COVID and survivor guilt

[+ Charlie]

Yesterday I got a phone call from a cousin to let me know that her youngest brother had died of cancer. I have never been very close to either of them, but I let her talk on and on because I could tell she needed to unburden grief. She said that he had wanted her to visit him to have a conversation about how he hoped she could help his wife and sons after he was gone. But she was very serious about observing pandemic recommendations about limited travel, and avoiding those who were medically vulnerable, so she never went to see him. Now she realizes that she has no idea what he wanted to tell her, and it is obvious that she feels terribly guilty about it.

The last time I heard from her was last year, when she called me about her oldest brother. At the beginning of the pandemic, he broke his ankle. He was fairly heavy and diabetic, and his wife felt she could not handle him by herself at home, but she was worried about having strangers in the house when people were being told to isolate at home; their daughter, a nurse in another state, told her that instead she should put him in a short-term nursing care facility until he could walk again. So she did, and within a short time he got COVID, the place was closed to visitors, and he died without seeing his family again.

There are plenty of anecdotes about anti-vaxers and "COVID is a hoax" types feeling rightfully guilty about causing loved ones to become ill, but there are probably also lots of other people doing what they believed was medically responsible behavior for the sake of their loved ones, only to now wonder whether they did the right thing: the pandemic conundrum.

[+ WilliamM]

27 minutes ago, Charlie said:

Yesterday I got a phone call from a cousin to let me know that her youngest brother had died of cancer. I have never been very close to either of them, but I let her talk on and on because I could tell she needed to unburden grief. She said that he had wanted her to visit him to have a conversation about how he hoped she could help his wife and sons after he was gone. But she was very serious about observing pandemic recommendations about limited travel, and avoiding those who were medically vulnerable, so she never went to see him. Now she realizes that she has no idea what he wanted to tell her, and it is obvious that she feels terribly guilty about it.

The last time I heard from her was last year, when she called me about her oldest brother. At the beginning of the pandemic, he broke his ankle. He was fairly heavy and diabetic, and his wife felt she could not handle him by herself at home, but she was worried about having strangers in the house when people were being told to isolate at home; their daughter, a nurse in another state, told her that instead she should put him in a short-term nursing care facility until he could walk again. So she did, and within a short time he got COVID, the place was closed to visitors, and he died without seeing his family again.

There are plenty of anecdotes about anti-vaxers and "COVID is a hoax" types feeling rightfully guilty about causing loved ones to become ill, but there are probably also lots of other people doing what they believed was medically responsible behavior for the sake of their loved ones, only to now wonder whether they did the right thing: the pandemic conundrum.

I have wondered about it too. Two of my female first cousins, both in their early 80s,have traveled frequently during covid19. Several vacations at beaches on the Atlantic Ocean in Northern  New England. Other trips by air to visit a sick woman who was a friend of sorts of their dad. About six weeks ago, their younger brother was told he had panchriatic  cancer. I agree with their younger brother

 

He and has wife had to insist they not visit

[+ keroscenefire]

Sorry to hear about the loss of your family member, Charlie. COVID really makes these issues so much more complicated.

 

I have a good friend who is British who hasn't seen his elderly parents for now more than 3 years. We're encouraging him to visit soon but actually there is currently an advisory for travel to the UK so he's a bit skittish. He doesn't want to get his parents sick. Everyone is immunized of course but with breakthrough infections, he is still nervous. Hoping maybe he can visit for Christmas is the new plan. Definitely hard to be away from family for so long though. 

[Epigonos]

Situations like these are definitely tough calls. What people MUST do prior to taking or not taking any action is seriously consider the possible consequences of that action or lack of.  If they have done this and have decided that they can live with the consequences of their decision, then there is no need to feel guilty. It is hasty, thoughtless decisions that lead to guilt.  A little regret might be in order but not guilt and they are not the same.

[+ Charlie]

1 hour ago, Epigonos said:

Situations like these are definitely tough calls. What people MUST do prior to taking or not taking any action is seriously consider the possible consequences of that action or lack of.  If they have done this and have decided that they can live with the consequences of their decision, then there is no need to feel guilty. It is hasty, thoughtless decisions that lead to guilt.  A little regret might be in order but not guilt and they are not the same.

 

That is true, but many people can't help conflating regret and guilt in their own minds (my cousin even said, "I feel guilty..."), which is why the psychological issue  is often called "survivor guilt," even when the person experiencing it deserves no blame.

[+ WilliamM]

2 hours ago, Charlie said:

That is true, but many people can't help conflating regret and guilt in their own minds (my cousin even said, "I feel guilty..."), which is why the psychological issue  is often called "survivor guilt," even when the person experiencing it deserves no blame.

that is one person

[+ sync]

2 hours ago, Charlie said:

That is true, but many people can't help conflating regret and guilt in their own minds (my cousin even said, "I feel guilty..."), which is why the psychological issue  is often called "survivor guilt," even when the person experiencing it deserves no blame.

It is not uncommon for logical choices and emotional choices to conflict.  Your cousin made a sound decision to not put herself in danger along with others.  She still has the option to reach out to her brother's widow in other ways than in person.  Hopefully, over time, she will be able to reconcile with her feelings of guilt.  Understanding that this pandemic has put many others into similar circumstances may help.

[jeezifonly]

Tragic stories of family cut off from saying goodbye, like in wartime, or other man-made disasters, will be a big part of the narrative in any historical look back at the past two years.

In many recent cases, its pain is compounded by the legacy of willful ignorance worn so proudly by some Americans.