Non Political NYTIMES Ethicist Question

[+ purplekow]

The Ethicist is one of my go to columns in the Sunday NYT. The title this week is: I think Sex for Pay is Always Wrong. Should I stay with a partner who disagrees? In brie, a 20 something gay man has difficulty with his 50 something year old monogamous partner having had sex in the past with male escorts. In addition, though the 50 something has been monogamous, he has said that if the two should break up, he would have sex for pay again, The questioner states:

"I strongly believe that sex for pay, in any circumstance, is morally wrong because I don't believe sex should be a paid service and because sex for pay reinforces a very deep problem within out society , even with good intentions." He later states that this is a "fundamental issue for me and for people in my social circle."

I found this to be a strange divisive question in a relationship and the vehemence of the 20 something was surprising to me.

So have any of you run into friends or partners who are so vehemently opposed to escorting that they would look down on you or even break up your relationship because he held a different opinion even if you are not actively pursuing this path?

[+ sam.fitzpatrick]

I do not.

 

I have several friends that have problems with certain behaviors: smoking, drug use, gambling, motorcycle riding, and anonymous sex hookups to name a few. All are able to consider past behaviors as different than current behaviors. So while they would never date someone who is currently a smoker, they would have no problems dating someone who smoked years ago. I would think that if any of them had an opposition to sex for pay, they would focus on the current and not the past behavior.

[+ Charlie]

It sounds to me as though this young man is really concerned about the fact that his partner would go back to paying for sex if they were to break up. Does he have a nagging worry that the older partner finds him desirable basically because he is putting out for free?

[+ sniper]

I definitely have some friends/acquaintances like that. One of them got pretty outraged at even the idea of going to a bar where they gave lapdances...."I don't pay for sex." Meanwhile, he had sex with anyone and everyone he met, despite having had a roommate who got murdered by a trick.

[+ sniper]

It sounds to me as though this young man is really concerned about the fact that his partner would go back to paying for sex if they were to break up. Does he have a nagging worry that the older partner finds him desirable basically because he is putting out for free?

I see this more as gay people tend to start out more conservative as a defense mechanism. It's my 20something gay friends who all want the white picket fence for the most part, for example. And I think they do get inundated by older creeps who are playing a numbers game, and so they put up some walls.

[TruthBTold]

I do find it odd that the younger partner has a problem with his monogamous partner having had paid for sex in the past. I assume that the past sex was not coerced by either sides of the equation. Would the younger partner think differently if his partner had said that he had lent his past sexual partner money because he needed it for school or to pay rent? Or if the older partner had taken a past sexual acquaintance on a vacation with him all expenses paid. It would be interesting to see what about a past paid consensual sexual experience the younger partner found abhorrent.

[+ purplekow]

If you read the full question in the Sunday Magazine, the younger man seems to just want his partner to agree with him that in all circumstances sex or pay is wrong and should never be condoned. He does not question his partner's fidelity but does find it hard to swallow (pun intended) that the partner might go back to sex for pay if they were to break up.

Anyway, I though this was a forward thinking question for The Ethicist to tackle. As I mentioned, I enjoy this weekly column quite a bit.

[instudiocity]

How is any monogamist relationship equal economically? Do two people ever have the exact same financials? Net worth? Income?

 

If they choose to share themselves in a monogamist relationship, isn’t one going to receive and the other going to give financial benefits?

 

In the case of this 20-something and 50-something? One has youth, the other maturity, likely the 50-something has e security, while the 20-something might not? I think it would be rare to find a 20 YO keeping a daddy???

 

Isn’t there some economic benefit passing from one to the other? How is that different from hiring a companion?

 

I submit the paid companion might be less expensive but certainly the economic benefit is well-defined while the monogamists have an ill-defined financial benefit but the emotional benefits last past a visit .

[+ sniper]

There's also the issue that over the past 10-15 years there has been a crusade of sorts to label any and all sex work as human trafficking, which evokes a more visceral response.

[rvwnsd]

None of my friends would look down upon me for hiring escorts. One friend asked why I hired, but understood once I told him.

 

I wonder whether the 20-something would prefer a partner who shares his beliefs about escorting but sneaks around behind his back

[mike carey]

For those who have a subscription to the NYT or have some of their free allowance of articles left (noting that the allowance is about to reset), here's a link to the article.

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/24/magazine/i-think-sex-for-pay-is-wrong-should-i-stay-with-a-partner-who-disagrees.html