers and historians that he had them all burned, a tragic loss to history.

 

After the armies left, the church restored the convent, and now Sister Anita is the last the line in this long history.

 

So, just as happened recently in Philadelphia, that's how it ends - no Huns, no Writs, no Eros, and nun left on base.

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And so it goes.....

 

Generous lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

 

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

 

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

 

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

 

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

 

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

 

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

 

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

 

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

 

 

 

Blonde paint job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

 

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

 

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

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  • 2 weeks later...

and so it goes...late

 

Apologies for the tardiness. It's Sunday after all, not Friday. But I was in Las Vegas this weekend and couldn't get the laptop to work. I think I was channeling Hooboy.

Anyway...I thought this was funny enough to share...

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "Look, I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

 

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted.

 

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

 

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

 

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

 

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe."

 

"I see," the captain says.

 

"Plus, he's screwing me," she added.

 

"He certainly is", replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

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It goes.....

 

One evening Jerry went over to his friend Tony's house to play cards with some other guys. Jerry sat directly across from Tony's wife. Jerry dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked under the table he saw that Tony's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was so flushed he went into the kitchen to get a drink of water.

 

To his surprise Tony's wife followed him into the kitchen and said, "did you like what you saw?"

Jerry said, "yes I did."

She said, "well you can get more than that for $500."

Jerry thought it over and said "ok."

"Come back tomorrow at 2:30, Tony will be at work," she said.

Jerry came over & they had sex. He paid her and left.

Later, Tony came home and asked, "has Jerry been over here today?"

"Why yes," she said thinking she had been caught. "As a matter of fact he has."

"Good," Tony said, "because that fool came by my job this morning and borrowed $500 'til this evening and said he would leave it with you."

 

Or this.....

 

My neighbor found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."

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For those who like such things......

 

 

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

 

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room while he marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was busy writing on his clipboard.

 

"What's the matter with you?!!" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?!!!"

 

The younger doctor continued writing, and without looking up said,

 

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

Or this.....

 

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

 

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

 

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe -

well-developed and open to trade, especially

for something of real value.

 

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

 

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece & gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

 

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past..

 

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.

 

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada -

cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

 

After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

 

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

 

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by nuts.

 

THE END.

 

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And so it sexually goes......

 

 

Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'

'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'

'Pension sex?'

'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'

 

 

LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,

'I've got a big problem, doctor.

Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,

He lets out this ear splitting yell.'

 

'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.

I don't see what the problem is.'

'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

 

QUIET SEX

 

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife

During a recent lovemaking session,

'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'

She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'

 

 

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small,

$6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'

 

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him

To talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

 

'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.

 

'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'

 

 

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

 

 

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their

40th wedding anniversary The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting

You a headstone that reads:

'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'

 

'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' '

 

 

 

WOMAN'S HUMOROUS SEX

 

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,

'This will make you happy tonight.'

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,

I squirted it all over the doorknobs.

He couldn't get back in.

 

 

 

 

ELDERLY SEX

 

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found

Her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony

Of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

 

Brought before the court on the charge of murder,

The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.

She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...

He could also fly.'

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Guest countryboywny

Two 90-something widows are sitting out on the porch at their retirement home in Miami. One widow says to the other "What do you do when you get horny?" The other says "I suck a life saver." The first widow replies "Who drives you to the beach?"

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A little boy and girl were in the sandbox, each bragging about what they had that the other did not. The banter escalates:

 

Boy: "Well, I have a Great Dane, that is a HUGE dog!"

Girl: "Phew, that's nothing. I have a pony and a pony is much bigger than any dog!"

Boy: Very frustrated, he pulls down his shorts and points to his dick, "I have one of these and I know you don't!"

Girl: "Phew, that's nothing." She raises her dress and points to her vagina, "I have one of these, and with this, I can get all that I want!"

 

She wins!

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Wind in the willows.....

 

A guy goes hunting.

He leans his gun against a tree.

Just then, a gust of wind blows, the gun falls over and

Discharges, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his Doctor.

 

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is

That you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, but

there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of

The buckshot."

 

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

 

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage

Done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to

Have to refer you to my sister."

 

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister

A plastic surgeon?"

 

Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the West

Virginia Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your

Fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

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Pushing the right buttons.....

 

Here is one for today:

 

Fondling In Bed

 

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started moving at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

 

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

 

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch TV.

 

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

 

" I found the remote," he said.

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Sex quotes

 

Here are few for today:

GREAT SEX QUOTES

 

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” Tom Clancy

 

“You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.”

Steve Martin

 

“ Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner you’d better have a good hand.” Woody Allen

 

“Bisexuality immediately doubles you chances for a date on Saturday night.”

Rodney Dangerfield

 

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex...no matter what she’s reading...”

Steve Jobs (founder, Apple Computers)

 

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” Jack Nicholson

 

“Clinton lied. A Man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is”. Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady- and you didn’t think she had a sense of humor)

 

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” Billy Crystal

 

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental where, of course, men are just grateful.” Robert De Niro

 

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” Rod Stewart

 

“See the problem is God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.” Robin Williams

 

“Sex at 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” George Burns

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Thanks Jackhammer. I especially love the George Burns quote. And as I get closer in age to him, it gets more and more relevant. :)

 

Something that I just discovered that I found funny: one of the oldest saloons in Baltimore: "The Horse You Came In On Saloon"

 

http://www.thehorsebaltimore.com/Site/Welcome.html

 

But their tag line is great and probably should be standard for any bar in America:

 

"Where no one is ugly at 2 AM".

 

A bar with a great sense of humor. That's been around for a couple of hundred years. I think I'm going to have to stop in Baltimore to pay my respects. And to see if no one really is ugly at 2 AM.

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Guys, I would also like to share a song parody that was given to me by one of the regulars at Monster on Thursday night when I was visiting Tomcat. TC had gone off for some stupid ass reason that I just can't explain or justify (just because he wanted to spend some private time with Tyger, I mean really, just because we agreed on that is that any reason to actually do it :) ) And TC left me in the capable hands of Phil the brilliant piano player at the bar. And a few of the regulars and I were sitting around singing and having a blast (god, I can't wait to get back there -- if you are in or near NYC you have got to go to Monster and see Phil). Anyway, one of the regulars, Knox, shared the following song parody which I just loved. I'm just trying to see if I can get up the nerve to sing it at my office Christmas party. Set to the music of Winter Wonderland, I think it's a blast:

 

Lacy things –

The wife is missin',

Didn't ask –

Her permission,

I'm wearin' her clothes,

Her silk pantyhose,

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

In the store –

There's a teddy,

Little straps –

Like spaghetti,

It holds me so tight,

Like handcuffs at night,

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Melvin,

He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.

He'll say, Are you ready?

I'll say, Whoa, Man!

Let's wait until

Our wives are out of town!

Later on, if you wanna,

We can dress -- like Madonna,

Put on some eyeshade,

And join the parade,

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!

Lacy things –

The wife is missin',

Didn't ask -- her permission,

I'm wearin' her clothes,

Her silk pantyhose,

Walkin' 'round in Women's Underwear,

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!

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You are no doubt familiar with a sign common in FL and elsewhere that says, no shirt, no shoes, no service. A bar that I am very fond of in St. Croix, USVI is right on the beach and at least 1/2 of the tables are in the open air. Nice. It has a sign that says, no shoes, no shirt, no problem. My kind of place. They also serve a free shot of rum when the sun goes down. However, they do have a sign that says, no horses. I guess they meant it, I never saw a horse there. :)

 

Best regards,

KMEM

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Electric Train

 

Electric Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

 

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

 

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

 

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

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