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Would you tell Mom and Dad?

Rod Hagen

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I called into 98.7 (Jammie White and Danny Bonaduce) this morning. They were talking about prostitutes and Danny guessed that 80% of men have hired hookers at sometime in their live. I know it's a lot less than that (but enought to keep me in furs) so I called to tell them that; I called as 'Chris' not Rod. I told them what I do, and was about to correct Danny when Jammie, whom I love, jumped in and asked me if I am ashamed of what I do (since I sound so normal and was college educated and all that). Of course I said I was not. She then said "ok, lets call your parents right now and tell them what you do, if you haven't already. If you're not ashamed that shouldn't be a problem." I admitted that I was not willing to do that, she said you must be ashamed. I tried to argue that people don't tell their parents everything, but that was a losing position since she tells the entire world EVERYTHING.


She said "shame on you" a few times, and Danny, who doesn't have a problem with prostitutes, said "She's got you there." They then hung up on me pretty quickly to move on to less shameful callers, before I could remind her that lots of gays are afraid to tell people that they are gay, and does that mean by extension that they are 'wrong' to be gay? But I know the answer to that already. The difference is that choosing to be an 'escort' or choosing to be a 'client' who hires 'escorts' is a choice. Being gay is not. SO, whether or not you are ashamed to be gay it doesn't change the fact that you are. The same can not be said of the prostitution gig. Deep stuff for a morning radio fluff show.


My question to some of you: who do you tell that you hire escorts or that you are an escort and why, and what prevents you from telling others? Is it shame?




Fun, Fit, Friendly in West Hollywood/Los Angeles and Southern California

RH--RentMen         RH-Website           RH-MassageAd            My 100+ Gushing Reviews     Email: [email protected]

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Guest regulation


>My question to some of you:

> who do you

>tell that you hire escorts

>or that you are an

>escort and why, and what

>prevents you from telling others?

> Is it shame?




There was a similar thread not long ago started by FFF, and I read it with interest. Someone made the point that there's a slight difference between telling people that you are an escort and telling people that you hire escorts. Most people consider the details of their sex lives to be private. It's not something one normally discusses with one's parents or even with most of the people one knows socially. One's occupation, on the other hand, is a subject most people are prepared to talk about even with complete strangers, let alone their family members.


I think there may be a number of reasons why escorts wouldn't want to talk about what they do with their parents other than shame. But that is for them rather than for me to say.

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The only person who knows that I hire escorts is my wife (yes, I am married and "out" with my wife). She knows that I hire escorts to achieve the male bonding and sexual release that I need and this is the only variety of extra-marital relationships that I have. I am not ashamed at all that I see escorts and view the individuals that I meet with the utmost respect as well as the "profession" of which they are a part. I do not discuss this activity with others because I have generally found that most of society does not share this opinion of escorts and their profession and I really do not see the need to engage in arguments with others about it. Unfortunately most of society today still thinks of escorts (or prostitutes as they are generally named) as disease-ridden, drug-using whores who frequent the sleazier parts of town and have no social redeeming value. And yes these individuals do exist as the street hustler variety today. Unfortunately, the professional, clean, educated guys that most of us employ are lumped into the same category by the general public. Until such time that distinctions become common knowledge, I feel that the social stigma that you describe, Rod, will always be present.

At least I am happy to know that I am cognizant of one of today's best kept secrets (that there is a world of wonderful escorts available) and enjoy being part of the inner circle of clients and professional providers.

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Do I tell people that I hire male escorts? No! Am I ashamed that I do? No! But I am practical. In a world where what I do is both illegal and frowned upon by the majority, I prefer to keep the comforts of my existence (and therefore the means to keep up my very expensive but pleasurable habit). I don't feel that escorts should be ashamed of what they do either. I really like and care about a lot of the escorts that I hire. But I certainly don't think it is practical for them to tell many people about what they do either. It is not shame that keeps this confidential... it is common sense.

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One of my closest friends started as an escort/client relationship so he most certainly knows I hire them. He's even pointed out to me guys that he thinks I'll like. (And he's been right every time.)


Only one other friend (aside from my close friends here) knows I hire escorts. And that's because it happened to come up during a porn event we recently attended together. I rarely discuss my sex life with friends. ;-)


I'm certainly not ashamed of it. But there are people who certainly think I should be. I see no reason to trouble their little minds with that little intimate detail. ;-) As far as telling parents what you do for a living, the same rule applies. I've certainly "glamorized" job descriptions when telling my folks about them to make them more palatable.

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I tell almost all of my "real" friends that I hire escorts. I have brought most of my friends to Montreal for my adventure weekends. Sometimes I go to see the "dancing boys" and my friend either join me, or they off to the bars or the saunas. We re-convene in the morning to share stories.


I believe in the addage that "You are only as sick as your secrets". If my good friends know what I do, they will also let me know when I am in danger or when I am going overboard, or if I were doing things for the wrong reasons. I am very happy that I have many friends that I can share my life with, accompanied by all of its proclivities.


When I say "real" friends, I am distinguishing from casual friends and work friends, who don't need to know the details of my personal life.


No, I haven't told my parents all of the details of my weekends in New York or Montreal. But I haven't ever discussed with them that I am gay. We are Irish, and we just don't discuss these things. Everyone knows, but no one ever says anything. Its a wierd kind of cultural thing.


But I am not ashamed of what I do, and I talk about it with my "real" friends all the time. Some think that it is weird and unnecessary ("You don't have to pay for it"), some are envious ("If I had more money"), some have different sexual habits, and I respect theirs and they respect mine. Many of my friends enjoy the baths, but that is something I could not envision doing. To each, his own.


Interesting topic though.

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>I highly recommend KCRW 89.9

>for all the Angelenos out



Oh, I just can't forgive KCRW for their obnoxious and unwarranted Pre-movie theater ads. The ads are devoid of any creative 'juice' and I resent the intrusion. It's the same reason I do not read "Calendar" in the unlikely event that I actually dirty my hands on a LA Times. I am sick to death of the Calendar shorts shown before a movie. They are not funny nor interesting and I hate being bombarded with ads after I have already paid $9.50 per ticket in addition to another $15 plus tip for parking. Show the previews, show the THX short, roll the film and be done with it.


Great responses everybody. Lets hear more from the "who I tell and why" camp.




Fun, Fit, Friendly in West Hollywood/Los Angeles and Southern California

RH--RentMen         RH-Website           RH-MassageAd            My 100+ Gushing Reviews     Email: [email protected]

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Only two people know I hire escorts: my long-term boyfriend who's now 75 and no longer sexually active, and a close friend (also in his seventies) who openly admits he gets a vicarious thrill out my escapades.


I would no more discuss this issue with members of my family than I would expect my straight brother to reveal whether he hires geishas on his frequent trips to Japan.


As most everyone else here points out, my reasons for hiring escorts -- and my feelings about escorting in general -- are not shared by most people. Why should I deliberately provoke their scorn or anger when there's absolutely no chance that I could change their minds?


Do I have some residual guilt about hiring escorts? Probably. But, I am working through that as quickly as I can.

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Guest cp8036

Good post.


I never tell anyone that I have hired an escort. Guess there is some shame on my part. There is still quite the impression the industry is full of drugged out street hustlers and old perverts in rain coats. American society being what it is, cannot discuss many things sexual, let alone the concept of commercial sex. Through some good experiences, internet, and certainly this site, one can find that both sides are full of normal guys.


Perhaps a lot has to do with the media. They cannot portray gay life in normal light, so surely cannot expect them to show m4m sex trade as normal either.


I hired a dozen or so times, started more out of curiosity with the sex trade. I was always fascinated by the real people behind the porno or escorting, more than the sex itself. It seemed some guys are having a great time with sex, and getting decent money at the same time. Quite enviable. However, sure the reality is that many escorts really have to work hard at performing and seeming to be into a session. Luckily the first guy I took on was very nice, and talked candidly. He told many interesting stories of clients, how he feels about his work, and how the work can be ego boosting at times and then degrading as well. Overall, said most guys were very nice. I had more fun learning of his work and the way he feels about it than the sex itself. I would have been happy to just talk, but he was bit more forward about getting to sex. Also, $150 would be a lot to pay for just talk. He wasnt totally my type, but we did have a lot of fun. He was a true nymphomaniac, and said one reason he became an escort was to have more sex.


The next couple experiences were bad, and only reinforced the notion that an escort is out there to get some quick money, do as little as possible. However, thanks to this site, I was able to find couple guys that were really good.


My intial shame was probably based on some lack of self-confidence as a younger man. Afterall, the only reason this guy gets naked with you for the money, and only reason he may say nice things is because of the money (I doubt the sincerity of waitstaff for same reasons). I had a lot of shame inside as I felt that this guy was probably laughing at me, being so desparate to pay. Most men would like to think their partners are with them for genuine attraction. But, as an older guy (I'm 39) I am much more stable and confident than I was in my 20's and early 30's. For myself these encounters are for convenience and privacy. I have other sexual partners, but most come with some "strings". The escort thing provides access to someone that fits my specification. While not ashamed, I am realistic enough to know that a 39 white guy, slightly out of shape, will not attracted hordes of cute/thin/latin/asian guys at the local bar. If both parties are respectful, and both give what is agreed, it is a good treat once in a while.

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CP, honey, can you have it both ways? There is an unfortunate assumption in society that pessimistic things are always more realistic, when it just doesn't have to be the truth. So, how can you say that one reason that an escort has sex with you is that he loves sex and being an escort brings him all the sex he wants without having to search for it, and then turn right around and say that the only reason an escort has sex is for the client's money? Does not compute.


As I suggested to someone else recently on a private note, perhaps you should read the book "What You Think of Me Is None of My Business". I once felt a lot like you. I once felt that the only reason some people had sex with me was because I was available for money. No-one younger and handsomer than I would ever want to have sex with me just for funsies. An older, more colorful roommate, who often spoke the truth nevertheless, once fussed at me that it truely is prejudice on my part to just assume that someone doesn't want me. That's for him to decide, not me. And since I've never owned a gun or gotten around to martial arts classes, if someone is having sex with me, it's because he wants to, and if a young hot cutie asks me to have sex with him, whatever the reason, which is not my business either, he must want to have sex with me. D'uh!


I never even told my father I was gay, let alone an escort because I was afraid the shock would kill him. He never was in very good health. When the doctors put him on a 1,000 calorie a day diet, he couldn't eat all of it. He just wasn't that hungry. And this was in the mid-1970s. Would I have told him otherwise? Who knows? How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? It matters just as much.


Right now, I have told one sister but not the other. The first sister, all of her children are grown and out of the nest. She's ready for adult subjects. The other one still has two teenagers. She's not really ready to act like a full adult. She's all tied up in being a mother.


So, let's not go asking ourselves if we would tell generic relatives any subject. We don't live with generic relatives. We live with real people who might have their own reasons for not being ready, at least in our eyes, to hear certain things, whether they are shameful or not.

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Great Post Rod!


Wouldn't it be funny if someone at the engineering firm where you used to work just happened to be listening when you called and recognized your voice? I'd give anything to be a fly on the wall to hear the conversations that may have taken place after that! }>


Do I tell anyone that I sometimes hire escorts? Hell No! I'm not ashamed of my occasional indulgence, but, unfortunately, there still is a certain stigma associated with prostitution and it is illegal in most of this country.(Today's York Times reported that the Brooklyn District Attorney arrested 20 people on prostitution related charges after a nine month investigation of escort services in Brooklyn. Talk about an efficient use of taxpayer money! x( NOT!) It's sad, but unless things change -- this is something that I'll only be able to share with the guys that I hire.

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>So, let's not go asking ourselves

>if we would tell generic

>relatives any subject. We don't

>live with generic relatives. We

>live with real people who

>might have their own reasons

>for not being ready, at

>least in our eyes, to

>hear certain things, whether they

>are shameful or not.



Your point is well taken, Rod. I look at it this way: I would not tell my parents about my sex life because I am SURELY not interested in theirs. Just thinking about my parents having sex makes me shudder...brrrrrrrrrr :o)

“On the fields of Trenzalore, at the fall of the Eleventh, when no living creature may speak falsely or fail to give answer, a question will be asked. A question that must never, ever be answered: Doctor.....WHO?????"

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Guest MrMan

My parents could barely deal with the gay issue when I told them

in the early eighties. The gay hooker thing really pushed them over the edge. I've worked as an escort for 10 years now and I'm

quite comfortable with who I am and what I do.


I've done an interview with the local ABC affiliate here in

Columbus and I've also been interviewed by an alternative

weekly paper about my chosen occupation, Prostitution. I've

done this in an effort to help de-stigmatize the world's oldest

profession. Omitting the truth and keeping secrets only serve

to perpetuate the myths.


Picking and choosing what we tell our friends and family is

usually done out of FEAR...fear of being judged and rejected.

Many people in this world are coasting through their lives on

phony public relations. They want to be accepted and loved.

But if their friends and family aren't presented with the

reality of who you are, what are they accepting and loving?...



I made the decision to tell my parents I was gay because I didn't

want to live a LIE. The same goes for being a prostitute,

although it was a concious decision. If someone asks me what I

do for a living, I tell them. I do think that in some perverse

way, I do enjoy seeing the expressions on people's faces when I

say the word PROSTITUTE. I put it on forms at the doctor's,



It's not a matter of who's right or who's wrong in telling this

thing or the other. Eventually we all get to the point where

we become transparent, revealed for exactly who we are and Not

who we wish to be. Working as a prostitute has been a spiritual

experience for me. I have had a lot of time to contemplate my

existence and what it's all about. And for me I believe that in

the End, all that counts is what was True, what was Truly felt

and how we treated each other. PEACE AND LOVE!!

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Guest AllAmerEscrt

Ironically, just before my trip to DC, I confessed to my Mother that I "occasionally earn extra money giving nude massages." My Mother, being pretty hip, replied by saying,

"So, you are a prostitute." I told her that I prefer the term Male Escort. She seemed to handle that fairly well, and even said that I should have let her know much earlier so that if anything would have ever happened, then at least she would not feel so clueless or estranged. I know that it might seem out of place to say it now and in this forum, but i am one of the most fortunate people to have a Mom and Dad who:

-- have been married close to 45 years

-- love and accept me being their gay son

-- have always been there for me in countless situations.


Not that they will see this message, but I am going to say it anyway...

Mom, Dad, I love you and thank you for

EVERYTHING you have done for me. I know I

have made some choices that you did not

approve of, but you have never stopped

supporting me. That is why, I Love You!


Okay, I am gonna end there, although I could go on. I hope I didn't bore anyone by getting off the topic a little.



So there you have it, Mom knows, and seems to be OK with it, or at least has not expressed any hostile, negative opinion about it.




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Guest Thacher Cate

Rod Hagen/KCRW


Don't let the movie preview ads for 89.9 KCRW let you down. It's a REALLY GREAT radio station. Listen to it most weeknights after 7 p.m. or weekday mornings from 9 am till noon. This is the anti Top 40/muzak.

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Guest cp8036



Thanks for your note and thoughts. I will look for that book.


<So, how can you say that one reason that an escort has sex with you is that he loves sex and being an escort brings him all the sex he wants without having to search for it, and then turn right around and say that the only reason an escort has sex is for the client's money? Does not compute.>



To reply to your comment -- Sorry <this> guy was probably poor choice of pronouns... I meant to imply that first guy was a good find for a newbie. He was truely into sex, and even said looks don't matter. Being an escort was perfect for him... he could make for good sex, and his partner's looks really didnt matter. Most important was having fun.


I never doubted that he was just interested in my money. I knew he was genuinely into the sex, as I soon discovered. The energizer bunny !!! I knew the money then was thing that allowed us to meet.


However, in a more broad sense, I would obsess about some guy only doing this for the money, while possibly being full of contempt behind the smiley face.


Didn't mean to show the two escorts as the same. One was specific example, and others were more abstract.


But, thanks for the tip and good advice.

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Guest Zach DC

The question of whether one would tell Mom and Dad that he is an escort (or a client) can be answered pretty easily. No way!


I'm sure there are exceptions, but generally speaking, there seems no good reason for such disclosure. Parents have an innate sense of worry for their children. And this worry only slightly wanes as children become independent adults.


Parents are always at least a generation behind their kids. A different lifestyle, a different way of thinking. Even the most open minded parents narrow their judgments with respect to their own precious children.


We learn how not to worry our parents. We do what we can to lessen their fears. (Thanks for Thanksgiving dinner Mom, yes, I'll call you as soon as my plane touches down.) We sugarcoat much of what we reveal. And we out right avoid telling some aspects of our lives. How does a son sugarcoat that he escorts? (No, really Mom, he only pays me for my time. We go out to the theater and if he's real nice I'll let him hold my hand.) Instead, we choose not to reveal that part of our lives to our parents. It's simply easier than the constant worry and the discussions and debates that would come with that disclosure.


A more intriguing question is whether or not escorts tell their friends. Unlike parents, we choose our friends. Friends are more often from the same generation, with similar interests and points of view. Good friends know and respect each other very well.


Telling a friend is unlike telling a parent. Friends know you know the facts on safer sex. Friends know you are levelheaded and realize you take precautions when tricking with strangers. They see the escort ads; they know it's not all some sleazy underworld culture.


Reasons for choosing not to tell a friend are narrowed down considerably. It boils down to ethics. Do we risk losing respect? How will we be judged? We value our friends opinions. Are we prepared to listen?


Personally speaking, I have two friends that know I'm an escort. Both have known since I started escorting. It was easy to tell them that I was considering my venture into escorting. However, I have a few other close friends that don't know. One is my best friend I've known since college. I just can't bring myself to tell her. Is it simple convenience not to let her worry or am I ashamed? I like to think that I erased all traces of shame out of my life about 12 years ago. But who knows.


It gets awkward at times. Keeping the secret. The white lies I have to tell. Sort of leading a dual life. Staying calm when the two veer unexpectedly close.


I doubt any of my friends or family would be shocked at knowing I escort. They all know I lead a bohemian lifestyle. I've been self employed since I was 12. I've always found ways to support my independence and my low pay/high reward "real job."


And I truly love escorting. Meeting new people, exploring, learning and teaching, and having great sex. It really is rewarding. And of course, the money ain't bad. It's just seems too complicated or too personal to explain all of that to some people. And often just more convenient not to.


I could ramble on but I'll end by thanking Rod for sharing his radio adventure. Very bold of him to make that call. He could have pulled a Meryl Streep on that DJ, "Yeah, I'm the French Lieutenant's whore, what's it to you, goddammit?!"

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Guest JustANametoPlay

For me, yes there is some level of shame emotionally. However I know that is ony there becase of the ingrained catholic up bringing that sex is bad!



I agree with the other posters that have said that it is not so much shame as the fact that I know some would view it in a bad light. Not that what other think about me is so important, it is just that I don't need to deal with that on an issue that is none of thier business anyway!

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Guest Zach DC

>The only person who knows that

>I hire escorts is my



Hey NASAboy, my high opinion of you just got higher. Very cool relationship you have with your wife, I'm impressed.


I just finished posting to this thread, basically summing up that escorts, in general, would not reveal this to their parents. Right after I posted, I read two escorts who responded to the contrary.


Wow, you've told you're wife you hire, they've told their parents they escort. Damn, I feel a little closeted now.


Much admiration to you and them, Zach

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Guest Fin Fang Foom

>Matt...that's the most beautiful, sincere, heartfelt

>post I've ever read here.

> You're very lucky!



Uh oh. I think Rick is getting verklempt!


And Rick is not one who usually chokes up.


Wait. I think I'm confusing choking with gagging.



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There are more reasons for not wanting to tell someone something about one's personal life than shame: fear of consequences (I am not ashamed of paying for sex or using drugs, but they ARE illegal), desire not to hurt someone (I am not ashamed of my sex life, but it would make my mother miserable if she knew about it), and a natural sense of privacy about certain matters (I am not ashamed of my religious beliefs, but I don't call my friends to tell them what I believe).


The fact that Jammie immediately concluded that you must be ashamed really says that she thinks you SHOULD be ashamed, which is another reason why I don't tell people things that are none of their business anyway.

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As one who tends to take other people at their word and is anyhow unskilfull with irony, I choose to believe that both Matt and Rick are telling the truth. If they aren't, that's their problem, not mine.


I feel pretty strongly ("violently" might not be inappropriate) that the situation Matt describes lies within the realm of possibility for gay men who enjoy the benefits of being son of parents who love each other as well as their children. I have a very great deal of experience with young gay men as a mentor; over the last twenty-five or so years, I've probably been emotionally (though not sexually or physically) intimate with at least fifty gay men between the ages of about 18 and about 22. Some of them are now well into their 40s. I know for a certain fact that the focussed, loving interest of an older parent-type who fully accepts both their sexuality and the choices it can lead to can -- literally -- make the difference of life and death to these young men. I do not believe, therefore, that Rick Munroe is being facetious. An escort with his sense of humor, good nature, and bubbling joie-de-vivre, to say nothing of the stable, long-term relationship that he talks about with such evident joy, demonstrates that loving support of young gay men can help them achieve the satisfying adult life that men like Rick so clearly enjoy -- and then hand on to their lucky clients.


I am deeply (even if some would think me naively) impressed by both Matt's and Rick's posts and thank them for writing.

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Guest curtenz

I don't talk about my sex life with family members. I think everyone in my family would consider that pretty undignified.


I don't discuss hiring the occasional hooker with my friends either. I don't know that I'm ashamed of it, but it's certainly nothing to be proud of. Would anyone be proud to tell people "My sex life consists of a series of one-night stands with people I don't really know," whether or not he paid for it? That's true of a lot of gay men, not just those who use hookers, and I think a lot of us feel this isn't exactly a sign of success in our personal lives.

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