How Old and When Did You Come Out???

[Losgatan]

I was close to flunking out of college in my junior year because of the turmoil caused by leading a double life. In the first, I was president of my fraternity and expected to preside over all the raunchy hetero stuff that took place there. In the second, I was prowling around Philadelphia’s gay bars and just beginning to act out my sexuality.

 

In desperation, I went to the University’s mental health clinic and asked them to refer me to a psychiatrist who could “cure” me. My parents were on an extended trip overseas at the time. When they returned, I had no choice but to tell them I had dropped out of college and was in therapy.

 

They took the news stoically – they had long ago surmised that I was somehow different. I also had a gay uncle who was a very successful lawyer. So, my parents knew that it was possible to be gay and lead a “quasi-normal” life.

 

The biggest hurdle was to get past my own homophobia. Much to my surprise, the psychiatrist recommended by the University didn’t try to “cure” me at all. It took a couple of years, but he finally convinced me to accept myself as I am.

 

A year after that, I met my boyfriend of 40 years who was a professor at another Philadelphia university. With his help, I finished up my degree and began a career in advertising and marketing. And, as they say, the rest is history.

 

Looking back, I realize how lucky I was to have tackled the issue early. Leading a double life is damn hard work -- I don't think I could have survived it for very long.

[ManHoleNC]

I am still coming out. There is so much in this thread that I can relate to. I too am from a Southern family with deeply held religious beliefs. I was the president of my fraternity and everyone thought I was a "great guy"...and I assumed they loved me because I was a great "straight" guy. I had a very successful career and moved up and down the east coast. I had tons of very intense "straight" friendships from college and churches I either grew up in or attended as I moved around. Many of my friends were/are missionaries with the Southern Baptist.

 

Anyway the summer of 1999 was a major turning point for me. I am very close with both of my folks and despite the seperation in terms of miles, I have always been the closest to them out of their four sons. It had always bothered me that I was living a lie and not being honest...but especially to them. My mom got very sick and was in a coma for 10 weeks and in the hospital a total of 5+ months. I "told" her while she was in the coma and even that was hard to do. I couldn't even look at her without crying and when I tried to tell her I couldn't get the words out. But I knew then that I had to really tel her when and if she recovered.

 

Once she recovered I resumed my double life and did not tell her. I convenced myself it would be selfish...that she was old and tired and wouldn't be with us too many more years anyway. So I kept it bottled up. By this time, I was 40 years old and the double life was killing me. I found myself withdrawing from my straigh friends. I had ballooned up to 420 pounds...after all it was a safe place to be in some respects...who expects a person who is 420 lbs. to be in a relationship. Therefore my family and friends didn't try to fix me up. When I decided to try to explore my homosexuality...that was even more painful. Gay people seem to not want to be even friends with those of us who are not perfect specimens. It is as if they will not risk being friends with people who are not potential bed mates....what a rough world it was.

 

Anyway, I started working on my weight and new that in time I would come out to my folks and friends. I just wanted to have a gay network of friends in place to help me out...I was so affraid of being isolated and rejected from both worlds. Mid life hit hard and I thought I was going to rip in two mentally. I became very depressed and in the middle of that decided to quit my job...brilliant move on my part! I had convinced myself to start something new, and be self employed...at least there I wouldn't have to pretend to be straight.

 

I was very depressed and being closed to my folks they asked me what was wrong. I shared with them the depression and its evil intensitiy. Finally I went for help. Before I did I remember my mom saying I needed to go talk to a preacher. I told her that THE LAST thing I needed was to talk to a preacher. She was alarmed by my response and I told her that God's tapestry was comprised of many more colors and different textures than the Southern Baptist could ever comprehend, and that I was part of that unrecognized richness. My dad,on the other line, asked me if I was gay. I asked him if he really wanted to know..he assured me he did. I told them I was...and immediately was flooded with emotions. I could not take back those words and things would be profoundly different from that moment on.

 

I had no idea of just how different they would be. Within seconds my parents both told me that their biggest regret was that I was doing this over the phone several hundred miles away because they wanted to put their arms around me and tell me it was OK. We talked and cried...not about what I was...but about how I had lived in fear, pain and loneliness. They completely understood.

 

My folks both swear they had NO clue. I have to take them at their word. But what impressed me most was the way they drew me closer. Closer to their hearts so I could feel their warmth and love. They have never uttered one word of "maybe you can be cured" or expressed any sort of shame. My mother feels like she let me down by not somehow knowing due to the fact that we are so close. The only dissapointment they have expressed is in my doubt about their claims all these years of unconditional love for me. They meant it. They have demonstrated it.

 

The hardest part is excepting it myself sometime. The beliefs are so hard wired...those things we are taught by society and church about being gay. Not too many months ago my mom told me I should praise God for my being gay...and try to learn to love myself. She has had a lot of health problems and she said to me...I don't know why I have been dealt these issues, and maybe when in heaven I will understand....but for now I just praise God for them and let Him use them in anyway He can. She said that for all she knows He uses her and her issues without her even knowing it. To demonstate how hard wired my own beliefs about being gay have been....when she first said I should praise Him...it sounded blasphemous. Then upon further reflection and examination I realized that my reaction was evidence of the self loathing that many of us face. That is why coming out is not a one time event.

 

I must say, that I am blessed to have the parents I have and I am coming out to friends one at a time. I wish I had more gay friends ready to step in and be there...but that too will come. I have lost over 140 lbs in the past 18 or 19 months and can honestly say that I am getting a kick out of the journey and while at times I feel I am climbing out of a big hole (no pun relative to my screen name...LOL) and get dicouraged...all in all I am having fun carving out a "new" life for myself.

 

I met and hired an escort from this site. I doubt he will ever know the impact he has had on me. He showed me a great deal of kindness and during conversations he probably didn't realize that I was like a human sponge listening to his insights. Before I came out to my folks he told me that we tend to sell the ones that love us most short...that we don't trust that their love is unconditional. He was right! I wish I had come out years ago. I would have not gotten myself into the physical condition that I was/am in, and I would have found someone to share my life with. It is not too late, I look forward to the day when that happens...and my folks made it very clear in that very first converasation that they look forward to seeing me happier and sharing their love with any partner I may find. They have made great parents and parents-in-law for my breeder brothers.

 

Escorts as friends...that has been a thread many times. While I have met some great guys and they have refered to me as friends, I still know that they are not the intense friends that sustain each of us. I am very grateful for one in particular and enjoy my time with him immensely...but he is a buddy or pal. Maybe over time he will be a friend....if so that will be fine....if not, I am damn glad I met him. His kindness was a turning point for me and I have evoked his words of wisdom and insight when I have needed to replay them in my mind. Not only is he fun to "play" with, but I respect him a great deal as a human.

 

Living a life of truth is so freeing and the fears I had were so exaggerated. But my entire life is ahead of me. Praise God..says the x-southern Baptist!

[Losgatan]

Man,

 

Thank you for sharing this wonderful post with us. And, congratulations on finding the courage to break out of that old double life. As my psychiatrist once expressed it, "staying in the closet will demand so much energy and stamina that you won't have any left for the good things in life."

 

One of my motivations for coming out early was the uncle I referred to in the post above. Yes, he was a very successful and prominent Philadelphia laywer, but, as was even more common in his generation, he never acknowledged his homosexuality. As he grew older, he became increasingly lonely and bitter and too often drowned his troubles in Scotch.

 

In short, he provided a sad example of what I didn't want to become -- a sort of anti-role-model.

 

Nevertheless, we were out to each other and I had some wonderful times with him. Things changed, though, when I started living with my boy friend. I never knew whether he felt jealousy, envy, or truly disagreed with my decision to lead an openly gay life.

[Guest TFNH]

There's always a little history behind the event and how it's handled, so I'll go there 1st.

 

My first knowledge of gay people came when I was about 7. A gay family friend had drowned while vacationing with his lover. I was spending the night at my grandmother's, and when I came down to breakfast she told me. She also told me that the other man, the lover, was having people to his house afer the service and that we would be going. Like all little kids who say "Why" to everything, I asked why and her response was simply that some men love women, some men love men, and the reason we would be going to this man's house was because these two men loved each other. And like most kids, I said okay and went out to play.

 

Forward to boarding school: Raging adolescent hormones all over the place, with a lot of fooling around. No one thought of it as much of anything other than the obsessive need to get off constantly. But it certainly got me comfortable with the behavior even if I had no undertsanding that it made me gay.

 

Next stop, at 23 I fell in love, and took the man home to meet the parents, although nothing specfic was said. 30 years later he is still friends with my parents, although we long ago seperated. It was the moment of falling in love that made me realize I was gay; all the prior sex stuff was just sex stuff to me.

 

At about 27 there was a strange set of circumstances that had me telling my parents that I was living my life by my rules, not theirs. The issue was not about my sex/love life, but somehow that is how they heard it and and the next thing I knew I received a letter signed by my parents and brothers saying basically. "Tell us something interesting, being gay is no big whoop". The bottom line is that the whole coming out thing was basically a non issue in my life.

 

Profesionally, it's never been a problem either. For many years I worked for a major corporation, and about 5 years ago I became the advisor to Sr. Mgmt. on issues relating to gay employees, including the sponsorship of HRC Dinners and the production for HRC of a video focused on equality and diversity.

 

As for friends, I've never had a negative response. I've always been open,and a Steven never became a Stehanie during Monday morning coffee in the office.

[Guest Kevin 2]

Once again many thanks to all of you guys for posting your stories on this subject. From the post so far it seems most everyone has a positive "coming out" experience. My nerve is slowing building to come out myself but it takes time to make such a decision and thats what makes reading the post on this thread all the better. I'm sure there are many more stories so once again PLEASE keep them coming. IMO this is the best thread I have ran across on this message board and I've been visiting it for about 8 months.

[Guest AIM]

All I can say is WOW. That is some post. And it really is a shame that gay culture is so obsessed with youth and appearance.

 

Ironically for me when I was in my twenties, I was very skinny and didn't really get a lot of attention in the bars, etc. I was rejected a lot or at least I felt I was. I even hired an escort when I was 23 years old! I'm in my thirties now and started working out pretty hard several years ago. I'm now very muscular. But I have to admit that it's made me very apprehensive for I now not only have more guys interested in me sexually, but more guys now want to be my friend. And the latter bothers me for I am the same person inside. But it did make me realize as you said that many, many (not all) gay men do use looks as a criteria for friendship.

 

I hope you keep up your weight loss regimen -- but not for other people or because you hope to become more accepted by other gay men, but for yourself and only yourself. Good luck! :-)

[Godiva]

I agree with many of you..I never ever thought that this post would turn out so fasinating and educational. With the many veiwers, you all can bet that there are many who are identifying with segments of your life expierences and are feeling really good about themselves right now. I certainly do..I find myself running back to this post after a long day at work and reading how some other brave hero took charge of his or her life..

 

I am curious tho..With so many honest life expierences..Who rates these posts and how can anyone who has read these post rate them a 1.5?? Do they have to contain Vulgar Language..racsim..whether someone tops or bottoms in order to be rated highly..It really does'nt matter anyway..I don't want to get off track... but I would be interested to hear from a Moderator..

 

Please continue making the difference in others lives..

Keep them comming...

 

Thanxs again

G

[Guest TFNH]

There is a final though that you may find interesting. Family, friends and even co workers have all expressed one singular concern: that I am not involved with someone and have not been for about 6 years. They all equate happiness with the picket fence, puppy and spouse dream, and generally see the lack thereof as unhappiness. They seem to be unable to understand that this scene is their dream, not mine, and that life can be very fulfilling without this.

[Justice]

>I am curious tho...

>Who rates these

>posts?

 

Godiva,

 

I'm not a Moderator, but I think that I know the aswer to your question. Anyone who has logged onto the board can rate any post. The ratings are at the bottom right of each thread and you all you have to do is click on the rating that matches your opinion of the thread. The rating that's shown is an average of all the ratings. There's a quirk in the software that lets you "rate" something multiple times and the multiple ratings are included in the average. I"m guessing that that's what's happening here.

[Godiva]

Thanxs Justice..I was just wondering..After I posted that inquiry the rating has gone from 1.5 this morning to 6.6 now..Just a thought..Anyway that really does'nt matter...

 

Tfnh... I have always wondered how all of my excuses and the many girlfriends I have had that no one has seen seemed to the people I was telling them too. I never thought they cared enough to sit down and put 2+2 together I guess they do....

[Guest hunklover]

In high school I can remember talking with one of my best friends about muscular men in body building magazines and how they made our dicks stiff. I guess in junior high is when I realized I had an attraction towards muscular, manly guys, but even into college I never thought about it much, until I found myself getting "excited" watching professional wrestling on TV. I guess I must have been a late bloomer, but that's when I discovered the pleasure of MASTERBATION!

 

I guess I was around 30 when I discovered guys who did "massages" for $50 an hour, and somehow i figured out what it was really all about. I guess I frequented these guys around once a month.

 

A couple years later I had my first "free" gay encounter with a former student (I'm a teacher) who would call me late at night to talk. Then, one night I got an obscene phone call from a guy who asked if I gave head. I finally realized it was the former student who was on the other end of the line. When I said his name he hung up. After I hung up I began feeling very warm and aroused. A few weeks later I saw him and got up the nerve to ask him to come over to my house. When he got to my house he complained about his back hurting, so I asked if he wanted a massage, and that'sall it took. We got together several times, but he wanted to go further than I was willing to go, so we stopped seeing each other.

 

I would love to find someone in my area who I could have intimate relations with. I don't think I could ever "come out". I am afraid of losing friends who mean the world to me. It would also be somewhat dangerous for me as a teacher in a small town to come out of the closet. With me still being single, and not dating anyone, most people have a good idea that I'm gay, but I don't admit to it.

 

You know, once in a while I'll think back to my college years and wish I had been more aware of gay sexuality, so that I could explore it and meet other gay people. But, now, I consider myself fortunate that I was somewhat ignorant about homesexuality, because that way I never engaged in any gay sex. This was the time just before AIDS was thrown into our vocabulary. If I was sexually active with guys back then there would be a good chance that I would not be here today. My friend from high school, who I looked at muscle magazines with, was sexually active in college and beyond before anyone knew about AIDS. He died from the disease.

[Bilbo]

This is just a footnote that I don't expect to go anywhere. Not trying to hijack, but,

 

In my youth, there seemed to be more young men interested in having sex with older men. Of course, what with AIDS, there are the number of older men to go around that there once were. But there is also, consequently, less chance for a type of person to exist to whom several posters here have alluded in different ways. There were a number of people, perhaps still are, who weren't just chikenhawks. Once they found a little nestling they educated him to a lot of things about gay life, including helping him debut into gay society and also gay ethics, etc, etc. Of course, it's also true that gay society is getting easier and easier to find for yourself, but when you do, is anyone there to explain it to you? I gather that for a number of people, the man in this role is now called uncle, but I really love the old phrase, "coming out mother." And, my coming out mother used to say that there are a lot of ways to say I love you, including, "Take your umbrella, it's raining out." BTW, take you umbrella, it's ...

http://rainbowprod.com/bilbo

[Guest dickhawaiikai]

Seeing the enthusiasm with which people have been posting to this thread, I guess the old coming out theme is still popular even if it doesn't dominate gay novels as much as it used to. Does anyone here know the etymology and history of "coming out"? As far as I recall (I'm coming out as a silverback here), when I first heard the expression it did not mean "coming out of the closet." I don't think that the closet was added as the place that one came from until the mid-sixties (I could be wrong about this). Instead, it was a direct analogy to the coming out parties at which wealthy and well connected families presented their debutante daughters to society, as marriage material. So in that sense, Godiva, you've already partly come out (you said that you have a network of gay friends) although maybe you haven't joined the community yet (still nervous about going into gay bars).

 

Whatever it meant decades ago, coming out now seems to include a bunch of things: self-acceptance, a modified social identity, and lack of concealment --refusal to deny what you are, even or especially to those whose opinions you fear most. You don't have to do all those things at the same time (for good psychological health probably the only necessary one is self-acceptance, which makes the others easy), and that's why it's a long process --besides, you keep meeting new people and have to decide whether to come out to them or not.

 

Most everyone who has come out believes that it was definitely the right thing to do. Are there any on this board who are not out who think that was the right choice?

 

My worst "coming out" moment: after wasting immense amounts of time and money on stupidities like phone taps, interrogations, informants, and polygraphs, my employer had enough evidence to fire me. Finally I said OK, yeah, I am what you think I am. Too bad - it was a career I liked. I got over it. This was not recent.

 

My lightest coming out moment. A while ago I was visiting my brother and his family and my 10 year old niece asked me to take a walk with her. She asked me about my relationship with my partner. "Is he your friend?" "Yes." Is he your best friend?" "Yes." Later her mom asked me if Alice had asked me any questions. She reported the following conversation:

 

"Mom, how come I have Uncle Bob and Aunt Mary and Uncle Mark and Aunt Betty and Uncle Jim and Aunt Susie... but Uncle Dick and Uncle Axel?"

 

"That's because Uncle Dick and Uncle Axel are homosexuals."

 

"What's that?"

 

"Well, you know how boys and girls like to kiss"

 

"Yuk!"

 

"Yeah, well some boys like to kiss boys and some girls like to kiss girls"

 

"Double Yuk!!"

 

Later Alice asked her mom if she could ask me about it, and her mom said sure, but be thoughtful and discrete in asking.

[Guest allansmith63]

Bilbo - thank you for the post - makes me want to acknowledge my two "uncles" - one's younger than me, so I can't call him my "coming out mother", and he's favorite uncle - Uncle Matt_in_Vancouver. And then there's Uncle Tampa Yankee. I'm at the point in my life where I've accepted who I am - a process greatly accelerated through the patience and caring of both of my special uncles. My favorite uncle...hmmm...somewhat of an incestuous relationship, but what the hell. He held me as I sobbed on his shoulder, and provided much wise counsel. He taught me how to be a gay man, and what that means. My Uncle TY - his words of wisdom have carried me through many of my desparate moments as I've tried to tackle who I was, who I am, and who I will be.

 

Without the help of these two special men, and the contributions of all of you guys "who've done the gay thing longer" than I have, I still would be struggling desparately with who and what I am, in turn angry and frustrated over my homosexuality, trying to overcome it. Instead, I like me just as I am!

 

To all of the other newbies out there - read Bilbo's post, and find someone to be your uncle or mother or whatever - the world's a whole lot easier to understand when looked at with a pair of concerned, experienced eyes, and a pair of fresh naive, innocent eyes. I would only wish for you that you find men as caring and compassionate and concerned for my well-being as these two men are for me.

 

Matt & Tampa - a big hug to each of you.

 

Allan

[Guest Zack Evans]

I was 14 years old when I came out of the closet. At first I cam out to myself then a cousin of mine (who actually came out to me at the same time).

 

Then my mom wound up finding and reading my journal. In it, she read EVERYthing. It was just the most tumultuous thing I've ever been through both emotionally and mentally. She was completely shocked and disappointed, and took me to the pastor of our church and to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told me that being gay could be identifed like being an alcoholic..."If you don't want to be gay, you don't have to be. It's an addiction that can be controlled..." he told me. I knew at that time that even he was full of shit.

 

I knew my mom just wanted me to be "normal," so I just told the psychiatrist that I wanted to be straight and that I would rid myself of the "addition" that had so plagued me. I did this knowing that he would report this to my mom. All the while, I was going to gay clubs, coffee shops...bars...etc. I even had a boyfriend and a whole group of gay friends at 15. I mean, I started going to Factory in West Hollywood when it was still called Studio 1 (now I feel old).

 

So, in this way, I grew up really fast. I had to. And it made me want to do well in school so I could eventually attend a good college in a big city (where all the accepting people are).

 

If being gay doesn't make you stronger, it will bring you under as a teenager. Hence, I became a stronger person because I had NO OTHER CHOICE and have been fine with being gay and somewhat out for almost ten years now. I say "somewhat out" because my whole life doesn't revolve around being gay and not everyone I know or come into contact with knows I'm gay. But geez, as I am telling this story....I can now see how I have made it through so many obstacles since then. Let me put it to you this way, if you can come out at 14 or 15 and have EVERYone telling you its wrong, that you're a disgrace and that you're going to hell....and still have the tencity to prove them all wrong and leave that kind of environment behind, then one can get through ust about ANY obstacle that life has in store for them.

 

Zack Evans

[Godiva]

Thanxs Guys for these amazing posts.. Do you think it is harder for guys to come out now than it was lets say 10yrs ago..And what about women ..Do they have a huge network of support like we do???

 

Godiva

[Godiva]

Well Guys I had an interesting weekend. I made my first step in Comming Out. It was to a friend of mine who came out to me.I have known him for a while..He told me a few years ago that he was gay and He didn't want me to tell anyone.. He asked me if I was gay and I told him no..Well I was partying this weekend with him and other friends and I pulled him aside. I told him and he could not believe it. He was so happy that we now share the same lifestyle. He told me that although he has been out with his new set of friends he wish he had the courage to let his other friends know..Those friends outside the city think he is straight. Well like most of you who posted earlier..He said He thought I might be but he couldn't tell for sure..He said I was a great actor..One of which I am not so proud of..Well had to share this very liberating news and I am lookig forward to sharing somemore soon.. Now I have someone to talk to about Queer as Folk when it goes off on Sundays...

 

Godiva

[Losgatan]

Godiva,

 

Congratulations! Keep up the good work. :-)

[Godiva]

Thanxs Losgatan..

 

My sisters will probably be next week and then my brothers...

Woof....On telephone or in person..What do ya think??

 

Godiva

[Bilbo]

I vote for in person.

[Godiva]

Thanxs Bilbo for the vote..Anyone else cast their vote??? I could use it right now...

 

Godiva

[Barry]

face to face.....always. And somewhere comfortable and relaxing. As I recall from a course in grad school (sometime around the turn of the century) communication is....

 

60% visual

30% aural

10% words

 

Being there and seeing their body language as well as they seeing yours is so so important.

[Guest Gentle Dude]

Godiva,

 

My vote, too, is to tell them in person. Don't be surprised though, if one or all of your siblings already know. I recently came out to my oldest brother and he told me that he knew all along since we were teen-agers. He never said anything for fear of hurting my feelings. His parting words to me: "Life is too short, enjoy it and be happy."

 

GD

[Guest Kevin 2]

Godiva,

Congrats on the first step of coming out,you are one ahead of me ;-). Thanks again for starting this thread and what ?'s have popped up along the way. In refernece to the in person or over the phone question my vote would also be in person. Once again it would be nice if we heard more "coming out" stories from other members of this board, I'm sure there are some great ones waiting to be told.

[Godiva]

Thanxs Kevin and your right..I hope more will share with us their stories..The ones who already have..have made a valuable contribution to our "Friends Unknown" the many viewers here....I will report back on my "Comming Out" to my sisters this weekend..

 

Godiva