stupidity

[Guest jdt]

I would like to publicly admit to a stupid act, and hope someone can give me some comfort. I am in a 16 year relationship with a wonderful guy. Except that the sex has diminished to almost nothing. My boyfriend is HIV positive, and has been for seven years, and his meds have diminished his sex drive greatly.

 

I admit I miss the sex, and confess that I had been toying with the idea of hiring an escort. But I never have. But my boyfriend found me logging onto the male4malescorts site this weekend, and now is convinced I have been with someone else. We had a row over this, and I'm afraid I have lost his trust. He is obviously hurting. And so am I. We are still together, and we want to remain together. But I'm afraid the lost trust can never be regained.

 

Any suggestions or words of comfort would be appreciated. I have chastised myself over my stupidity already.

[Guest Esc_Tracker]

Brazen it out and roll your eyes every time he raises the escort "thing". Pretend nothing happened (nothing did, after all). Don't do anything suspicious (don't send him flowers, for example). Keep living your life *exactly* as you were. Whatever you do, don't make a big thing over his moods. Be friendly. Smile. He'll get over it. If he doesn't after a couple of weeks, go for counselling with him.

 

Esc-Tracker

[Guest SFJEFF]

You should also be honest about the fact that you were considering hiring an escort because you miss the sex. It is possible that you can both share in the experience and then he will know it is just about the sex and not the relationship. Just a suggestion.

[Guest]

Well, he obviously knows you were at least thinking about it, so you might as well level with him on that. Tell him you still love him, but that you've been frustrated sexually, and that you have fantasized about hiring an escort although you haven't done it. He needs to understand you're not thinking of giving up on the relationship. Hopefully he can tell you're being honest. Finally, you might also mention that you go through escort sites to get good J/O material, if that's true, and he wouldn't object. I'm sure that's a good part of why we all spend time here, too.

[Will]

Here are some words of comfort, which I hope you'll devour with the relish usually reserved for chocolate chip cookies. After 16 years, it's pretty obvious that you love each other and that most of your life together moves forward on the sure footing of your trust and intimacy. It seems to me, however, that the level of trust and intimacy between two people can't be determined by what one person imagines that the other person is thinking -- or, worse, would think -- about what other one is thinking -- or, worse, would think. Trust and intimacy depend on a history of reliable actions, not on hasty impressions of tension-filled moments.

 

In this case, you were troubled by the sexual part of your relationship. There's nothing wrong with that because it's perfectly natural to be troubled about any part of a relationship that isn't working well. It need not be sex; it could be money, friends, housing. I don't see that you have anything at all to feel guilty about.

 

Perhaps your partner is also troubled about the sexual part of your relationship. The only way to find out is to ask him. And the only way for him to know exactly how you feel is to tell him. If you have no secrets from each other, and if each of you cares primarily about the security of your relationship, I am certain that you can work this out. After all, anybody can visit this site for any reason. I wonder if your partner might be feeling guilty that he can't satisfy your sexual needs in the way he used to and that he might not know what to do about it. Clearly, the two of you have not (yet, anyway!) developed a discourse in which you can talk about sexual problems, which is why each of you projects that insecurity onto the other. It's as natural as rainfall, but not as inevitable.

 

To me, this does not sound like the overture to an opera titled "The End of the World." On the contrary, to my eyes it looks like the opening scene of the beginning of a new and deeper level of trust, intimacy and love between two people who obviously mean everything to each other. I hope you'll be able to put your useless guilt aside and to find the courage to look at your lover with the expression on your face that you'd like to see on his. And that you'll talk openly and honestly about your needs, your fears, and your ho

[Guest jdt]

Thank you for your reply. But I don't think it is right to "pretend nothing happened." Yes, nothing did happen, but I have to admit I was looking. Maybe if I was not "caught," something could have happened in the near future. My boyfriend and I must address that somehow, and not cover it up. Clearly we have some issues, and he is hurting. I think we will be able to work it out, and hopefully, our relationship will be even stronger as a result.

[Losgatan]

jdt:

 

I've been in a stable relationship with the same guy for 39 years and I can assure you that it's both necessary and possible to work through the situation you are facing.

 

In my case, my partner became essentially impotent because of advancing age and potent blood pressure meds. For a couple of years, I lived an essentially celibate life, hiring only occasionally when travelling on business.

 

I finally found the courage to be open with my partner about my needs. Yes, he was very defensive at first -- so much so that I insisted that we get some couple's counselling from a gay psychologist.

 

Over a period of several months, we reached an agreement that we both could live with: that I was free to hire discretely, that I would never talk about my experiences, and that I would not bring my partners into our home.

 

Now, 6-7 years later, I believe our relationship is stronger than it has ever been. Even from the beginning, it was not primarily based on sexual attraction. We had many other things to tie us together.

 

If we had not faced the sex issue, I believe there's a very good chance that we would be living separately today.

 

So, please find the courage to be honest with your partner about how you feel. It's really the only solution.

[Guest jdt (Guest)]

Thank you for your words of encouragement. Now that a few days have passed, I see some signs of hope. But once trust is lost, it is very hard to gain it back. Only time will tell. While my boyfriend knew of my sexual frustrations, I don't think he really realized the degree of frustration I was experiencing, and I failed in not being able to get him to see what I was experiencing. Then I failed in not talking to him about escorts before I started looking.

 

But we both want to work this out. We have 16 years invested in this relationship, which is certainly much more than a mere sexual relationship. He did allow me to cuddle up to him last night in bed, which appears to be all he really needs physically. And when I called him today from work, I think I heard the happiness I usually hear in his voice when he hears mine.

 

I don't think he is open to the idea of me hiring an escort, even discretely, at this moment. It is too soon. Maybe after some time has passed for him to realize that my need was no passing whim. Of course, I would never contemplate bringing anyone into the home we share together.

 

-jdt