Overweight Clients

[Guest jc92103]

RE: Overweight Escorts

 

I had no idea that this thread would cause so many emotions. It is probably the single most important factor of any fat Gay man's life. For me as well, being a fat kid and a fat adult is the reason I turned to paying for sex. For years it was the only thing that made me feel good about myself. I was completely in control of the situation. I chose the type of young man I was interested in, I controlled the situation from beginning to end. these encounters were all with street hustlers. Growing up in Chicago in the 70's and 80's was a whole different world and boys for pay were much different back then. They were not drug addicts as they are now, but simply "street meat." The deal was quick and to the point, they didn't see that fat, just the cash. Being that much in control of these guys who had the body that I wanted so badly was an addictive and self destructive obsession for me. Through therapy, exhaustion, and age I learned to love and respect myself for who I am. I am still haunted by those demons from time to time, but I will not let them hold me back. I have recently returned to the world of paying for sex and find the "escort" side of this crazy world a little confusing. It seems as if the control aspect that drove me in the past is somewhat reversed now. The "escort" has much more control than any "hustler" ever did. They can pick and choose who they will see and what they will do. This taks a lot of getting used to is very scary to my fragile self esteem. Since I first began this thread I have called three escorts. After three days of E-mails and phone calls we set an appointment...he never showed up. The second was very nice, but had no time because he had to attend an "after Party", whatever the hell that is! The third was willing to come on over but had a long list of dont's and very few do's. The up side is that not one of them asked me what I looked like.

The down side is that I became so frustrated with the situation that I headed straight for Balboa Park and picked up hustler. The feeling of being in control again releived me of all the stress I was feeling and that was that. He did not say a word about my body size or raise an eyebrow. So it's back to the therapist!

Thanks for allowing me to express myself and for all of your stories and opinions.

[Guest NYCMuscBoy]

Wow, this is indeed a great thread, and I appreciate the up-front honesty from everyone.

 

I for one have no problem whatsoever with size. It's barely a consideration. Attitude is much more important to me.

 

I've seen clients who are drug-heads, clients who have no sense of hygiene, clients who are on degrading power trips. So if the biggest "confession" a client makes is "I'm overweight" it's a relief, actually, if that's the only "problem." But for me, and I suspect most escorts, it's not a problem.

 

The best time I have with clients is when there's a sort of collegial sense of fun and exploration. And I daresay the overweight clients I've seen have tended to be more fun in the sack, before, during, and after sex.

 

I sometimes ask a client what they look like, but I never turn anyone down because of their appearance. To assume that you're being "screened" isn't necessarily the case. It's just that there is such a one-sided relationship before you actually meet -- I mean, the client knows the escort's height, weight, hair color, dick size, top- or bottom-hood, racial background, whether he shaves his balls, etc. To know a bit about the client helps even the balance a bit and makes the escort feel a bit less like a piece of meat. (Which of course we are, but at least there's the ILLUSION.)

 

And I agree, the terminology "What are your stats?" is obnoxious.

[Guest jeejer]

RE: Overweight Escorts

 

I think that Bilbao brings up something that has bothered me for some time. Actually ever since I started using escorts. Here we have fine young men who are willing to have sex with us for pay. It amazes me that they are able to do that, because I question whether I would be able to have sex with someone like myself.

Sure sounds like the ultimate in self-loathing to me. We may decry how our society is focused on youth and beauty, but I feel that even those who have suffered from it are not able to escape the trap.

 

Because of high blood sugar and seeing my father die of diabetic complications, I have over the last year lost weight. It is amazing the number of people who think that it is appropriate to talk to you about your body. I have even gotten people asking if I am seriously ill or just in general asking if I am feeling alright. I have also been able to score at the local bookstores with guys who a year ago would never have given me another look, but I still find myself weeding out those that are too old, too fat, too something. While it may be my fantasy, it is still a fantasy that is based on our society's preoccupation with and placing value on youth and beauty

 

So Bilboa, I say, I'm not man enought to hire an overweight escort, but you have made me question why. Now I just need to come up with an answer.

[Guest rb]

RE: Overweight Escorts

 

Thanks guys for the terrific thread. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone out here. Except for early childhood and a brief period during high school, I have spent most of my 37 years being overweight. Currently I’m topping the scales at 360lbs, which might not be so bad if I was 7’2” instead of 6’2”. However, over the course of the last 10 months, I have lost 60lbs and am continuing with slow but steady success. I think the difference this time has been because I’m doing the weight loss strictly for myself and improved health and not in order to conform to someone else’s wishes. While I have not been able to live my overweight life without some degree of self-loathing, I have always tried to accept myself as I am and not care what others think. But we all know that this is easier said than done because we face reminders of it in our everyday life (not just gay life). For instance, every time we try and squeeze ourselves into an airplane seat, theater seat, the back of a taxi or the booth at almost any restaurant. We face loathing from society as a whole and not just in our pursuit of our ideal sexual partner.

 

It was not until I stumbled across this review board several months ago that I finally decided to hire my first escort. I had considered it for years but was fearful of rejection. (I had enough of that earlier in life when I was still trying to live the straight life and find women who would date me.) In my short but limited experience with escorts (and men), I have only been rejected (very politely) once. However, I always make a point of volunteering my stats in advance, because I would much rather be disappointed sooner rather than later. For the most part, the escorts I have been with stated that weight was not an issue for them (even though most of us find that hard to believe since it is such an issue for us). One escort even told me that is hard for most men to live up to some fashion plate ideal and that the most important thing was for us to love ourselves at whatever stage in life we found ourselves. He is a truly amazing person. I cannot wait until I have the opportunity to return to New York to see him again.

 

So we must heed this escorts advice and love ourselves regardless of our weight. We must also remember that there are many escorts (such as this one) who are willing to look beyond our fat and see us for ourselves.

 

All and all my recent experiences have been very enlightening and enjoyable. And while I am always nervous with encounter, I found that I am not as self-conscious about my body as I was initially. In addition, these experiences have given me the confidence to search for “Mr. Right” instead of “Mr. Right Now”, but it is nice to know that a big guy has his options.

 

So don’t give up JC there are some classy escorts out there for us big guys.

[Guest Tampa Yankee]

I want to thank Jason, Bryan and Jay for taking the time to contribute to this particular thread...

 

It is nice to get views on this subject from the 'flip side'. Also, it bolsters my opinion, based wholly on my own experience with escorts, that there are a surprising number of very classy professional guys out there -- and this subject reflects only one of several different aspects to these guys.

[Will]

(1) I'd like to join TY in his thanks to the escorts who have contributed to this thread.

 

(2) The net effect of all the contributions together has given me a new lease on myself. But I reserve special affection and admiration for Al, and particularly for the moving eloquence with which he posted yesterday.

 

(3) Furthermore, for days I have been worrying about Bilbo's silence and was afraid he had the flu or something. This morning I am therefore happy to see a post from him. And to answer his question: I would hire *any* escort who looked right for me in a New York minute. What's more, "right for me" does NOT include waxed, shaved mountains of over-developed veiny muscles and faces with no affect, but it DOES include warm, cuddly, cozy Pillsbury Doughboys with charm, a sweet smile, and a sense of humor.

[Guest Shamus]

This is the best thread I have ever read on this forum, because it seems to me that practically EVERY gay man is affected by issues of body image and self-esteem.

 

And it's not just overweight clients who feel the pressure to conform to an impossible ideal, and who suffer the consequences (from others and from themselves) of being unable to attain that ideal. I've met extremely naturally-thin (who might be considered underweight) men who felt ashamed of their bodies, men who were so embarrassed about their dick size or the amount of body hair they have or their skin texture or their circumcision status or their age or whatever that they felt an entire apologetic speech explaining their "problem" was necessary before they could get undressed in front of someone they'd paid to be there. And those were the ones who had worked up enough courage and managed to feel good enough about themselves to contact an escort in the first place!

 

And don't think for a moment that all those "perfect" ideal-of-the-moment bodies out there are waking up, yawning, stretching and blithely going about their day, either. You catch these boys checking themselves out in the mirror all the time --- do you imagine that the inner dialogue is: "damn, I look good"? No, it's more likely to be: "I shouldn't have had that bagel, too many carbs. I better get to the gym and put in some extra time this whole next week. Maybe there's a diuretic I can take..." I am not exaggerating when I say that I know more overweight people who seem to have come to a healthy acceptance of their bodies (and how they relate to their inner selves --- the cost of which I’m not trying to minimize) than guys with underwear-model looks, who often seem to be stuck in some sort of slavish purgatory of discipline and denial.

 

We all have our dragons to slay, inside and out.

 

I know this is going on and on, but I have a (true) story I want to tell, because it speaks to the underlying issue of this thread, and it illustrates to me what is the beautiful thing that clients can give to escorts.

 

I had a client once, a very sweet and shy and gentle man, who had only come to explore his sexuality within the last five years or so of his life. After we were done, he said to me, “I want to show you something.” And he took me into another room and showed me a framed photograph, maybe forty or fifty years old, hanging all alone on a wall. The picture was sepia-toned, and it was of a very young and very handsome man in a uniform standing by a plane.

“That’s me,” he said, looking at the picture in reverence, and his eyes had this sort of shimmering mixture of pride and regret in them.

And he smiled: “Wasn’t I good-lookin’?”

I didn’t know what to say, because he was good looking --- the face in the photo was so young and smooth and strong-looking, with those same clear eyes, except the face of the young man was so open, those eyes shining with possibility.

And my client --- he was by no means unattractive, but his eyes were a bit more defeated, his shoulders a bit more slumped, his face somehow less open, and although you could see that they were the same man, it was hard to believe it was true.

“What a great photo,” I managed, or something lame like that, and he said:

“I was so good-lookin’, and I didn’t even know it. Never knew it. Never knew what to do. I’m attracted to men just like I used to look, I think I was back then, too, and coulda’ had them back then, too, but I never did. I just didn’t know. Well… so… I keep this picture. It’s nice, to remind me. It’s nice to have a picture like this to remind you.”

 

I felt so sad for this man; I didn’t know what to say even. To let your life slip by and have your past up on the wall. Escorting at it’s best takes us [the escort] out of ourselves for a little while, lets us touch a bit what it’s like to be someone else and see what life is like from their world. I don’t ever want to have my version of my picture up on the wall, and as cynical as I often (ok, usually) am about this profession, I will be forever grateful to it for teaching me to appreciate my own capabilities and appreciate the NOW.

 

You may be thinking I unconscionably highjacked this thread, but here is where it all ties up: we are all so mean to ourselves and to each other, and in the meantime, life goes by and then someday we have a picture up on the wall to remind us of what we could have had. No body type is wrong, no body type is bad, no body type is ugly --- everything else is just propaganda. Do what you can to feel good about yourself, but don’t believe the marketing, and don’t wait to have a good time and enjoy yourself. Being with a wide variety of clients has reminded me that everyone can be beautiful, and now I give it back to you: don’t be your own picture on the wall.

 

Shamus

[Barry]

Shamus,

 

Never apologize for your thoughts. You highjacked nothing but added much to the profound and deeply sincere thoughts of so many other kind and "real" men.

 

Your story was sad but in a very real and beautiful way. Thank you. Now I must sit back and let the goosebumps go down.

 

Barry

[Guest Tampa Yankee]

Shamus,

 

Thanks for the great post...

 

You add a very interesting prespective that we who are the subject of this post have missed in our daily lives.

 

Also, thanks for the story... I'm sure there are many of us that identify to some extent with that story -- I know that I do. I also came to the realization late in life that LATER is BETTER than NEVER. And while I am happy that I woke up... I do look back and wonder what if...

[Barry]

Yes TY ......... I still look back and say "What if?" occasionally. But more and more I smile and think about What Is!

[Bilbo]

RE: Overweight Escorts

 

No, actually, Al, I became an escort because of an overactive libido and a love of variety in all things. At a college party one night, I hit on the wrong guy and his lover took me into the kitchen and chewed me a new asshole. The only phrase in his diatribe which hurt was when he called me a free whore. I went home cried and figured out what was so painful. And it wasn't the whore bit. It was the free bit. So I changed it.

 

Also, though the last few years I specialized in being a leather master for hire, it wasn't always that way. And it wasn't ever only that way. Up to the end, if I have indeed come to it, I had many clients who came over for just plain good lovin'. Also, I was never any meaner than my clients desired me to be. In fact, some of them wanted me to be a good bit rougher on them. I advertised that I was "great with beginners" and I avoided the really hard core guys. And, I wouldn't have been as successful as I was had I not realized very early on that, especially when there is money involved, it is actually the leather bottom who is in charge of the scene.

And I didn't start into that niche market because of my weight, but because leather people are much more accepting and appreciative of older men and I was in my mid to late 40s.

 

There are other parts of your last note I find discussion worthy, but I haven't read other people's replies to you, yet, so I will reserve comment til I have.

[Bilbo]

One, thank you very much Jeejer and Will for seeing what I was trying to say.

 

Two, Don't worry when you don't hear as much as usual from me for the next month or so. In fact, I'm having to pull back from being as busy with my Imperial Court's Coronation, late January, and my Mardi Gras Krewe's Ball, early February, as usual. I returned from having done 10 one hour children's shows in 4 days to my lover telling me over the phone that he had seen in the news that there was a fire in the small apartment complex (two buildings) I live in. We met up so an exhausted me wouldn't have to face it alone and came to my home last Friday together. There had been a fire. An infant boy died. My home and pets were safe, but it made no financial sense for my landlord to try to rubuild. Rather he is going to sell the land to developers as quickly as he can. So I am suddenly thrown into a search for a new home and then moving to it. I had toyed with the idea of doing so next Summer. It just tipped my hand and forced my time schedule. But, since I am a packrat and the widow of a packrat, we are talking major packing, etc. for a move. And my time may not allow me to be here as often as I would like. Carry on! And I will be here when I can. Merry Christ-mass And May the New Year be much better for us all!

[Will]

Shamus, those are some of the most moving paragraphs written by a gay man to other gay men that I have ever read. Thank you for your eloquence and sensitivity.

[Guest jeejer]

LAST EDITED ON Dec-18-00 AT 10:22PM (EST)[p]Shamus.

 

You have given my something very concrete on to which I can focus a lot of unfocused thoughts about dying, aging, loving, hating and living that have been haunting me recently. The metaphor of one's life on the wall is one that will stay with me till I die. I feel like you have helped me see part of the image and mystery of God tonight, whoever he or she or it may be.

 

I just hope that someday I can do for another soul, just a fraction of what you have done for me with our post

 

jeejer