need advice.....finally have tried gay sex with escort....but.... (warning: a long story....read onl

[Guest JT]

Hi Peter,

 

I've been reading your postings and others' responses with great interest. Similar to you, I struggled with my sexuality before I got married. While I know my wife and I love each other dearly, I also feel that something "important" is missing in my life. To be honest, the reason you find me on this site is that I've been meeting escorts to try to fulfill my needs --- my needs to be intimately involved with another man, not only physically, but also emotionally and psychologically. In other words, I've been

unfaithful to my wife. So unless you are able to refrain from having extra-marital affairs with men and feel it's ok, I would suggest you to seriously consider calling off the wedding before it's too late. I just want to tell you that, based on my own experience, living with a double identity --- a married gay man (to a woman) is not something I would wish on anyone.

 

So please think very carefully before you make the next decision for it's a decision that both of you have to live with for the rest of your lives! I sincerely hope that you will find your true love, regardless of your final decision. :-)

 

With best wishes,

JT

[Guest Esc_Tracker]

Peter,

 

With all the respect I owe HooBoy and the other posters, I can't help but feel that they are working from a very Western understanding of marriage. Nonetheless, I hesitate to push you in a direction you obviously want to go in anyway, and I hope you will merely weigh my words in the mix instead of just latching on to them.

 

For what it's worth, if you have fully and honestly discussed your worries with your fiancee, and she tells you she doesn't mind your hiring male escorts to fulfill your sexual needs, than your marriage may well work out surprisingly well. Much of the world operates on the basis of arranged marriages where notions of romance are largely considered irrelevant. This, as you well know, is true for much of Asia. If your fiancee really is completely uninterested in sex, then your proposed arrangement may well suit her needs (ie. the social and affective benefits of marriage without any sexual obligations) as much as yours.

 

So long as you don't embarrass her in public, don't pursue your affairs in her house, and don't spend recklessly on escorts, she may even be willing to meet your other "partners" and possibly befriend some of them. She has clearly drawn the line at women, however, which should give you a good clue as to where her priorities lie. She is willing to keep you on a very loose leash so long as you don't make her lose face before her family, co-workers and friends.

 

I can't overemphasize your need to discuss this together fully and come up with a mutually acceptable outcome. Not every woman is interested in sex, and I am sure quite a number would leap at the chance of a sexless marriage in which they could still be treated with love and respect.

 

Esc-Tracker

[Guest peterlau]

the decision........

 

for the last 2 weeks, me and my fiancee have been having many discussions. Initially, we both think that if I love someone, I don't need to care if it is a boy or girl...so that even if I am gay, it is not really an issue.

 

but in the back of my mind, I still long for a day when I can have a love relationship with a man. Yes! I love my fiancee, but our love is not fully satisfactory. If it is totally satisfactory, why do I still hired an escort, cannot stop but watching gay pics, gay porn? and fantasize about men when I masturbate?

 

her reaction initially was homourous - thinking that it is just another 'phase' that I am going thru, because I always complain to her that I find life so boring - working, sleeping, marrying, etc...

 

But last night, I finally understand it all! Why I find life so boring? why I don't see much meaning in life? Because I am missing something....and this something my fiancee cannot give to me.

 

It was hard....but last night, we finally came to the same conclusion - we should cancel the wedding, and go our separate ways, but remain best friends.

 

She cried so much, that I feel so guilty, and not sure if I made the right decisin. Fearing that she cannot accept it, I feel totally an asshole for ruining her.

 

As for me, I did not cry at all....I just feel that finally I am reborn, that I finally can have the life that I truly want! that I can finally live a gay life.

 

This morning, she gathered herself, and called her parents. She told them the real reason - that I am gay...and I am fine wit hthat...I don't wanna her to lie anymore to anyone. She is now on her way to Ottawa, where her parents are.

 

As for me...I am still trying to reach my mom.

 

Please wish me good luck....

 

And thanks everyone for ur support.

[Boston Guy]

RE: the decision........

 

That sounds like it was really hard for you.

 

I wish you the best of luck... I suspect that when you think of this time many years from now you will think of it as a turning point in your life -- a day when you gave yourself the option to live a life in which you can be truly happy.

 

Good luck with your parents. This will probably be hard for them to understand and accept at first. Be patient with them and let them find their own way as well. It will all work out in the end.

[+ Charlie]

RE: the decision........

 

I think you have definitely made the right move, because you are finally being honest with yourself as well as with her. Better for her to feel hurt now than years from now when she has wasted more of her life on a relationship that cannot be successful.

 

Good luck and keep us posted on how your own life develops.

[Guest Tampa Yankee]

RE: the decision........

 

Peter,

 

Congratulations, from you own words it seems you made the right decsion... and while it is not always easy to do the right thing it is ususally best for all involved.

[Matt_Vancouver]

RE: the decision........

 

WOW, you've made a major step in your life, congrats.

Just some thoughts from someone who went through the same thinga few years ago.

1)it probably feels like a huge weight off of your shoulders, and you feel more alive than ever before, this will pass, unfortunatly.

2)you have some rocky times ahead for you. Some people will not care and be hapoy for you, others you will lose or have your freindships forever changed. Take it all in stride, it's going to happen, how you deal with it is up to you.

3)Accept that the gay 'community' is about being 'pretty' It's an unfortunte fact. It's all aobut pecs and a six pack. But in amongst all of the shallowness, there are some really great people, and you will probably develop freindships like you've never had in your life. (strong, healthy, honest freindships)

4)Your ex-fiance is going to love you one day, hate you the next, support your choice, then become bitter and hurtful. Again an unfortunate reality. You have too look at it from her perspective, you've decieved her, you've betrayed her, and you've probably shot her self esteem to hell. I would recomend some counsilling for her, even if she is an intelligent human being that realizes in her mind, that this is not about her, and it's not a choice you made, but a fact of life, there is still a part of her that is going to blame herself. (I wasn't enough woman, I turned him, I'm not worthy.....) But in time everything will iron itself out, and if you are meant to be friends, it will be.

5)realize that not everyone you tell, if you choose to tell anyone at all, is going to be ok with it. Understand that you've been struggling with this all of your life, you've worked through it, and look how long it took you to accept it. When you get to that point it becomes much easier to tell people, but understand that they need time to absorb it as well.

 

I paint a pretty dire picture. but in all honesty, coming out, to yourself or to people around you, is gratifying, you are being true to yourself. You have nothing to feel shamefull about. In time you will see it was the the hardest, but best decision you've made in your life.

Matt(should write self-help pop psychology books...IE Chicken soup for the gay mans soul)

http://go.to/mattsplace

matt_escort@yahoo.com

[Guest JT]

RE: the decision........

 

Hi Peter,

 

Congrats! There's not much I can add to BG, TY, Charlie and Matt's response other than my best wishes to you. It's great that you have the courage to be honest with yourself and the people around you. Like others have pointed out, there will be challenges ahead of you. If at any time you feel a need to get something off your chest, please feel free to come back and share with us. Judged from the responses you've got so far, there're lots of genuinely nice, caring and thoughful individuals here who may make your journey less lonely and perhaps a bit easier. Have a great and wonderful rebirth!

 

Best wishes.

JT

[Guest Gentle Dude]

RE: the decision........

 

Peter,

 

When I get settled in my new home in LA, the invitation still stands...my treat..Good-luck and I wish you all the best.

 

GD

[Guest jizzdepapi]

like a bird!!

 

good for you peter. no need to rehash earlier comments. you've been given good advice on this thread both before and after your decision.

 

one little point of clarification: i believe it was matt (too lazy to go re-read thread right now) who said that you had not made a choice. he's referring to the fact, i'm sure, that you ddin't make a choice to "be gay," but rather were just acknowledging what has been true about you from birth or shortly thereafter.

 

he's right about that but you DID recently make another choice, a very brave one indeed--you are out and you are free LIKE A BIRD!! so enjoy, go hang out in a gay cofee shop or go on a massive (but safe) fuck-a-thon or do anything very gay that you want to--just so you know you can.

 

i would profer one tiny little bit of advice. if you find, over the coming weeks or months, you are disturbed by breaking off your engagement, think about getting into a gay encounter group. you'll certainly be able to deal with this issue there and, besides, these groups can be great for dealing with any old issue about being gay that comes up. i joined one around 5 or 6 years after i came out and have always been grateful for the help i got there. in many ways, i tooks steps in/with that group that were a part of my initial coming out, albeit years later.

 

best of luck,

jizz

[Bilbo]

RE: like a bird!!

 

It might be better if you do not try to have a gay relationship for at least 6 months to a year. Go very slowly about that part. First of all, most people coming out of the closet go through a period of adjustment where they will have sex many, many times with many, many people. This is normal and to fight it might not be a good idea. Secondly, I have known very few relationships which were started "on the bounce" from another relationship which worked very well or very long. When you were a teenager, you had to learn how to function in society as a hetero person. Now you have to learn how to function as a gay person, so be gentle with yourself when you act a bit stupid. You are, in a way, a teenager again. (That is probably American-centric, but there is bound to be an analagous thing in your culture, n'est ce pas?)

[Guest Tampa Yankee]

RE: the decision........

 

Peter,

 

Takes Matt's words to heart, all of them... he speaks to you with truth and wisdom. And lest you have second thoughts...there are those of us who made the decision the other way and lived with it until we no longer could.

[Guest peterlau]

hi there.....I feel so lousy today....and now I am alone myself...

 

this morning I called a female friend today (she only knows that I cancel the wedding because I don't wanna commit to a relationship yet, not knowing that I am gay)...and I know from a girls' perspective, they would say I am so irresponsible, such an asshole to cancel the wedding so late. I asked her to scold me....and I just started crying on the phone.

 

This morning, my ex-fiancee called me. oh god....she is such a wonderful girl...I asked her how's her parents doing, and she said they are quite mad (and they know the true reason). And I told her that my mom is taking it really badly - that I am stupid to give up such a great girl, that I would regret later, that I would not able to face anyone.....and I cried again....

 

And my ex-fiancee kindly said, "don't worry, I will talk to you mom when I come back.' I now know why I have loved her for so long....she is just so considerate of me about everything....even at this satge, she even would volunteer to talk to my mom to soothe her.

 

******************

 

and Matt...u are right about feeling elated....but the elated feeling has already subsided - just the next day. And in fact, last night, I feel like high on drug, I dared to do anything, I felt like I am in fantasy land. You know what happned last night?....

 

I don't know....but u guys are right again...and Bilbo, u r right, last night I fantasize having sex with 'many, many times with many, many people'

 

I said to myself, I need to do something tonight, have sex, whatever, I felt to high. I chated on gay.com, and there was this guy '40 yo, white, muscular, handsome', as he claimed. And he seems nice chatting...so we meet last night.

 

When I saw him, I know he lied - he looks more like 55 yo, have a huge belly, may be muscular...not that I have anything against older men, just that he lied! But I don't care...I need to continue my adventure....and I need to just celebrate my first night of gay life! so I hop into his car...and he drove me to his apartment

 

I told him that I waana just chat at a coffe shop, but he insisted, said would not do anything to me...he seemed to nice, and I was so stupid.

 

so we went up, and he held my hand - I actually liked it! and he messaged me, and then one thing lead to another.....

 

I thought I enjoyed it, but at the same time, I felt like a zombie....I don't know what I was feeling.....just wanna do something ....

 

he kept telling me his 'fantasy' - watersport, fucking him, this and that...but I told him I cannot do them, for I am still scarred, and that I just cancelled my wedding....so all we did was hugging, he gave me BJ, mutual masturbation, kissing....but I loved it ... in the dark, u can fantasize about anything! I just need to hold on to someone masculine...who cares he is...

 

in the end, I took a shower, it was 12:30 am already....and he did not even offer to drive me back to subway...I had to walk 20 minutes in the dark..

 

I felt so being used....he seemed to nice and all...Matt, u r right again...'gay community' is all about being 'pretty', and people may just wanna sex, don't care about u.

 

When I went home last night, I chatted on line with a friend till 5:00 am....I could not sleep....I think I hated gay sex...I hate that old fucking lier. I thought I made the wrong decision - that I have been just dreaming that I am gay...

 

I for sure would not do that again - meeting people on chat just for sex....I hated it! I regretted it too...

 

thanks for listening again....I am meeting a friend now....and tonight....I just need to keep myself occupied, and not think about much....

[Guest Kevin 2]

Peter,

Thanks for keeping us imformed of whats going on. Like one of the other guys said fell free to continue coming to this site for advice and to air your feelings as needed during such as stressful time for you. As far as the guy you meet last night, unfortunely I have heard those kind of stories all to often (atleast he didn't stand you up) ;-) I guess I have been lucky so far with the FEW guys I have meet from online. Maybe its due to the fact I chat them to death before we meet...I figure if there still talking to me they will show up when we decide to meet. :-) Good luck in the furture.

[Guest AIM]

Peter,

 

It would seem that you learned a very good lesson last night. Over time, you will find that the gay community itself is a very diverse community. Although there are a lot of decent guys out there, there are an equal number (if not more) guys who will lie and cheat to get what they want. The guy you met last night obviously told you exactly what you wanted to hear and acted exactly the way he thought you wanted him to act so he could get what HE wanted.

 

I also have to point out that getting into a car with a stranger that you just met in a chat room and going to his place was very risky and even foolish. You were very lucky that the worst that happened was that you were disappointed, got your feelings hurt, and had a long walk home. It could have been much worse.

 

I know you're very eager to start enjoying the experiences of being a gay man, but slow down. It's obvious that you have been on a very emotional roller coaster which has made you pretty vulnerable right now. So stop; take a breath. Try and build a circle of gay friends that you can trust first. Then (with the help of your new friends) "ease" your way into gay life slowly. Otherwise, you're going to be setting yourself up for some major disappointments.

 

Good luck! :-)

[Guest Esc_Tracker]

Peter,

 

Honestly, I think you are moving waaaaay too fast here. The breaking up of your engagement is something you should have discussed with your girlfriend over several days, not in one catharthic tear-filled confessional. Having your girlfriend tell her parents that you are gay was really slaming the door shut with a bang. What will they think of you if after sober reflection you and your girlfriend decide to continue living together? I won't even get into what I think of your having gone out with the first web troll to chat you up. Slow down before you make a total wreak of your life.

 

Here are two sites I would recommend to you:

 

http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/4550/main.html and

 

http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/5580/index.html

 

Look into joining one or both of these groups and talk face to face with one of their counsellors. The fact that you have come to us like this is a courageous admission that you feel you need help working these things through. But I think you will find that the support groups associated with both these organizations are far more qualified to give you this kind of advice you need at this point than we are.

 

Good luck,

 

Esc-Tracker

[Guest cp8036]

Hi Peter,

 

So sorry to hear that the first date was a creep. I think most gay men will tell how hard things were when they first came out in the gay world. Please don't judge your future gay life by one fast sexual encounter, there will much better. But, is good you took steps be honest to your self and others.

 

The first guy I met seemed so nice, handsome, and interesting. My heart was pounding so hard. We met in a dance club, talked a bit, and then went to my place. We talked more, had some wine, and had sex. Afterwards we talked a bit about movies and he suggested we go to one soon. He said he would call soon. So I raced home after classes each day and waited for the phone to ring -- but no call ever came. I too, felt so used, and so alone. But, I learned very soon not to wait for a call .

 

I think the best thing (someone mentioned above) is to gain some good solid gay friends your age. Ones you don't sleep with. For me, the hardest part of being young and gay was not having other gay friends. My friends were all straight, there wasn't anyone I could totally open up to. I envy a group of gay teens hanging out together. Not sure if is easier to be a gay teen today, but seems to be with things like the internet.

 

My gay friends are the most dear people in my life, and the most consistent. I love my biological family, but my gay friends have become real family. Boyfriends come and go, straight friends get wrapped up in having kids, and sex tricks don't last long.

 

With all due respect to the working men here, I hope you don't focus all your contacts and sexual experiences and with escorts. This arrangement is very temporary and for convenience of both parties. While good many guys are nice and ethical for the given time, it is an illusion. Best to acquire friends for constant support and sharing of good times. They can even be means by which to meet potential dates.

 

Where were you last September??? I was in HKG !!!(and am a real 40 years old) Would have been nice to meet a new friend when I was there, and then you would have a new friend in San Francisco.

[Guest peterlau]

i am so exhausted now....tonight, i told my mom that i am gay - another big step for me!

 

me and my ex-fiancee met my mom at her house, told her everything....we hugged, we cried... i think i cried he most.

 

she was so supportive of me....she herself know that it is hard to find a loyal partner in gay relatinoship, and worries about me a lot - for i am always a loner, feeling sad and all....and now living alone may make things even worse.

 

and she cried so much for losing such nice daughter-in-law. her most regret is not able to have my ex-faincee as her daughter...she relly loved her! and think that it is a lost to our family that we lose such as nice wife and daugher.

 

it was really beautiful! thining about it...i feel so proud - that my mom and my ex-fiance are just as brave as i am to face the issues. i can remain such great friend with my ex, and my mom is still proud of me as a son!

[Boston Guy]

Congratulations! :-)

 

You are very lucky and I am happy for you. Thanks for keeping us informed.

[Guest AIM]

Peter,

 

You ARE a very lucky guy! :-)

[HooBoy]

Peter,

 

Good for you! There is something about most Mom's -- she probably already suspected, but nothing can take away her love for you.

 

Now you just have to learn to love and respect yourself. You're a cool guy, you're a smart guy and you're an honest man. Traits that are hard to come by.

 

There is someone special out there for you -- but not that creepo you fell in with. Like others have already said here, "slow down!" Rent a video. Maybe someone generous will rent you a Matt! :-)

 

I'm really impressed with the men here who have been advising you. I wish I had this kind of support when I came to grips with my sexuality. Thanks to you all and Peter, best wishes to you.

 

Love,

HooBoy

Email: HooBoy@male4malescorts.com

[Guest allansmith63]

RE: the decision........

 

Matt, my dear, I think that you should not consider a book title with "chicken" and "gay" in it.

 

Just a thought (and it was good to read/hear that advice all over again). Thanks.

 

Allan

[trilingual]

Peter, you've obviously been having some momentous experiences which lead to feeling strong emotions. You've taken steps that are going to change your life profoundly. Please consider finding a support group through local gay organizations. Also consider finding a professional counselor and/or a psychiatrist. From something you said, that you've been feeling sad for so long, it's possible you have clinical depression. Having been there and done that, I know how awful it can be. There's no need to suffer through that with all the terrific new anti-depressant medications available. You really should look into them, as they can help you feel less sad and return to feeling "normal." They can also help even out your feelings, so you're not bouncing back and forth from feeling OK one moment to feeling sad the next. Just be sure to talk with the doctor and tell him/her you DON'T want to try a medication that suppresses the libido (sex drive). Prozac can do that, and so can some others. Others, like Welbutrin, don't. But dealing with your depression, if that's what you have, will make your "coming out" period easier. You'll find yourself feeling less pressured and able to think more clearly about what steps you want to take next.

 

Along with all the other guys, I wish you much luck and happiness now that you've made this decision!