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The End of Sex


Guest Monopolizer
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Guest Monopolizer

I am relatively new to gay relationships, but was wondering why and how does the physical relationship with someone you love, someone you initally were very passionate about, diminish or even disappear. Is it just chemistry initially and then loving friendship takes it's place?

 

It must be difficult telling the man you love that you don't want to have much sex with him any more, or even worse, to discuss/negotiate an open relationship. I am sure some relationships cannot survive such a discussion.

 

I suppose we are biologically driven to seek sex with other partners while our romantic hearts and minds take a back seat and let the beast drive us around.

 

How has the group handled these phases?

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Guest ChicagoCorey

I can't speak for all people, couples, or situations, but I think this happens for many gay men (and men in general) not just because we aren't "wired" for monogamy biologically, but because, the way society nurtures us, we aren't raised to love the person we're having sex with. In other words, when you start to deeply commit to someone you're having sex with, it's hard to still think of them in a sexual way. Part of the sex is the mystery and when the mystery's gone, there's often nothing left, for some guys, to take the place sexually. But, of course, when you know someone and love someone, you don't want to give up what you have.

 

And you shouldn't. There's a lot more to a good relationship than sex. And if the only way you can see to keep that relationship is to explore the boundaries, I say more power to you if you're open and honest with your partner. If both sides are in real happy agreement (rather than one just giving in to please or "try to hang onto" the other), I think any number of "open" relationship options can happen.

 

Try threesomes, try escorts, or just try talking about it. I'm always shocked how many guys stop thinking of their partner as a sexual creature as soon as they hook-up. I think part of the fun of dating a guy is that you're both attracted to the same thing -- so not only do you dig each other, but you can comment on (and maybe pick-up if you're relationship goes this way) other guys. Even just window shopping and talking about shared attraction or interest can pick up the sex life between two people.

 

In other words, just because the sex may wane doesn't mean it's gone for good. If a relationship is worth saving, it's worth working on.

 

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Guest Nocturnal

I don't see that as the End of Sex. What I see is the beginning of a good experience. Sex is great and is important. However, I wouldn't get into a long term releationship with someone just because they are great in bed. I have been in many relationships that I lost the initial attraction that I had for the person. Don't get me wrong. I was still attracted to the person but the amount of passion wasn't there like it was in the beginning. Yet, the intimacy continues to grow with that person. I love having sex with my lover more than anyone on the face of the earth. It isn't because the sex is so good. It is because the love is so good. The sex aint bad either. :) But, we have found ways to keep things interesting. For example, maybe one week he comes home from a long day and I have two beautiful young boys waiting for him to massage him and then have a fourway with us. (Yes, escorts silly). Or, maybe I rent a room at a hotel and spend a night in a different environment. Or, maybe we agree to spend a week seperately on vacations in different areas and are allowed to fool around whereever we go. Different things work for different people. These are some things that work for me. Sex is great when you see that cute boy in a bar and work hard to get him to come home with you. But, it can even be better when that cute boy is the lover you have known for years and the working hard isn't trying to pick him up at a bar but trying to make him happy keep the sex interesting and stimulating.

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WARNING: The following post could be taken as too corny for the average person. Proceed at your own risk.

 

I have thought of this issue so much over the years. I think it actually boils down to what your priorities are:

(1) The seduction, nervousness, anticipation, and excitement of having sex with someone new, or

(2) the love, warmth, security, and companinship that being with someone that you are IN LOVE with brings (and many more things than can't be put into words).

 

First keep in mind that their is a huge difference between lust and love. There's even a bigger difference between loving someone and being IN LOVE with someone. I actually feel that the vast majority of people go through their entire lives without ever being IN LOVE.

 

This is how I look at it: If you like or even care about your partner, your priority will be #1. If you love your partner, your priority will eventually still be #1. But if you are ever fortunate enough to be IN LOVE with someone, your priority will always be #2 for you won't even be able to comprehend being with anyone other than your partner.

 

And this is just my corny opinion. :-)

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I would endorse everything that Corey says, and add something else. We all grow and change over time, and our sexual interests can change as well--I'm not talking about who we are attracted to but about what we enjoy doing. My lover and I started out in a nice vanilla sexual relationship, but as the years and decades passed, we each became intrigued by kinkier things; however, they were not the same kinky things. (One might also argue that we always had these inclinations but weren't secure enough to pursue them until we felt solidly grounded in a love relationship.) We simply are not turned on by one another's new interests. Since we were/are both satisfied with our emotional relationship, we didn't want to break up simply to find new sex partners. That is why my sex life for a number of years has been mostly with escorts and his is with a fetish group, while our domestic relationship is with someone with whom we are no longer interested in having sex, even though I love him totally, and would become permanently celibate rather than leave him.

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As someone who has been in a loving relationship for over 30 years, I can attest to the fact that "Sex" is perhaps the least important thing in a relationship.

 

Sex is exciting, but we seem to be wired to enjoy sex as a new, mysterious, anticipatory activity.

 

I have seen lots of couples break up because one or the other has become involved with a newer (read that sexually exciting) partner. More fools they.

 

The important thing is mutual respect between two people. A sense of joy in enjoying each other and the discovery of another point of view. We both see more because we are two sets of eyes.

 

It was a hard road to the acceptance that neither of us wanted sex anymore with the other one. Experimentation - three-ways, benign affairs and furtive meetings all led us to the place that we agreed that we wanted to be with each other in spite of no sex between us.

 

The arrangement eventually settled down to that we would never use time we could be spending together to have sex with someone. Also affairs were out....it is not respectful of your partner. When we travel seperatly or together we use escorts. We try to arrange our schedules so that each of us does have some time for ourselves where we can play.

 

Oddly, when we are in foreign cities we may even go to "houses" together. One time we even went back so that the other one could experience the great time we each had had and switched partners.

 

In essence, if a relationship is built on love, respect and enjoyment of each other, there is no reason to end it simply because you don't turn each other on anymore.

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And don't forget the sense of humor. It is often more important to be able to laugh together than to cum together. (And how about that perfect scratch on the back which some days is much more orgasmic than anything your dick could do?)

 

Heteros have joked for years about this situation. Perhaps we are just starting to find a fund of gay jokes to help each other through it because we are just starting to really pay attention to long term gay relationships. Note the push towards domestic partnerships and civil marriages.

 

And, if I remember correctly, the Metropolitan Community Churches call this stage of relationship, where the sex has cooled but the love hasn't, "constancy". If this transition is causing problemos, perhaps it would help to talk to one of their ministers?

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When the sex ends...get out fast...

 

or else face.....

 

Endless He said/She said fights,

Countless cold nights in bed alone,

Rampant destruction of prized possessions,

Complete annihilation of all self-esteem,

Weeks of controlling and manipulative behavior,

Ridiculous horror stories about how bad it is "out there alone",

Months of making a fool of yourself trying to "spice it up",

(no man wears flavored underwear until his relationship is already in the trashcan)

Tiresome campaigning with friends to convince them that this is all "his fault",

and certainly you can't break up until you've completed a complete cycle of Couples Therapy Hell.

(I'll save you $20,000 and one year of your life....it's all his mother's fault).

 

So stay if you want...but if the door is open, I say run like hell!

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NYCMAN - what a sad statement you have made. What you will miss

can never be compensated for with sex.

 

Your view is skewed, but good luck to you.

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nycman, your response sounds like the result of some bitter personal experience, but your perspective makes sense only if the sex is the only reason for the relationship. Of course, many relationships start only because of good sex, which is not a solid foundation to build on, and in that case it probably is a good idea to cut your losses as soon as the good sex stops.

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I think you guys took my post a little

too seriously . Humor on internet

sites often goes astray. Re-reading

my post I realize that it sounds like a

bitter queen. It wasn't meant to. Yes,

it contains grains of truth...but it

was meant to be funny....not real advice

for living a happy life.

 

Sorry for the confusion.

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