need advice.....finally have tried gay sex with escort....but.... (warning: a long story....read onl

[Guest AIM]

Hey guy,

 

You sound like you're a bisexual who leans gay. Most bisexuals are not the 50/50 variety -- most lean one way or the other and to varying degrees. And it also sounds like you've lived a basically "straight life style."

 

So many straight people think of being gay as just about behavior -- having sex with someone of the same gender. But that's not what makes one gay. There is a world of difference between being gay or straight and living a gay or straight life style. It comes from within; it's a state of being. It's not about a physical act.

 

As far as getting married. I think you should not just look at your feelings, but also those of the woman you're considering marrying. Would this be fair to her? Also, sit down and ask yourself why you want to get married. And, more importantly, why do you want to marry this particular woman? You might love her and care about her, but are you "in love" with her?

 

Are you wanting to get married because you feel that is what is expected of you? If so, don't do it. You CANNOT live your life for other people. You get just one chance to live your life so you must live it for yourself. And you don't want to be in your seventies looking back and wondering "what if."

 

And PLEASE think about her. I can't emphasize this enough. I have a very good female friend that unknowningly married a gay man who was determined to live a straight life -- and attempted to use her to do it. She was miserable. Although he is basically a pretty nice guy, I thought it was very unfair and especially selfish of him.

 

But whatever you decide, good luck to you.

[Guest peterlau]

hi.....here is my story - long...so please read only if you have time....

 

I am an Asian from HongKong (HK), age 26. Always dated girls, but only fantasize about men. Ever since I was a yonge boy, age 6-7, I cannot take my eyes off half naked sweating men jogging under HK's humid and 35 degree celcius climate. I just love to see muscles.

 

Around age 11-12, I remember I usually go to a swimming pool, not to swim, but to see the handsome muscular lifeguard, who is kind enough to teach me how to swim.....there was minimum body contact, but I was really thrilled to be talking to such beautiful hunk.

 

But I have never ever disclose this to my parents or family, for they would defintely freak out, and I am not even sure what they would do with me.

 

Then when I am older, I started dating girls, buy never men. Now, at age 26, I have finally found my true love.....a girl. We have been together for 6 yrs, and are getting married this coming August.

 

But before I get married, I have determined to go all the way to try gay sex....just to prove to myself that I am NOT gay afterall, that I just fantasize, but do not really live to be gay - just to get the peace of mind.

 

After a long time of deliberation, I finally took the courgae to meet an escort - today.....I was absolutely nervous!!

 

The experience was amazing. I always thought I would feel gross sucking another man's dick, with his sweat and all, and the smell....but I was absolutely turned on! Holding his sweating and smelling body....I feel I was in paradise. I just love lying on top of a muscular man, kissing him, licking his body, and just relax.....and feel him hold me like a baby....I just want that moment to stop....

 

But I was damn nervous....and I could not even stay there for the full hour. I just left about 35 minutes. Just feeling embarassed doing it with a stranger.....cannot even just lie there on his gorgeous body without having to worry that I should be doing something - such as licking or whatever to show that I am still excited. What would better then if he is my lover and I can just lie on him for 20 minutes with no talking....I am pathetic!

 

Even though the escort was really great in making me comfortable. In fact, if it is not the escort trying to make me relax, I thought I would not even have had orgasm but just leave cold. He is amazing!

 

But now......I am still even more confused: am I gay afterall?

 

I love having sex with the man, and a lot more than with a woman. So am I gay?

 

I have fallen in love with girls 4 times before, but never with man....so am I straight?

 

What am I then?

 

And what am I to do?

 

I have told my fiancee that I love fantasizing about men, and love to see muscular hunks. She knows that I went to Remington once (a gay strip joint in Toronto), and she knows I love watching Queer as Folk. She even knows I have downloaded tons of gay pics from the intenet....but she just thinks that is just my "special interest / hobby". and nothing more.

 

If I tell her what I did today - seeing an escort - our relationship would end just like that, after 6 years!

 

What do I want? I have never fallen for a man.....that's really wierd 'cause I am attracted very much physically to many men that I see on the street. I love having sex with man! May be I should meet more men the next month to really think through if I wanna get married? But how? and where?

 

and what am I?

[Guest Gentle Dude]

This is "deja vu" for me. I, too, am Asian and got married at the early age of 21 but sadly, the marriage lasted less than a year. I then struggled for years trying to live a straight life with several girlfriends, but really never found true happiness in any of those relationships. I diverted all my energy to work and my businesses. I tried to hide my "gay feelings" and twenty years later, I regret not coming out sooner.

 

My advise to you is to postpone your wedding and to sort out your feelings first. Only you will know whether your straight or gay and when you make that decision, then find the right person, man or woman, to spend your life with.

 

GD

[Guest Kevin 2]

>and what am I?<

Confused! But at one point we all were in your shoes. The reason you have never falling in love with a man is probably due to fact you have never acted on your feeling before. If you decide to tell your fiancee about what you did today be prepared for the worst! (Preceed with caution and lots of thought first) ;-) Good Luck in your decision.

[Boston Guy]

Hi Peter -

 

Welcome!

 

Boy, you've asked some tough questions! If you had a few months to experiment or weren't about to get married, it would be easy to suggest that you go out and spend some time with men to see what it is that makes you happy and what you want to do.

 

But you have so little time, that you're facing even more stress than someone might normally be when considering whether or not they were gay. I sympathize with what you are going through and I suspect many others here will as well.

 

Since you don't have lots of time, you may have to make some quick decisions. The first thing you've done is to acknowledge that you are attracted to men and enjoy fantasizing about them and, now, having sex with them. That's great, because it gives you a starting point. Some people might immediately say that yes, you're gay.

 

However, there are lots of people who really are bisexual. The terms gay and straight make it seem like its all black and white, but it's anything but. I tend to think that most people are mostly gay or mostly straight, but I've met more than a few that I thought were right in the middle, as well as some that I thought were as close to 100% gay or 100% straight as you be.

 

It sounds like you are either gay or bisexual. Please believe that whatever you is OK. Whatever and whoever you are, you possess inside of you the capacity to love and the ability to be happy. As you try to make your decisions, don't let worry or fear guide you. If you are mostly straight, you'll find a way to be happy. If you are mostly gay, then you'll find a way to be happy that way, too. But, no matter what you tell other people, it's really important that you be completely honest with yourself. Ask yourself the questions you want answers to and try to answer them as honestly as you can.

 

Marriage is theoretically a life-long commitment and marriage to a women will entail making some serious vows, including vows to love her and be faithful to her. Are you at a point in your life where you will be able to make those vows, honestly and openly and happily, and then keep them? If the answer to that question is no, or if you think there is a chance you don't really love this women (I know you said you do), then you owe it to her as well as yourself to be eally, really sure that you want to be married before proceeding. And don't let what other people (like your family or your fiancee or your friends) want confuse you: this is your life and you have to live it and you have to find the right decisions for you, no matter what anyone thinks is right.

 

The world has witnesses many unhappy marriages between gay men and straight women. But some gay guys have been able to maintain a marriage and a family and somehow keep their sanity. I'm not sure how -- perhaps some of them will respond here.

 

Remember that getting married is likely to change the rest of your life, especially if you envision having children early. If you are really gay, then you might want to really think seriously before proceeding. It's good that you've confided in your fiancee about your 'special hobby', but does she really understand the depth of your feelings. And can you be happy having sex with her? Will you be able to be the loving husband she deserves?

 

If the answer is yes, your choice is more difficult because you need to make a touch choice about whether or not to proceed with a marriage that might well bring you a great deal of happiness. But if you really think it's possible that you will not be able to fully love her, or fully commit to the marriage, then you might want to think about at least postponing it so you have more time to decide what it is you really want and what course your life should take.

 

I wish you well. Good luck.

[Guest Esc_Tracker]

Argh! Where to start? The short answer is "yes". You are gay, or at least bisexual.

 

The problem with labels like this is that they don't come close to describing the whole person, the whole you. You are also a product of your upbringing, your environment, your fears, hopes and loves. There isn't much point in pidgeon holing yourself and trying to convince yourself that you must do this because you are that.

 

Each person on this list may try to give you a different answer based on his own feelings and life experience. I will try to give you some based on yours, or what I perceive as yours. If you were only 18, I would say ditch the marriage idea, embrace your gay self, and come out to your mother. But you are not 18. You are 26 and sadly, while coming out might be the courageous thing to do, the cost is much higher. You have already invested a lot in your public profile and in your existing relationships.

 

The first thing to do is assess the nature of your feelings for your girlfriend. It sounds like she knows you are bisexual, but is confident of your affections. You have been together for 6 years, but you say nothing about the kind of relationship you enjoy with her. Have you had sex with her or have you just dated? Does your family approve of her? If they don't, then this might give you the basis for breaking off your relationship (cowardly and hypocritical, but then so are many of the alternatives).

 

In the best of all possible worlds (for you at least) she might still be willing to marry you even if you plan to continue having flings with guys. Much may depend on what it is exactly you need from your male partners and how she interprets it. If all you need is a form of muscle worship, she may not really consider that to be sex and may not feel threatened by it. On the other hand, you sucking a guy's dick or having anal sex might be too much for her to accept.

 

Unless you are willing to live a half celibate-life and deny yourself gay sex, you are going to have to talk it through with her. As she already knows you download erotic pictures of men, this would probably be a good place to start. Admit to her that you think you are bisexual and ask her how she would feel about it. Tell her you are confused about the implications for your marriage and that you want to reason it through with her because you trust her and her jugement. Assure her you still love her and that you want to go through with the marriage (if you do). Then see what she says.

 

Do not under any circumstances volunteer the fact that you have gone out and hired a male escort. But if she asks whether you have had sex with a man, answer truthfully. Say you have tried it once, that not much happened, that you enjoyed it, but that you are not sure what it meant.

 

Quite a few gay men marry and manage to stay essentially faithful to their wives. Some gay activists may look down at you if this is your choice, but it is *your* choice to make, not theirs. You have to live with yourself and the consequences, they don't. If you do decide you want to go through with the marriage, ask yourself if, having tried it, you can do without gay sex from now on. If the answer is "yes", just consider the escort thing to have been an exercise in self-discovery that doesn't have to be repeated.

 

If the answer is "no", and your future bride is not open to your occasional cuddling with men on the side, or to an occasional three way, I would have to say the prognosis for your marriage is poor. Even if you manage to stay faithful, you will be unhappy. Complete abstinence would be easier. If you fail to keep your vows, she *will* find out, your marriage *will* be over, and everyone you care about will end up knowing *every* intimate detail of your sex life. Don't do it.

 

Another thing I would not do is hire another escort until you have talked it through with your girlfriend. If you find the urge irresistable, and can't bring yourself to talk to her first, then you have your answer. Break off your engagement and cross over to the gay side. You can stay in the closet if you find it more comfortable (I certainly won't hold it against you), but don't try to fool yourself or a potential spouse.

 

Oh, and one last thing. You hired an escort. So write a review and send it in. It sounds like you were with a nice and understanding guy, and others may like to know who he is. ;-)

 

Esc-Tracker

[Guest allansmith63]

"The world has witnesses many unhappy marriages between gay men and straight women. But some gay guys have been able to maintain a marriage and a family and somehow keep their sanity. I'm not sure how -- perhaps some of them will respond here. "

 

Speaking from experience - don't get married until you know who you are and what you want. As a gay man who was married for almost 20 years to a wonderful woman - initially a happy marriage and the "gay stuff" stayed on the back burner for the first years. BUT...I found that at the point of any crisis in the relationship, any crisis I underwent myself...I asked myself what I was doing to "me" and consequently, to those around me by doing the "scratch and spit" to be a man. I was always attracted to men. My very first sexual fantasy was about a naked man - no idea what I would do to him, but he was there and naked. My desire for men was always always present.

 

For me, my turning point was a midlife crisis - the fact that my repressed sexuality was physically and mentally killing me - depression, anger, constant frustration, inability to communicate, negativity - (need I go on?)- was a constant.

 

Do I wish I'd never married? A tough question to answer. All I know is that in the very short time I've been separated (4 months) I've never known such peace and contentment, and above all, self-acceptance. If I hadn't married, I wouldn't have my children, but wonderful as they are, they were a huge complication in my leaving my marriage. They don't know I'm gay - a whole other issue for them to deal with.

 

If you decide you are gay...you will have trouble committing fully to your wife - there's always the "gay thing" in the background. It will be tough to pay full attention to her needs and desires - her rights, as your wife. Sometimes her major issues plain and simply won't interest you. It is difficult to hide in a marriage for a long time - particularly with children. The better you are at the hiding, the harder it is on your psyche.

 

Sorry, a long story to come to a quick conclusion: think, think, think. Be true to yourself. Trust me, it's better to end your relationship now than to discover in a few years that you can't be married any longer.

 

Best of luck, whatever your decision.

 

Allan

[Guest peterlau]

thanks all for your advice! I really am glad of the feedback you guys give me.

 

I think I need to explain a bit more about me and my fiance then....based on some of the points / questions raised.

 

I have had sex with her.....but only the first 2 years....she and me were virgins at that time. She did have sex with me just because mostly I asked for it, and she was curious about sex herself.

 

But after the first 2 years, we stopped. (yes....I live with her for 6 years, but have not had sex for 4 years already!) She just does not like to have sex....coming from a traditional Asian family, she 'thinks' it is not that appropriate to have sex before marriage. Which I think is just an excuse to comfort me....for I do think she does not like to have sex at all. She is very passive when we have sex, and we just had traditional virginal sex, no oral.

 

I know she as talked to a few friends about this....but her friends are also very traditional Asians....and all they says is "well....sex would be your duty when you becomes a man's wife. You just have to do it when you get married". But I think this is bullshit in 21 century, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEX ONLY IF YOU WANT TO...not about duty or anything.

 

The thing is my finacee is just sex cold....she does not like it. period! Now, she does not even like to french kiss.

 

When we get married, we are not planning to have any children - just we both feel we are not going to be good daddy and mommy - we just feel like we ourselves are children still. So, not having sex with her is no big deal for me.

 

So....after all then...why the hell do I marry her? Since we both do not want children?

 

Well.....her parents know me, and totally approve me...and they really like me.

 

And same with my mom.....she likes my finacee a lot (my parents are divourced...so my asshole dad is out of the picture)

 

My mom doesn't care if I get married or not, but my fiancee's family expects us to get married - after 6 yrs of living together, and she being 27 yrs old (27 yrs old and still not married is definitely not encourgaed in a traditional Asian family)

 

So...here I am...just getting married probably because I feel I need to.

 

The hope is....I have told my fiancee everything about my sexuality - except today's experience with gay sex - and she is perfectly fine.

 

Also, she stresses that if I do finally fall in love with a guy, just let her knows, and she can easily accept that - with no negative feelings or anything. We can just get divorced.

 

I just find the fact that we have been together for so long, and that I have never fallen for another man may mean that I am destined for her.....but the thing is I have never tried a gay relationship....so how can I know if I am truly destined to be with her? May be when I am in a gay relationship, I only then knows what love really is?

 

Do I love her? I think I do. Yes, I do.

 

I know I am an asshole....why did I not explore my sexuality earlier? why wait till 2 months before my wedding? why?

 

I just have been denying that I am gay for so long....and just resort to gay porn / gay pics...afraid to live a gay life...and not even knowing how to live a gay life...and can never even dream of telling anyone that I am gay....so how can I even start a gay relationship?

 

I guess my feeling is like this: I am perfectly living on Earth, and everything that I think I need is here. But I am always curious about life on Mars. But am ashamed to tell anyone. So no one is gonna show me how to get to Mars and try life there.

 

On the back of my mind, however, I think gay love is the most beautiful love of all. What else can surpass love between two of the same kind? If there is indeed a God, I have no idea why he creates man and woman....creating social problems like sexual ineqiality, gay / lesbian prejudice....creating all these 'classifications' of gay / straight / lesbian.

 

When I had sex with the man today, I felt like I am in heaven...I felt like I know exactly how he feels, and that he knows how I feel. I know he is an escort....so that's why it is all just 'I felt like'. I can imagine how 100 million times more wonderful it would be if he were my lover.

[Boston Guy]

None of us know anything other than what you tell us and it can be very hard to read between the lines.

 

But, honestly, it sounds like you are getting married because of outside pressure, instead of doing so because you really, really want to. If that is true, you may want to re-think this decision or at least postpone the marriage.

 

If you don't marry your fiancee, you will hurt her and her family. But if you do marry here and then discover you are gay, you will hurt them all much more.

 

There are much wiser people here than I. I hope they can help guide you through this.

[Guest peterlau]

what about those of you who is married, and is seeing escorts?

 

does your wife knows? how do you deal with the situation?

[Losgatan]

Peter,

 

I'm not married so can't give you any information from that prospective. But, perhaps, there's something you can related to in my own history.

 

As posted in the "coming out" thread here, I decided to tackle this issue during my Junior year in college. I so hated the idea that I might be gay that I went to the University's mental health clinic and asked them to refer me to a psychiatrist who "could cure me."

 

Much to my surprise, he ended up curing me of my homophobia and my need to become what my family expected of me. He certainly didn't cure me of my homosexuality.

 

I mention this to suggest that some professional advice might be helpful to you at this juncture. You could seek out a gay psychologist -- but a woman's perspective might even be more helpful, especially if she were Asian.

 

Another thing that you may have noticed from other posts here is that, now that you've had your first gay sexual experience, you're going to want to find out what it's like with many different guys. Virtually all of us go through this essentially adolescent phase when we first come out to ourselves (at whatever age).

 

Only when you're done experimenting will you be in a position to recognize "Mr. Right" when he finally comes along. And that may also take quite a while.

 

So, in my view, the best thing you could do during the next two months is see a professional. The rest is going to take a long time to play out.

[Guest AIM]

>Well.....her parents know me, and totally

>approve me...and they really like

>me.

 

Then send them Christmas cards at Christmas and post cards when on vacation.

 

 

>And same with my mom.....she likes

>my finacee a lot

 

Ditto for your girlfriend.

 

...but

>my fiancee's family expects us

>to get married - after

>6 yrs of living together,

>and she being 27 yrs

>old (27 yrs old and

>still not married is definitely

>not encourgaed in a traditional

>Asian family)

 

It's YOUR life. Not theirs.

 

>

>So...here I am...just getting married probably

>because I feel I need

>to.

 

DON'T get married. You'll be sorry.

 

>

>I just find the fact that

>we have been together for

>so long, and that I

>have never fallen for another

>man may mean that I

>am destined for her.....but the

>thing is I have never

>tried a gay relationship....so how

>can I know if I

>am truly destined to be

>with her? May be

>when I am in a

>gay relationship, I only then

>knows what love really is?

 

You are not destined to be with her. You just said it. You haven't even given yourself the opportunity to date a guy let alone fall in love with one.

 

>Do I love her? I

>think I do. Yes,

>I do.

 

If you have to debate with yourseld whether or not you love her, well ... you probably care about her a great deal. But it is doubtful you are in love with her.

 

>

>I know I am an asshole....why

>did I not explore my

>sexuality earlier? why wait

>till 2 months before my

>wedding? why?

 

You're not an asshole, but maybe your conscience is trying to tell you something.

 

>

>I just have been denying that

>I am gay for so

>long....and just resort to gay

>porn / gay pics...afraid to

>live a gay life...and not

>even knowing how to live

>a gay life...and can never

>even dream of telling anyone

>that I am gay....so how

>can I even start a

>gay relationship?

 

It doesn't happen overnight. You start with baby steps. And it sounds like you just took your first step today in exploring your true feelings. So don't stop now.

 

>

>I guess my feeling is like

>this: I am perfectly living

>on Earth, and everything that

>I think I need is

>here. But I am

>always curious about life on

>Mars. But am ashamed

>to tell anyone. So

>no one is gonna show

>me how to get to

>Mars and try life there.

 

You're actually a pretty smart guy. I was "out" for several years before I realized that most gay men ARE from Mars.

[trilingual]

It's difficult to know with certainty what kind of advice to give you, because most of us aren't Hong Kong Chinese and don't understand clearly the particular cultural milieu in which you're experiencing this critical point in your life. Some things are the same in any culture, though, and your feelings, now that you've experienced sex with another man (even if he was an escort) make it clear that you are much more attracted to men than you are to women. At the very least, postpone the marriage until you're sure of what you want to do. You've known your fiancee for a long time and I'm sure you don't want to hurt her, but that's the likely outcome if you get married knowing that what you really want is a relationship with a man. Your fiancee may not realize how painful a divorce can actually be. There are also practical matters to consider, as you could find yourself with big problems financially as the result of a divorce.

 

I wouldn't let the fact that your fiancee is now "old" for marriage purposes by traditional Chinese standards be an excuse to go ahead with the marriage. Your fiancee is obviously quite a modern woman if she has been living with you unmarried all this time. In modern society, even in Hong Kong, 27 isn't that old. However, if you marry her now, and then divorce many years later, she will be "old" and you will have greatly diminished her chances to find a man who genuinely finds her desirable.

 

Also, the fact that neither of you is interested in having children, added to your strong attraction towards men, also argues against going ahead. What you have is a close friendship with this woman, but you don't need to be married to her to be her friend.

 

Only you can make a decision, but I hope all of these comments will give you some things on which to reflect. I know there are gay organizations in Hong Kong. I suggest you contact them to get the names of some gay or gay-friendly counselors that you can meet with to discuss these issues in depth. You are at a real cross-road in your life, and a good counselor can help you sort through the conflicts you are feeling so you can make decisions that you know are right. Whatever you decide, I know we all wish you great good fortune!

[Guest Gentle Dude]

Peter,

 

I truly can emphatize with the struggles you are going through right now, my friend. A number of my ex-girfriends were of Chinese heritage and I am also part Chinese. Three years later after my first failed marriage, I found this girl here in the States. At the time, we were both 25 years old. We dated and after living together for a year, I proposed to her and we did plan for a big wedding. She would have been a truly perfect wife by Asian tradition. She was willing to please me in every way she can and like your girlfriend, sex was something she viewed to be her duty as my wife to be. I was struggling with my sexuality then and six months prior, I decided to cancel the wedding. Needless to say, both our families were devastated. I did not tell her I was gay at the time and she thought that I was seeing another woman. We both cried when we parted and letting her go was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make in my life. Much as I loved her, in good conscience, I could not subject her to a life of pretense while I struggled with my sexuality. We parted as friends and three years later she got married and I was even invited to her wedding; however, I did not attend. Last year we met at a party given by a mutual friend. She was with her two children and is very happy with her married life. Now as I look back, I know that I made the right decision. Sometimes, if you love someone, the best thing you can do, is to let go. As I have now come to terms with my sexuality, I hope that someday I do find the right man I can spend the rest of my life with. In the meantime, I plan to play the fields and hire as many escorts as I can to make up for lost time.

 

I wish you all the best, Peter, and good luck.

 

GD

[Guest regulation]

I can only give you two pieces of advice.

 

First, don't deceive someone with whom you have a relationship of trust. It's wrong. Don't marry someone who is consenting to the wedding only because she has a false impression of who you really are and what you really want. And if you do marry, don't deceive your wife by having other sexual relationships that she doesn't know about and wouldn't approve of. This can only lead to unhappiness for both of you. It's perfectly understandable to be confused about one's sexuality. But that's not an excuse to deceive people who trust you.

 

Second, don't rely on the advice you get from an internet message board for making decisions like this. In almost every major city there are counselors who are actually qualified to help people with problems like yours. Go see one. And take your fiance with you.

[+ Charlie]

"Gay" and "straight" are arbitrary categories into which other people try to push us so they can make sense of us; unfortunately, we also try to do the same to ourselves, and thereby diminish our ability to explore our potential thoroughly. Stop worrying about which standardized "identity" you possess.

 

You say that you love this girl, you have lived with her for six years (longer than the average "gay" relationship), and you have apparently discussed a lot of pretty intimate stuff with her. The fact that she knows about your fascination with men, doesn't seem to want to have sex with you despite your domestic relationship, and still wants to marry you, says to me that she may be the right woman for you, and you are probably the right man for her. Of course, if she misperceives your actual feelings and thinks you will change as soon as you are officially married (many women do have such a fantasy about men they love), then you are the wrong man for her, because you are not going to change. You are going to want more and more sexual experiences with men.

 

Many homosexual men do not want a love relationship with another man: sexual desire and love do not go together automatically, no matter what popular culture may tell us. You may be quite happy with the right woman as a love partner and other men as sex partners. However, it is a very tricky business to manage, and there is enormous potential for damage to all concerned. If your girlfriend is susceptible to pressure to marry, she will probably also be susceptible to pressure to have children, and that's when it really becomes difficult. I agree with those who say that it's your life to lead, but your decisions will affect--have already affected--others' lives in serious ways, and you must be prepared to take responsibility for that.

 

Don't get married until (1) you have had more sexual experiences with men--preferably not escorts, and (2) you have been TOTALLY honest with you girlfriend about those experiences and what they meant to you.

[Bilbo]

This is a really off base question, and forgive me for asking it, but is there any chance that your fiance is as bisexual as you are and actually leans towards sex with women? (Please check out the thread on sexless gay marriages, as well.) I do know a couple which is fairly happily married where the man is gay and the woman is a lesbian. He does have some trouble because almost all gay men are not going to seriously consider going into an open relationship with a man whose wife would know about it and not object. I wish it were otherwise, since lying is the great causer of problems. On that, I totally agree with Reg. So do not count on ever finding the great true male love of your life if you do marry, even with her encouragement. My female friend is celebate - She had a previous relationship with an abusive female. So those problems aren't reciprocated. However, he has just accepted himself as a bear recently and as was pointed out above, gay sex self acceptance of any kind is often accompanied by what might be called a free whore period where you'll sleep with almost anyone at least once. (Hey, it builds community!) She does worry about him since she can't preapprove all of his playmates. Will he get robbed/mugged? Will he come home with parasites or diseases? etc. I also heard many years ago of a woman who was married to a gay porn star and their agreement was that he could sleep with as many other men as he wanted, even have them living in their home at times, but if she ever caught him having sex with another woman, she'd cut his balls off. That seemed to work, too.

[Guest 7Zach]

Everyone has given much more thoughful responses than I can.

That said, don't get married: ur under too much stress right now, ur attracted to women, u haven't discussed this with ur wife, and I would imagine, having lived in Hong Kong, that u and ur are under tremendous pressure from the families and ur wife to get married. Two months prior to the marriage is not enough time for ur wife to digest all this, and for the two of u to make an informed decision.

Re: the bisexual, gay issue, clearly bisexual, as I have been all my life, but I found that bisexuality is certainly disparaged by all groups. But hey, we want to fuck the whole world!

What are ur fantasies when masturbating, that's a pretty clear answer for where u r, and certainly, where u r now. I just think this hole ur digging is only to get worse, and it's ea whole lot easier to postpone ANY decision right now than it will be after the marriage. And I don't really think anyone with any perception will buy into the idea that u've merely a "special interest" in the pics, etc.

Why do u want to put urself through this? to please the fiance? the families?

And no one else has addressed one big issue: I am firm in my thinking that 26 is too young for a man to get married in the first place unless the parties are more mature and settled than the average. You go through too many changes between now and ur early 30s to be able to have a true sense of who u r and where ur going.

Best of luck. But I think it is clearly a big mistake.

[Guest Tampa Yankee]

I don't pretend to know enough to make a recommendation, but I do know thing:

 

It is MUCH easier to straighten out one's life BEFORE it is totally messed up. So, don't run in any direction -- take the time you need to search for your own answers. You are playing a high stakes game, not only with your own life but also your fiancee's. And if you end up marrying out of a sense of duty to her, your family, whomever... you have only postponed and increased the severity of the hurt to be endured by her and by yourself.

 

So take whatever time you need and be as sure as you can... do not act on something of this gravity when in doubt... and doubt is absence of conviction.

 

Good luck.

[Guest allansmith63]

...sorry, guy - given the additional info you gave above, run like hell..

 

...had to get it off my chest, sorry, ex-wives can drive one absofuckinglutely crazy...

 

Allan

[Guest dickhawaiikai]

Peter,

 

You’ve touched people here and everyone has tried to respond to you as wisely as they can, reflecting on their own experiences, realizing that no one can say that what was right for them would be right for you, and sometimes not knowing if the path they took was right for themselves either. Me too. I got married at 22 for about the same reasons you are thinking about. It was expected; everyone approved; I loved her (although I was not in love with her); and although I had deep yearnings to be with a man I thought that was something I would never have. I didn’t hide anything. She knew that I was in love with my best friend (he was straight and we never had sex) and knew that I had sex with one guy a year before we got married (an experiment like yours, except that the guy I experimented with wasn’t at all attractive to me and a week later I had a painful sexually transmitted disease). She accepted all that, although it turned out that she thought (hoped) I’d get over those gay feelings. We were married for 15 years, mostly happily, sometimes not, and we finally divorced because I knew for sure that I wanted to be with a man and couldn’t take the frustration anymore. Everyone was getting divorced then –out of six brothers and sisters who married at about the same time, only one is still married to the same person. My ex-wife was very bitter for a long time, but once she remarried (thank God!) she stopped hating men and we gradually became friends again.

 

Was I wrong to marry? In spite of all the good things we shared (including a son, now grown, who is the apple of my eye), with the benefit of hindsight I think it was indeed wrong. Not judging you here, only myself, what I thought at the time was self-denial was actually a very selfish act.

 

Almost everyone here is advising you either to not get married at all or to postpone it until you know yourself better. I agree. Less than 24 hours ago you had your first sexual experience with a man and you felt like you were in heaven, whereas you don’t have any interest at all in sex with your fiancée or any other woman. You haven’t met a guy yet you’ve fallen in love with yet, but you imagine that gay love is the most beautiful love of all. This is way beyond a bi-curious visit to a bar, and it’s way beyond what you have been honest about with your fiancée.

 

Several folks have suggested that you should see a counselor (perhaps one who is gay, perhaps a woman, perhaps with your fiancée). That’s probably a good idea, and maybe the line of “we’re have some issues that we’re trying to work out with professional help” would be good cover for both you and your fiancée as you first postpone and (perhaps) later cancel the wedding plans. Expect some rough spots. You said in your first post that if you told her what happened today your relationship would end just like that. She might judge you pretty harshly for leading her on for six years. But how much worse if she makes that judgment after a lifetime!

[Guest peterlau]

I am very moved....thanks so much for sharing your private experience and thoughts!

 

I am actually very surprised! For some reason, I have always had this impression that the Western culture, especially Western gay culture is very open. I have heard 'Western adult entertainment' like swinging partners (swapping wife, for example)...and since I have seen some of the reviewers describe themselves as 'bi-sexual, married'...I thought that most of the users of this site can somehow help me rationalize getting married and still have an active but secret gay sex life...

 

Thanks a million...for you guys bring me back down to earth! I guess I was posting here mainly looking for recognition that 'it is ok' to 'cheat on your wife'...but you guys remind me that it is absolutely NOT OK!

 

The invitations are out already! Damn....why did I wait till so late...if I had known this web site earlier, if I had met the wonderful escort earlier, if I did have the courage to admit to myself that I am gay afterall, and just go with my basic instinct, rather than lying to both myself and my fiancee.

 

It would be tough to call off the wedding at this moment...I think the trouble is I did talk to my fiancee already about the fact that I really worry that I am gay...and that I would one day may fall in love with a guy...and I did not even gaurantee her that I would be in love with her forever....but either she is very naive, or childish, or just too optimistic...all she says is "well....if that happen, it happens...nothing can stop you from falling in love with another person. But just make sure it is a man that you fall in love with, or if it is a woman, I will be damn mad!"

 

I think in the back of her mind, she accepts the risk of me falling for another man....but not falling for another woman. To comfort myself....I am thinking that may be afterall...any marriage is risky - how can you gaurantee that you would be able to commit to someone for life? may be me and my fiancee are taking calculated risks...knowing the risks...and dive into the pool?

 

I guess after reading all your valuable advices, I am still just a stubborn asshole - thinking that I can get away with having it all - a lovely wife and great gay sex life...wow...that would be perfect but of course, would be very selfish!

 

well....I guess writing these thoughts out does help me to think it through myself....and thanks a lot for taking such valuable time reading them all. I need some time to really think how to talk to my fiancee....so she can re-think our marriage, not considering the embarassement of cancelling the wedding. But I know she would hate me forever, for cancelling the wedding last minute...I guess I still prefer getting married, falling for a man, then divource...for she promised there would be no bitterness. But may be that's just a dream...?

 

by the way, to answer Bilbo's question...my fiancee definitely not a bi-sexual....in fact, I think she is just not interested in sex at all...

[HooBoy]

Peter,

 

If you go through with this because "invitations are out" you are going to ruin not only your life, but her life as well.

 

The same thing happened to me. I know.

 

HooBoy

Email: HooBoy@male4malescorts.com

[Guest Tampa Yankee]

Peter,

 

Read again my post above -- the middle paragraph.

[Guest Theron]

Hi, Peter -- BIG SMILE :-)

 

Thank you for sharing your feelings and experience with us. I have a great many things I would like to tell you, but many of them have been covered by others, so I will be brief.

 

I realize you feel like what is happening to you may be unique --it isn't, though. I feel you have been in denial about your sexuality for a long time, as many of us were.

 

It is more difficult for some, than others, to face their sexual orientation. The prospect of being different, and possibly letting down people who love us is always difficult.

 

Still, the people who really love you do want you to be happy, and if they don't they probably never really loved you in the first place. If you do marry this girl, you will not be the first person to have done something like that. Experience shows that it does not work out, and in doing so you only further depress your own life, and later really hurt someone else with your deception.

 

I realize this will be difficult, but my advice to you is simply stop this before any further damage is done. You are strong enough to face what lies ahead as a gay man, and there are resrouces availabe to help you, if you need them.

 

Very best of luck to you.

 

BIG HUGS,

 

 

Theron

Based Out of Chicago

http://theronb.homestead.com/files/home.html