jackhammer91406

50th anniversary. I enter UCLA Hospital this Saturday so I am happy to share this gem sent by my buddy in OHIO. Tom and Elaine sent out invites to their three children. Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry," said the father. "Important thing is we're all together today." Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from LA between depositions & didn't have time to shop for you." "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come." Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town & I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything." After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. "You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married." The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?" "Yep," said the father, "Cheap ones too.."

A few more quickies... I started this thread 4 years ago after I was diagnosed with Leukemia. I really felt like I wanted to concentrate on things that made me laugh and feel good. I never dreamed the thread would go on this long or have nearly 40,000 views. I have really enjoyed posting these funnies and also enjoyed the funnies that others have posted. Today is perhaps my last post on this thread. I am scheduled to go into UCLA next week for a bone marrow transplant. My Leukemia relapsed in July and the doctors tell me that the transplant is my only option and they aren't giving me good odds for a man my age. By I am an upbeat and positive person by nature so I will go with the odds they give me. After all somebody has to be in the 30%, so why not me? I am not down. I figure I give myself 5 minutes each day to feel bad about my circumstance and then those feelings get locked in a box. I spend the rest of each day trying make someone laugh without having to take off my clothes. If I can do that, it's was a good day. I have so enjoyed this site and the friends I have made here. Thanks for your friendship and the laughs. Here's this weeks funnies: After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!” Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..." A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. "Mother of six," he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!" She gets very frustrated. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, "Mother of six, I think it's time to go!" The wife immediately shouts back, "I'll be right with you, father of four!" A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

Afternoon Quickies..... My thanks to Steven for his funny offering today. OK, here's some afternoon quickies for everyone (yeah, you thought I meant something else didn't you?). A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough." A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.” Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it." A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

Have your fill.... Here's some fun from The Tonight Show this week. Gotta give Glenn credit for not worrying about her image. Have a great weekend. [video=youtube;ZG6pRQDeAEM]

Odd collection... Today's entry is an odd collection of videos from January of this year. Some of them are funny. Hope you enjoy them. Have a great weekend everyone. [video=youtube;hPQVYiP1QAo]http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=hPQVYiP1QAo

People say the darndest things Funniest Game show answers of all time [video=youtube;R7ghDhpCLKM]

Dress left..... First, my thanks to those who have posted here in my absence including Steven and Kevin. I also wanted to thank all those who sent get well wishes and cards. I spent most all of July in the hospital as my leukemia relapsed and I underwent another round of chemotherapy. I have been home a few weeks and as some may know I have been trying to get part of my life back by going to some Dodger games. I am currently on track for a Bone marrow transplant at UCLA in the upcoming weeks, so this break may be short-lived. But I will make the most of it and try to share some of the funny things that have been sent to me. Now for this week's entry..... A group of golfers lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One got transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him. A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?" The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early – at 6:30 a.m. He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and, playing right-handed, beat all three of them with an eye-opening two-under-par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her. The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady again played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them. The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge. Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left - handed?" The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed." The guys thought this was hysterical.. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?" She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

In honor of........ http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-n2r9Y04Uak8/Tg7PKn5FyJI/AAAAAAAAErk/4QdNDtgzNGo/s1600/maxine07.jpg Happy 4th of July everyone.

With apologies to our fly boys...... Hope you enjoy this classic Foster Brooks routine. Have a great weekend. [video=youtube;_IqEMPYS9XM]

It's a guy thing....... Q. What did God say after creating Adam A. I must be able to do better than that. Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups? A. Put the remote control between his toes. Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow. Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg? A. They won't stop to ask for directions. Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A. So men can be open minded. Q. How are men and parking spots alike? A. Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small. Q. What is the one thing that all men at single bars have in common? A. They are all married.

When you're pulled over........ Things never to say to the cop 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are You Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary! 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. HAPPY FATHER'S DAY to all those dads out there.

I feel refweshed....... First, my thanks to all those who posted while I was away. Today's post from Kevin Slater really tickled me. I left here worn out, dried out, wrung out, tired out and needed a time out. I heard the calls from my inner muse to 'Get Thee to a punnery" so off I went. I came back (as Lili von Shtupp would say) refweshed. I spent a month in the south at the winter training camp of the Henny Youngman school of moans and groans (take my life...PLEASE...). But I feel much better now that I am home. It seems a shame to step on Kevin's fine post today, but I had to share something I saw in the bathroom of one of St Augustine's best crab houses. A hole in the wall place that my family never tires of. Anyway, here it is. TOP TEN REASONS WHY MEN PREFER GUNS OVER WOMEN 10 You can trade in an old 44 for a new 22. 9 You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you are on the road. 8 If you admire a friend’s gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times. 7 Your primary gun doesn’t mind if you keep another gun for a backup. 6 Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo. 5 A gun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space. 4 Guns function normally every day of the month. 3 A gun doesn’t ask , “Do these new grips make me look fat?” 2 A gun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it. AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON MEN PREFER GUNS OVER WOMEN…. 1 You can buy a silencer for a gun.

Day late...dollar short... Sorry to be so late. I have been running around like crazy the past few days with Doctor appointments and trying to squeeze a little work in between...also a few baseball games and some live theater. All in preparation for my annual vacation in Florida. Thanks Steven for posting that video. I will be taking the month of May off so if anyone wants to keep the thread active til I get back I would be grateful. Otherwise , I'll back back to posting on Friday June 6th. http://www.bestfunnyjokes4u.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/extremely-funny-dog-jokes.jpg http://www.bestfunnyjokes4u.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/actually-funny-dog-jokes.jpg http://www.bestfunnyjokes4u.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/101-funny-jokes.jpg

Laying an egg for EASTER Couldn't find something with Rabbits, so I went to the way-back machine for this.....Hope you enjoy. Happy Easter [video=youtube;PeCGURWzjwE]

Nice to see you again as well Bill, although I would never mind an event where I am in the midst of a Tyger-Chris sandwich. They can be all over me anytime provided there is oxygen nearby and the paramedics are on call.