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Have you ever felt the pangs of the exploitation?


Guest bluboy
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I have always said that in the escort/buyer relationship we are all adults with open choices and free minds. And we all come to the transaction freely and fairly knowing exactly what is going on and making choices for which we all see the full implications. Yet I recently had an experience with Greg, aka Brett Michaels, which I felt was somehow wrong. He seems so young, not so much of age but of wisdom. Damien Grey is also young but does not seem to lack the maturity that living on the edge for so long has inculcated. I felt during and after the session with Greg a real sense of the exploitation. I wanted to call his mother and say do you know what your son is doing in NYC; take him home, get him out of this city and get him into school or some straight and narrow job. And despite the fact that my modus operandi is generally to meet them and then forget them, I have actually thought about Greg a lot. Have thought to call him and invite him to dinner and somehow play fairy godmother- get out of this life b4 it is too late, if you cannot afford it I will pay for you to go to school no strings attached-"pay it forward" or something. Then I asked myself was I just thinking this as part of the fantasy and determined that I was not. I had had a very good time with him but I would never see him again- is this bizarre? Curious about your thoughts. Has anyone besides Rupert Everett, turned around a life of escorting to become a modicum of success or is the end of the road for most a hapless life of poverty after the moneyed class has moved on to younger meat. And should Greg's mother know what he is doing so she can drag him home- no I do not really have her phone number-but if I did...blu

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Answering only part of your question, 'have escorts reached a modicum of success'? Of the escorts I've known personally, one now has a clerical job and a lover in NYC, continues to pursue his dream of being a choreographer, one finished nursing school and went to live with his lover in the 'burbs, one opened a tacky little art gallery in the Mission (SF) with his lover, one is now a 'decorator' (financed, I think, by his lover) and has become a major hunk. Hmmm, common thread seems to be finding a lover, that prompts some to get out of 'the life.' And none of these guys were into drugs. Anyone who was into drugs I had only a sense of doom about him.

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For me, relationships with escorts work best when they feel like "an exchange of gifts between friends." If one of the partners seems "forced" into the encounter, there's probably some sort of exploitation going which will ultimately doom the relationship or worse.

 

Yes, I have sometimes felt very strong compassion for the very young (18+) or vulnerable guys that sometimes get into the escort business. I have even been tempted to take a couple of them under wing, as "Blu" describes.

 

However, that just opens the door for more exploitation and codependency. Either the patron is exploiting the young guy's weakness. Or the young guy is exploiting the patron's need to "play father" and take control of the situation.

 

It's taken me many years to learn that the best policy is to just to walk away from these situations, as painful as that can be. The chances of converting them into a "healthy," supportive relationship are close to nil.

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Guest NYCMuscBoy

That is a really, really, really good question, Bluboy. It's at the heart of every word written on this board.

 

For me, it's the entire reason I pursue a life and career outside of escorting. I fear if I were to submit completely and become a full-time escort, I'd become adept at "playing" people and essentially a cold person. Whether that would really happen, I don't know. I think the pain at the root of your question is what leads to the madness of someone like S---, who's been the source of some controversy lately. There but for the grace of God go I.

 

I'd like to say I'm sure that there are many full-time escorts out there who still have a real sense of decency -- but knowing few other escorts, I can't say for sure one way or the other. I'd like to believe it's true.

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Guest Tampa Yankee

Blu,

 

Yes, I know a great guy that I think would rather not be in the business but chooses to for the time being because of personal circumstances. Thus, I am conflicted with feelings that I benefit from someone’s unfortunate personal situation, yet I believe that there probably are worse clients than myself and that I contribute to his ultimate goal to get out. Yes, conflicted feelings…

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Guest allansmith63

Matt, Matt, what are we gonna do with you?... (hhhmmmm)

 

You have such an incredible sense of decency, compassion, caring... (oops, getting carried away - remember, Matt, I do the carrying...)

 

Ok, ok, I'm babbling, but I've been up since 4:00 am this morning, seeing someone off at the airport - you expect coherent thought??

 

A.

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I'm with you, Matt...and for more info, keep an eye on this website for the results of the escort research project as they compile their data:

 

http://hometown.aol.com/escortproject

 

From that site: "This project is of importance because most research studies in the past have focused on young men who work the streets or in the bars as "hustlers." We have no idea what men who take a more professional approach to sex work are really like and this project seeks to answer that question."

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>I'd like to say I'm sure

>that there are many full-time

>escorts out there who still

>have a real sense of

>decency -- but knowing few

>other escorts, I can't say

>for sure one way or

>the other. I'd like

>to believe it's true.

 

I'd also like to believe that there are at least some "regular" clients who truly respect the humanity and dignity of their escort partners. Many of the postings on this board suggest that it is possible to form relationships that are mutually caring and beneficial. And for that, I am very grateful.

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I've been with Greg/Brett several times and have gotten to know him a little bit. While I feel he is naive, he also plays this part of his personality up. Let's not forget that he was a dancer in Chicago, has done several films for Falcon, and used to dance at The Gaiety quite often. He is also gets to travel around to very exotic places with some rich clients. However, he does have a disarming smile and a very sweet personality.

 

I've never felt like calling his mother other than to get permission to marry him! He has one of those great cocks (it's huge) and he has one of the sweetest asses in New York...mmm, mmm, good.

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Guest Nice Guy

I have done my share of "using and throwing away". Not very prowd of that. But sometimes you meet someone in the course of your adventures that you really don't want to "use". With all my encounters over the years.... there are a handful of Gentlemen I feel I can call friends. They know me well... I know them Very well. And I have too, taken them under my wing, so to speak, not because I want something from them but because I really care for them. Matt is well aware of this as is Brett Sivers. There are others who have given me far more than I have asked for. This is not always a "fun" business and sometimes you just want to lend a helping hand and protect the guy before he is eaten alive. We (Clients) are not always the kindest of the species. It is refreshing, sometimes, to meet an Escort who has his shit together. But they are far and few.

In the past year or so I have really changed my approach from "the more the merrier" to a little quality time with some really wonderful men. I have to publically thank MIKE GREY for being the most incredible human being. A true Mentor and Mirror, who at times you don't like looking into. But thank god you did!

So Gents, have fun but not at the expense of the individual. Under most of those "persona's" there is a real guy, just trying to survive in a world which has not always been very kind.

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LAST EDITED ON Nov-01-00 AT 03:43AM (EST)[p]Our profession is nothing less than a voluntary threat to our personal integrity and feelings of self-worth.

 

Why? Because sometimes so much feces spills onto our legs and sheets we become convinced both are stained permanently. From time to time we feel pressured to do things unsafe and unhealthy, othertimes we use the experience to try something reckless that we never would have attempted had he not given us the opportunity, and even go so far as to endanger our own well being. Sometimes the stench of a man's not-oft-washed thigh hair combined with the slippery coat of mucus over his tongue convince us that the I-Have-Had-It scream we bury within (some deeper than others) will finally surface.

 

But it doesn't. We wash our legs (and our sheets). We breathe through our mouths instead of our noses and eventually ask him to rinse with Scope. We privately berate ourselves for taking another stupid risk. We cope, we internalize anger, we disassociate ourselves from our bodies-to the extent we are able. And somehow we never, ever, scream.

 

Are we exploited? Fuck yeah. Do most of the men believe they contribute to this exploitation? As the text above indicates, probably not. Is this our own fault for becoming prositutes in the first place? Probably. But the next time you've "ordered in" look (deeply) for that silent scream, and then talk to me about accountability. I'll be in the laundry, washing out the shit.

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...and then a sudden hush decended!

 

Great post Rod, insightful, I enjoyed reading it. I would say it rings true for too many than care to admit. Some have a way around it, like I for one have found it better to stick to the higher end client. He comes basically shit and baggage free... less time in the luandry... :-)

 

Still, that one line you had about the scream, Nail on the head! save I would add, that some even when they dig down deep and scream out aloud fail to produce any noise. A silent scream.

 

Some wise ones know enough not to fight the "scream". So they give in to it; from the top of their lungs, and get on with the motions of life. These kind when possible, know they can someday call in a "cleaning lady" to deal with the left over "shit".

 

Me? I have no plans to loose my voice.

 

Pax,

Quinte

 

[email protected]

http://communities.msn.com/qdus

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TROPHY LOVER

 

TROPHY BOY (The Best That I Can)"

A poem

 

Neither doesn't fathom, that there could exist another.

So I put the one on the cell phone on hold.

Betwixt, I am caught and, continuously, I lust for the other.

I am not dependent, no. I come and go as I please, yes.

I Posess the best of both worlds.

Equipped, ready, and able. Mine, is the pleasure of picking ...with ease.

"I, am the ultimate lover" says the message on my Palm Pilot gizmo-thing.

I Please this one, I tease that one, and I release the other. Master, master of my craft; Pagers are paging, telephones-a-off-the-hook and poor moi, is required at very private soirees in town; and yet, my friend; life, is a lonely game that has no laughter.

I touch them here and I lick that one there.

My developed technique, gives pleasurable fear.

Wild fires of my sensuality spread by the day and now, they even speak of me in virtual space.

I should choose and be happy... They say the world is full of choices? Is this true?

Only the future will tell, if I will have to deal with inner voices.

Oh, I have had commitments, and relationships.

But I was never to wed. I gets no complaints when I'm kicking it in bed.

I have a powerful gift for pleasure, and I must share it like a true friend.

 

Don't for one minute, be misled. I haven't been dealt the worst hand...But thats a boring fucking long story.

 

Quinte DuSoleil

http://www.nubiandreams.com

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Thanks for the post, Rod. It was incredibly compelling and I've finally realized I have no business doing the things I do. I haven't felt comfortable with all this for quite some time. It's time to move on and take my baggage with me. Good luck.

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Guest albinorat

>LAST EDITED ON Nov-01-00

>AT 03:43 AM (EST)

>

>Our profession is nothing less than

>a voluntary threat to our

>personal integrity and feelings of

>self-worth. >

 

I thought the first post was self dramatizing and odd. I don't think an hour or even a weekend with an *escort* is a situation in which to look for authenticity of emotion.

 

But I am afraid, though clearly genuine and heart felt, the above post also strikes me as excessive. Indeed, an *escort* is master of what he does. A *street ho* (of which most are young women and many are girls) really very often has no choice. And those lives are horrible, grim and frequently short.

 

There are boys and men who sometimes are trapped on the street (or the low rent bars) but usually men have more ways out and are less likely to internalize society's contempt for sex workers, in fact many escape it altogether. That's why I wouldn't respond to the New York Times cliche riden piece about the *boy* (he was going on 20 I think) *trapped* in a life of prostution. It's part of this society's still widespread loathing of women's sexuality that leads the real tragedies (they involve girls) to be over looked. While a drug using, manipulative young man is somehow invested with a kind of reverse glamor.

 

As to the above post, I think an escort either has a tolerance for a range of sexual acting out and a sense of where to draw the line, and shrugs all the way to the mattress where he hides the tax free profits, or he doesn't last. If anal sex plays a large part in an escort's trade, rubber sheets or even a fold out bed should be part of the tools of his trade (escorts at the level of those who advertise here can afford both easily). A smelly client can be enticed into the shower in his place or yours as part of the *scene* (in Italy, Belgium and France I've enticed smelly escorts into the shower, and one of the sexiest experiences I ever had was tying an Italian guy up in Rome and washing him very slowly, head to toe while he writhed in ecstasy).

 

A *trick* who is demeaning or dangerous may be the last line of defence a *street ho* has between going hungry or sleeping in the street (or sadly, going into withdrawl hungry and on the street). Moreover the *street ho* especially if female is going to go the whole nine yards for fifty dollars or less if it's a slow night, and will give most or even all of it to a pimp.

 

An escort who can get upwards of $200 for an hour (or less), and can compete at that level can afford to say no, and certainly can negotiate activities that can please the client without involving risks of any kind. If not, the door usually locks from inside and can be found and opened easily. If an escort feels *degraded* typically or always, then he has internalized contempt for sex, sex workers, and maybe for gay people and thus for himself and his clients.

 

I view it as part of my responsibility to be clear about what I want, what my limits are and to be respectful of an escort's safety and comfort. I expect a high priced escort to be respectful and responsible back. The worst that happens is you don't click and life goes on.

 

If I pick up a *street ho* or somebody in a rough bar then all bets are off. But while I know some guys from that milieu who are self dramatizing and full of hate for their tricks (even as they service them), I tend to feel that all the risks are on my side.

 

We've all had bad experiences, both client and escort. But we are all responsible for our own well being. You cannot control what someone else will do; you can control and have a responsibility for what you do. A pro can deliver a good experience worth the money from the client's point of view but safe and diginified for both. Someone who gets sucked repeatedly into bad situations (with client or escort) needs to examine what they are doing and why. Some people (both clients and excorts) scream *degradation* when that is really what they want, and those people and their acting out are typically part of all levels of the *escort* scene.

 

Albo

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Guest NYCMuscBoy

I shivered at Rod's post because, having been there, it seemed a more concise expression of a certain difficult-to-convey emotion than I could ever write.

 

Really beautiful post, Rod.

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To all who have written so far,

 

I would like to add a word of thanks to the seriousness with which so many have approached this topic. I was scrolling down the messages, nodding yes and no to some points, and then hit Rod's contribution.... And I stopped in my tracks... and re-read it.

 

As an infrequent client, I have always tried to "protect" myself from such questions by being overly generous and hospitable with an escort, thinking, "If I treat him with human decency, respect, or as an equal, then everything is okay!" Rod has forced me to look again at that.

 

Some years ago, I used to pick up stray hustlers off streets in Europe. One night, it was a Croatian, who escaped from the war zone, and made his way to Germany, and was living in a subway tunnel. My own lust blinded me to the guy until we got to a sleezy hotel room, which was warm and cramped. As I took off his clothes, I saw the bones hanging on skin on what should have been youthful flesh, and the traces of needle marks on the arm, his means of "escape" from the terrors of the war he ran away from back home. He was shivering so much, I was pulled from the lust to seeing this poor young man, no more than 20 or 21, in front of me. I wanted to cry. I placed a blanket around him, and kept rubbing him until his shivering stopped. I then dressed him, and handed him a few hundred Marks and left.

 

On another occasion, another city, I picked up another really hot looking hustler. Off we went in my car to a secluded place. As I turned off the motor, and turned to put my hand on his leg, I saw a look of a frightened child on this young man's face. I stopped immediately. After convincing him I was not angry, nor a madman, I asked him to join me for a dinner (he had not eaten in two days). I later did something I never have done before - I gave him my telephone number.

 

He has become like a son to me over these years. He has never hustled again, and we have never had any sex together. Each time we run into each other (which is often enough), I whisper a prayer of thanks that my common sense overcame my lust with him, and somehow has helped him to grow into a decent young man now.

 

Why these vignettes? Rod has spoken a truth we clients often do not wish to hear or acknowledge... no matter what, this is a business relationship, and only rarely can it move beyond that... and at what cost to both client and escort?

 

Recently I met four escorts each of whom was a real treasure in his own way. For three of them, we spent very lengthy time together. Conversations turned to the ups and downs of escorting and each had a different approach. On one side, all of them were openly and happily gay, and this made the situation less intimidating. Our time was split between walking, talking, eating out, doing cultural or sports activities together... and having sex. Should I try to kid myself that none of these ever experienced the need to scream, to escape?

 

I have no answer, but thank Rod and some of the other escorts who have contibuted comments here.

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LAST EDITED ON Nov-03-00 AT 06:49PM (EST)[p]Am I missing something here? Frankly, I don't understand Rod's post. How is he being "exploited" if he made the conscientious decision to drop his engineering profession to become a full-time escort? It's not like he's a street hustler or runaway or junkie with a controlling pimp and no other means of generating income. Albo makes a very good point in post #15 when he says:

 

>An escort who can get upwards

>of $200 for an hour

>(or less), and can compete

>at that level can afford

>to say no, and certainly

>can negotiate activities that can

>please the client without involving

>risks of any kind. If

>not, the door usually locks

>from inside and can be

>found and opened easily. If

>an escort feels *degraded* typically

>or always, then he has

>internalized contempt for sex, sex

>workers, and maybe for gay

>people and thus for himself

>and his clients.

 

I don't see how any escort can make himself out to be a victim of exploitation when he does have some control over his career and how he markets himself. I have never felt degraded, controlled, or that I had to do something unsafe just to make a buck. Street hustlers are the media's (and society's) image of all male escorts; rarely do we ever see or read about professional escorts who may be educated, in stable relationships, and who choose to escort as a career. That's why I included that link above to the EscortProject (post #7) which will hopefully give more insight into the professional aspect of the sex worker industry.

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There are times when any job is just that - a job. We all have to face Monday mornings, sometimes more than one in a week. And there is probably not a single job - ditchdigger, minister, policeman, fireman, whatever - that doesn't come with its own built in silent screams. I like to think that the worse screams come from those jobs that do the most good in the long run. As Zorba said, "God and the Devil always walk hand in hand." So, if you decide to, follow your calling to minister to the closets and those who need to celebrate that they are out of them but escpecially those who are trying to escape them. God bless and strengthen you in that endeavor. And maybe feel some union with teachers who are trying to teach autistic children. A lot of things may be different, but maybe the scream is the same.

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I've never worked as an escort (even when I could have <g>). But as a very occasional client I always feel kind of badly after the encounter. I know all jobs have their bad days, but I guess sex ultimately isn't a job -- its the best and certainly most intimate way of expressing desire, warmth and emotion. And to my escort friends, this is very dangerous turf you tread. Know your goals and be careful.

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Rick,

 

Thanks too for your own input. Not knowing either you or Rod, my own comments are based on the general European escort scene, which is somewhat different from that in the States.

 

If I ever paid out $200 and upwards/hour for an escort, I imagine that my level of concern about his feelings would diminish greatly, no matter how great a show he put on.

 

At the same time, I cannot deny that there is some exploitation which takes place in some of these meetings; whether it is the escort who is "gay for pay" or worse and who abuses the vulnerable client; or the aggressive client who treats the escorts as a piece of meat and not as a human being.

 

My own rule of thumb is to approach each escort I meet as a potential friend (recognizing that, in most cases, there may not be repeats meetings... but perhaps?). Conversation, dinner, perhaps some other activity are included. Never one of those 1-hour "slam-bam" scenes.

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