When you find out your lover is a racist.

[+ purplekow]

In the last several weeks, I have found out that two men I have known and fucked are racists. In both cases, it came as a surprise, In one case, I have known this man personally for more than 10 years and though I knew him to be conservative politically, I recently have begun to follow him on Facebook and have found his posts there disturbing, The other, an escort I have seen once or twice in the past contacted me about possibly making a trip to my area, During that conversation he made a few blatant racist remarks, Now I had no difficulty telling the second man that I was not interested in meeting up, but the other is someone I have known for a long time. I am inclined to stop the relationshi, great sex and al, but I am surprised after more than 10 years to find out about this and I am wondering if I should explore this with him,

[+ AntonGraza]

You have had a personal and physical relationship with someone for 10 years, that’s a long time. If you have a relationship where to call on the phone to catch up, I would call and inquire if that is what he is really thinking/feeling. Then with that information, you can make your decision.

Has he changed the group of people he used to be with? Maybe he is scared-disturbed with all hell breaking loose and is looking towards when things were “normal” by his perspective. Health issues, small strokes, TV control lost and stuck on FOX?

This is going to be a very difficult change for everyone. Maybe you are one of the people in this person’s life to be there at this time to offer a different opinion where he does not feel attacked.

It must be weighing heavy on you to post. Be good to yourself, you have been though a lot lately regarding loss. Anton

[CuriousByNature]

In the last several weeks, I have found out that two men I have known and fucked are racists. In both cases, it came as a surprise, In one case, I have known this man personally for more than 10 years and though I knew him to be conservative politically, I recently have begun to follow him on Facebook and have found his posts there disturbing, The other, an escort I have seen once or twice in the past contacted me about possibly making a trip to my area, During that conversation he made a few blatant racist remarks, Now I had no difficulty telling the second man that I was not interested in meeting up, but the other is someone I have known for a long time. I am inclined to stop the relationshi, great sex and al, but I am surprised after more than 10 years to find out about this and I am wondering if I should explore this with him,

In my opinion you owe it to yourself to find out why he would make those posts on FB and also tell him how you feel about it. If this is something that ends your relationship you'll be able to do so with a fuller understanding of who that person is, and he might come to understand that his opinions, words and actions have consequences.

[+ sync]

I can appreciate your dilemma, a friendship of more than ten years is a life treasure. A lot depends on how you weigh this person's positives against his negatives. You mentioned that his Facebook postings are "disturbing." If his postings are the typical pejoratives, he might be open to an inquiry from you. If his postings are particularly vile and/or threatening, he may regard your inquiry to be offensive. I hope you are able to preserve your friendship.

[+ WilliamM]

I suggest letting it go. Long friendships may outweigh racist remarks. I have a friend of forty year who was one of only a few White students in an overwise all black middle school and high school. When he talked about, it was not easy to relive the fighting and verbal abuse in such a racial charged atmosphere. I was bullied as a high school freshman and it is not my favorite subject to discuss.

[KrisParr]

You may have already done this, but are his FB posts re-posts or original that he authored? And what groups does he follow? Are there other clues on his FB (likes, etc.) that may offer insight? Some of my friends often re-post without a lot of thought, and a few times when I’ve brought it to their attention quickly deleted them with an “oops”. The replies to your post above have been on target and I echo their sentiments - good, faithful friends are hard to come by.

[+ Charlie]

I think deciding what to do depends to some extent on the nature of the posts. Are they the kind of subtle, half-conscious racism that many people don't even realize they are expressing? Or are they the kind of overt, in-your-face racism that anyone can recognize? In the former case, it is worth initiating a conversation about the subject, in which you point out how you interpret the comments and discuss it honestly with one another. However, if it is the latter, then it is clear that you don't know him as well as you thought you did, and you should make it clear to him that you consider it a serious threat to your relationship.

[+ bigjoey]

In the last several weeks, I have found out that two men I have known and fucked are racists. In both cases, it came as a surprise, In one case, I have known this man personally for more than 10 years and though I knew him to be conservative politically, I recently have begun to follow him on Facebook and have found his posts there disturbing, The other, an escort I have seen once or twice in the past contacted me about possibly making a trip to my area, During that conversation he made a few blatant racist remarks, Now I had no difficulty telling the second man that I was not interested in meeting up, but the other is someone I have known for a long time. I am inclined to stop the relationshi, great sex and al, but I am surprised after more than 10 years to find out about this and I am wondering if I should explore this with him,

 

It depends on if the man is a “lover” or a “sex partner.” To me, lover is a connotation of a very singular relationship. Sex partner is not as emotionally involved or intimate.

 

If it is just a sex partner, you might try compartmentalism of his racism and politics. Currently, I am friendly with a number of people whose beliefs are vastly different from mine. I am not sexually intimate with these people and do not go out of my way to be with them. But if we meet at different functions or in public I am cordial and keep the subject of our differences out of any conversation. In the past, there were escorts who held views with which I did not agree but kept our interactions to just sex.

 

Now if we are talking a lover. To me that is a singular partner with whom I am intimately involved as a spouse or long term partner. That makes it harder to keep separate but I do know couples who have navigated that separately.

 

I think of the song from Avenue Q: “Everyone’s a Little Bit Racist.”

I suppose it is a matter of degree. Racism is on a continuum and a “little bit” may be tolerable but not a lot. There is a trade off of how bad his racism is and that is balanced with how good the sex is. Each person will make his own judgement.

 

For example, Wagner was a heavy duty anti-Semite. Big time hater. For about the first half century of Israel’s existence his music was not played by the Israel Orchestra. When they first played his music, it was a huge controversy. But in the end, the quality of his music outweighed the opposition to his anti-Semitism. I am sure there are people who do not attend concerts when his music is on the program.

 

You have not said what “disturbing” is on a continuum (and there is no need to repeat anything as that is your judgement) but still the end of the day, it comes down to a personal judgement.

 

In my own case, I have cut people out of my life when their racism was just out and out hatred.

[curiousbynature12]

Relationships, and people change with the times.

 

Consider talking to that friend and try to understand how he came to his racist views if the relationship is that important to you. Share with him why his racism bothers you. See if he's willing to examine his views and work on them.

 

If he's not willing to do anything to change, it's on you to decide what to do next.

[coriolis888]

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Edited July 3, 2020 by coriolis888

[maninsoma]

It's obviously a personal decision, but I don't automatically dismiss someone from my life because he may hold views different than my own. A lot of it depends on how it plays out. If there's an agreement to disagree on some things and it doesn't put a strain on a relationship, I can maintain the connection based on the other things I share with that person. But it is a matter of degree: I'm unlikely to want to be associated with someone whose views I find so abhorrent that I cannot ignore them.

 

This conversation reminds me of someone I had a few dates with many years ago. I thought he was attractive, fun in bed, and we shared some interests that made hanging out together fun. I hated being out in public with him, however, because he was so misogynist. I felt so uncomfortable with the things he said that anyone around us could hear if they cared to listen that I just couldn't continue to spend time with him, even behind closed doors. He just became too ugly to me because of the personality he revealed when we were out in public.

[+ Charlie]

When I was young, I had a friend and occasional sex partner--I even lived with him for a couple of months--whose racism was openly expressed, and we used to argue about it. Then our lives went off in different directions, and we didn't see one another for a number of years. When I was in my 50s, he moved back to where I was living, and he tried to resurrect the old friendship. But I quickly realized that he hadn't changed, and I was no longer as tolerant of it as I had been at 21, so rather than argue, I simply stopped responding to his overtures for a social relationship.

[Rocky93]

I have found that people throw out the word "racist" and "racism" too easily. All to often, it seems, some more liberal people believe that if you don't agree with someone, they must be racist. We have moved way too far in condemning people without talking to them 1:1 or believing they are racist because they support a political candidate or don't agree with agenda of a particular movement. I've been even chuckling at seeing black people being accused of being racist against blacks because they are politically conservative. For me, I can still like or even love people who have dissenting views from me. If I didn't, I wouldn't grow mentally or emotionally.

Edited July 5, 2020 by Rocky93

[down_to_business]

A plot line from one of my favorite old TV shows, Party of Five. Spoiler alert: they broke up over it.

 

Character: Sam Brody (1996-1997)

Synopsis:

Party of Five was a family drama series on the Fox network. It followed the lives of the young Salinger's who were orphaned when their parents were killed in a car accident in the first episode. Series's stars included Matthew Fox of Lost TV show fame, Scott Wolf and Neve Campbell

 

Ben (Browder) played Sam Brody in the third season, 1996-1997. His character was a carpenter brought in to help remodel the Salinger home and who the eldest daughter had a crush on. They carried on in a stressful relationship for most of the third season.

 

Sam was suddenly written out of the show when Neve's character Julia broke up with him after finding out Sam was a racist.

[RandyVue]

This literally JUST happened to me one week ago. I had to decline a dinner invitation from a guy because he is racist. I can agree to disagree on many things.....but racism is not one of them. For me, a racist is one of the worst things you can be and I just wont be around that kind of person. I can agree to disagree on politics, philosophies, sports, music, art....but racism is not negotiable for me.

Edited July 7, 2020 by RandyVue

[+ Italiano]

This literally JUST happened to me one week ago. I had to decline a dinner invitation from a guy because he is racist. I can agree to disagree on many things.....but racism us not one of them. Gor me, a racist is one of the worst things you can be and I just wont be around that kind of person. I can agree to disagree on politics, philosophies, sports, music, art....but racism is not negotiable for me.

Agree. But these days, I can't even stand to disagree on politics. For me WHOEVER supports this POS in the WH is a racist, among other things.

[+ nycman]

As a random hook up once said to me....

 

”I’m REALLY into you...

 

and we’re gonna have great sex......

 

and I REALLY need great sex right now.....

 

so please don’t talk and fuck this up.“

[+ poolboy48220]

One of my oldest friends started expressing some anti-semitism a while ago. I attribute it to him still hanging out with another guy we knew in high school, who has IMHO gone completely batshit crazy. Later on, he started talking trash about some of the black parents he encountered in his kid's junior basketball league; I listened uncomfortably then asked him "so you're off hating the Jews now?"

[maninsoma]

As a random hook up once said to me....

 

”I’m REALLY into you...

 

and we’re gonna have great sex......

 

and I REALLY need great sex right now.....

 

so please don’t talk and fuck this up.“

 

I get that that works for some (many) men, but that would have made me go limp. I was beginning to fool around in a back room of a bar with someone who replied to me asking his name with, "What does that matter?" I took my hand off his dick and walked away after telling him that that wasn't the kind of vibe that worked for me. It might be just a quickie, but I want to feel like I'm with a person in the moment.

[+ GregM]

What exactly did the guy say that you thought was racist?

[RealAvalon]

In the last several weeks, I have found out that two men I have known and fucked are racists. In both cases, it came as a surprise, In one case, I have known this man personally for more than 10 years and though I knew him to be conservative politically, I recently have begun to follow him on Facebook and have found his posts there disturbing, The other, an escort I have seen once or twice in the past contacted me about possibly making a trip to my area, During that conversation he made a few blatant racist remarks, Now I had no difficulty telling the second man that I was not interested in meeting up, but the other is someone I have known for a long time. I am inclined to stop the relationship, great sex and al, but I am surprised after more than 10 years to find out about this and I am wondering if I should explore this with him,

I don't know. There's 'racist' and then there's RACIST.

Did he say 'all lives matter' or did he join the KKK? There's a very long gradient on what some people consider racist.

How important is this to you: is this an issue that is central to your way of thinking?

No relationship is perfect: if it's not central, do other things make up for this behavior?

Some relationships are worth some conflict: is this a relationship that's of value for you long-term, or one of those many transitory relationships that come and go through life?

[+ GregM]

I don't know. There's 'racist' and then there's RACIST.

Did he say 'all lives matter' or did he join the KKK? There's a very long gradient on what some people consider racist.

How important is this to you: is this an issue that is central to your way of thinking?

No relationship is perfect: if it's not central, do other things make up for this behavior?

Some relationships are worth some conflict: is this a relationship that's of value for you long-term, or one of those many transitory relationships that come and go through life?

 

Saying all lives matter is no where being racist. Not even close.

[RealAvalon]

Saying all lives matter is no where being racist. Not even close.

You misunderstood what I wrote. I said, there is a wide spectrum of what some people will consider to be racist.

 

I'm sure no one on here will be surprised with your opinion.

[Guest]

What exactly did the guy say that you thought was racist?

I don't know. There's 'racist' and then there's RACIST.

Did he say 'all lives matter' or did he join the KKK? There's a very long gradient on what some people consider racist.

How important is this to you: is this an issue that is central to your way of thinking?

No relationship is perfect: if it's not central, do other things make up for this behavior?

Some relationships are worth some conflict: is this a relationship that's of value for you long-term, or one of those many transitory relationships that come and go through life?

I agree that we have to know more about what was said to know how unreasonable the friend was being. Obviously, I would immediately cut off a friendship if I found out the person had joined or even condoned the KKK. Just saying "All lives matter" is not something which would cause me to break off a 10-year friendship, however.

[+ Reisr30]

I agree that we have to know more about what was said to know how unreasonable the friend was being. Obviously, I would immediately cut off a friendship if I found out the person had joined or even condoned the KKK. Just saying "All lives matter" is not something which would cause me to break off a 10-year friendship, however.

I agree. I am a liberal from the Northeast. My best friend in grad school was a guy most would consider a redneck. I am pro gun-control liberal democrat he is an NRA member republican yet we get along great and respect we disagree with each other on policy matters. Never heard him say anything racist though even when we were plastered so definitely not the same situation. But i agree knowing what exactly was said is important would give more context.