Would you remember that you dated, but not why you stopped, 20 years later?

[Guest]

I got an electronic message from my secretary at work which I read at lunch today. It said "I got a message from 'Michael Smith' that you dated him 20 years ago, and he'd like to see you again" then gave me the phone number. His name wasn't quite Michael Smith, but it was a very common name, with over 1000 LinkedIn and Facebook profiles, so I couldn't look him up. I called him before my afternoon clinic began, and had to confess that I couldn't remember who he was. I did recall him after he mentioned how we met. He was leaving the Midnight Sun on 18th Street in San Francisco, and I was about to go in, when I noticed him immediately and tapped him on the shoulder and said "Hey, you're really handsome!". I told him this was my "rapid dating" method I reserved for the most handsome men.

From that, I did remember him, and he sent me a recent photo also. I told him "I remember now. I really liked you. Do you remember why we stopped going out?" He said he didn't remember, but that he didn't think I was into long-term relationships at the time. I guess maybe it doesn't matter at this point, but I have to suspect that he probably just stopped answering my calls, because I don't think I would have called it off myself, and there certainly wasn't any disagreement we had. I called him after work, and we're going to have dinner en plein air in his current home town on Friday (he lives about 50 km away). Apparently, he had been working on the East Coast for a while, and he recently moved back to the SF Bay Area and decided to look me up.

Do you think it's possible he remembers me from all that time, but doesn't remember why we stopped seeing each other? At this point, we're probably going to just rekindle a friendship rather than have something romantic going on, but it's killing me that I can't remember why we stopped seeing each other.

Edited July 29, 2020 by Unicorn

[+ sniper]

If you're both old enough to use phrasing like " electronic message" it wouldn't surprise me if your memory is spotty...

[Guest]

If you're both old enough to use phrasing like " electronic message" it wouldn't surprise me if your memory is spotty...

 

Admin Note: No posting images of children.

Edited July 30, 2020 by Cooper

[jawjateck]

Thinking back on 4 gfs from approx. 25-33 years ago. Two of them, I remember our circumstance well. Two of them, I cannot recall why we stopped seeing each other.

 

Seems normal to me. Don't fret it; doesn't bother me about those 2, especially since my life has been super awesome without them in it.

[+ sam.fitzpatrick]

On the plus side, I've never heard of someone forgetting why they quitted a bad relationship. If it was something important, such as insisting that Cher had no talent, you would remember.

[+ Coolwave35]

I bet he remembers and I think it’s romantic that it took him 20 years to gather the courage to pursue you. I bet he’s been crushing on you for a while. Good luck and have fun!

[MscleLovr]

it's killing me that I can't remember why we stopped seeing each other.

 

Stop worrying. In the circumstances you describe - where you don’t say how many dates you had or how long you dated him - it doesn’t matter.

 

Go to dinner with an open mind and treat it like any other date. You’ve told us previously about how you’re single so I feel that it’s useful for you to have dinner with him. The downside is limited (if it does not go well) but the upside is great (you may reconnect and enjoy dating him again).

[Becket]

She had a vagina.

[Guest]

In case anyone's curious, I'll describe our evening together. He said he remembers how old we were when we were together, so it's closer to 25 than to 20 years since we were together. We had gone out for a number of months. He remembered more about our time together, and some memories came back. He still can't remember why we stopped seeing each other. He can recall two differences of opinion we had. The last one he remembers is he wanted me to have sex without a condom, and I didn't want to. I don't think that why we called it off, though. The other difference of opinion revolved about how different we are in terms of personalities. He had told me Auntie Mame was one of his favorite movies, and asked me to watch it with him, which I did. He idealized the title character, while I found her a shallow, inconsequential person.

We have very different personalities. Like auntie Mame, he lives a carefree, free-spirited life. Even at the time, when he was even less well off than he is now, he would go on long international flights in order to maintain high status with airlines. He has well over 1 million with Delta and with United. I haven't even reached my million yet with American, my airline of choice. He told me he's flown to Bahrain 3 times for "mileage runs," but never stayed there. He also shared some Belgian chocolates, and told me he flies often to Brussels to buy chocolates, which he says he purchases upwards of 25 kg per year (55 pounds). I paid for his dinner at a restaurant of his choice, of course, and brought over a $50 bottle of Napa cabernet sauvignon, one of my better wines, to celebrate the reunion. I must confess I share this passion for Belgian chocolates, and we discussed our favorites, his being Wittamer and Neuhaus, mine being Mary's (but we all agreed all 3 are great). I also told him sometimes I'm fond of Pierre Marcolini's, but he told me he used to buy theirs, but stopped after getting a slightly burnt batch and being upset about their reaction when he told them about it.

I told him how great it was to see him again, and how flattered I felt to be remembered through the decades. He's now without any transportation, and I told him that if he comes over to my place, he can have my hybrid bicycle, which I'm not too keen on dragging all the way down to LA when I move there in the upcoming months. I hope we can keep up a friendship, although our personalities are probably far too different for anything more than that. We certainly share certain passions, including travel and Belgian chocolates.

[Redwine56]

In case anyone's curious, I'll describe our evening together. He said he remembers how old we were when we were together, so it's closer to 25 than to 20 years since we were together. We had gone out for a number of months. He remembered more about our time together, and some memories came back. He still can't remember why we stopped seeing each other. He can recall two differences of opinion we had. The last one he remembers is he wanted me to have sex without a condom, and I didn't want to. I don't think that why we called it off, though. The other difference of opinion revolved about how different we are in terms of personalities. He had told me Auntie Mame was one of his favorite movies, and asked me to watch it with him, which I did. He idealized the title character, while I found her a shallow, inconsequential person.

We have very different personalities. Like auntie Mame, he lives a carefree, free-spirited life. Even at the time, when he was even less well off than he is now, he would go on long international flights in order to maintain high status with airlines. He has well over 1 million with Delta and with United. I haven't even reached my million yet with American, my airline of choice. He told me he's flown to Bahrain 3 times for "mileage runs," but never stayed there. He also shared some Belgian chocolates, and told me he flies often to Brussels to buy chocolates, which he says he purchases upwards of 25 kg per year (55 pounds). I paid for his dinner at a restaurant of his choice, of course, and brought over a $50 bottle of Napa cabernet sauvignon, one of my better wines, to celebrate the reunion. I must confess I share this passion for Belgian chocolates, and we discussed our favorites, his being Wittamer and Neuhaus, mine being Mary's (but we all agreed all 3 are great). I also told him sometimes I'm fond of Pierre Marcolini's, but he told me he used to buy theirs, but stopped after getting a slightly burnt batch and being upset about their reaction when he told them about it.

I told him how great it was to see him again, and how flattered I felt to be remembered through the decades. He's now without any transportation, and I told him that if he comes over to my place, he can have my hybrid bicycle, which I'm not too keen on dragging all the way down to LA when I move there in the upcoming months. I hope we can keep up a friendship, although our personalities are probably far too different for anything more than that. We certainly share certain passions, including travel and Belgian chocolates.

Unicorn - you sound like a great level headed guy. His personality is a bit extreme. I don't think I've ever heard of someone flying across the globe just to accrue miles with an airline or flying to Belgium to purchase chocolates! I can understand why you drifted apart. But as we get older especially, it's nice to have a friend to do and share things with. I would take it for what it's worth, enjoy some meet ups together without any expectations. You've reconnected with an old friend and maybe for a good reason. I think you were very kind to have treated him to dinner and sharing that nice bottle of wine. CHEERS!

[+ sniper]

Are you sure it wasn't his general fiscal outlook that made you think this is not a suitable long-term partner? I like nice things on occasion, but I like financial security more, and I think when I was younger I would have looked at someone like that and thought he wasn't a good long-term match because we'd always be spending every penny we made. I could see that not leaving an impression on you if it didn't last long and wasn't that serious and he didn't do something horrible to end it.

[+ sniper]

20 years ago mileage status was something to go on runs for because you could shop fare sales and then still get free upgrades. Today? Not so much. First class ain't what it used to be.

[Guest]

I met the love of my life 20 years ago this August. My first and only boyfriend. We broke up 8 years ago after he left me for a 20 something boy toy who later wound up to be a meth addict that still lives with his parents at the age of 30. And for the record, I still live with him and he lives here rent free for some ungodly reason. I drew up papers to evict him in 2013 but he sat on the couch crying a week before he was to get out and I took pity on him. Somebody smack me, lol.

[Guest]

20 years ago mileage status was something to go on runs for because you could shop fare sales and then still get free upgrades. Today? Not so much. First class ain't what it used to be.

Yes, that was his outlook at the time. He would tell me that taking these flights was actually saving him money. Flying to Belgium to buy kilos of chocolates seems obsessive to me these days (and he looks quite fit, despite eating all those chocolates--much of which he shares, of course).

[Guest]

Are you sure it wasn't his general fiscal outlook that made you think this is not a suitable long-term partner? I like nice things on occasion, but I like financial security more, and I think when I was younger I would have looked at someone like that and thought he wasn't a good long-term match because we'd always be spending every penny we made. I could see that not leaving an impression on you if it didn't last long and wasn't that serious and he didn't do something horrible to end it.

I was quite financially stable in the late 90s. I think we probably drifted apart because our personalities are so different. He moved from SF to Chicago for financial reasons, then to NYC, apparently living in a place overlooking the Hudson in Yonkers. He now rents a room in a house which actually has a dock on the San Rafael Creek in San Rafael. We ate some chocolates on the dock after dinner. Very beautiful setting.

[+ WilliamM]

I was quite financially stable in the late 90s. I think we probably drifted apart because our personalities are so different. He moved from SF to Chicago for financial reasons, then to NYC, apparently living in a place overlooking the Hudson in Yonkers. He now rents a room in a house which actually has a dock on the San Rafael Creek in San Rafael. We ate some chocolates on the dock after dinner. Very beautiful setting.

 

Not sure financial situations should be the absolute top consideration in an otherwise good or excellent romantic relationship.

[+ sniper]

Not sure financial situations should be the absolute top consideration in an otherwise good or excellent romantic relationship.

Let me clarify - I have no problem being the breadwinner assuming the other party is generally fiscally responsible. But the traveling lifestyle never really worrying about a career thing is too high-risk for me. Supporting someone is a lot easier if they aren't actively dragging you down. For me this is partly a function of being raised in barely-clinging-to-lower middle class status and the attendant fear of my parents losing the house and being thrown into poverty.

If you are middle-aged and living in a rented room in the U.S., fine if you're happy with that, but odds are you are one accident or illness away from disaster.

[Guest]

...

If you are middle-aged and living in a rented room in the U.S., fine if you're happy with that, but odds are you are one accident or illness away from disaster.

Yes, he's 48 and appears to be quite content eating Belgian chocolates at dusk over the creek. I think that the next time we're together, I might ask him if he has good health and disability insurance. I can't imagine not having even as much as a bicycle at that age, but he assures me he's quite happy. I guess there are a lot of pretty well-off people in Manhattan who don't own a car. He did tell me he has a high status with National Rent a Car.

[+ sniper]

It's possible he's actually quite wealthy on paper if he's had a job and contributed to his 401(k) but chose to live simply to facilitate his travel. I had an elderly coworker years ago who was sort of like this. He always just rented a room, didn't even have his own telephone, no kids but he did have a sibling and a nephew or two. Never went out to eat, always made himself a sandwich for lunch, only ever spent money on travel as far as we knew. He walked several miles to work rather than pay subway fare. He was with the company for over 45 years. He finally went to retire when he hit the age for mandatory withdrawals from the 401(k). In addition, we had an employee stock plan where everyone was given a certain number of shares in proportion to salary, and that had also done fantastically well. Apparently, his balance was so high that the plan administrator called in a TEAM of advosors for him. He was never even a manager and he wound up with close to 8 figures.

[+ Lucky]

For the record, I met @Unicorn at a Starbucks on Market Street at Ninth Avenue in San Francisco. It was Gay Pride Day, but I can't remember the year. A good 20 years ago, though. I think we paid for our own coffees, which we drank standing up. We were meeting because we were fellow posters on the old Hooboy site. There was no suggestion of sex or romance, we just wanted to meet a fellow poster. I have met about 100 of them over the years.

[MikeBiDude]

I met the love of my life 20 years ago this August. My first and only boyfriend. We broke up 8 years ago after he left me for a 20 something boy toy who later wound up to be a meth addict that still lives with his parents at the age of 30. And for the record, I still live with him and he lives here rent free for some ungodly reason. I drew up papers to evict him in 2013 but he sat on the couch crying a week before he was to get out and I took pity on him. Somebody smack me, lol.

[marylander1940]

I met the love of my life 20 years ago this August. My first and only boyfriend. We broke up 8 years ago after he left me for a 20 something boy toy who later wound up to be a meth addict that still lives with his parents at the age of 30. And for the record, I still live with him and he lives here rent free for some ungodly reason. I drew up papers to evict him in 2013 but he sat on the couch crying a week before he was to get out and I took pity on him. Somebody smack me, lol.

 

I'm sorry to hear that but I think it's time for you to get him out and get your own boy toy, as a DILF you'll have plenty of choices and they'll be happy to live rent free.

 

back to subject, we usually forget bad things like why we broke up with someone... we usually remember only the fun we had and how "nice he was" unless of course he was a racist .

Edited August 3, 2020 by marylander1940

[+ WilliamM]

I'm sorry to hear that but I think it's time for you to get him out and get your own boy toy, as a DILF you'll have plenty of choices and they'll be happy to live rent free.

 

back to subject, we usually forget bad things like why we broke up with someone... we usually remember only the fun we had and how "nice he was" unless of course he was a racist .

 

Even worse a so-called anarchist in Portland.

 

People with a good memory unfortunately remember every thing.

[Guest]

This guy's pretty unbelievable. I just got a text from him: "I'm in London for an indefinite stay... My LA work schedule is 5:30 PM to 2 AM London time. After quarantine, that'll allow for luxurious lunches everyday and theater..."