Changes in Your Beliefs About Relationships

[+ MysticMenace]

What is something you used to believe about (any) relationships but no longer do?

[+ Lucky]

I think that we have all learned lessons about relationships over the years that makes us a tad more skeptical on the sincerity of the other persons involved. Time usually tells.

[marylander1940]

13 hours ago, JoeMendoza said:

What is something you used to believe about (any) relationships but no longer do?

No beliefs... I just assume we all have baggage but I give folks a chance to show who they are and take them as such. I also don't believe in first impressions. 

[jeezifonly]

I used to believe that longevity was achieved by only through the deepest understanding of your spouse.
 

The pandemic helped me to see that “please” and “thank you” need to be there every day, along with laughing together at least 3 times a day. Deep understanding of one another’s struggles fears and joys is part of it, but without courtesy and fun being consciously kept alive in the house, the weight of the world right now can crush the happiness into a paste of “why bother?”

[Guest]

I’ve learned to take it - One day at a time.  The difficulty of “forever” is a burden on a relationship, especially in tough times.  
Focusing on 100% commitment each day breaks the marathon down into digestible bites (no pun intended 😉)

In my younger days when I did endurance events, we’d always hit a wall (mile 17 in a marathon or mile 75 in a cycling century) and we’d adopt an attitude of “just keep going for one more mile”…followed by “one more mile”…until the exhaustion passed and things flowed again.  It’s no different in relationships.  

[rvwnsd]

At one time, I did not want anyone who had "baggage." As I grew older I realized that everyone has baggage and you simply need to understand how to accept, store, and avoid tripping over it.

[Jarrod_Uncut]

45 minutes ago, rvwnsd said:

At one time, I did not want anyone who had "baggage." As I grew older I realized that everyone has baggage and you simply need to understand how to accept, store, and avoid tripping over it.

That’s so true! But sometimes baggage can be too much, and as we all learned from the late Aaliyah tragedy: that can cause 🛩💥 

But I get the gist of what you’re saying though. What would you define as baggage? Past relationships? Or just general difficulties that someone faces? 
 

I can’t say what I do or don’t believe in, but I used to think holding off on sex would better help me find someone (outside of escorting). But, in Gay culture today that’s just very hard to come across. Usually if a guy isn’t trying to have sex with you, that often means there’s nothing there. However, there’s so many guys out here who go into dating situations like sex is REQUIRED, and that’s what is turning me away from dating. I’m not trying to be someone’s personal escort, as someone here once referred to dating being. 
 

I’ve dated guys where they not only want sex right when I walk in, but again the next morning and again the afternoon after that. It’s nice to feel wanted, but I’ve left some “dating” situations feeling like a used cum rag (not literally), versus someone who was developing an actual relationship. And as a sex worker, last thing I want is to be feeling my resources are being “sucked away” by dating someone.

[BuffaloKyle]

24 minutes ago, Jarrod_Uncut said:

I’ve dated guys where they not only want sex right when I walk in, but again the next morning and again the afternoon after that. It’s nice to feel wanted, but I’ve left some “dating” situations feeling like a used cum rag (not literally), versus someone who was developing an actual relationship.

I've never been in a relationship but I've always had hookup/booty call only friends and friends who I don't have sex with to watch movies, sports, tv shows, and go out to eat with. It's nice for me that way because if I'm looking for sex or just someone to chill with I have someone for each of those.

[+ Coolwave35]

I used to believe that every relationship was worth fighting for and meant to last forever with enough work and effort. From friend relationships to dating relationships etc.  Now I understand that by design, most relationships are temporary arrangements. 

Edited September 24, 2021 by Coolwave35

[Monarchy79]

Once I was around 25 (now 42), I came to the following conclusions about all types of relationships…. (Intimate, friendship, business)

 
1.) Most relationships are transactional. One party has a need, and the other has the “supply”. Once one party either stops their need or ability to supply, the relationship will soon develop issues and will be on the road to the end. 
 

2.) In a lot of intimate relationships, people aren’t looking for love, they are looking for help. Whether it’s emotional, psychological, or material; there’s usually one half who is lacking in something, and the other who feels that they can either help, cope, or fix. 
 

3.) All relationships require compromise. In every relationship, someone has compromised some part of their beliefs, values, wants and desires, for the sake of the relationship. In every relationship, someone is going along with something they don’t want to do.

4.) More people are in relationships for the purpose of validating themselves by being in a relationship, than actually their “love”, for their partner. Loneliness, societal pressure, and insecurities will push many people into relationships. 
 

And finally…

5.) What most people present to the world in their relationships isn’t real. what’s presented is staged. What goes on behind closed doors is a lot of dysfunction, issues, and conflict. And the reason is simple: Most people are dysfunctional, have issues, and create conflict. It’s just a part of the cycle of human nature. 

 

 

[+ WilliamM]

I am a huge believe in first impressions. Seldom if ever fail.

[+ WilliamM]

1 hour ago, Monarchy79 said:

Once I was around 25 (now 42), I came to the following conclusions about all types of relationships…. (Intimate, friendship, business)

 
1.) Most relationships are transactional. One party has a need, and the other has the “supply”. Once one party either stops their need or ability to supply, the relationship will soon develop issues and will be on the road to the end. 
 

2.) In a lot of intimate relationships, people aren’t looking for love, they are looking for help. Whether it’s emotional, psychological, or material; there’s usually one half who is lacking in something, and the other who feels that they can either help, cope, or fix. 
 

3.) All relationships require compromise. In every relationship, someone has compromised some part of their beliefs, values, wants and desires, for the sake of the relationship. In every relationship, someone is going along with something they don’t want to do.

4.) More people are in relationships for the purpose of validating themselves by being in a relationship, than actually their “love”, for their partner. Loneliness, societal pressure, and insecurities will push many people into relationships. 
 

And finally…

5.) What most people present to the world in their relationships isn’t real. what’s presented is staged. What goes on behind closed doors is a lot of dysfunction, issues, and conflict. And the reason is simple: Most people are dysfunctional, have issues, and create conflict. It’s just a part of the cycle of human nature. 

 

 

Most relationships are transactional?

Really!

[+ Coolwave35]

1 hour ago, WilliamM said:

Most relationships are transactional?

Really!

I too disagreed until I read his explanation. Then I was like hmmmm. I get that. 

[Monarchy79]

1 hour ago, WilliamM said:

Most relationships are transactional?

Really!

Yes, they are. 

Those transactions could be:

money, shelter, clout, validation, self-esteem, or even codependency. 
 In every relationship, someone is giving something, and someone is receiving something. 

Those are transactions . 

[+ E.T.Bass]

For me, I see what I came to recognize as important vs.  what I no longer believe in.

What did I really believe in during my youth?  Trying to land Prince Charming by working out non-stop? If only I was as smart back in those days as I am now.  😉

[+ WilliamM]

2 hours ago, Monarchy79 said:

Yes, they are. 

Those transactions could be:

money, shelter, clout, validation, self-esteem, or even codependency. 
 In every relationship, someone is giving something, and someone is receiving something. 

Those are transactions . 

In every relationship? There are many, many equal relationships

[+ Coolwave35]

21 hours ago, WilliamM said:

In every relationship? There are many, many equal relationships

I’ve never seen one. 

[+ WilliamM]

59 minutes ago, Coolwave35 said:

I’ve never seen one. 

My parents had an equal relationship despite  my mother being an Episcopalian and my dad a Catholic. My dad's family opposed the marriage but my brother and I didn't know until we were adults

[+ Coolwave35]

I’m curious. And I mean no offense. As you look at their relationship with an adult lens, you still maintain that they were equal in the marriage?  They had an equal relationship? 
 

My grandparents certainly didn’t, not on either side. Both of my grandfathers married what amounted to the equivalent of servants. My grandmothers were kept women but hardly were they in an equal partnership. 
 

 

[Monarchy79]

28 minutes ago, WilliamM said:

My parents had an equal relationship despite  my mother being an Episcopalian and my dad a Catholic. My dad's family opposed the marriage but my brother and I didn't know until we were adults

I think there’s a disconnect in what we are all defining as “equality”, in relationships. 
 

 

[Guest]

Vinnie: yo Rocky!  What’d you see in my sister

Rocky: well, I guess it’s about gaps.  I got gaps, she got gaps, we fill one another’s gaps.  

[+ WmClarke]

On 9/21/2021 at 8:12 PM, JoeMendoza said:

What is something you used to believe about (any) relationships but no longer do?

I used to believe that monogamy was the only appropriate relationship mode for two people.

Then I grew up.

[Alex93108]

I think people have an unrealistic expectations of what once expects from a partner/ boyfriend / husband. This includes

- Fantansic sex. 

- Also not do be discounted, some people don't really want to have sex all that much. The last person i went out with had this problem. And i personally know 2 couples in a relatively sexless marriage .  These are gay couples by the way, one is 42 with a stupid kept boy of 28, and the other are in their early 50s. The 42 year old likes just having the 28 year old around. ( he's a young thing but not all that) 

- Gorgeous / Physically attractive ( to me)

- A great companion + life partner + friend + with complimentary values 

[ and somehow people expect the whole package ]

 

Thats seriously a tall order. A fantasy. Coupled with the whole bottom vs top ratios in the gay world, is no wonder why so many people are single or just gave up.

Since I started hiring, I'm down to looking for someone who would be a great companion + life partner + friend + complimentary values and is physically attractive to me. If he's great in bed thats a bonus, if not i can farm out my sexual desires to professionals.  My hiring habits would be a topic for discussion…..

Edited October 7, 2021 by jetlow