relationships with escorts

[Guest like muscles]

I've been reading the section on relationships with escorts and I'm wondering if there is anyone out there who can help me put my situation in proper perspective. It's a situation I can't seem to bring up even with close friends. I hired a fairly well-known escort about a year ago.I was initially disappointed in him but since he totally fits the bill for my fantasy type, I called him again occassionally. Slowly the sexual encounters became better and to my amazement I began to get e-mail telling me that he missed hearing from me, how much fun he had with me, enjoying coming to my home, etc. Then came proposals for taking trips together and he made it plain that the expenses would be 50/50 while I made it plain that any sexual encounters would be at the usual rate. He has even invited me to his home, showed me the nursery and told me things about his wife and gave me the advice to never get married. Recently, after he kept bringing up the idea of a vacation together, I took the initiative of investigating flights, suggesting dates, etc. The last contact, about a week ago, was that he was 99% sure it would work out and he would get back to me within two days. Since then, total silence. The total silence has jolted me into the realization that I have allowed myself to become emotionally involved. Now I don't know what to do. I have so far resisted the impuluse to e-mail and ask what's wrong, if anything. Probably he just got called out of town by another client - anything is possible. Is it possible for an escort to "compartamentalize" in such a way that he, in a way, leads a client on. Or is it possible, that occassionaly they do meet a client that they feel a rapport with, even with a large age difference, and find that they like spending time with that client. I've never been in a situation like this before and feel very confused. Should I write and ask if there is a problem or just endure the silence and see what happens. If there are any escorts or clients out there who might give me a little direction, it sure would help.

[Rod Hagen]

Like Muscles, historically entering a relationship with a man who equates sex with men, in this case you, with money, either fall apart or continue indefinetly in a self-destructive codependency. It is possible, and in fact much easier than some here make it seem, for an escort to have a meaningful relationship with someone on a share and share alike level, I have been doing it for nearly 3 years now. However, if the relationship started out with one paying the other, that dynamic will probably never REALLY change.

 

Walk away.

-Hagen

[Guest like muscles]

Thanks, Rod, for taking the time to write a posting. Your answer pretty much falls into the catagory of, "Yes, I needed that" since your reply is exactly what I've been telling myself to do. But it helps to hear the opinion of an objective third party. However, if he contacts me again, which I rather expect he eventually will, it remains to be seen if I have the common sense to walk away. What the head tells us to do doesn't always dictate what the heart tells us to do. Of course, there's always the possibility that he's had the insight to realize that an emotional dependency has developed on my part,(which would surprise me since I've kept it a pretty well-kept secret) and that he's decided it's best to walk away. That would make the whole thing easier.

[Losgatan]

LAST EDITED ON Jun-04-00 AT 12:17PM (EST)[p]Rod's hit the nail on the head with this one -- as I know from personal experience.

 

After regularly seeing a young, Asian-American escort for nearly two years, I found myself becoming much more emotionally involved with him than I wanted to be. With great difficulty, I ended our relationship about 18 months ago.

 

Recently he suggested that he'd like to see me again -- and I made the foolish mistake of inviting him to the opera one afternoon. He then offered to spend some time with me that evening without charge. A couple of days later he asked to "borrow" $1000.

 

I can't imagine how I let myself fall into this situation. I hope I have the strength not to do it again!

 

P.S.: For those who've wondered about my screen name -- I live in Los Gatos, California.

[Guest LAtommy]

OMG, Losgatan . . . . That sounds verys similar to a situation I had. Was your escort based in LA by chance?

 

Oh, By the way, Rod is 110% correct!

[Bilbo]

OK, I am going to sound very old fashioned and probably a bit like Doc Laura here, but ...

This man is married. He already has a relationship he is tied into, with a child already. He was a bit out of line inviting you into his home. There has been at least one earlier thread the consensus of which is that a married client should respect his wife enough to never invite an escort into his home. I would think that that would go, in spades, for the escort, too.

If this man doesn't respect the person of or honor his committments to his wife and child, what makes you think he is going to be honest with you?

Besides which, bounce relationships never work. Even without money involved, you would be a lot safer in the future if you waited until a person has been outside of any relationship, open or closed, for at least three months before you attempt to open an ongoing personal relationship with him/her.

[Guest Jake]

Bilbo is so right about this guy. It really says a lot about his character inviting you into his home and nursery. I've been there - not with a married escort, but having been married myself. I never felt more like a sleaze than when I cheated on my wife with a man - the idea of doing in my home makes my skin crawl. Happily, things are now resolved to everyone's satisfaction. I agree with the others: stay far away - you deserve better.

[Guest like muscles]

Thanks guys, for your postings. Strangely enough, I never even considered it insensitive of him to invite me to his house - but in all fairness I have to say that there never was any hint of a sexual encounter there - I think he is just proud of it and wanted to show it to me. Actually, I guess I was complimented that he trusted me enough to do that. Also, in all fairness, I have to point out that he really is a sincere, down-to-earth guy - I don't think there has been any hidden agenda in the things he has done which have extended the relationship a bit beyond an escort/client relationship. I'm sure he doesn't have a clue that I've allowed myself to get somewhat emotionally involved. I have to admit that I just enjoyed the extra attention I was getting. I've just become very puzzled by the fact that we were 99% committed to taking this trip and now he hasn't followed up on it - and it was his suggestion in the first place. It never would have occured to me to propose such a trip unless I was prepared to finance it. I do think I can be more objective, put a screeching halt to the idea of any involvement other than escort/client, and take the trip if it does, in fact, happen. It it doesn't and I don't hear from him again - for whatever reason - then that's life, and I just move on.

[Guest BigDerek]

:o OMG, the responses sound like something I'd expect to hear from relatives. The only person who seems to have the right answer is like muscles himself. All of the responses sound with protect yourself. Like muscles needs protection from who? the escort or himself? The escort obviously couldn't care less. I'm an escort and have been seeing a particular client for quite some time, and every time I think things are getting a little emotionally dependant, I remember the exchange that will soon follow. Your escort may be thinking, "what a cool guy to hang out with, I wonder if he'd take a trip with me?" but one thing he hasn't forgotten is the exchange that will eventually follow. The only thing you need to consider about this guy is whether or not you want to see him again, emotionally or otherwise. If you do, then call or write him, and offer him the usual rate. If you absolutely want to throw away what has proven to be a good time, then don't ever attempt to contact him again, and expect to live everyday in agony wondering if you'll ever meet another like him. You will not, I assure you.

[Bilbo]

I used to love thinking that I was unique. Now I love wishing that I could think that I was. I wouldn't worry too much about finding something like this man or better. Merely ask the universe or whatever higher power you believe in to provide it for you, act and think like it will be yours, and it eventually will be. I believe that the relevant Bible verse goes something like "Ask and it will be given to you."

However, I do not really advocate totally abandoning this escort. If you want to see him again, do. (I personally would first get him to tell me that his wife knows that he plays around on her and doesn't mind. I don't advocate violating closed relationships of any kind.) However, you do need, I think, to build a firewall between him and your deeper emotions. He is not a bad person, necessarily, but at the moment he is not sure who he is. He might think he knows, but as you said, basically, he "hasn't got a clue." And if he tells you anything about himself, remember it is coming from his perspective of the moment and is liable to change and change again til he knows for sure himself.

[Losgatan]

No -- He's in Santa Cruz.

[Guest like muscles]

When I did this posting, I had no idea that it would generate the interest it has - but as I wrote, I was looking for a perspective on how to proceed. The responses have certainly helped with that. The bottom line for me is that I will continue to show this man the same respect that he has always shown me. The little extras that he has done for me were his way of telling me that he genuinely does enjoy my company. I was puzzeled because there hadn't been any contact for over a month - but thinking over the time we've known each other, that isn't really unusual. Since we live in different states, and I travel a great deal on business, frequent meetings aren't all that possible. The traveling in question was initiated because of a lengthy business trip in the fall to South America. The trip will take place and hopefully, he'll be able to arrange to go along at least part of the time. I hope to continue to enjoy his company - Any emotional involvement on my part, I think, just enhances my enjoyment of his company. Reading some of the responses has helped me to realize that I simply have to keep that under control - which I am sure I will.