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Morford On Spain and Canada


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Burn, Canada And Spain, Burn! Look to the skies, see the wrath of God rain down on married gays! Will hockey and tapas survive?


Oh, but it will be fun to watch Spain and Canada burn in hell. I mean, we're right next door to Canada. We have the best possible view.


It will be fun to watch their societies crumble, their moral fiber rend and shred, their sense of justice and humanity wither and die in the white-hot sun of sin and impudence and blasphemy, Canada's no-longer-manly hockey teams spontaneously combust into a billion meaty bloody God-splattered bits, Spanish children drop their jamon sandwiches in terror and scream and shriek and turn into instant puddles of fiery confused goo.


Why all the vicious carnage? Why the reign of terror? Simple, silly: Canada and Spain have done the unthinkable, the unconscionable. They have legalized gay marriage, everywhere, in their respective countries. Oh my God, they are so going to burn.


It's true. The good news was a bit buried under stories about BushCo's latest mangled speech, wherein the Bumbling One once again debased the tragedy of 9/11 in a desperate attempt to convince war-weary Americans that his vicious string of lies about Iraq are justified and all those dead Americans are worth it and all the tens of thousands of innocent civilians we've killed are just a pesky afterthought to our snarling machinations of pillage and empire, but there it is, shining like a beacon, a ray of hope from those godless heathens up north and across the globe.


Canada's gay marriage bill finally made it through the contentious House of Commons and is expected to sail through the Senate almost immediately and become federal law by July, and then gay marriage will be perfectly legal across the entire country, doubtlessly and permanently and forevermore.


And Spain, oh my God Spain, Spain defied endless years of a Roman Catholic choke hold and infuriated religious conservatives and basically did the equivalent of opening a giant Starbucks in downtown Salt Lake City or maybe a huge bikini warehouse in downtown Riyadh. Which is to say, they flipped a well-timed bird to the ruling dogma and voted for joy and bliss and love. Gay Spanish couples can be married as soon as the law is printed in the government registry, within two weeks. Imagine.


Surely, locusts are at hand. Surely, a rain of fire and death shall smite both countries from above, any minute now. Go outside right now and watch. You should be able to see at least some of Canada go down. It should be quite the spectacle, all bloodshed and screaming and shards of exploded hockey sticks flying through the air like toothpicks. Bring an umbrella.


Already, Spanish and Canadian religious zealots and conservative hatemongers are wringing their hands and scowling heavily and heading for the gay-free bomb shelters, well stocked as they are with Bibles and potatoes and canned corn and secret stashes of German fetish porn and Spanish tapas and Canadian bacon and joylessness.


These people are, as you might imagine, deeply pissed and frustrated and wishing they could all be living anywhere but Canada or Spain (or Belgium, or the Netherlands, the only other nations that have legalized gay marriage to date), and many are possibly right now praying they could be magically transported straight to that glorious nexus of sexless homophobia and rabid religious sanctimony, Colorado Springs, a.k.a. "the evangelical Vatican," "the Mecca o' Intolerance," "Jerusalem for Dummies."


Alas, they are stuck in mellow, war-free, healthy, gay-happy Canada and sunny, friendly, party-riffic Spain. Poor dears.


Already, the vast majority of Canadian and Spanish children are crying, trembling, sensing something is amiss, aware that the precious balance has been altered, their potential fates as imminent homophobes and conservative ideologues being thrown into question. I mean, what will they become? Who will teach them to hate gays and loathe anyone who is different and where will they learn to be all sexually uptight and sanctimonious and misguided? Oh, right. America.


This, after all, is the biggest question of all, the one thrown up like a mantra every time a large cultural question of sex and gender pops up: Who -- pray, who -- will save the children?


Children are going to be horribly affected by legal gay marriage, somehow. This is what the ideologues wail. Children are going to be psychologically damaged and morally mauled and sexually preyed upon by those deviant homos with their crazy beliefs and bizarre sexual practices and their whips and chains and weird paraphernalia and gay agitprop literature and creepy homosexual hand puppets.


This is what they sincerely believe, even though no one, not any Canadian, Spaniard or church leader, nor any homophobic U.S. senator, can exactly say how kids will be harmed. Just, of course, that they will. Will kids become premature alcoholics? Sexual deviants? Godless heathens? Wiccans and porn addicts and Danielle Steele fans? Will they get tattoos and pierce their labias and vote Green? Or will they merely suffer a ridiculously high divorce rate, 29 percent higher than the U.S. average, like they already do in the "morally virtuous" red states?


Kids will, they certainly fear, be aggressively harvested, recruited, converted to homosexuality much in the same way other dark forces siphon off our youth -- like, oh, the U.S. Army sucking up lost lower-class teens or Billy Graham working for over 50 years to convert millions of Christians to a certain narrow worldview and rigid lifestyle. Yes, gays will treat kids just like that.


Do we need to say it? The gay-recruitment thing is, of course, utter BS, a sad joke, demeaning and wrongheaded and heartbreakingly ignorant. Kids will be fine. Kids will be happy and perky and heavily Ritalined, as always.


And the next generation of Canadian and Spanish kids will see homosexual couples get married and they will say to themselves, huh, look mommy, two people in love, holding hands, laughing and crying and arguing and bitching about how damned cold it is in Quebec or why the Bilbao doesn't stay open until 6 am for all-night partying, trying to make their way in the world, paying taxes and doing the shopping and receiving free health care and arguing over carpet samples and struggling to understand a very convoluted and torturous but potentially shockingly beautiful, love-drenched world.


Either that, or the kids will just shrug and go watch more TV. Oh the horror.


Regardless, conservative Spaniards and Canadians are up in arms, aghast, terrified to their very cores. Especially in Alberta, a.k.a. "Texas north," a.k.a. "the one place in Canada you never need to visit." One Canadian hand-wringer called the vote to legalize gay marriage "an onerous breach of trust and the deconstruction of so much that is dear to our hearts." One Spanish conservative wailed, "I think the prime minister has committed a grave act of irresponsibility."


Actually, that's not so bad. In fact, that's downright mild and articulate, relatively speaking, nowhere near the American brand of alarmism and hate, a Rick Santorum-grade level of horror and homosexual fantasy that brands gay unions as one tiny step removed from bestiality and necrophilia and in-breeding and screwing your ficus plant and filming it and putting it up on your family blog. Damn, even their homophobia is nicer than ours.


Perhaps this is the good news for Canada and Spain. Now that the entirety of the two countries (Alberta happily, snarlingly excepted) are so open to godlessness and sexual deviance and raw gay love, well, it's a virtual lock than no God-fearing conservative American will move there, much in the same way they now refuse, in their terror and misery and unhappy shoes, to move to those heathen tofu-sucking sexually open liberal American strongholds of San Francisco, or New York, or Chicago, et al.


In other words, Canada and Spain are now essentially much like any major American city that happens to be home to world-class universities and actual culture and decent bookstores and progressive ideologies, places where people seem to understand that, at least while we're all trapped in these odd human shells for such a brief, glimmering eyeblink of time, allowing love to progress and evolve as it sees fit does not, somehow, equal epic doom, decay or moral annihilation.


In fact, the realization is now more apparent than ever that allowing such delicious evolution equals, well, the exact opposite. Wild kudos to Spain and Canada for welcoming it. And what a deep and pathetic shame that most of the U.S., despite claims of spiritual freedom and tolerance, isn't even close.

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Guest zipperzone

Thanks Tri - I would never have seen this without you post, and it is the best commentary I have seen on the subject thus far!

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Mark Morford


Awesome piece, thanks Tri! I've had a hard-on for Mark Morford for years, (and I adore his writing too ;) )




He's about the most gay-friendly straight guy you're ever going to meet. He used to write a kick-ass newsletter called "The Morning Fix" where he would let it all hang out.. (anybody have the complete collection contact me pleeze!) but the chickenshits at SFGate caught the "yellow fever" after Nipplegate and nixed it. He still writes his excellent albiet a little toned-down [a href=http://www.sfgate.com/columnists/morford/archive/]column[/a] on SFGate ([a href=http://www.sfgate.com/rss/feeds/morford.xml]RSS feed[/a] available) and has been working on their blog lately as well.


I couldn't recommend him more highly for his funky divine inspiration and [a href=http://poynteronline.org/content/content_view.asp?id=39527]bejeweled butt plugs[/a].



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RE: Mark Morford, keeps rocking!


SFGate.com writer top online columnist


Chronicle News Report


Sunday, July 3, 2005


Mark Morford has won first place in the online columns division of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists' annual contest.


The award covers columnists whose work appears primarily in online newspapers, as Morford's does for The Chronicle's Web site, SFGate.com. This marks the second time in three years that Morford has won in the division.


Morford, 38, has written his twice-weekly column since 2000 and recently began writing for the site's new Culture Blog.


"Mark's witty and irreverent column is one of the most popular and distinctive features of our Web site, and we're grateful that his fellow columnists have recognized his talents," said SFGate.com News Director Vlae Kershner.

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