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Advice on a live in situation


Coolwave35
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Hey guys. I need some advice. 
 

My marriage didn’t survive Covid. 
 

I don’t enjoy being alone in the house, I’m not ready to date, and I don’t want a pet. 
 

I invited an accredited personal trainer / trained nutritionist / part time bachelorette party stripper to live with me to meal prep and be an accountability partner for working out for the next 3 months. 
 

We negotiated a rate and the nutritional and personal training services he’ll be responsible for providing. 
 

I don’t want this particular person to cross into the realm of provider status because I think that will diminish the quality of our other work. He does know I enjoy hiring and has no problem with me doing that without him. 
 

Has anyone had a live in service provider? Any tips for ensuring success? Pitfalls to avoid? 

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So sorry to hear that your marriage didn't survive through Covid, this damn virus has taken away so much from everyone. 

While I've never had a live in service provider, I've been living with roommates for years now and just moved into a new place in January with two straight guys. I always try to work around their schedules and when I see them in the common areas I always say hi and smile. If I see they are up for talking I love to listen and get to know them more,  I had a nice conversation with one of them in the kitchen yesterday. I also give them their space when they need it if they don't feel like talking, or if they're leaving for the night, or have guests over.

If someone is doing something around the apartment that is bothering someone else we all talk about it and find a resolution. 

I do not know if that helps in anyway whatsoever but wanted to share :) 

Wishing the best in this because it sounds like a great idea. 

Edited by Prime38
Wrong word.
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I think it is hard to assess your situation without knowing more details of the arrangement. Do you know anything about this person's living habits? How large is your house? When he is not providing services to you, where will he be? Do you live in a downtown area or in a more residential neighborhood? Does he have friends that might come over when you are not there? What are your habits when not training? Does the nutritional deal include his preparing the meals? Finally, is he cute?

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My advice @Coolwave35 is to set out and agree ALL the ground rules before he moves in. You do not want disputes or arguments and drama later. 

When I was single, I enjoyed having various models visiting Europe stay as house-guests. Many were str8, all were polite and friendly; some became lovers. 

What matters to you may vary a lot from what matters to me, but I’d discuss personal matters in advance. If he has a girl- or boy-friend, can they stay overnight, and how often? How about smoking in the house or use of drugs? How noisy, how late at night will he be?

 

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In addition to laying out some "rules of engagement" from the outset (perhaps especially including boundaries around private time), I might recommend pre-scheduling some kind of regular check-in routine for you to together discuss what's working (and what's not), so things can adapt/evolve in ways that work for both of you. (You don't want to get into one of those low-grade bad roommate situations where either of you are biding time until the three months are over.)

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4 hours ago, Luv2play said:

I think it is hard to assess your situation without knowing more details of the arrangement. Do you know anything about this person's living habits? How large is your house? When he is not providing services to you, where will he be? Do you live in a downtown area or in a more residential neighborhood? Does he have friends that might come over when you are not there? What are your habits when not training? Does the nutritional deal include his preparing the meals? Finally, is he cute?

He came recommended to me by someone who knows us both fairly well. I talked to him for 20 minutes on zoom, and a 5 minute follow up call to set rate. My house is 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms. He is maintaining a full time work from home job and asked for quiet, private space from 9-5. I told him I’ll be out of the house at my office during those times and he’ll have the house to himself. We discussed only one of us being at the house on weekends. Either he or I will go into nyc on weekends giving the other some time off. I don’t think he currently has friends but I told him he can have guests at his discretion. The deal includes him purchasing, preparing and delivering all meals, and setting the workout calendar. Although he is objectively very good looking, I don’t find him attractive personally based on the zoom, which actually makes this all better. 

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2 hours ago, MscleLovr said:

My advice @Coolwave35 is to set out and agree ALL the ground rules before he moves in. You do not want disputes or arguments and drama later. 

I tend to have a hard time anticipating how I’ll feel, and what I’ll think, but I am really good at conflict resolution and navigating emotional misattunements as they come up. 

I did inquire about his smoking, drinking and drug use and both he, and the referring party corroborated that he doesn’t do any of that.

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1 hour ago, Coolwave35 said:

This is great advice thank you. 

I agree; this is great advice.  I lived with roommates in grad school and when I first started working in my late twenties.  I had some great ones and some not so great ones.  A female roommate brought two guys home, they tried to light a fire in the living room fireplace but forgot to check the whether the flue was closed (they were drunk) and well we almost ended up with the house burning down.  Of course this was at 2 am when I had an early meeting at work the next day.  This roommate liked to have sex with multiple guys simultaneously and since her room was next to mine some  nights I got zero sleep ( she was a grad student).  Even my coworkers knew when she got laid since I was a zombie at work.  I was glad when I was able to get my own place and that was the last time I had a roommate.

So setting expectations up front is key…
 

 

Edited by Reisr30
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Except for roommates in college dorms, whom I could not choose, I have never lived with anyone I didn't know reasonably well beforehand. In your case, I would recommend setting an agreed upon time limit at the beginning, say at least a month, at the end of which the two of you would sit down and discuss what was working, what was not, whether you both wanted to continue, and if so, what changes you would both be willing to make in the arrangement. Even with someone you think you know, when you live together you will both find aspects of the other that you hadn't anticipated.

Edited by Charlie
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1 hour ago, Charlie said:

Except for roommates in college dorms, whom I could not choose, I have never lived with anyone I didn't know reasonably well beforehand. In your case, I would recommend setting an agreed upon time limit at the beginning, say at least a month, at the end of which the two of you would sit down and discuss what was working, what was not, whether you both wanted to continue, and if so, what changes you would both be willing to make in the arrangement. Even with someone you think you know, when you live together you will both find aspects of the other that you hadn't anticipated.

The only comment I would make on this suggestion is what is he giving up to get into this arrangement? Is he leaving another job or series of engagements that would be difficult to retrieve if things go south after a month into the job.

Some employers stipulate a 6 month probation period which allows for kinks to be worked out, if possible. My first job in the government was like that. And I moved to a new city and rented an apartment for a one year lease, I was so confident it would work out. And it did.

Edited by Luv2play
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5 hours ago, Coolwave35 said:

I tend to have a hard time anticipating how I’ll feel, and what I’ll think, but I am really good at conflict resolution and navigating emotional misattunements as they come up...

My advice is to remember this and revisit it from time to time, particularly when something about the arrangement becomes less than ideal. It will remind you that you can't predict every possible outcome and sometimes have to handle surprises. It will help you avoid blaming yourself for not foreseeing something.

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3 hours ago, azdr0710 said:

my only contribution is to consider all the daily practical things and their impact on the other person.....dishes in the sink, laundry routine, loud music, cleaning the bathrooms, late-night returns home, car parking, late-riser or early-riser?........  

Thanks to staff, most of this won’t be an issue. All the chores are handled pretty competently by professionals. 
 

he’s stressed the importance of quiet, private space, which is important to me too so I think we’re going to jive on that. 
 

He’s subletting his place to a friend for the summer and keeping his work from home job.  In the event either of us is unhappy, I agreed to two weeks severance and he’ll move back with the friend and share that space for up to 10 weeks. 

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6 hours ago, MiamiLooker said:

Are you saying Covid-19 caused your marriage to fail? How long did your marriage last and did you formally get divorced?

Covid -19 forced us to examine every facet of our lives together and apart and make hard decisions. Namely, that after 8 years married and 14 together, our marriage, from my perspective, had run its course. I’m using covid in this sense to mean the time period of March 2020 - April 2021.  We completed mediation and filed with the court. The judge hasn’t officially signed off on it yet.

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  • 3 months later...

So a little update. 
 

Our arrangement ends on Friday. He was an absolute delight and I enjoyed his company and presence. He taught me soooo much about fitness and nutrition and appropriately balancing meals. I’m down 30 pounds from when he moved in and I feel like I have the tools and habits to maintain this size. 
 

I also have a much better understanding and appreciation for the work that goes into having an incredible body, and I learned that I’ll never have that level of dedication to look that good. 
 

I hate the gym. I love running. 
 

Thanks for all of the pointers and advice. It was the perfect arrangement at the perfect time. 

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4 minutes ago, Coolwave35 said:

So a little update. 
 

Our arrangement ends on Friday. He was an absolute delight and I enjoyed his company and presence. He taught me soooo much about fitness and nutrition and appropriately balancing meals. I’m down 30 pounds from when he moved in and I feel like I have the tools and habits to maintain this size. 
 

I also have a much better understanding and appreciation for the work that goes into having an incredible body, and I learned that I’ll never have that level of dedication to look that good. 
 

I hate the gym. I love running. 
 

Thanks for all of the pointers and advice. It was the perfect arrangement at the perfect time. 

Amazing, congratulations on the arrangement on the weight loss journey, putting in the time and getting the tool and habits works out the best. Having struggled with my weight my whole life, always being consistently in flux, it's defiantly a journey. PS, you also look incredible, so happy for you!!!

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