Dilemma....

[Guest DCescortBOY]

what do you do when your best friend in the whole-wide-world, the person you'd DIE for, chooses a trick over you? do you stumble home, miraculously--as i did--and just have him call you in the morning, with the proviso that he let you know if you'll be joined by EDWARD on saturday?????

 

what's a dejected, cast-asunder friend to do?

[Boston Guy]

How did he choose a trick over you? You haven't provided enough details for us to respond properly.

[Guest jeffOH]

DC

Is he just a friend, or do you have a secret crush on this guy?

When I was your age and I would go out dancing with a friend, it

was pretty much a given that one or both of us would find a trick. I got the impression that you were drunk or whatever and

your friend chose to go with this guy rather than see to it that

you made it home safely. I wouldn't take it personally. Fags are

notorius for such behavior. I've had friends disappear in a bar

not to be heard from for a couple of days. Maybe you could bring

it up and tell him how you feel.

 

Jeff4hire@aol.com

[Guest DCescortBOY]

i hesitate to say "we're just friends" because that makes it seem like it is somehow inferior than dating. for me, nothing could be farther from the truth. my friends are my family; i value them more than anything on the planet. that said, we're just friends. i don't think i'd want to have sex, or romantic entanglement with him. HEHE... i know where he's been!

 

we had planned to go out last night (weds) for a couple days. we used to go out every wednesday to feygele feud & to see my favorite bartender on whom i have an amazing crush. we have missed several weds in a row for various reasons, so we actually made plans for this one.

 

a short while after getting to the bar, he mentioned that edward (his trick from a couple of nights ago--there's a story there, but i'll leave it for now) was "probably" going to show up. no big deal, right? right. around my friends, i'm really open & gregarious, but when i'm hanging around people i don't know, i tend to be extremely reserved--to the point of having been accused of being stuck-up or unfriendly a number of times.

 

for some reason, last night was different. the trick seemed quite nice, perhaps a bit shy, even a little cute. being around me & a good friend can be quite an experience--sometimes i can be a bit over the top (no, not screaming queen, just... well, i guess animated is a decent description). i was impressed when i came back from a bathroom trip & the trick had gotten me a fresh drink (and actually got the right thing). so, i made a special attempt to include him in the little jokes & things. things progressed nicely.

 

so, when we decided to head over to another bar, nothing seemed amiss. i had expected that we'd hang out there for a while & i would stop drinking. then, i fully expected my friend to go home with the trick & me to go home alone (i always do). now, i won't go into detail, but on the way down 17th street, i reached out to grab my friend (i think i had to tell him something... don't really recall) and instead grabbed the arm of the trick & pulled him toward me. hey! i was engrossed in some eye candy! anyway, the trick in a MOST unfriendly manner brushed my hand away & slightly pushed me away. i have had people come up & kiss me before they realize they've got the wrong person, and i don't do anything as impolite as that. it wasn't a "personal space" thing with him because in the bar we had all been very close (it is always crowded). i just said "i'm sorry, i thought you were <insert best friend's name>."

 

maybe it was the alcohol, but, it took about 2 seconds for me to get THOROUGHLY pissed off! my best friend probably didn't even notice what happened. i walked up to him, kissed his ear, and said "call me in the morning when you leave his (the trick's) house." i ignored the trick & turned around, cause my car was the other way. to my friend's credit, he did ask if i was gonna be ok & i gave a "thumbs up" sign, but it was painfully obvious that i was in no shape to drive anywhere--walking successfully took effort. nonetheless, i made it to the car & somehow made it home--that's all kind of a black fog really.

 

before you all yell at me, no, i'm not an alcoholic. i don't get drunk or drink often. it was unusual. i agree that i should NOT have driven anywhere. if i had half a brain, i would have gone back in the bar i had come out of & find some friends to hang out with while sobering up. but that's not the point.

 

now, this particular friend & i are uniquely suited to going out. we seem to enjoy the same mix of dancing vs. standing around looking & talking about people (you know, finding all of my future husbands, only they don't know it yet!)

with most of my other friends, if we go out together, it is just going out. we may or may not leave with each other & we probably won't hang out with each other the whole time. with the friend from last night, it is different. if we arrive together, we leave together. neither of us ever goes home with someone else. we don't pick people up, etc. i personally don't go home with people from bars. my friend sometimes does, but not when he's out with me. when we're out together, we're there to have fun with one another (i am amazingly fun!) and enjoy each other's company.

 

i just feel very let-down. i hesitate to make something important out of someone who is just a trick for my friend, though. i suppose the nagging thing is, he is now a serial trick. sunday night, when i didn't go out with my friend (story there, but i'll save it) & then last night.

 

my friend & i have already made plans to go out on saturday night. it may well be the last of the nights "like old times" for us for a while, because he may be moving out of town for a bit. i don't want to be around the trick though. i gave him a chance & he blew it. perhaps i'm making too much of this. my friend hasn't even mentioned the trick joining us on saturday. in my drunken stupor, i left a voicemail (which is SO me!) saying that if he'd rather hang out with edward on sat night, i understand, just let me know. that was likely a mistake, but what's done is done.

 

<sigh> i feel like SUCH a drama queen now...

[Guest ChicagoCorey]

Dude, I'm sorry to tell you this, but even hearing your side of the story, you seem like you're in the wrong. Getting up in someone's face, even accidentally, when the other person has been drinking, can be pretty abrupt and upsetting. If this guy has even the remotest personal space issues, he might have been startled or at least annoyed; your apology in the moment was the right thing to do, but the fact is, leaving the scene the way you did was way over the top. You put your bud in an uncomfortable position -- no one was asking you not to be there but I think it's Male Frienship Rule #1 (gay or straight) not to fuck up someone else's chance of getting some play. Friends step aside gracefully and are there for the friends when needed.

 

This would be a totally different scenario if you guys went out and he ditched you for a guy he met at the bar. But that's not what happened. He met someone there that he was obviously interested in seeing again, and you're the one who ditched them. I think you owe your friend a big time apology, but you also just need to let him know where you are coming from. Just treat them like you'd want your possibly new relationship to be treated.

 

-------

chicagocorey@yahoo.com

get to know me/updated frequently

http://www.geocities.com/chicagocorey

[BgMstr4u]

What a dramatic evening!

 

From what you say, it sounds like you left your friend, not the other way around: "i walked up to him, kissed his ear, and said "call me in the morning when you leave his (the trick's) house." i ignored the trick & turned around...." I guess if a friend had done that to me, I would assume I was on my own for the rest of the evening and act accordingly. I wouldn't necessarily be upset -- people have all kinds of reasons for changing plans in the course of an unstructured evening, and I long ago learned not to take those changes in plan too seriously.

 

One little thought. You keep calling your friend's friend "the trick". Sometimes we may miss an opportunity to make a new friend if we simply slot them into a category and treat them as a type rather than paying attention to them as an interesting person and possible friend.

 

At any rate, I am happy you made it home safely and without a ticket for driving under the influence!

[Guest DCescortBOY]

i never got in anyone's face.

[Guest DCescortBOY]

your male friendship rule is disgusting. let's not become friends, ok? somehow, if the choice was between my friend & some ass, my friend wins EACH & EVERY time.

[Guest DCescortBOY]

he's not a relationship--he's a TRICK. a quick & easy fuck. my friend has no interest in dating anyone at the moment.

i really think you misunderstood much of what i said. i may have not been especially clear. i didn't "get in anyone's face" EVER. the closest was when i kissed my best friend on the ear. (i always kiss him goodbye somewhere--it is kind of a "thing" with us... he never knows where it is gonna be: nose, ear, cheek, you know.)

i think the incident was one you had to see to truly appreciate. i was looking to the side, reached out & sort of pulled the trick's arm toward me. if he had "personal space" issues, he wouldn't have slung his arm around my shoulders in the bar while listening to a fascinating account of someone's foreskin (my little fetish).

[Guest DCescortBOY]

before the incident occured, i tried to allow the the possibility of the TRICK becoming a friend at some point. he was nice, a little shy (but then again, i was especially gregarious last night)... he blew it with the brush off outside.

thanks, though, for the thoughts about my safety getting home. it was more than my so-called-best-friend could do. his concern seems to have been focused on his penis & the amazingly skinny ass next to him. (now, i'm a skinny boy, but this guy... well, maybe he's been in a refugee camp...)

[Guest DCescortBOY]

ok, 4 different responses to the same post is annoying. i apologize.

 

you said that friends step aside gracefully & are there when needed. where was my friend when i drove home so drunk that i honestly do not remember ANYTHING from the time i got to the car until i was walking up the stairs to my bedroom?

 

you also mention that i should treat the trick as i would want my friend to treat a possible romantic interest of mine. there are a couple of things wrong there. my friend has no romantic interest in him. his hole is the source of my friend's interest. we've talked many times about it; now is NOT a good time for my friend to date anyone. it would complicate his life in ways he doesn't want. those are HIS words, not mine.

but, to get back to your point. the fact is, if there is a conflict between one of my close friends & someone i might want to date, the friend gets a hug & the romantic interest gets shown the door. there's no discussion of it. no dick, no ass will ever mean to me what my friends do.

[Guest delhi]

Why make such a big deal out of such a trivial matter? Don't you have anything happening in your life besides going to bars and getting loaded?

[Guest DCescortBOY]

what's going on in your life besides worrying about me?

 

to answer your question directly, no, there is nothing more important than my friends in my life. NOTHING. i pray nothing ever will be.

[Guest Esc_Tracker]

You are unhappy and hurt, and I am not going to grapple with the futile task of convincing you that you shouldn't be. Here are a few observations that may make you feel better, however:

 

1. Lots of unhappiness is the result of miscommunication and misunderstanding. You admit that you were seriously under the influence at the time. This may have hindered your ability to pick up non-verbal cues. You briefly mistook your friend's trick for your friend after all, so you can't have been fully there. Were your two companions also over their limit? If so, they might have been misunderstanding *you*.

 

2. Rest assured that your friend would have been deathly mortified after the fact if something had happened to you on your way home. As it stands, it would appear that both of you thought you would make it home OK. (And if you had doubts you would, why didn't you take a cab?)

 

3. Friends sometimes make stupid mistakes. It doesn't sound as if he has done this to you before. So forgive him, already.

 

4. You say that your shared rule is that you see each other home at the end of your clubbing/bar hopping. Is it possible that your friend might feel *he* has a grievance because *you* didn't stick with *him* until the end? You are the one who left, after all, not him.

 

In any case, my advice would be to let this slide by for now. If your friend feels any guilt, he will be relieved and will love you all the more if you can both get back to your old selves. Maybe a few weeks down the road, when you don't feel nearly as bad and can look back at this incident with a bit more detachment, bring it up again with your friend, and ask him for his understanding of what happened. Experience tells me you will be quite surprised and enlightened by what he has to say.

 

Esc-Tracker

[Guest DCescortBOY]

you're very sweet... and, probably right.

[Guest Konga]

>4 different responses to the

>same post is annoying

 

Once again, you're right.

 

>where was my friend

>when i drove home so

>drunk that i honestly do

>not remember ANYTHING from the

>time i got to the

>car until i was walking

>up the stairs to my

>bedroom?

 

I thought "edward" was a trick? Did you want your friend to walk off the job so he could hold your hand home? Couldn't you just hail a taxi, instead of driving and risking the lives of everyone else on the road? You don't have to be an alcoholic to be a lethal drunk driver. Maybe your friend was too drunk to notice how drunk you were, and you were too drunk to know how drunk he was, and he really needed you to watch out for him so he wouldn't be taken advantage of in his innebriated state by some easy "trick", but you threw a hissy fit and marched/stumbled off instead, and now your friend has his own dilemma: what does he do about his jealous, gregarious, unobservant, and self-centered friend who's got too much pixie dust in his eyes to see anything but drama at every turn? Now THAT's a dilemma!

 

>I think it's Male Friendship Rule #1

>(gay or straight) not to fuck up someone

>else's chance of getting some play.

>Friends step aside gracefully and are

>there for the friends when needed.

 

Corey, you're so right. Not sure of the numbering, but Don't Be a Cockblock rates high on the male friendship rule list. Someone who knows just when to gracefully disappear, yet always remain present in the heart as a friend, is indeed someone to be valued.

[Guest delhi]

>what's going on in your life

>besides worrying about me?

 

The only thing I worry about in connection with you is that I will open up this message board one day and find that the first twenty threads are all created by you, and all about the same sort of thing as this one. If you want to talk on and on and on about your life, why not follow the example of other escorts and get your own website where you can post as much information about yourself and your actions and your thoughts and your feelings as you want to? It seems to work for them.

 

>to answer your question directly, no,

>there is nothing more important

>than my friends in my

>life. NOTHING. i pray nothing

>ever will be.

 

You created this thread to ask for advice. Okay, here is mine. In several places in this thread you accuse yourself of behaving foolishly on the occasion in question. In posting on this board you seem to have a pattern in which you say, "This behavior of mine is annoying," or "This behavior of mine is over the top," or "This behavior of mine makes people dislike me," and then you go on to repeat the exact same sort of behavior. Why don't you simply take your own advice and stop doing those things? If you want your friends or anyone else to treat you with respect, then behave in a way that merits respect. If you behave in a way that merits respect, you will be justified in deciding that anyone who doesn't treat you with respect is not deserving of your friendship. If you don't behave that way you shouldn't complain when others treat you disrespectfully.

[Guest albinorat]

People shouldn't beat up on DCescort boy. I assume he's young. Boundaries are tough. It's hard to know how to sort out intense feelings of friendship and "love". Gay men in particular have that problem. Only we can "love" and want to feel "loved" and indeed feel "loved" while putting up walls around any sexual feelings that might arise when "love" is genuine. I don't think humans are meant to put leashes on intimacy. Once it's there a lot of things can get into the mix.

 

Yet the bar scene is merciless and opportunistic and yes it is typical for "close friends" to ditch a "close friend" for a "trick", even if the close friend is drunk, depressed or the evening was designed for them to share -- alone.

 

I wonder why the close friend couldn't have said to the trick, "meet me in half hour at my place I want to see DC home". This was not his first time with this trick. Why not say, "I'm here with DC tonight, let's make a date?"

 

Goodness, is a transient date with a dick SO important for a good looking young guy? (I assume the friend is a cutie like DC, he's not going to go begging in a bar). Gay young men are often insensitive and sexually greedy. You don't really have to ditch anybody. "Hey, let's get DC home, and then..." is also a possible response.

 

A close friend has some responsibility for a close friend, period, let alone if the close friend is drunk and will have to drive.

 

If DC is accurate, then it sounds like the close friend doesn't feel that close or needs some sensitivity training quick. If DC and friend had planned to spend a final evening before friend goes away, then that's sacred. Why would he want to drag a trick, a virtual stranger to DC along, even if they've met, to such a special and emotional occasion?

 

Sounds to me like there's some discomfort with intimacy on the part of the friend (not untypical of gay men at all ages). It could be he percieves DC as clinging or needy. So maybe they need to talk and be frank -- though that's hard to do especially for young people. At the least it sounds as though DC and close friend have some signals crossed.

 

But I see the hurt in DC's responses and I'm sorry for him. But dude (you'll forgive me I couldn't resist), you're cute and young. We learn how to be friends and what our needs and limits are through this kind of experience. Don't worry about it too much. At my age no one can stand me so I've run through all possibilities for friendship, but you have a lot of years to sort out what "rules" suit you best for intimate non-sexual interactions. With others perhaps you need to articulate some boundaries ("I'm not going to dump you for a trick, and if you think you might dump me then we probably shouldn't go to a bar together," is one way to start).

 

You might also watch out for drinking so much. No lectures because I'm a viciously self indulgent fatty. But alcahol tolerance is a variable and it's too easy to misjudge how much we should imbibe on any given occasion. It does alter and distort perception, both of distance and time, and it does make it hard to communicate and read other people's signals accurately.

 

Al

[Guest DCescortBOY]

walk off the job???

my friend is not an escort. i use the term "client" when referring to people who hire. the TRICK--edward--is just that, and as i've been assured by my friend, will remain that.

it seems they had a bit of a falling out this morning. my friend reached for his cell phone to call me when he woke up. the trick asked what he was doing so my friend explained. when the trick took the phone out of my friend's hand & said that i could take care of myself, things got heated. it seems my best friend did experience some guilt related to my condition last night & didn't appreciate the trick deprecating that.

[Guest DCescortBOY]

until hooboy asks me not to post, i'm not really worried about you or your opinion. if you don't like my posts, DO NOT READ THEM!

 

problem solved. next?

[Guest DCescortBOY]

thanks al... honestly, i appreciate the thoughts you've conveyed.

some of the point are a smidgen off, but that's to be expected when someone looks at a situation blind. i talked to my friend today, and he was unaware that anything had happened. he knew something did, because i decided to go home, but he didn't know what. he did apologize for not seeing to my safety. no, i don't hold him responsible to do that, but such is what friends do. sex can wait. if it can't, there's always someone hotter around the next corner. he, too, had a LOT to drink. (mostly my fault there... i kept buying.) also, i can be frighteningly stubborn; if he insisted on staying with me, i would have insisted the TRICK go away. at best, we'd have stood there on the street discussing my ability to drive for about a half hour.

 

thanks to the few guys who sent thoughtful, caring responses, including corey, on whom i was a bit harsh at first.

 

to the rest of you, like delhi & konga, i'm sure you can imagine the troves of sleep i'm losing worrying about your opinions.

[+ Lucky]

RE: Respectfully yours....

 

Well, he certainly has a point about earning respect, and treating people with respect. It is good advice for us all. Yes, that includes me.

[Boston Guy]

After reading all these posts carefully, I think you are quite possibly confused about your relationship with your friend.

 

Your actions, as you have described them, sound much more like those of a jealous former- or would-be- boyfriend than a friend of another sort. And this is emphasized even more by your continued use of the word trick, in caps no less, to put down your friend's friend.

 

Most boyfriends start out as tricks, as do many other friends. In the gay community, there is nothing to be ashamed of for being a "trick", yet you use the word pejoratively.

 

Seeking advice is fine. But it seems as if you would do well to try to understand where your jealousy is coming from with regards to your friend (i.e., Do you want more than just a friendship with him? If you can't have him, do you want him not to have a boyfriend who will compete for his time with you?).

 

Separately, you might also want to question why you seem so quick to express fairly strong hostility here.

 

Good luck.

[Guest Tampa Yankee]

BG,

 

Seems to me that you may have hit the nail on the head.

 

DC,

 

You should reflect on this before responding to it either way.

[Guest DCescortBOY]

there is no jealousy at all.

when i spoke to my friend th enext morning, he told me about the falling out he had with the trick over when it was appropriate to call me. then, when i explained what happened the night before, he said "you should have told me. i would have sent him home & we (friend & i) would have stayed out. you should know that a friend is more important to me than a trick."

 

so, the trick is gone.

 

as for me wanting more than friendship, while i understand where you get the idea, it is false. he's really not my type THAT WAY & sexually we're relatively incompatible.