Patricia Highsmith in LRD

[SirBillybob]

A truth stranger than fiction, because only fiction is obliged to stay within possibilities ....

 

Some four decades ago I travelled on a fantastic Caribbean cruise (non-gay, small liner), joined by someone with whom there were friends in common back home. He had an arts degree and was not in school. Much to my surprise and consternation he decided that he would pose as a medical student in our nautical microcosm. He did not warn me or ask me to collude in this charade. I did not back up the fiction and I stayed out of it. He also posed as heterosexual but the socio-political climate made that more justifiable. Most on board got sucked in concerning his academic status, but a very select few shot knowing glances to my poker face. There were a lot of activities to override a focus on his backdrop and he did not offer informal medical advice that everybody knew would not be the province of an undergraduate anyway.

 

The dude was princely to me and everyone else while perhaps basking in the additional social capital his misrepresentation conferred. I did not reveal the experience to anybody at home known to him, and it never came up between us. The event and his related meta communication eroded my desire to maintain a close association. I know for a fact he has never done any concrete harm through impersonation.

———

Fast forward to an experience with a recent friend that had already overtly described and convinced me and countless others of credentials far exceeding reality. Following months of digital communication, the new normal for degrees of bonding these days, this person proposed a social meet-up at a travel destination we had in scheduling common. We also jointly know a few people.

 

In this case, I am a retired, not particularly outstanding, clinician maintaining faculty status at a university, yet have had associations with young high-performance multiply decorated academics within many disciplines (the current person’s practice and discipline is not the point).

 

Eventually, close to the juncture of our meeting, I had very mild suspicions as the person’s narrative expanded into a range where the average listener would become somewhat incredulous. This evolved into a realization that the situation was thematically very similar to years ago, this new person also presenting the same charade within a small group social gathering on our meeting day. This was uncomfortable. At the same time, this person alluded to skills that would sound ominous to anybody that might be on to them.

 

This prompted me to look things up based on the information I had, verifying for myself that the person was impersonating, presumably for social capital purposes. Perhaps others are aware of men and women inclined to grossly exaggerate themselves. It was certainly not necessary, for my sake, to cultivate friendship based on falsely elevated status. I will engage with somebody friendly and charming irrespective of walk of life.

 

There would be nothing to gain by directly confronting or “outing” this stage show. I do not wish to embarrass anybody, while feeling sheepish about my own naïveté. However, I have described the experience to a few people I am certain are not contained with the person’s circle, without identifying information.

 

——

 

What do you think would be a reasonable threshold for digging a little into the public domain to unearth somebody’s reality?

 

What constitutes a related boundary violation?

 

What about the things a person tells you, distorts, or omits, outside of their primary identity (given that confidentiality about that component is generally an ethical imperative even if not explicitly requested), is one’s business?

 

How and it what arenas(s) might you debrief the type of experience I described?

Edited April 28, 2020 by SirBIllybob

[coriolis888]

———

 

How and it what arenas(s) might you debrief the type of experience I described?

 

 

¿does your post have to do with sudamerica? i missing something cause I no understand what you write. explain in different words what you say por favor y gracias

[+ azdr0710]

the author of "The Talented Mr. Ripley" is at the Laredo airport........

[EZEtoGRU]

Um...Err...Well...Huh?

[SirBillybob]

Both experiences occur in the general area that is south of the dividing point between Canada/USA and Mexico, Caribbean, Central America, South America. Hence, written up here.

——

 

Here is an UNRELATED more concrete (I hope) example to illustrate the theme:

 

You connect privately on a message board with somebody that describes himself as a partner in a prestigious law firm, but of course the profile is anonymous on the message board, like we are on this board. The person broadcasts his credentials on the board but they are not the focus on the board. Basically the same credentials come up in your private communication with him, but again, the agenda is mostly about fun gay and sex related stuff. The online “friendship” is purely platonic. Career details can be boring compared to other topics and joking around. Who really needs to deviate from interesting commentary and gossip about hot Latin guys?

 

He gradually asserts added embellishment about his qualifications and career, for example is also a high-status law professor, has many specialties, travels and consults internationally, all impressive but credible.

 

However, you are educated and not completely naïve, and eventually you reach a tipping point where it is uncomfortable to confront him (he has been otherwise sweet and kind) but you have enough information to explore the reality. YOU HOLD BACK. You want to give the benefit of the doubt. It is not usually illegal to fabricate one’s background, and people have their reasons ... ranging on a spectrum from wanting to harmlessly upgrade their persona, to sociopathy at the more extreme end.

 

Yet if you have standards for authenticity in a friendship that has evolved to connecting in person ... well, it gets more complicated, even if socio-economic status is irrelevant.

 

You meet for the first time, following months of text friendship, taking a meal together in a mutual travel destination, with a view to going out on the town. Locals in the foreign (Latin language) venues ask about your backgrounds, a natural aspect of social introductions, and are naturally impressed. However, he slips up a little by adding an piece inconsistent with the “CV” he put forward in social media and in discussions with you, just enough to prompt you to later go clickety-clack on your keyboard. You discover with a bit of digging that the person is not the things he says he is, that he may be a paralegal, perhaps even no more than a senior legal secretary.

 

You don’t need to hire a private investigator these days to trace footprints on social media. There has not been any direct confrontation or accounting, and your previous regular communication has dried up following the dinner. Let’s say you knit your brow at one point during a discussion about an academic thesis he described writing. He comments: “Why are you scrunching up your face, BB?” Perhaps he now knows that you know, etc.

 

It turns out he is “busy” now. What would be the point of a confrontation if you sense he knows you have discovered the fraudulent aspects of his professional profile? Besides, the friendship seems tainted and dishonest at this point.

 

——

 

So, this is not about commercial sex workers to whom we tend give a free pass about their mendacity. Of course, some of us distort our profiles with the trade we hire as well. That agenda is, by definition, implicitly performative. The essentialist part of the exchange is a mutually beneficial arrangement.

 

We gossip and share at times about providers, and there seem to be minimal restrictions about checking, “cyberstalking”, what have you, in relation to our activities.

 

I have NOT “outed” this person but I have debriefed with a few folks outside the situation. People that neither, to the best of my knowledge, directly know the person or the person’s name, nor have a similar DM history with the person. People with whom there is an implicit trust that they would not publicly “out” the person in a way that could make the person feel unsettled.

 

——-

Assuming a dividing line between clients and providers, was I being “douche-y” in looking up the person with whom I had been friendly for a long time? Is this different than investigating a provider if you think something is off?

 

Should I have simply drawn on my spidey sense about the impersonating? And then distanced myself based on feeling confident about the judgement without corroborating “evidence”?

 

What are the standards of propriety in a situation like this?

Edited May 1, 2020 by SirBIllybob

[SirBillybob]

LOL, just got the Texas airport reference. I had indicated the account based in Caribbean. In this case, LRD is La Republica Dominicana. I have been in the United States a total of less than 30 days this century.

 

I realize, as well, there are far more important things going on.

Edited May 1, 2020 by SirBIllybob

[MscleLovr]

An interesting thread @SirBIllybob. I liked the reference to the very charming sociopath Ripley, though LRD defeated me. This is as good an “arena” (as you put it) as any to discuss this.

 

Answering your questions, I guess most of us have encountered such a person at some time in our lives. And I suspect many of us know innately the difference between a person glossing over some glitch in their life or career and a person engaged in extensive fabrication and fantasy.

 

For myself, I always checked out a guy online before a first date. I think it’s an essential first step nowadays before meeting a stranger. One can find out a lot about a person by using technology. There’s nothing “douche-y” (as you put it) about this research. For the same reason, I keep strict control over my social media posts and disclose little that can accurately identify me, my location, my interests etc.

 

Also in getting to know someone, ie on the first few dates, I’m relaxed but I pay particular attention to what he says and how he behaves towards others. I look for inconsistencies in his statements and remember what I’ve been told. One of my ‘golden rules’ is that if a guy doesn’t behave well and treat me and others with kindness on our first and follow-up dates, I won’t take it further: if a guy can’t be very nice for a couple of hours, his behavior will not improve with more contact.

 

Over the years, I’ve encountered 2 sociopaths. One was through volunteer work and one was met socially. Both were exceptionally charming and eager to please, anticipate my needs etc. I know such persons can be quite dangerous and the only ‘remedy’ is to cut all contact and change phones, email etc.

[SirBillybob]

Good suggestions, @MscleLovr. I keep all my social media “private” except for requests I accept, my front page profile photo is not my image, and platforms are unlinked to phone number.

 

A few providers over the years, including some in destinations south, know my personal info; has not been problematic. Similarly, a few platonic social connections with like-minded punters, but getting hoodwinked in that category came as a surprise.

Edited May 4, 2020 by SirBIllybob

[+ g56whiz]

DAMN!!! I live within 2 miles of LRD. Laredo is one of the largest closets for gays. It’s door opens only to San Antonio some 2 and a half hours (155 miles) north of here. I was desperately hoping to meet some one interesting here. Lol