Things to Say to Someone in Grief

[OCClient]

A friend's parent passed away this morning. We exchanged some texts. I wanted to be careful how I expressed myself. One can unintentionally say things that don't come across well.

 

I invited her to call if needing to talk and that she and her mother will remain in my thoughts, and how sorry I was to hear the news.

 

I did a search for what one shouldn't say, things that seem insensitive. Glad I did.

"Be strong" and "hang in there" are not recommended according to the source I found. "She's better off" or "in a better place" are also not recommended.

 

I admit offering "hang in there" in the past, but will think twice before ever using that condolence again.

 

I do remember when my Mother died, a coworker saying some things that were not helpful, how I couldn't wait for her to shut up.

[Epigonos]

I have learned to say the following: I'm sorry for your loss. I love you and if there is anything I can do please let me know.

[keefer]

Many years ago my best friend (met when we were 6) lost her dad and a few months later her mom. Many months later she told me that some friends invited her to reach out if she needed, and others just did... and what helped most were the ones who just arrived, and either just quietly helped, or brought pastries/coffee and sat/listened, and repeated... and she slowly began to move forward again and looked forward to those friends showing up. She said it wasn't the words, but just the presence that helped her move forward from the grief... We used something similar with my mom when my Dad died, and with my partners step-mom when his Dad died. In all three situations just being there worked better than any words I could find.

[+ Snbrd]

I have learned to say the following: I'm sorry for your loss. I love you and if there is anything I can do please let me know.

I agree with Epigonos. It is too easy, even if well intentioned, to say the wrong thing. I would add that a helpful gesture is calling a grieving friend some time after their loss. Friends have told me that they were overwhelmed with funeral details and expressions of sympathy at the time of a family member's death. Then they never hear from anyone afterwards. I try to call friends about two weeks after their loss just to ask, "How are you?"

[kingsley88]

Before covid-19, I would always make it a priority to attend the wake or funeral when a friend or close friend's parent passed away. This past year, I've mainly sent condolence cards with a short handwritten message to close friends whose parents passed away. For FB friends, I write a short comment (similar to what Epigonos wrote) on their FB tribute.

Personally, I think the toughest time is after the funeral when it really hits that the person is gone.

[CuriousByNature]

One thing NOT to say is 'time heals all wounds'. Loss may become easier to bear with time, but in many cases the hole in our lives never closes completely.

[+ tassojunior]

I have learned to say the following: I'm sorry for your loss. I love you and if there is anything I can do please let me know.

I always say "I am so sorry for your pain".

full stop and long before anything else.

It emphasizes shared knowledge and empathy for the person's feelings which is most important and anything past that just deemphasizes that thought and sometimes wanders astray (like when people tell me "they're in a better place" urgh). As you know, acknowledging the person's loss or pain is most important and must be first. I don't even contract it to "I'm" to emphasize the "I am" Getting verbose rarely ends well either as when someone is in pain words rarely help.

[+ WilliamM]

When my 26year old journalist friend was murdered in Africa, the first thing his dad said on the phone was have you been watching CNN. That gave me a moment or two to go before "I feel sorry for your pain."

 

CNN would not be carrying the story unless it was very bad news

[Rudynate]

A friend's parent passed away this morning. We exchanged some texts. I wanted to be careful how I expressed myself. One can unintentionally say things that don't come across well.

 

I invited her to call if needing to talk and that she and her mother will remain in my thoughts, and how sorry I was to hear the news.

 

I did a search for what one shouldn't say, things that seem insensitive. Glad I did.

"Be strong" and "hang in there" are not recommended according to the source I found. "She's better off" or "in a better place" are also not recommended.

 

I admit offering "hang in there" in the past, but will think twice before ever using that condolence again.

 

I do remember when my Mother died, a coworker saying some things that were not helpful, how I couldn't wait for her to shut up.

 

 

 

Pretty simple - "I'm so sorry."

 

 

Many years ago, I worked with a woman who I had enormous affection and respect for. Everyone who worked with her felt the same way. Tragically, her daughter was stabbed to death. Everyone was horrified. She was off work for about a week and I was dreading her return to work because, I couldn't imagine what you say to a person who's lost a child to a violent crime. When I saw her come in the door, I still don't know what I was going to say. I went up to her, took her hand and said "How are you?" Couldn't think of anything more articulate than that.

Edited March 14, 2021 by Rudynate

[CuriousByNature]

Pretty simple - "I'm so sorry."

Yes, short and simple is always wise. I have also added, 'I know there is nothing I can say to make this any better/easier'.

[Guest]

"Please accept my condolences," or "I'm sorry for your loss," followed by "Let me know if there's anything i can do."

[+ nycman]

Acknowledge their loss but keep it short and simple.

If the grieving person wants to speak more, they will let you know.

 

Rambling on isn’t great but saying nothing is even worse.

The grieving person knows it’s awkward for you, and they’ll forgive a well meant fumble.

Silence, however, will be remembered forever.

[+ ButchAtl]

Phrases such as "my/our thoughts and prayers" and "sorry for your loss" seem to have become common "go to" comments these days, maybe to the point of being so common and routine as to become trite. Showing empathy and a sincere "so sorry' type comment seems to be much more heartfelt and appreciated by someone experiencing a loss.