Father is a fairy!

[Daverwr]

The other day I made a comment in the Lounge - ‘Healing a Hole’ that outed my father. I expected some response about that. I really didn’t get much. So my question for our world: Is it common to have a parent that is homosexual?

 

My father came out to me when I came out to my family. He said, “I’ve been gay all of my life!” I told him, “I know.” (I had caught him multiple times in bed “playing” with a male employee. He never knew.) I think he thought it would be a tremendous bonding experience between us, but it wasn’t. I was actually mad at him for what he did to my mother. I now realize things were very different back then. But it’s still difficult. Life!

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

With that headline, you're sure to get the attention you clearly want so badly.

[Populist Fury]

My parents are both straight, boring, traditional catholic people...

[+ bigjoey]

I have a friend (gay male) whose father was gay. His parents divorced when he was about six months and raised by his gay father and his lover.

[Daverwr]

With that headline, you're sure to get the attention you clearly want so badly.

Oddly, I’m really not trying to get attention. I was trying to be light and humorous on a possibly difficult subject. This is a large group of gay men. I thought it would be interesting to determine/discover how prevalent it might be - non-scientifically, of course.

[+ honcho]

I was actually mad at him for what he did to my mother. I now realize things were very different back then. But it’s still difficult.

 

Playing arm-chair psychologist, given the negative connotations around the word 'Fairy", one might assume that you're still angry at him, but using words like that to describe a gay man may not engender solidarity with you from all participants in the forum.

[+ honcho]

When I came out to my father, he said one of his lead salesmen "propositioned him, and he considered it but didn't go through with it because he would feel degraded". The aforementioned salesman was movie-star handsome and had toured as a skater with the "Icecapades".

[+ Reisr30]

My parents are both straight, boring, traditional catholic people...

Mine too and very religious as well...

[Guy Fawkes]

I rather be a "Fairy" than a "Faggot." However, I prefer "Queer."

[RealAvalon]

Playing arm-chair psychologist, given the negative connotations around the word 'Fairy", one might assume that you're still angry at him, but using words like that to describe a gay man may not engender solidarity with you from all participants in the forum.

True. I assumed he was stepping into his father's shoes, and how he may have labelled himself?

 

My kids tend to get cool points from their friends on the gay dad thing. Different times. Same location.

[+ Charlie]

I have known a number of gay men who had biological children. Most of them came out as guy after their children were born. I have known some of their children. All were straight. Some had good relationships with their fathers, others did not. In general, the daughters seemed to have better relationships with their fathers than the sons did. None of my gay male friends had a gay father, at least as far as he knew.

[jeezifonly]

I can’t imagine how difficult it is for any parent who realizes their true sexual identity AFTER their commitments to spouse and/or child. I almost took that path before the right opportunity extracted me geographically. Sadly others do not get that chance, and are left to come out, without allies, to endure the ostracism, or put on the act to please their family and church/community, seeking surreptitious sexual exchanges that feel more true, and hating themselves for it. Their children often bear undue burdens - anyone see “Fun Home”?

[Walker1]

Straight men and women have affairs too. A close friend of mine got his heart broken when he found out the daughter he loved wasn't his biologically, but from his wife's lover. It happens. Just because someone is a parent doesn't make them an enlightened all knowing being. Unless someone is a monster, accepting others for who they are -warts and all-and moving on with your life makes life far more easier and lighter.

[Act25]

I was married to a woman and have a son. I was in my 40's before I even came out to myself. My wife passed away 10 years ago and that's when I started to come out publicly. It's more common than one might think - I met many of my current friends in a gay fathers organization. I honestly don't know what I would have done if my wife had not passed away; our marriage wasn't perfect but we had good times. I didn't lose any friends or family when I came out and have a good relationship with my son.

[Guest]

... (I had caught him multiple times in bed “playing” with a male employee. He never knew.) I think he thought it would be a tremendous bonding experience between us, but it wasn’t. I was actually mad at him for what he did to my mother. I now realize things were very different back then. But it’s still difficult. Life!

The most startling part of your post is that (1) you caught him not just once but multiple times in bed with a male employee (that implies a massive degree of indiscretion on your father's part), and (2) that he never knew about it. How does that happen? I suppose your parents were already divorced when your father came out? When was "back then," more or less (just the decade, to give us an idea)?

[Daverwr]

The most startling part of your post is that (1) you caught him not just once but multiple times in bed with a male employee (that implies a massive degree of indiscretion on your father's part), and (2) that he never knew about it. How does that happen? I suppose your parents were already divorced when your father came out? When was "back then," more or less (just the decade, to give us an idea)?

Actually, my parents were married until the day my mother died about five years ago. They were married 60+ years. To my father’s credit, he always called my mother his best friend. As far as indiscretion, I came home from school at odd times. We lived in a very large house so it was easy to hide (for me) when necessary. This was in the 70’s.

[Guest]

Straight men and women have affairs too....

With the advent of genetic testing, we're finding that it's a lot more common than we ever imagined. My brother and sister's sleuthing found out that my biological father was my mother's physician. My sister was all keen on meeting the pantheon of our half-siblings (other than the half-siblings my biological father had with his wife, whom we discreetly avoided contacting). I agree with @Walker1 that there's no point holding grudges. As far as I'm concerned my legal father and brother are my true father and brother. I certainly don't call him my half-brother. I have to look at things on the bright side. My legal father died in his early 80s, while my biological father lived into his 90s, in pretty good health (died of a hip fracture). Also, no one from my family every was or wanted to be a physician, so maybe I inherited that from my biological father.

[+ WilliamM]

Actually, my parents were married until the day my mother died about five years ago. They were married 60+ years. To my father’s credit, he always called my mother his best friend. As far as indiscretion, I came home from school at odd times. We lived in a very large house so it was easy to hide (for me) when necessary. This was in the 70’s.

 

Still, his actions were a bit unusual, with a female or male partner, as is, your decision not to change the title of this thread after members complaints.

[Daverwr]

Still, his actions were a bit unusual, with a female or male partner, as is, your decision not to change the title of this thread after members complaints.

I did not change the title of this thread because I do not see fairy as derogatory but more comical in nature. If some are offended, I’m sorry you see it that way.

[rvwnsd]

I was married to a woman and have a son. I was in my 40's before I even came out to myself. My wife passed away 10 years ago and that's when I started to come out publicly. It's more common than one might think - I met many of my current friends in a gay fathers organization....

I'd say 25% of the men in the coming out group discovered and/or started acting upon their feelings toward other men after their wife passed away or after they were divorced for a reason other than coming out as being gay. Most of the men remained friends after they left hte group.

[RealAvalon]

Actually, my parents were married until the day my mother died about five years ago. They were married 60+ years. To my father’s credit, he always called my mother his best friend. As far as indiscretion, I came home from school at odd times. We lived in a very large house so it was easy to hide (for me) when necessary. This was in the 70’s.

You might enjoy The Sparsholt Affair, by Hollinghurst.

[Guest]

I did not change the title of this thread because I do not see fairy as derogatory but more comical in nature. If some are offended, I’m sorry you see it that way.

I can picture your baby room in that large house of yours...

[Guest]

[Guest]

[+ Charlie]

Another book you might enjoy is My Father and Myself by J.D. Ackerley, a gay English writer in the first half of the 20th century, who discovered that his father had been the Edwardian equivalent of a male escort in his younger days. The original American edition was published by Coward-McCann in 1969, and was later reprinted in paperback by Harcourt Brace.