"Conflicting Interests"

[Guest kamikaze483]

**Warning: LACKING IN BREVITY!! Chancing boredom, confusion, and disparity, continue reading at your own risk!**

 

In my dealings as a professional escort, I have noticed that in this industry specifically, certain vital interests of integrity seem to be conflicting.

 

For example, common sense would suggest that displaying proper business ethics and practices would be as vital in this business as in any other. Yet one of those practices mandates that business and personal relationships be separated from one another entirely. My personality is to be open, friendly, attentive, and talkative with my clientelle, essentially making them- a demeanor that any professor of business would consider lacking in professionalism. Yet compromising that demeanor would, very likely, create more distance and tension with the client. This would have the potential to make some clients feel uncomfortable, or dissatisfied with me as an escort. Consequently, I might be guilty, also, of violating more important rules of business. (ie: providing contracted services to the best of your ability, ensuring customer satisfaction at all costs, etc.)

 

The issue of etiquitte and manners, also, cannot be ignored. General etiquitte dicates that certain things are rude, such as asking how much something costs, or asking personal questions of someone you barely know. It seems that it frequently occurs for me to ask a client, or have a client ask me a personal question that makes me uncomfortable to some degree. Am I then to be offended, or must I consider that the client only has a limited time frame in which he can "get to know" me, and therefore he is compromising his dignity and tact.

 

The bottom line is that this industry is unique and follows its own guidelines. And I think I deal quite effectively with it, but does anyone have any brilliant solutions or suggestions as to which rules just don't apply here? And which of the ones that do apply might be neglected or ignored?

 

I guess I am interested to know the things a client might consider to be intrusive, so that I prevent offending someone in my efforts to be friendly. And maybe some clients would like to know the same, coming from the escorts.

 

Scott

"Carpe Diem"

[+ Charlie]

The problem is that the "profesional" model doesn't fit as smoothly here as it does in medicine, education, law, etc. The most obvious difference is that the client is engaging in an act with you that he probably also engages in with amateurs for free. Since most people don't get their teeth cleaned by friends as well as by their dentist, it is harder for them to separate what is appropriate when cuddling with you from what is appropriate when cuddling with a cute pickup from the bar. The kind of distance that may seem professionally right to you may seem like coldness to the client, especially when he is paying for warmth or the illusion of it.

 

That being said, you always have the right in any social situation to decline to answer personal questions from anyone (including Geraldo, Montel, Sally Jessie, etc.), and if he persists he should be told, politely, that you do not feel comfortable sharing that information with someone you don't know really well.

[BgMstr4u]

You bring up an interesting series of questions. At the risk of boring you and others, I have thought long and hard about this area over the years. I think your concerns have some validity -- especially when there are attempts to cross the boundaries of private life.

 

Might I suggest a slightly different approach?

 

Consider the nature of your "product".... It is not a commodity -- a thing made and sold, judged by utility and quality. Nor is it -- despite common perception -- really a service, in the classic sense. A service is an activity purchased to accomplish a task -- whether medical care, cleaning, auto repair, whatever. In a service the personal attributes of the provider are not an issue unless the provider crosses over the lines of general acceptability in appearance and demeanor -- in other words, a service provider essentially disappears as a distinct personality and becomes the embodiment of the service -- she is your dentist, he is your barber, etc. The service they provide does not require you to be interested in that person as a person.

 

But an escort's business is by nature personal, focused on the personality, appearance and interactive capacity of the escort. So the busines relation is different -- your product and your service are essentially yourself. This is a source of the enduring fascination of escorts. Fascination because the escort places himself in a position of personal availability to the client, while still retaining an integral core of identity which is not available ("for sale"). The fascination often comes from the client's attempt to "know" the escort, whose charms so obviously captivate. Geishas know this, and train themselves to retain this interest without violating their own inner sense. The escort interested in a long-term client relationship will retain the social and personal interest of the client by progressive self-revelation. I think that the greatest escorts have a huge capacity for self-revelation which does not violate their inner integrity. It is a gift -- to be able to share in a client relationship without crossing the boundary to that space where the inner self is "sold".

 

This is also the area of moral dilemma. Interestingly, in many religious traditions, including the dominant ones of our culture, it is not the selling of sex which is problematic, but the exploitation of the provider. Rahab the harlot is a hero of the Old Testament and an ancestress of Jesus, and if you read the Hebrew carefully, she is not simply chatting at the window of her house with the Israelites who invade her town, but entertaining them in her brothel (Judges 2). The text indicates nothing unusual or wrong about her business or the fact that the Israelite soldiers resort to her establishment. What is problematic about prostitution is the selling of the "self" (which Rahab does not appartently do) -- making one's inner being into a commodity. The great escorts will always be those who (like the great ones in every profession) are outstanding in their offering. So an escort with little capacity to self-disclose will not go much beyond being a sex-commodity object. You have to know your gift and your limits.

 

There is much more to be said about this, especially in the area of exploitation -- the tendency to make sex workers into objects, to dehumanize and exploit them economically and socially, and so to deprive them of their essential integrity. Thoughtful moral objections (not just knee-jerk reactions) to prostitution are almost always concerned with the well-being of the person who may be forced by circumstances into this activity, with no real choice or personal integrity, and with the exploitation of persons who may choose it without full knowledge of the professional risks of their choice.

 

You write: "My personality is to be open, friendly, attentive, and talkative with my clientelle, essentially making them- a demeanor that any professor of business would consider lacking in professionalism." May I suggest that this is not unprofessional in an escort, but the very essence of your profession. There is an art to the exchange of intimacy, and the most skilled escort will probe to see if the client wants to share himself, as that may be part of the experience he is looking for. If not, you need to know how to read the signs. Ask any of the great ones, and I'll bet they have a sixth sense (their gift) not only of the broad areas of their own lives they can share, but also how to sense those limits in others.

 

I apologize if this seems too "professorial" - but it is a real topic of great interest and practical application to many, and fascinating to me. A great topic!

[Guest dickhawaiikai]

Kamikaze483 started a great discussion and it’s hard to add anything to BgMstr4u’s thoughtful comments. I just want to quibble about the assumed business model with respect to other professions and services. I don’t agree that business and personal relationships have to be entirely separated from each other or that service providers disappear as distinct personalities.

 

I have excellent personal relationships with my dentist, my realtor, my barber, and others. I don’t think of any of them as just the embodiment of the service they provide. In each case they know quite a bit about me and I know quite a bit about them, one would be concerned if the other were sick, etc.—I’m not just talking about a superficially polite professional demeanor, and they could not be replaced by efficient smiling robots. I appreciate people who are open and warm and don’t think that makes them unprofessional. On the provider side, I’m a teacher and am friendly, open and attentive with my students. That hardly makes me unprofessional, nor does the fact that I really do care about them.

 

Of course the personal and the professional can sometimes conflict. I had a competent periodontist whom I really did not like as a person (he made homophobic remarks and bragged about his income constantly), so I found another equally competent but much more likeable one. I had an accountant for many years who became a close friend. When he became incompetent to manage my business affairs I had to go elsewhere of course, but did it in a way that kept our friendship.

 

Maybe the real difference is that in every business, professional or service relationship there are lines that shouldn’t be crossed and in almost every case that includes sexual intimacy. Doctors don’t (shouldn’t) have sex with their patients nor teachers with their students, etc. But the service that escorts provide is sexual intimacy (real or feigned), so it must be very difficult to find that line. I would imagine that faking intimacy would be hardest on oneself and agree with BgMstr4u that escorts who have a capacity for self-revelation that does not violate their inner integrity are probably not only the best in clients’ eyes but the only ones who can handle being an escort for a long period of time.

[Guest jeffOH]

Come this August, I will have been working as an escort for 10yrs.. I agree with most of what has been said thus far. I have

different levels of intimacy with my clients. It really depends

on the comfort level you feel with the client as to how much

you share of yourself. I do keep a "professional distance" with

most of my clients. There are clients,whom I have been seeing for

several years, who know me quite well. I've talked to them about:

being "mixed-state" manic-depressive, being an alcoholic and

quitting in '88, ex-boyfriends, goals for the future and even

spirituality.

 

Escorts, who last in this business, aren't usually the ones who

have a manufactured "escort personality". The really good escorts

allow their own personality to shine through. Granted there are

the "mechanical sex" clients who couldn't give two hoots as to

whether or not you have a personality, a brain or have an opinion

about anything. With them it is a service--they service my cock,

I fuck them...they pay me and they're gone. I don't feel like I'm

"faking" intimacy with my clients because I get off on seeing

the pleasure I'm giving. It's about them...not me. So many of my

clients have asked me if I'm enjoying myself as much as I appear

to be. I explain to them that, yes, I do enjoy myself, but

not in the same manner that they do. So my moans and groans are

real because I do just let go and "ride the wave".

 

 

I like hearing my client's stories...I am endlessly fascinated by

the variety of men I meet and I'm proud of my "chosen" profession.

 

Jeff4hire@aol.com

[BgMstr4u]

What an insightful response!

 

"I don’t agree that business and personal relationships have to be entirely separated from each other or that service providers disappear as distinct personalities." I did not in my analysis mean to imply that one cannot have a personal relationship with one's service providers -- of course, most truly human and competent service providers want their professional lives to exhibit some aspect of their personal lives, and many rewarding relationships may result! But as you say -- when the service begins to slide in some way, you will replace them. Which validates the basic insight about service providers.

 

Escorting by its nature depends on the personal extension of the escort. A guy who lets himself be used only for his physical attributes is allowing himself to be commodified -- which is fine if that is fine with him, but falls short of the potential which this profession holds.

[Guest WetDream]

What a great thread! And one with several thoughtful responses. After long consideration, it seems to me that the "professional" model that a good escort is closest to is that of the actor. And it is no wonder that the two are often referred to as the oldest and second oldest professions. With actors, the similarity is closest in the parts of the job that are hidden from the public; i.e., before the audience is invited in to see the performance. This is especially true during the audition process where the actor puts "himself" on the line. Not matter what the level of skill is, there are innate parts of his/her personality and physical appearance that are being judged and considered. And don't forget all of those old jokes about the "casting couch." If they are lucky enough to be hired, there is further exposure to the director and fellow cast members during the rehearsal process. Personal feelings, experiences and fears are tapped into and transformed to create the character written by the playwright and presented to a paying public. This manufactured personality (Hamlet, Blanche du Bois, or whomever) provides an "invisible progective shield" and give the performer the freedom to expose deep feelings to the people enganged in whatching him "act." This doesn't seem to far to me from a successful encounter with an escort where two strangers exchange intense, intimate behavior and get to know each other in a controlled environment. Acting ain't real life; escorts don't give real love (whatever "real" is). Both can be a great pleasure.

[buckguy]

Interesting thread because it speaks to things that might account for that elusive quality known as "chemistry" between escort and client. The other night I hired an escort who was attractive though different from my usual likes in men (more of a twink). It was nice, but not a home run. I might consider hiring him again, if I could figure what could make it better.

 

Afterward, I had to think what made it so "non-home run"...... His "type"----well, I'd seen pics and I think i knew what i was getting, although maybe the ege difference can be a barrier for both of us. I don't think it was it was the opening festivities---his questions were the usual (ever hired, are you gay, what do you like), although these could put off the most shy or inexperienced client, even though they have obvious utility. It would have been nice to help him off with his clothes, but that's not essential for me. Was it a control issue? Unlike a lot of escorts, I think he wanted me to tell him what he wanted, all the way---may be I wanted him to read me more and make it more spontaneous? Some guys might see that as poor customer service or a violation of their fantasy, but to me, it makes the situation more "normal" and less like "a hire"---but how do you explain that, especially if the escort's MO is to respond to customer requests? Other thing I thought was ---first time's often suck in real life, why should the expectations be so different with an escort---yes they provide a service, but no they don't read minds and they can't be the perfect fit for everyone. But it's damned difficult to spend a lot of meoney with that result.

 

To turn the original post on its side abit---what do escorts find helpful from clients in figuring out their needs and creating a good flow and a good time?

[Guest cp8036]

What a good question... "what do escorts find useful...".

 

Would be nice if the majority of escorts try to worry about this. I think a lot don't really try, or know how, to find out what the client likes or expects. The investment of a 5 minute phone call can really pay off with a satisfied client, clear understanding of what he will do, and adds a personal touch before the meeting. I would think it helps weed out some problem clients too.

 

I know are some very good ones that do make it a point to learn of the client. Assume they do very well, and can continue for some time in this business.

 

Early this year a guy I hired was very good about that. At first I was suspect of his relatively young age (26), and his club-kid looks. But, after a short email exchange he asked if he could call to find out more. We talked shortly, and think we both were more prepared for when we met. I was surprized he asked to call, but found in this site many good escorts will do that.

 

My most recent encounter did not try to communicate. His website and ads claimed to be friendly....upscale...personable and so on. His rate was very good too...250/hr. After I very short email swap, I confirmed a date and time, and asked that he call my phone to confirm his side, give hotel info, and just go over few things (limits, likes, tastes, expectation). He called after four days (day before date)to say he is confirming, and asked what else did I need to know. I said, "how about tell me something positive about you -- what makes you upscale" "what type of men do you prefer as clients..". He answered only that he likes nice guys, repeated some stats, and the rest we can talk about tomorrow.

 

Part of me said to cancel, as he sounded bad, but his pics and other reviews were very good. I guess I expected a bit more setup dialogue.

 

Were my expectations too high for just an hour appointment with a high priced date?